Thursday, December 13

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Friday, December 7

Take His hand

He stands between you and sin
with an impassioned plea for you to come with Him
because He sees the threat and he knows the dark contract
that a life without Him holds
He reminds you of His promises
and beckons you once more

He understands the fear he sees in your eyes
and he knows all you've been through
knows you've been convinced by life
that you're absolutely worthless

Oh the lie
that steals from you
His precious precious child
and all He wants to do is take you from here
all you have to do is take His hand...

When wounded, hurt and robbed
a way out seems like mocking
because it couldn't possibly be true
and yet that is what God is offering to you

Instant protection
a safe harbor for your resting
a reversal of your trouble
your pain slowly dissolving
with one word spoken

JESUS

Jesus
rescue me
take me with you
from this place
this place I have suffered in for too long
existing without you
aimlessly tumbling around
tripping in the dark
without your awesome light.

~C





Long After

Every good deed
every kind word
every bit of compassion and love conveyed
has a voice that keeps on singing
long after it has spoken

~C

He is loving YOU

For always
Forever
In Love
and In Truth
with Dignity
and Integrity
and Gentleness...

He is all in
never holding back
He is not human
and you needed to hear that didn't you?
not like you
not at all

His ways much more consistent than mine
His heart purified
His intentions so driven that it makes mine look like a pale pale shadow
on the sidewalk on a hazy winter day, barely visible
He is bold and bright and beautiful
and as simple as I can be,
All that amazing Love of His
He has for me

His Love will always out do any
His arms always open to hold me
No bridge too long to reach me
No mountain too high to separate us
No way too long to find me
No chasm too deep to cross

This supernatural God
who could cross obstacle's in an instant
instead chose to climb and sweat and hurt and persevere for YOU
He took the long road
instead of the easy one
He chose to fight and tarry
because you are so worth it

It is not about proving His love
although He will do that too
but about showing you
that YOU are worth His love
worth anything hard He has to do to get to you

You are worth all of that suffering
You are worth all of those scars
and you'll never find him muttering
or doubting if you are deserving
He is not human

Love does
and doesn't count the cost
the higher the risk
the more it means
the higher the probability of failure
the more it shines through
there is NOTHING in the world and beyond
God would not do
to prove He absolutely loves you.

~C



SHINE

I wish I could see me
like you do
"beautiful" and "amazing"
I know that is what God says too
but the seed of doubt is planted too deep
and I focus on flaws
I flounder in wondering
in trying to keep
my confidence
my peace

Trying to rest in acceptance
in unconditional love
where God says you are a jewel
no matter the race you run
no matter the scars
no matter how weary
He wants me at my worst, my best
constantly pursuing me

Gods love isn't based on feelings
He doesn't change His mind
His goal is steadfast
His love is BLIND
Covered by Jesus
He sees past my mind
with all its confusion and non commitment
past my fears and loathing
past my unforgiving and my wandering

He covers me
and gathers me up into infinite arms
and calls me His own
and shakes his head at my personal scorn
at my shame and my disbelief
that He could find ME so breathtaking

My doubting to Him is insanity
My wondering just makes Him prove it more
He already knows how long it will take
to drink in the idea and accept myself
just as I am...

God of wonders
of mystery
Let your love shine in
way into me
sort it out so I can believe it too
This amazing Love
I have for you...
YOU have that for me too

Let me walk all my days
SHINING
like I know it is true.

~C



Saturday, November 24

water

You taught me not to trust you
actions betraying words
promises when arrived at
discovered to be abandoned
a crying wolf story comes to life
and now when you cry
I wonder at the water
I once called tears.

