waiting to understand

remembering processing hurting running growing stretching numbing tearing retching suffering wondering hoping reaching burning & rising from ashes... ~C

you just need a gun you accomplice to the crime you drove the get away car your presence, a landslide your roll in my life the backside your ninja kick to my domino's like a RESET control alt delete while I wait staring at a black screen it is easier to let you hurt me than face my unforgiveness my disappointment in my own deficit unable to dig deep anymore... Dear God take the stinger from my memory can't rewrite it but can choose what to do with it take me out subtract my part RESET mind over matter on to what matters now a reality that adds a reality that IS replacing what was. ~C

New chapter of a very old story one I do not want to keep telling or living to be honest and yet I am a main character included in the writing in a way that entangles me until the very end and if I could I would write a way out it seems easier that I should live out a boring old alternate ending that you wouldn't be interested in reading anyway... but wanting out only makes me more interesting only develops my plight so that you want to know why I want out even more... such is life this catch 22 these things that you resist they create layers that smother that take you deeper to a place that you fear you are running out of breath and like quicksand and struggling they just don't mix ~C

It always seems like a good idea but it rarely is the mood isn't right or the intention is askew or the temperature leaves you sweating, waiting for anything, but the nothing that does come infused with expectation your attention wanes wanting it so badly this dream scenario to unfold before you a stage set with all the right players but alas it does not and you stare at your feet wondering why God gave you such an awesome imagination if all the things you can imagine never intend to solidify before your eyes if all your fantasies are doomed to flourish only in your sleeping hours and lived out horizontally with eyes flashing beneath lids feeling everything but doing none of it ~C