waiting to understand

Isn't it amazing the difference a day can make? Before I knew God I was up and then down, way up, way down now I can receive a crushing blow and I just become quiet and contemplative. It still hurts bad but there is no drama not in the worldly sense only the weight of the truth of it only the solid gold bar weight of that truth. Honor goes really deep it is a lesson I am learning as I push through life it is amazing how huge integrity is how elusive it can be and how fast we can slip up If I was an animal, and that conveyed how I feel right now I would be a mouse because a mouse only makes a sound if you step on it and my big eyes would be the only thing to convey to you my feelings and maybe my whiskers would twitch, or they would lie flat maybe if I was feeling sad If I was a mouse I would feel vulnerable being so small but God would draw attention to my strengths like running fast and slipping into small cracks to escape and being sustained by the smallest bits of food He would

You gave me another mid-sentence revelation God, or is it a mid-question revelation? I ask the question " Why is it that I have trouble receiving gifts, especially money gifts from people? and you instantly brought to mind a memory of my Dad. When I was younger he would gripe about how expensive a telephone call was. I just wanted a relationship.... but when he said it was too expensive to call me, I learned to feel guilty. this guilt attached itself to the memory. It was a burden for him to give to me. I took that on and ironed it onto my life. so now when I receive a gift I feel uncomfortable like I am putting people out like I am creating a hardship for them?? man that is so messed up.... Inside I am so thankful, even reverent totally acknowledging their good deed feeling like I cannot thank them enough but then a friend said.... Life Gives to the Giver and takes from the taker.... I realize that I do end up just wanted to give back to the people who give to me. Giving and re

How do you stop waiting in expectation for something you've been waiting for so long the waiting becomes a life of it's own instead of living you are waiting hoping for comfy far off always instead of experiencing comfy now but then... peace settles over me deeply more and more and my soul becomes quiet like a station with no music nor static and my flesh wants to recognize that quietness as despair or a deadness it wants to trick me into thinking there is a surrender in that like giving up but I know better coming down off of a high that I rode for so long connected to an unhealthy way that dragged me behind a car and where I never got my footing and even when I thought I had I was mistaken but we cannot stay there in that false place and so God turns in all way down to a whisper that we have to lean in and listen for and the quiet that consumes us as we patiently wait to hear the next great thing pushes out all the drama that churns around us wanting in ~C

The most powerful person you can forgive is yourself how do you put away something that was a snapshot in your own mind? I am insanely visual and I don't think you can it is a matter of facing it then screaming at it if you need to then punching it in the gut but then making peace with it looking it straight in the eyes and saying "I forgive you." I would imagine it is easy for God to forget once you ask and throw it into the bottom of the deep blue sea He has so much to manage he probably welcomes forgetting probably has such a raging multitasking mind, that He is on in an instant to more pressing issues, like all the good you've been doing but you and me... well that is a different story we only have to manage us one mind one set of choices and triumphs and screw-ups so everything is magnified so forgetting is harder than forgiving but I have found that once you forgive someone then when you do remember the instance you remember it in a detached way seeing it only

perfect weather or a good hair day when you feel energized or jazzercised when you have your ducks in a row or maybe when it gets bad enough dark enough and you are facing a wall or when the sky is blue with cotton ball clouds and the bills are all paid and their are no weeds in your bed when you get a raise when you lose some weight when you accomplish all you had on every to do list you've ever made.... maybe then I will attempt to go in maybe I will just know the time is right maybe God will just tap me on the shoulder and then I will go there I will open that old worn out book and I will see what is actually written down an adventure I put off out of fear a journey that only started with that first step I am not willing to take putting off what we could do today and then blinking and realizing it has been a thousand tomorrows and we cannot even recognize ourselves a whole life coasted by on automatic pilot because that was way more comfy then facing our giants our fears then l

I stand before your door and I know it well over time you have added many locks the hinges have been reinforced the wood it is made from is 100 year old strong like heart pine through fire that will not quit, as solid as stone You have spent time carving into it embellishing the outside and you find anything you can do to the outside of it to avoid going through it to avoid going in I have stood holding the keys for a long long time trying on my own to unlock your door for you endlessly encouraging you more determined than you to get inside and sort things out in there to help you to love you But today I am standing there in deep realization transfixed on the obvious fact that it is not my door I am staring at and it is not my set of keys to use it is not my way in or my way out, for that matter it is personal it is yours and yours alone So I may watch you embellish the door forever or look on while you purposely misplace the keys maybe you choose to look past the door altogether and i

pause breathe don't give in to the pressure or hand over your serene spirit simply over some spoken words over a little knowledge that you may disagree with a view you do not share God tells us to be anxious for NOTHING and I never form the image in my head that Jesus got his feathers ruffled or got impatient or miffed with people at the drop of a hat tolerance takes such practice like being able to take something in without absorbing it like standing outside and looking in at it realizing it for what it is no drama no heightened emotion you choose all that, you really do. So I will take it as it comes like a wave I can see coming from far off so by the time it reaches me I have my feet dug down deep ready to receive the blow of the wave and let it wash over me sweep past me and draw back into itself negativity flowing around me but not into me felt but not absorbed seen but not made emotional I take it to you God and like a dog that brings a kill to his master I lay it at your fe