Being too Comfortable?
(A letter I wrote to a friend, 03/05/2004)
I know the whole reason we are on this earth is to stretch these images of who we are. Like a big plastic girdle that jabs into our ribs and digs into our gut...and what you are saying is that I have adapted to the contraption. I don't shift it and pull at it like most people do right?
But what if I just think discomfort is overrated?
Either I am selling myself short by saying that, or I have shifted my focus to what I can live with right now. I know, I know, just another way of being complacent! Redundancy!
Ya know that song by Jewel that goes " Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive"?
Well that's not me, but some days I realize that I am sitting very close to that out of necessity.
It is partially because of this warped sense of reality brought on by losing my Mom.
Death is so final. Having my Mom in my life was like having an elaborate colorful cozy rug, fluffy and soft beneath my feet. Her death was like having it ripped out from under me and the contrast of the hard cold gray concrete floor under my feet afterwards was so much to take at once.
And so now the flowers find their way into the cracks of the concrete and most days I can get out the colored chalk and design it with art. But man do those rainy days still come and wash it gray again. But the rain waters the flowers growing in the cracks too, so they can stay. Does that make sense? Are you still following the analogy?
Sometimes you have to process the pain...what's that saying about only rain can bring the rainbows?
Like you, I believe life has purpose. What I've lived through, what I still have to live though, has a purpose greater than me living through it.
So maybe part of me is resting for now. I think that is o.k. as long as I don't fall asleep and delude you into thinking I was just resting my eyes.
There is a song by Whitney Houston that goes...
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
and I will always love you
my darling you
Bitter sweet memories
that is all I am taking with me
so goodbye, please don't cry
we both know I'm not what you need
I hope life treats you kind
and I hope you have all you've dreamed of
and I am wishing you joy and happiness
and above all this I am wishing you LOVE
The song is a techno version of the original with this kicking beat so when I listen to it, it is sad and freeing all at the same time. It both tears at my heart and pushes me forward. I think my Mom created this life so secure and optimistic and full of laughter and support, that if I continued to exist with it surrounding me I couldn't have grown like I am supposed to. Hence the line "We both know I'm not what you need". It was definitely what I WANTED to always continue wanting, but needs and wants are so different.
What you want is not necessarily what you need, but it is so wonderful if they can coincide. God has a plan for me and it may include heartache, but if he is my Dad and he loves me more than anything, why could I not trust that he had all my best interests in mind?
Faith. Hope. Love. The more life leads me on, the more I have to trust in a greater picture, a wide screen version that encompasses more meaning surrounding me. A selfish tunnel vision life makes no sense at all. Human connections and what we bring to each others lives is amazing.
I can see in the moment your eyes tear up, with the thought of even losing your own Mom, that the connection you have with her must be as great as the one I had with my Mom. I saw it too in the way you spoke of your friends, how you honor each of their life experiences and how far they have come, what they have chosen to create with their lives. Life is what you make it sure, but some days for me it lives in the meaning behind just one connection, whether it is making someone laugh out loud or saying something just right to make a Best Friend feel understood and that she is not alone in this world.
I will not be complacent ever. I try to honor the time and energy my Mom gave as a single Mom to her 3 kids. She gave so much of herself and we keep on keeping it alive in us. That is what I try to do. I hope I have you convinced.
Maybe it is that I am not too comfortable, but just under construction, or Beth's term, In the recovery room....for now.
~C
I know the whole reason we are on this earth is to stretch these images of who we are. Like a big plastic girdle that jabs into our ribs and digs into our gut...and what you are saying is that I have adapted to the contraption. I don't shift it and pull at it like most people do right?
But what if I just think discomfort is overrated?
Either I am selling myself short by saying that, or I have shifted my focus to what I can live with right now. I know, I know, just another way of being complacent! Redundancy!
Ya know that song by Jewel that goes " Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive"?
Well that's not me, but some days I realize that I am sitting very close to that out of necessity.
It is partially because of this warped sense of reality brought on by losing my Mom.
Death is so final. Having my Mom in my life was like having an elaborate colorful cozy rug, fluffy and soft beneath my feet. Her death was like having it ripped out from under me and the contrast of the hard cold gray concrete floor under my feet afterwards was so much to take at once.
And so now the flowers find their way into the cracks of the concrete and most days I can get out the colored chalk and design it with art. But man do those rainy days still come and wash it gray again. But the rain waters the flowers growing in the cracks too, so they can stay. Does that make sense? Are you still following the analogy?
Sometimes you have to process the pain...what's that saying about only rain can bring the rainbows?
Like you, I believe life has purpose. What I've lived through, what I still have to live though, has a purpose greater than me living through it.
So maybe part of me is resting for now. I think that is o.k. as long as I don't fall asleep and delude you into thinking I was just resting my eyes.
There is a song by Whitney Houston that goes...
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
and I will always love you
my darling you
Bitter sweet memories
that is all I am taking with me
so goodbye, please don't cry
we both know I'm not what you need
I hope life treats you kind
and I hope you have all you've dreamed of
and I am wishing you joy and happiness
and above all this I am wishing you LOVE
The song is a techno version of the original with this kicking beat so when I listen to it, it is sad and freeing all at the same time. It both tears at my heart and pushes me forward. I think my Mom created this life so secure and optimistic and full of laughter and support, that if I continued to exist with it surrounding me I couldn't have grown like I am supposed to. Hence the line "We both know I'm not what you need". It was definitely what I WANTED to always continue wanting, but needs and wants are so different.
What you want is not necessarily what you need, but it is so wonderful if they can coincide. God has a plan for me and it may include heartache, but if he is my Dad and he loves me more than anything, why could I not trust that he had all my best interests in mind?
Faith. Hope. Love. The more life leads me on, the more I have to trust in a greater picture, a wide screen version that encompasses more meaning surrounding me. A selfish tunnel vision life makes no sense at all. Human connections and what we bring to each others lives is amazing.
I can see in the moment your eyes tear up, with the thought of even losing your own Mom, that the connection you have with her must be as great as the one I had with my Mom. I saw it too in the way you spoke of your friends, how you honor each of their life experiences and how far they have come, what they have chosen to create with their lives. Life is what you make it sure, but some days for me it lives in the meaning behind just one connection, whether it is making someone laugh out loud or saying something just right to make a Best Friend feel understood and that she is not alone in this world.
I will not be complacent ever. I try to honor the time and energy my Mom gave as a single Mom to her 3 kids. She gave so much of herself and we keep on keeping it alive in us. That is what I try to do. I hope I have you convinced.
Maybe it is that I am not too comfortable, but just under construction, or Beth's term, In the recovery room....for now.
~C
You are definately the analogy queen. The analogy of the rug and losing your Mom is so powerful... I have always admired the way that your Mom raised you and Hogan and Nat. Even when we were "kids" I could see it. She was amazing and so loving and so full of fun and great energy. You do keep that alive. There is so much of her in you...I know she is so proud of the mother you are. love you
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