Sunday, November 21

little ones

you have no idea
how much Mommy loves you
because no matter how many times
I tell you, within your lifetime
(even if it is million-kazillion times)
it could never convey
what I feel in my heart
when I look at you smile
or hear you say
my Mommy name

Oh how I love you!


Saturday, November 20


resisting a change
caught off guard
feeling completely unprepared
to face the opposite of my dreams
the one thing unwanted....
why does it seem that the worst we can think of,
the thing we DO NOT want
comes after us?
Do we know before hand?
on some very intimate level?
and if you have no deep fears
then can they not follow you?


hidden growth

the avocado seed sits in the window
in a small dish of water
suspended by toothpicks
and from the top
you can not tell it is growing
but if you lift it out of the water
and turn it over
it has a strong root
and the seed has split
in this v-like shape from below
but like I said
from the top
you cannot even tell that it is growing...
it is an awesome analogy for me right now
I feel like I am growing in a way
and working through something
that you can not yet see the results of


Tuesday, November 16


honestly, I couldn't even go there
if I did, I risked shattering emotionally
into a thousand million pieces
so I stayed semi-numb
and in vague denial
until I couldn't avoid it anymore
until the truth was so clear that I couldn't breathe
until I had to put the car over because my legs went to rubber
and I couldn't feel the pedals
it is like suddenly not knowing which way is up
the moment you realize that reality cannot be avoided
but I did not shatter
I cried
and my heart sunk to my very feet
and my whole life flashed before my eyes
but I did not shatter
I did not shatter
and the surprise of that
is what gave me just enough hope
to will myself to take just one more step
and then one more step
toward a new unknown life
and even though fear and loss crippled me
making it nearly impossible to drag my feet forward
I was able to to get there
(whether I wanted to go there or not)
I was facing the horror of my life
dead in the eye
and I did not die


Saturday, November 13

the truth

you are...
just the way you are!


you right now

out of business
nothing to give
eyes closed
shut off
under construction
careful falling rocks!


ah silence

where I have the choice to say something
but I don't have to
where I can hear myself think
where I do not have to think at all
and then it gets really quiet

there within the quiet
I can look within
and see what is going on
with me

in the silence
God speaks
and I can hear him
helping me
loving me
encouraging me
urging me to do
His will
inviting me on the adventure
He wants to have with me


We all seek love & kind words

Have you noticed lately
how so many songs have come out
telling you how beautiful you are?
All radio stations too
not just Christian
Don't you know
that it is God loving on you?
through these writers
these singers
passing over air waves
and speaking right to your heart
because we all want to hear it
we all are seeking to feel special
and appreciated
in this life
seeking out someone
to tell us so
and God is saying
what you need to hear


free write

We are all flawed
we will never achieve perfection
say it with me
"I will never achieve perfection"
doesn't that kind of take a load off?
(exhale deeply)

I think we all are subconsciously striving for that
hard on ourselves
picking at ourselves
IF ONLY we say
If I just had this or didn't have that
physically, materially, mentally, spiritually....

and we do it with other people too
If I could combine her compassion
with that other girls sense of style
and yet another girls awesome looks
she would be the perfect girlfriend....

but here is the thing
we are all flawed for a reason!
every one of us!
So we need to stop daydreaming of creation
we were created to be exactly who we are
the way we are
can we just try to relax in that?
Just accept ourselves
Just BE?

Why is it so hard?
God designed you for a distinct purpose
you are the hand maybe
I am the foot
yet another person is the elbow
or maybe we are each just one of the nerve endings!
our purpose is very specific
and we need each other too
we rely on each other
even if we never acknowledge each other
so to hurt someone
really is-to hurt our own selves

we don't really get that yet...
because lets face it
there are certain people that go against our grain
and it is so hard to understand their purpose
in the scheme of things
but I promise you
if YOU understood everything
there would be no use for God

We will never figure it out
and attempting to is OK if you just find it entertaining
but the moment you cross that line
the moment you think "I can do this on my own"
you hurt yourself
you isolate yourself
you shut off the water
and all your infinite resources
are out of reach

God wants to give you everything
acknowledging His power in your life
having a thankful heart
and realizing your life is a GIFT
THAT is where the real power lies

The power is in the freedom
in the letting go
in the surrender
in the trust
in the love
in the compassion
in the giving
in the moment where you stop striving!
where you give up control!

I know you feel vulnerable
I know you want to play a part
but do you want to play the part you made up for yourself
or the part God designed for you before the beginning of time?
The part he intricately planned out for your ultimate success
and to the most benefit of the lives you touch?

