Sunday, June 20

No need for the Drama

I used to get so hyped up if a situation developed
like a grey cloud slowly forming
I could feel it
until that cloud swelled with rain
until it just couldn't hold on any longer
and then it fell
I would work myself into a grey place
and fitfully process the emotions that mirrored the color
and then there was drama
born all wet with all that rain

I don't have a lot of drama in my life now
It was a slow process of weeding out
a conscious effort
a new approach
a renewed mind
but I got here

and now I can see the cloud trying to form
way far off in the distance
I can feel the clouds collecting
trying to bring about something unedifying
I see it way in advance
and I am prepared
and I dwell on the truth
and I know that the cloud is not what it seems
that the cloud is not a cloud at all
but a lot of unexpressed emotion
a lot of not knowing where you are
or what you want
and so how can you really tell me?
and that would make me feel frustrated too

So the grey is not literal
meant to scare or harm
it is an outside manifestation
of an inner storm
a struggle that is your own
that I can see and be intimidated and effected by
or one that I can instead recognize as an inner battle
that was never meant to shake me up directly
not my battle to fight
not my decisions to make either
I can pray for you
and I can tell you how I am feeling
but other than that
I am powerless to make a difference for you
it is going to take you facing your own giants
it's really not about me

my choices are not your choices
your choices are meant for you alone
and although they effect others
you are the one that has to live in your head with them
to steer your car have to use your own wheel
to take the first step
you first have to remember
you can walk

There is no need for drama
unless you are getting something out of the drama itself
and I am not needing that anymore
or wanting it

I just want PEACE
and understanding
and lots and lots of LOVE
that surpasses all understanding
that surpasses all need to sort it out
that surpasses anything twisted that could be thrown at me
as it was flying through the air
the comment would be untangled to reveal
what you you really saying
so I could see it for what it was
and it would fall heavy with truth at my feet
and I would simply look at it
and have compassion for you
knowing instantly in my heart
what you really meant to say


YOU know so I don't need to

God YOU know
you know my thoughts
my struggles
what is black
and what is white
I don't have to sort that out
or struggle to know for myself
and that is a good thing
I can just default to you

I just want HEALTHY
I want to lay all my cards on the table
and it would be awesome
if everyone in my life
was willing to do the same
but there is a game
being played by people
who don't even know they are playing
who are entangled in a chain of the past
formed link by link
that weighs them down
but they are used to dragging it God
to the point where they don't know any different
and when they bang around
the chain hits me
sometimes on accident
and sometimes on purpose
and either way,
it hurts

help me to cope with the pain
with the frustration
about the fact that they don't even SEE the chains
that they hurt me with
and just give me your eyes God
and your ears
so I can perceive the situation as YOU perceive it
and help me to be OK with not communicating
because maybe it doesn't even matter
maybe it just makes everything worse

but what if it is ME
and the way I communicate works for all but one
do I find another avenue
or is it about staying true to who you ARE?
tell me God
teach me
school me
I really really want to know.


Sunday, June 13

Arms of love

your arms
that hold
and comfort
with strength
and sincerity
and love
that conveys
what your heart
with your mouth
that confirms
with words
what you can't hide
your arms
convey it


Self confidence born of trust

I am OK
right now
the way I am
it is not
tomorrow I will be good
when I complete this
or when I do that I will be somebody
you are somebody this very second
divinely purposed
an amazingly beautiful one and only YOU
and fully equipped through God
to do every awesome thing
you were created to accomplish in this life
so dwell on the fact
that what God completed in you
He WILL finish
and also
that all things work to GOOD
and that
every little thing happens for a reason
and God saw it all before it ever happened
so what are you wiggin out for?
isn't that all so comforting??


New old love

There is a way of seeing
a newness born out of oldness
when you don't limit yourself
a renewed vision
of something you thought you drove past
but now you see it in a new light
and because of where you are right now
you become aware of the fact
that you are not who you used to be
and what you saw then
is not what you see now
even how you take everything in is different
because you are not who you were then
and your eyes perceive the same thing in a new way
some things are more precious and appreciated
some things clearly defined
or rejected
but not with drama either
simply seen for what they are
and accepted or not accepted
and life goes on
from a new platform you view your life
forever seeing a new vision
that will ultimately shift and change again
and that is OK too
something to look forward to
knowing that we will always be changing
and that the key to that
is just to keep learning


We can not be over priced!