~C

cold northern wind

Will there never not be tension
this taught rope of unfinished business
this cyclone of sucking air that does not allow anything to be still
the droning roar that drowns out the words I need you to say
and the debris in the air that distracts you from seeing my tears
and then also
a frozen place where everyone stands scared and dazed
wondering at what was and could have been
stuck
and at the same time going through motions
that look like moving on

But stick me in a room with you and it all flies back in
might as well be a flock of black crows squawking
rushing in on a cold northern wind
filling the room
with high pitched cackling
and mocking our attempts
at making a way past or through
it doesn't matter much which

No matter the damage or how much I try to muddle it
or reason about how there is no trust in it
the road just seems to be leading back to you.

~C


Hoper Dreamer

The hoper wants to hope
the dreamer wants to dream
resisting logic
and scrunching their noses up at reality
avoiding despair
giving things wings that do not know how to fly
and even at the expense of confusing their own hearts
they press on
hoping
& dreaming
thriving
in an existence hidden from most
eluding even them.

~C

Tip

Cleaning tip to apply to life:

"Sometimes you even have to vacuum the vacuum"

Be careful of what you choose to suck up!!

~C

flawed

We are all
F L A W E D
you can either let that depress you
or motivate you to
C H A N G E

~C

powerful whisper

Trust yourself
your instincts
your intuition
you know the Holy Spirit speaks to your heart
in a powerful whisper
that was designed to protect you
The Voice that teaches
urges you patiently in love
towards your best,
even when it doesn't make "sense"
that finds a way to expose everything
to God's awesome light
His wisdom
His justice
His good...

all that good that He has
to give to YOU...

won't you listen?

~C

Dedicated

I like to find songs that speak to me
whose lyrics heal me
and then I like to pretend you dedicated the words
it puts me on the path to forgiving
even if all that energy starts and ends with me
I know best what my heart needs
and I do not hesitate to give

~C

NEW magnifies OLD


Drawn beyond logic
toward the sun
where I have been burned before
where I was blinded by love
and now
a pain induced reality
has executed and replaced
the dreaming side of me
that side that fantasized about an ordinary life
where nothing tragic happened
and a family honored each other in love
my deluded thinking,
assuming a simple dream
would not attract devastation

My life is a tattered quilt
each patch a beautiful section of color
full of hope
but slashed with time
torn by people pulling their own way
or leaving this earth all together
why am I being left behind in too many ways?
patching my quilt
picking up the pieces
and making something new
from my broken dreams
and my shattered past

But new just magnifies the old
and my head says one thing
and my heart argues
you can make anything look good
dress it up
but there is nothing like the natural beauty of things
the raw unrealistic yearnings of your heart
drawing you back into the sun
where the familiar burning makes you shake with fear
where you will catch afire for sure

or will you?

~C

Friday, November 2

frozen

forgive me
forgive me
forgive me
for being a bumbling human
the kind who doesn't know how to express her heart
or say goodbye without screwing it up

how do you stand before a beautiful wall
and take a hammer to it?
Tear down something you helped to build
something you love...?

Loving comes easily to me
it is when it unravels that I don't know what to do
I am more concerned with staying calm
than with taking a stand
or telling someone they crossed a line for me
my nature to step back
rather than put my hand up

Sassy to me always translated as bitchy
and I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be
but to be assertive and up front....I know it would help
but I don't know if I have it in me
& that will cost me

In these times where I louse it up
where I let go, one ribbon at a time, in my head
but I don't tell you that until the end
and I run

because looking you in the eyes
would rip my guts out
I'd look at you with frozen lips
and conceal my cowardly heart
that cannot say the things I fear
and I am so sorry

Matters of the heart
tangle my spoken words to the point of chaos
where I want to ask myself to be quiet
and go to my room
and come back when I have something constructive
something worthy to share

~C








corner of my heart

I stand in the corner of my heart
and I asses the damage from there
the losses
the gains
and the countless fluctuations
and I wonder at the scars
I am amazed at it's size
I am sure you can see the tears in my eyes

I own my heart
but I rarely go in
and wonder at it
but I fail to treat it like an old friend
sometimes I even avoid it completely
and throw caution to the wind
better to chance the break
than never really live....

right?