The beauty of all of this is that we will find our own way
in our own time
God is running after us always
and not in a harassing way
God isn't a stalker,
He will never leave you in a way you never want Him to
In the way you never wanted your husband to leave
or your family member in death
or in the way anyone leaves before you wanted them to

You have all the time that you have
to find what you need to find
and I have confidence
that you will only do what you are doing
until it does not work

The awesome thing about God is
once you find Him
you know He works
(He will show you)
so you might have to shift things around within the idea of Him
but you won't ever again have to start from scratch
you won't have to revamp your approach to life
over and over again

let go of bitterness
let go of hatred
let go of unforgiving my friend
all these things do is keep you from true freedom
they are chains that weigh too much
that weigh you down
and you CHOOSE to carry them don't you see?

Open your eyes
Open and in awareness SEE
Our free will tends to run our lives
because we think IT is our freedom
but it is a mirage
all free will will lead to
is empty choice and personal fulfillment
that leaves us aching in thirst

The real thing can only exist
when we make God our Best Friend
accept Him
and know
that He was supposed to be the one

the One we are supposed to seek acceptance from
because He will never reject us
and the One we seek significance from
because we are eternally precious to Him
and the One we seek security from
because He will be with us always

and it is only with Him that we will feel purposed
and productive
truly alive

stay there
go deep
and discover
by asking Him
what you were really meant for!


Tuesday, November 9

tick tock

s l o w
and d r a w n o u t
by design

the more that happens
the more you learn
that you WILL get through

more chaos?
you emerge more mellow
even if it makes you worse first
even if you don't see the way out
at the time

life is about holding on
about learning
if you are willing
about listening
to people much wiser than you

and there is nothing more precious
than friendship unwarranted
that is offered despite who you are
and love that never came at a cost
and being loved
as YOU



you broke your sisters bed tonight
tried to hang from the headboard
and snap
there is red sharpie written across
the side of my white upholstered bed
a star burst in the flat screen TV
where you threw a nice shooter marble
orange and blue nail polish on the doorway mouldings
and I will admit I thought "go gators!"
before I got the nail polish remover
and had you help me rub it off
scribblings on walls
and every time I ask
"what is the only thing we right on?"
you always score an A on your answer
then there is the mystery sink incident
a crack running 3 ways into the porcelain
I did not see you do it
but you have a way of "rearranging things"
now don't you?
but gosh we'll get through this
I love you kid


patience for pressure

my feelings
lost in translation

sometimes I even go blank
from the pressure
of saying something interesting
something important
it hovers over me
and I choke on it

the silence is forever now
you have had nothing to say
for years
why do I try to work with that?

why can't I just let go?
just BE
really truly surrender completely....

I have tried not to care
but I am a care bear
it is unnatural
and it isn't uncaring that I am aiming for
it is confidence
confidence in God in me
PEACE in not having to talk
or anything
and patience, with the process

every new day brings NEWNESS
I am not being redundant
I am emphasizing
you open your eyes to a brand new day
and maybe you don't even get a glimpse of yesterday

He has a portion for NOW
not then and not when....
so stay awake
so hold on
so breathe deep
the contractions of life pass too
and there will be a day
that you cannot remember
your pain
a day
filled with HOPE
your mind renewed


Monday, November 8

raggedy ann

the same size as me
her yarn red hair
her stitched black eyes
and her big red heart

the parts of her
that I remember the most

when I slept
I would straddle her,
the feel of her fabric skin
memorized by little finger tips

my stuffed friend
who sat by
silently watching
my life go by

and now
she is under my daughters bed
silently wondering
where the love went


to be

because you fear
because of the loss...
you can't stand to lose anymore
you are not sure what would be left of you then
but no need to defend
surrender more
trust more
trust God has it all under control
everything is as it should be
everything is going according to plan
don't doubt
or sulk
or wallow where you know no one will find you
that is nonconstructive
and it is hiding
share without dumping
be, without feeling you have to say anything
float around and smell like marshmallows
and convey love
and smile, even if it hurts,


Sunday, November 7

not God , not Love

thrown away
not needed
not wanted
turned away from
changed my mind
love lost
luster gone
moving on


your burden

If I could carry some of the baggage you have
don't you know I would?
to see you carry it all on your own....
I am helpless & hurting
watching you

watching you
becoming fatigued
straggling behind
and confused

but God told me a long time ago
that He is the only one that truly saves
that I was just in the way...

and I believe Him

so I do what I can
I lift you up in prayer
I help where I can
I love you Dear


one way out

ten thousand cries
that sound like lies
creep up from within
your wounded soul

they call to remind you
they shout to distract
and they are relentless
to keep you off track

from whispers to screaming
it is altogether dreaming
a nightmare never intended for you

spiritual reality
is knocking
trying to wake you
redirect you
are you listening through?

isolate the life line
seek out the voice of life
that never sleeps
that is always awake
pursuing you
with rope to pull you out
if only you would look up