The lady was ranting and raving about the one thousand dollar hand bag
going on and on about what an outrage that is
and how the quality doesn't justify the price
and really just how ridiculous it is....

and what I see is a spiritual porthole into what she is really ranting about
the lie that is being bought into
the injustice of worth placed in an inanimate object
one that doesn't carry it's weight in value
and one that will not last

and God booms from the heavens
it is not in anything you can buy
or attain
it is in your spirit
and God's ability to live out of your spirit

put the price tag on what really holds value
your self worth is weighed down in riches galore
and it overflows with the value that God has placed in you
every possibility to express every good thing that God has for the world
and you have precious ears to hear all that
and precious eyes to see it
and a heart that is sensitive to FEEL it too
and hands and feet that can carry a message of love for Him

all these attributes that will keep you connected
so you will be reminded often
that you are worthy of the purpose he placed with you
the true prize that God has placed in this world IN you
the real living riches this life has to offer
let's live in that!

and maybe your pinky nail is worth a thousand million dollars
and that is just the tip of that ice burg!


Thursday, June 10

check the freak meter

The very core of me
the part of me that is spirit
is quiet and calm
and serene
but I can feel something outside
and weighing
but it doesn't make the core of me waver
The heaviness is separate
and being spiritually aware
I know it is growing on me like a vine
the kind that covers the top
and steals the light
but before it can close in
I start ripping it off
and I suck out the drama
with a big turkey baster
and I keep my freak meter in check
no freaking out today
that is what God does
sorts the lies from the truth
so the lies can be ditched
so the truth can be formed
into an invincible sword
that slices and dices those vines
and the weight is lifted
your branches are free again
and your calm spirit never wavered
through any of it



You have the light
that they don't have
because you are not them
and even if the light that you have
may not be the light they can see right now
it is still light
but not the kind of light that you can shine on them
at least not right now
right now it is harsh
and hurts their eyes
maybe later they can see it better
but maybe not
we were not all meant to shine on everyone
your light was meant for you
and if God needs you to share
He has the power to dim your light
so it can be seen
or how to shine that light right through you
at just the perfect angle
that not only will it shine
but send out a spectrum of rainbows
that will open minds
and hearts
and only he knows when
and only he knows how
you were just meant to be open to that


God's time not ours

Everyone blossoming
at their own pace

in their time
in God's time

and there is no forcing it
no running a race

it's in their time
in God's time

no use forcing
or grumbling about their slow pace

in their time
in God's time

this isn't about you
and the answers not in the chase

it's in their time
in God's time

so relax in knowing
in embracing what is

in their time
in God's time

it will all come together
with faith, patience is fierce

in their time
in God's time

and the fruit from surrender
will come down in tears

in their time
in God's time


from the top

this intertwined mystery of life
where my journey weaves into yours
and everything is connected to everything else
where coincidence is the norm
because there is none
only divine appointments
where we seek to learn from
every situation
and every situation an opportunity
to fly or fail
every argument
a chance to grow or wither
every adversity and tragedy
a golden opportunity to extract
the living truth
of how we were made broken to really live!

So hand over your personal "choose your own adventure" book
stop selecting your own way
and give God the reigns
can you really let go?
and have faith and trust in his choices for your life
can you let each day unfold like a new chapter
filled with possibilities and mysteries God creates for you
not for you to try and figure out
but to learn and grow in
to look for the hidden jewel of knowledge
that belongs in each new clue
(sometimes hidden in what appears to be a pile of junk)

because if we surrender
life becomes a Ferris wheel
that we climb onto and ride to amazing heights
and it is only when we step on
and leave the comfort of the solid ground
that we submit to God's will
that we can reach the top where it all becomes clear
He takes us to where we can see what He does
the big picture is clear
because of our change of view!


you know that you know

The world is not what we see
that is what is so tricky
we get all hung up with what we can see
with our own eyes
but there is so much more going on
that can only be seen in faith
that can only be felt in the heart
and confirmed with discernment
and validated in ways that cannot be made touchable

so that they are doubted and scrutinized
but not for the ones who feel it
and know in their heart of hearts
you can try to wring it out of us
or convince us otherwise
but we know what we know
we are convinced in divine circumstance
and it is knitted in our hearts
by seeing the love spread

and it dwells in perfect timing and interconnectedness
this bond that weaves out and reaches
that touches and prunes
and edifies and molds
it pushes us to our best
and quiets our deepest inner voice

so we can hear
so that we can know
that we know
that we know
that God really does exist
and is ALIVE
and loving
through us