Risking the condition of my own heart
doesn't rattle me as much as risking yours
I step forward and enter in and it is as if I expose you
open your chest up and pour my love right in
and love does take prisoners
it will lock you right up
until your filled from it
or it begins to cause fractures...

so at first
an individual decision
and then a mutual leap
an investment of time and mileage
of energy and so much love

to regret what you take away from what we had
is to deny the love that truly WAS
is to say it wasn't worth it to you
how do we ever know unless we try?
until we decide to try and fly?

and even when we project the very best
that love can spill & seep through cracks
cracks that will be sown up with time
and sown up with love to come
from forgiveness
if you choose to allow it
did I already say with time?

time
time
time....

That
broken
swollen
& hopeful
heart of mine
how it wants to get it right....

~C


Thursday, November 1

Life cuts in

I'll miss you already
even before you have to go
even before the goodbyes are said
and I've held you
but you know
and you say it too
without saying anything at all
time slows
and then stops
and we hang here
in mid air
wondering if our memories
will live on for a lifetime
even if we don't
don't walk the future out
together.

~C

singing nonsense

Sigh
Sigh
Sigh

cry
cry
cry

why?
why?
why?

Oh me,
Oh my.....

Bye & Bye

I wish I may

I wish I might

go fly a kite

just take a bite

I don't want to fight

goodnight


~C

Adapt to survive, to keep it "alive"

Considerate
to a fault
where I bypass me
to accommodate you

If weighed
your feelings
would always have more value
than mine

selflessness is grand
until you lose yourself in it
until the blinders
on the sides of your eyes
keep you from being self aware

Your wants
your desires
your interests
your values
they make up who you are

to ignore them for the sake of loving someone
is to admit that they fell in love
with a chameleon
someone who adapts
instead of someone who IS

Who am I?
What do I want?
What am I about?
and why do I turn the music down
when all I want to do is dance?


~C

His Plans, not mine

Throughout most of my life
I know that I know
even when I don't want to know
because once I do
It rocks what is
or shakes it up
or changes it
and sometimes
I just want to float down the river
and bask in the sun
and spend my time dreaming and wondering
at the beauty God's spun

But He allows it to change
like the seasons turn
showing me that underneath it all
my seams have come undone
and everything I try to put together
out of my own power and strength
has no backing and no substance
without His consequence
His influence
it is like building my life on sand
striving and trying
to do what He can do in a wave of His hand

And I resist change when I can see it coming
one little hint at a time
and no preparing comforts the leap
the going, when He asks
I know that I know that I need to walk away
but I stay anyway,
till I can't
My own ways not His best ways
and I know it...
it's not chance.

~C


Sunday, October 21

Harder

Harder than it has to be
but just how you want it
you rather suffer
than climb aboard the love boat
or participate in,
the fancy dance of crazy peeps
who feast on imaginings

Your mind is skewed
thinking that in this world
it is all or nothing
but God isn't harsh
not shoving you
toward the light
He is not deranged
or vindictive
He does not revel in your pain

But He knows the price of the other road
and He allows what causes change

Change will lift the veil from your life
it will open up your eyes
to reveal to you
more than you ever dreamed
reveal the better way
the way without tale told grief & sufferings

Where you lay your head upon the tracks
& await the train
you give up hope
and grumble that God created a rotten world
to watch us suffer in

How can He show you what He sees
if you are busy rejecting Him?
closing him out?

The simple act of wearing shades
causes your pupils to dilate
you choose to put them on
you choose this world again and again
to embrace the news
& all these outrageous things people do
to build a case to prove
that wallowing in anguish is justified
an obvious right

when really,
you just haven't the strength to fight.

~C





Friday, September 21

I am

I am thoughtful
I am my thinking
I am who God says I am
I am spirit
I am truth
I am light
I am love

I am patient
I am kind
I am amazing
I am feeling
I am cherished
I am purposed
I am loved
I am knowing

I am Him
He is me
and together
we will do everything.

