stuck

New chapter
of a very old story
one I do not want to keep telling
or living
to be honest
and yet I am a main character
included in the writing
in a way that entangles me until the very end
and if I could
I would write a way out
it seems easier
that I should live out a boring old alternate ending
that you wouldn't be interested in reading anyway...
but wanting out
only makes me more interesting
only develops my plight
so that you want to know why I want out even more...
such is life
this catch 22
these things that you resist
they create layers that smother
that take you deeper
to a place that you fear you are running out of breath
and like quicksand and struggling
they just don't mix

~C

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me. Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relatio
Read more

SIGNS

It is so awesome lately how God has sent me signs, like love postcards to let me know he loves me! I mean LITERALLY...recently I had an appointment where two very exceptional women anointed with The Holy Spirit prayed for me...at one point one of them said, "I keep getting this message from God for you, but I am not a good singer, God is wanting me to sing the song "You are so beautiful to me"to you. She sang it out all self conscious and I just thought how sweet a message that was. About 2 days later I was in the car driving home and I usually keep it on 88.1, but for some reason I was scanning through a few other stations, and I came across 96.1 where Dililah was taking dedications....This guy was going on about his personal struggle with his wife that wanted to divorce him, and I got sucked in. By the time it came time for his song that he wanted to dedicate, I was pulled into the driveway ready to get out of the car, but still too curious to see what song he would pi
Read more

Being too Comfortable?

(A letter I wrote to a friend, 03/05/2004) I know the whole reason we are on this earth is to stretch these images of who we are. Like a big plastic girdle that jabs into our ribs and digs into our gut...and what you are saying is that I have adapted to the contraption. I don't shift it and pull at it like most people do right? But what if I just think discomfort is overrated ? Either I am selling myself short by saying that, or I have shifted my focus to what I can live with right now. I know, I know, just another way of being complacent! Redundancy! Ya know that song by Jewel that goes " Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive"? Well that's not me, but some days I realize that I am sitting very close to that out of necessity. It is partially because of this warped sense of reality brought on by losing my Mom. Death is so final. Having my Mom in my life was like having an elaborate colorful cozy rug, fluffy and soft beneath my feet. Her death was like
Read more