Door #3

We tend to limit our choices
and cannot fathom that they are infinite
that would overwhelm us
so we focus on 2 options
this or that
door #1 or door #2
should we move or not move?
have a baby or not have a baby?
buy a boat or not buy a boat?
and God watches us patiently
watches how we weigh our own lives
and choices
and in a still small voice he asks
"Did you want to ask me?
I have door #3"


No titles No boxes

God wants to strip away the titles
"Oooooh but he is the CEO of the company, that's big"
we congratulate ourselves on earth
but God doesn't need titles to convey love
titles do not define who you are

You may be a wife or a mother
a father, a husband
but that is not WHO you are
It is the relationship that matters
not the title

It is the essence of YOU
who is YOU
it is what YOU bring into the relationship
that makes it significant
it is all the specific qualities that make you unique
it is God's perfect design
his perfect blueprint of who he intended you to be

that is YOU

if you are tied to all of your titles
then when you lose them
who are you?
Like untying a balloon
it floats away into the clouds
and leaves you wondering
where your self worth just flew off to

or like a boy scout
with all those badges
all that work to earn each one
and then what if we take that away?
so much invested in outside merit
and God pleads for you to invest in your heart
and in others

to love thy neighbor as thy SELF

we distract ourselves by doing all these other things
by trying to measure up in the world
and even when we feel the paybacks for all that hard work
are few or far between
we still choose to climb back onto the hamster wheel
and keep on truckin
constantly bombarded
and convinced to buy into
a worldly concept of validation and acceptance

but you can strip away the titles
so that God can show you how he destined for you to live
out of your spirit fully
bound by nothing
unlimited resources for the taking
a gorgeous freedom of a future
in the making!


any struggle

We bind ourselves
we tie the knots that keep us bound
and then forget we ever tied them
or wonder at them
but never try
at loosening them
we adapt to being tethered
and we learn not to struggle

struggling hurts
or makes us feel uncomfortable
or reminds us of the fact that we are bound
and that just makes us feel sad

so we move less
become complacent
and we adapt
to our inner imaginary jail
that we slowly bought into
and invested in
but that began
as a simple


Quality not Quantity

God is all about Quality and so am I
my sister jokes that I am a food snob
because I like those really baby carrots
the ones that cost more
but I swear they are sweeter
and that I digest them better
can't I just like them?

But seriously no one likes stale crackers
my Dad will eat them because he doesn't want to waste them
but I bet you he is not loving them either

my point is would you rather eat 2 fresh crackers
or get a whole pack of stale ones?

If you have a whole pantry teeming with food
but most of it is out of date, or may have quantity
but you don't have quality
I want quality any day
it is why I can barely eat at McDonalds anymore

but my point is
that God wants to give us a life chock full of QUALITY experiences
but we usually go for the quantity
so we feel like we are not missing out on anything
so we fool ourselves into thinking we are really "living" life
we see his quality not for what it is
but as a lack of quantity
and that is all we can focus on

it is our own issues that keep us from God's best
we convince ourselves that we know better
and then we congratulate ourselves
on the fact that we MUST know better than God


quality, quality, quality
search your life for it
search your soul
has it got QUALITY stamped all over it??

God stamped you all over
the moment you accepted him into your life
and maybe all it takes is getting out the back light
to see all those stamps shining in neon in a dark room
because in the day you forget them
and in the daylight you so easily forget
that you are totally APPROVED!


Monday, June 7

I want to add

I want to add (+) not take away (-)
God is a lover of addition
and satan loves subtraction
if you are still and you listen
you will be able to know who is in your head
at any given time
because their language is the same as their mission
to build you up or tear you down
who is speaking to you now??

a voice that adds and focuses on what you DO HAVE
very grateful and thankful, focused on your blessings
your strengths, your awesome fulfillment and trust in someone greater than you
yeah, that's God

a voice that tears you down and distracts
says you are not measuring up
that you don't have what it takes
that maybe TOMORROW you might have something to offer
but definitely not today
that's the robbers voice
the one who wants to steal from you
take from you
destroy you

so tune in
know who is speaking
and if it isn't adding to your life
then refuse to let it take away from it
change the station
even listen to static for a moment if you have to to clear your mind
but then find God
find his voice
recognize his truth in your thought process
and let the blessings to your life be multiplied!


