waiting to understand

(A letter I wrote to a friend, 03/05/2004) I know the whole reason we are on this earth is to stretch these images of who we are. Like a big plastic girdle that jabs into our ribs and digs into our gut...and what you are saying is that I have adapted to the contraption. I don't shift it and pull at it like most people do right? But what if I just think discomfort is overrated ? Either I am selling myself short by saying that, or I have shifted my focus to what I can live with right now. I know, I know, just another way of being complacent! Redundancy! Ya know that song by Jewel that goes " Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive"? Well that's not me, but some days I realize that I am sitting very close to that out of necessity. It is partially because of this warped sense of reality brought on by losing my Mom. Death is so final. Having my Mom in my life was like having an elaborate colorful cozy rug, fluffy and soft beneath my feet. Her death was like...

Jesus drives a taxi I've seen Him It's true He'll pick you up when you need a ride you can hail him he'll come through he'll get you there fastest he knows the city like he knows you he's just happy to drive you if your willing to ride just hop in & enjoy the view! ~C

Swing High into the sky back again feet brush the sand ~C (p.s I wrote this in '93 I think... my Mom kept it on her desk, she loved it)

Green green grass against a gray gray sky reflected into your blue blue eyes with a red red bird in a white birch tree with so much love in a pink pink me ~C

Not as I planned but what is? Not what I want but better yet Not what I dreamed but it'll do Not as I say Not as I do Not what counts but what matters Not what kills but renews Not what's expected but is best Not as I say Not as I do Not what feels good but what fills you Not what robs but restores Not what hurts but is sweet to my ears Not as I say Not as I do It isn't about me Lord, it's about YOU. ~C

you are in a symphony of violins in a flash memory of you hysterically laughing head thrown back neck all red YOU WERE SO GOOD you still are so easy to miss peppermints and stimudents and tootsie roll pops in your purse glasses to read and Earl Gray Tea... but mostly, long hugs that communicated volumes and glances that let me know you knew me like no one else and an unconditional love that healed me again and again nine years too long without you bitter sweet happenings with your obvious absence weddings without your happy tears and grand babies born without your adoring kisses and hugs friendship without your laughter concerts and plays without your appreciation sunsets without you to paint them and gardens without you to water them family gatherings without you to plan them you are missing yet you are here still and you remind me ~C

Her name is everywhere as if Satan is trying to taunt me with it, get the better of me... get me to crack so nice try and pretty diverse a selection of Maggie's everywhere ...I'll give you that... Street signs, and cartoon characters, Ice cream shops with the word " Moo's " attached , Junk emails from someone with the same first name, I hear people say the name in public I hear it in movies it is chanting from the baseboards...no not really...you'd be worried about me then aye? but you know the beauty of all this? It is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. I should be cringing and ripping my hair out at the mention of that particular name but instead it is almost humorous (and P.S. I wonder if she hears "Christie" everywhere...) It is so very awesome how God can take a huge gaping wound and bind it up and heal it with his light. He is so good to take me to such a deep place of forgiveness that I am able to conquer with Him, any attack,...

Thinking of how things were of distinct circumstances isolated in their goodness focused on the way I felt then remembering it very selectively protectively and I can revisit again and again and reclaim that fulfillment the brightness of that moment frozen for all time in my heart ~C

There is a song on the radio that sings less of me, more of you God. The more I focus on what is going on inside my own head, the more lost I feel like I got turned around in the woods and there is no way to tell the way out, distracted....disoriented....and then panic sets in, engrossed in my own problems. If I check in , from an outside perspective and realize that I am stuck, then I can pray about it. and then I can ask God to carry my burden, I can lay it down. But it takes the acknowledgement that I am in a funk a spiritual awareness that I am off track and then I am simply back on again Thanks to God. ~C

Can a person think too much? I cannot help it. I tend to over do it I guess. I sort ideas and examine situations and go over them with a fine toothed comb. I don't make myself nuts doing this, rather it gives me a sense of completeness I think....like I have thought it through....thought of every possible angle. I am pretty laid back, so all this thinking hasn't made me neurotic or anything. I want to think that God designed me this way, not to annoy people and waste time, but for some greater purpose, I just need to figure that out. How to fine tune or harness my approach to my life, and in the meantime I will just work it out with writing, mull it over on paper... ~C