~C

Through you

God is everywhere
in the eyes of the passer by
in the sun
on the tip of your tongue
as you give me wisdom
in your arms when you hold me
He is in the wind
that washes across your face
on it's way to the sea
God is in you & me

He searches your heart
and it feels like longing
He calls to your spirit
and it is a sort of drawing
calling you out into light
holding you
to something more

As he turns you over in His hand
and marvels
at His awesome creation
as you marvel back
at His awesome goodness
His grace
His love

He finds countless ways
to convey His best
and despite all your wonder & doubt
and it all comes through,
right through you.

~C

shadow

Remembering you
is peaceful
and paints a smile
across my face
Like a shadow cast by the sun
your love shadows my heart
born from feelings
that stay with me
long after you are gone
a face just inches from mine
now no longer
and reminding myself
becomes harder
yet part of you
is knit into me
is known
and loved
& your shadow
follows me.

~C

Steadfast

Stand steadfast as the person God designed you to be. 
Defensiveness and boasting are born from insecurity, 
and you know who you are. 
Do not let bitterness attach to you, 
forgive in the moment, 
RIGHT THEN & hand it over to God. 
The more constant your love, 
the more you surrender to what God is doing in you AND in them, 
the more grounded you will feel in the peace of God. 
Do not provide the weapons for the fight. 
Learn to walk away. 
God will remind them who you really are...
You do not have to prove that.

~C

Saturday, September 8

Above leading beyond

Her one sided and wounded advice is sought to confirm where you are now
to help you justify yourself and continue on the path you paved yourself
seeking advice from each other is tainted by our upbringing
by our influences both good and bad and all advice is flawed unless it checked
checked against something greater
someone greater
who's advice was written before you were born
and based upon LOVE
so that guy telling you you are going the right or wrong way...
who is he influenced by? in the moment is he checking his advice against God's?

We are a mess
A people with problems and flaws
we wrestle with control
we want to be right
we want recognition and validation even at a great cost to ourselves
we stumble around searching for fulfillment
and some days we get a false sense of it through our friends
not knowing where they are that day
not really knowing the groaning of their hearts
not knowing if their advice is coming from a grounded peaceful place
or out of suppressed anger and discontent

So the more I run to Jesus when I have problems, the better
the more I fall at HIS feet and say show me Lord, the better
the more I default to His advice and direction,
His words, His Holy Spirit..
the more I make choices that evolved out of His love
and not out of my wounds, or my friends wounds

The wide span of varied advice is never ending,
you can read something or find someone to justify your platform at all times
that doesn't make it right, or make you right for that matter
better to check the problem against God
His ways ABOVE your ways
His thoughts ABOVE your thoughts

His agenda?
His insecurities?
His need for your approval?
His wounding?
Those are human issues, ones that do not effect our God's advice
Do not effect our God's Love
He only has eyes for Love
for your BEST
and as your ultimate Father
He will not withhold even the toughest wisdom
He will not hesitate to ask something of you that you do not want to do.
He will not wait to challenge you
His goal is your best self, the self he designed you to be
He will refine you with fire
painfully prune your branches so that come next spring you blossom beyond belief
He owns the BIG PICTURE
YOUR big picture,
and He saw your beginning and He sees your end!

Why not ask the ONE who knows all of you
who knows all of your picture?
Why not run to Him first and then wait on His answer
friends there to listen, to pray with you, to comfort you....
but they were not meant to hold an arrow pointing to anything other than God.

~C


Sunday, August 26

You are Free

August 26th, 2012
God gave me a vision for Parker

He showed Parker bending down to shackle his own ankle with a big metal lock & key
with a heavy chain attached to a heavy weight
The shackle was a burden that Parker was choosing to put on himself
and then God showed me Jesus...
Lovingly bending down to unlock the shackle with His power alone,
He simply unhinged it and Parker stepped out...
but Jesus was behind where Parkers foot was so he wasn't aware of Jesus,
and then again Parker reached down to shackle himself...
and again Jesus followed him patiently, silently
unlocking the next one...