Hard shell vs. soft shell

I always assumed all crabs had a hard shell at all times in their lives
until recently
where I came across a live crab at the beach
and when I picked him up from the back
I realized my finger was pressing into his soft shell
it opened my mind to something new

and then tonight you gave me a vision Lord
you showed me how we are like a crab who needs the hard shell
we feel like it "protects" us
this false sense of security that only holds us back from your freedom
and the best that you have for us Lord
You need us to be the crab with the soft shell
fully alive, yet vulnerable
it is only when we can let go of trying to protect ourselves
that you can fully live through us
and protect us in a way that completely surrounds and envelopes us
a kind of security that goes so deep that it oozes peace
from the inside out
those who hold on to their lives will lose it, you say God
but those who surrender their lives are able to FULLY live

the way you teach me is amazing Lord
the way you show me things to love on others is such a gift
and I thank you from the bottom of my heart
for blessing me, and using me, and conveying your truth so others can be free
like me
free like You, my amazing God!
you are just awesome!!


Sunday, June 6

no perfect without God

There is no perfect woman for you
no perfect man for me

not without God

There is no perfect house either
a divine place to call home

not if God doesn't live there too

and there is no perfect job
where you never get bored and daydream over your coffee of something better

not unless you realize you really work for God

no perfect kids
no perfect friends
no perfect relatives

not without God

He makes everything work to good
we weren't meant to leave him out of it
He is the missing link you always feel
deep down
when you don't include him

His absence in your life is the void
that you will fill with anything
and distract yourself with everything
to avoid

but unless you include him
it lurks there
this empty gut feeling
that something is missing

and that feeling is needing to be fed
if you feed it
you forget for a second
but it will never go
not without God

this void that will go if we simply ask him

and then
staying connected
tuning in
always including the guy who created us
the One who created us all
will satisfy and fulfill us
for always


Your Island

If we are grasping for things outside of ourselves
for validation
for comfort
for confirmation that we are acceptable
for a stream of consistency that never leaves us disappointed....
we will never find it
the human condition does not allow it
we are not capable
and we weren't supposed to be everything to anyone
no one person was meant to be everything to us

Better to be happy on your own island

the only other constant presence on your island is Jesus
and other people can visit
but maybe they won't
maybe for some their island is hopping with guests
and maybe for others it is mostly their immediate family
but the point is....
you are OK if no one ever visits

You are just fine drinking in the sunsets
having Margaritas with God
and listening to the waves of the ocean hitting the sand
you are content with the awesome conversation
and when you struggle
God is right there with the perfect advice
even carrying you down the shore to safety
but mostly
it is just a beautiful existence
somewhere you choose to be everyday
where you are content with who you are
with how you were designed to be
and where you know what your purpose is

your even fine with how slowly that is revealed to you
and you realize it is something that evolves in you
as God shows you
and you trust that He only tells you as you need to know

There is always trouble when we want to leave the island
because we weren't meant to
we are always free to leave
and we know it
but there is nothing like it
and no one, no destination,
or any material thing will ever come close to fulfilling us the same way
or leave us as content and peaceful as that island with Jesus


Friday, June 4

Grandma Howard

Grandma how I miss you already,
and your grand babies miss their Oma.
They were so brave to go right up to the casket
to see you one last time
and for Skylar to say a prayer over your body left behind,
at the age of 5,
a prayer full of love that you can take to heaven with you,
was so sweet and beautiful.
I can hear you saying "I love you too hun" and "God bless you hun" in my mind
as clear as day,
and I pray that the ability to conjure up your voice in my mind always exists.
I am so blessed to have had married into your family Grandma.
To have been able to hear all of your inspiring and amazing stories.
To witness your strength and stubborn will,
that carried you through so much and always left you thriving and pressing on.

I especially loved when you talked about Opa
and how you joked and bonded with him always
and I am so happy to know you get to do that again in heaven.
I am also comforted to know you are with your own Oma,
and especially that you are with Grandpa.
If I feel sad for one second with your passing,
I remind myself of how you had your bags packed
and setting by the door to go be with him a long time ago....
and then my mind imagines you young and in love
with heavens light behind you...
running happily into your Alvas arms.
Arms that hold you like no one else could.
The waiting must have seemed like forever,
but I am sure the time melted away in an instant once you saw his face,
and the face of Jesus.

Amazingly comforting to know there were so many loved ones there to greet you,
and most of all that you are with God
the One who designed you,
who knit you in your mothers womb,
who loves you better than anyone.
I smile with imagining it,
and with remembering you.

I look forward to the day when you will greet me....
and know that for you it will seem like a blink....
but for me I have some time to be here without you,
and during that time I will miss your smile and your laugh and your stories,
your soups and your values and your honor,
seeing you with my babes,
and kissing Eve hello in the kitchen.

You will be missed
and you will forever be loved my Grandma Howard.
Many many kisses and hugs for you.
I love you very much
and I was honored to be your granddaughter in this life.