waiting to understand

Hope came with the mail today in a letter you sent conveyed in words you wrote with time you set aside to write to me and I felt it like something tangible and now I know it in my heart, to be true ~C

Sour sorrow reeking with regret tainted with tears languid with longing wrestling with resentment while bitterness is bristling and we are sighing with sadness and wallowing in worry and fearing fear itself! why stay there? where you are stolen from where you are lied to where you will die where the same old record plays around and around and the music brings you down down down PSSSSSSSST : hey you, (I urgently whisper) you have a choice! a smile? or a frown? ~C

stack of boxes unloaded dispersed in the last place you may call home on earth a home they call nursing makes me think of the beginning of babies and bosoms of swaddling and of holding but for you it is about breaking down about brittle bones about people not coming around about long silences and a lot of sitting A whole life lived and now reduced boiled down to this small room this room where as you move in you must realize is the beginning of the end And maybe, you are OK with that because the end, really, is only the beginning ~C

He's got you on the ropes sweat dripping into your eye a slow mo' blow to the side of your face as you let out a wretched cry Your face, really your heart bleeding when tore open and when he nails you in the kidneys, it's really your self~esteem he is attacking your crushed nose, really your crushed hopes Yes sir, he's got you on the ropes an emotional boxing ring where you feel like you are losing where there seems more giving and at the same time more taking than one can really stand You gotta fight him! don't lay into the corner don't sink onto the floor rise up and meet him duck and cover swing some more! There will always be a ding as the round affords you a resting where encouragement will be shouted as your wounds are dabbed your strength, do not doubt it! No matter how some will attack you no matter what words come flying at you no matter how intense the impact you are equipped with all that you need you are given the stealth to rise above to get in th...

The old one used to be "Be anxious for nothing" Ah! The power of scripture said over and over until it has sunk in until it attaches as if woven until it shimmers as if golden until it is ingrained in you until it brings you peace and is KNOWN by your heart and it becomes your TRUTH So my new one is" I am willing to be misunderstood" "I am willing to be misunderstood" "I am willing to be misunderstood" every time a thought comes over me reminding me of being judged or criticized or shunned I say it again and again to myself.... Like a calm from the center of me it ripples outward it severs the ties that taunt me that want to bind me to what holds me back the words over and over counteracting the pull of the negative a tug of war I know I am winning as I say it again ~C

Sometimes I write what I want to be said to me what I'd like to hear what I imagine to be true what I need or desire from you Sometimes I daydream I wonder if I'll ever... I imagine my forever and it's nice to see it on paper even if it never comes true, with you And sometimes I sing sing the songs that remind me repeat the lyrics that tend to haunt me words conveying feelings that I have felt too, for you Sometimes I close my eyes and see you in my mind sleep and dream an adventure we may never have together but keep all the same close to my heart This concentration of my imagination, my voice, my pen that finds you... in everything ~C

You will do it when you are ready and not a second before and no single word no wisdom found will alter the timing will change how you're wound friendship is loving not judging while waiting to celebrate the moment when you realize you own it where you leap and your shown it I want to be here want to witness you walk in it even if I have to patient even if I have to wait, for your perfect time until, revelation until fruition, Oh my friend my dear friend you are worth it! ~C