The message was that in not seeing ourselves as free
we choose to bind ourselves
but God is on a relentless, tireless and loving pursuit
to convince us otherwise
to free us completely from all the shackles we choose to put on ourselves
free us from all the things that hold us back

His yoke is light
His yoke is purposed
His yoke should not be confused with the shackles we create for ourselves
and then choose to drag around

He meant for us to be free
and He died to ensure that freedom
and He LIVES to prove it to us

~C

Handcuffs for Good

God gave me a vision this morning at worship...
I had my hands out in front of me, palms up
and God showed me a picture of how if I put my hands closer together
it is how you put your hands out to be handcuffed.
I was puzzled by this picture and asked God to explain...

In our sin life we are literally harmful to ourselves
we make decisions that hurt ourselves and others
by allowing God to put us in handcuffs
we are willing to submit to His authority
we are trusting Him for his best

An image that would usually make me cringe and feel trapped
(being put in handcuffs) Just by picturing it being done to me,
and yet God's analogy had a completely different spin.

By fully trusting and submitting to His authority
knowing He has our best interests at heart
knowing He has every intention of removing us from a harmful situation
all the while keeping the peace, intent on justice...
we show Him we are powerless by holding our hands out,
that we won't lean on our own understanding
that we are willing to surrender.

Most of us are running
creating the chase that forces us to surrender
that MAKES us turn around
even if it is just in a jail cell for a night
but God wants us to put our hands out willingly, now
before the running
and admit we don't have it all figured out
and that we are trusting that He does.

~C

GUTS & GLORY

We have to get to the GUTS of it
to be able to love
The roots are where the answer is
& you better hope it is a rock
you are building on
For how can we love another
until we first know how to love ourselves?
and how do we do that?
How do we know which way to go
if we do not default to the map?

What greater guide than Jesus Christ?
He built the land
and then gave you the tools to navigate it
He said the way isn't easy
but the GLORY of the journey is great
& the decision to go will be worth it

He is in it with you
for the long haul
In fact, He knows you have Him in you
so your success is guaranteed

You were designed to do great things
seeking after the heart of God
purposed for a cause
that you cannot even imagine the capacity of
you just have to be willing
and HE will be able

~C










My Amazing God

Amazing God
Your mystery is my favorite thing to behold
the way you link lessons
by connecting the dots for me

The way you use people to love on me
and draw me back in to the body
and welcome me home
and tell me how much I've been missed

You intend for me to use my gifts
and even during the times that I step back
you send people to knock on my door
and then you give me the words to comfort them

The way you give me pictures
to convey encouragement to others
encouragement for myself
knowing you are in tune with me
showing me I hear Your voice

Amazing God of mine
You call me yours
and I am deeply honored
humbled by your patience and your grace

I am here to learn
to worship
to listen to your heart
as it beats in the most powerful way

You are so intent on changing the world with Your love
and I have a role to play
you want me on your team
and I am ready to play!


~C







Saturday, August 18

Where to God??

Old school Star Wars trash compactor scene
this is where I am
walls closing in
and the slower they compress
the faster I wish they would
because over, is better than waiting to end

We have to choose every day
choose to stay
choose to stay committed to those we love
chose to go
choose to fight
choose a great attitude
choose doom and gloom
choice after choice...

If I just focus on the choices I want to scream
I feel shaky and overwhelmed
don't want the pressure of my role
making or breaking anything
and your need for me to choose faster doesn't help

Heart breaker no matter what path I choose
and it's easier to weigh and consider other hearts than my own
easier to go in and ask what I need
to think of my own heart...is this STILL the case??!

I don't want to feel like a contestant on love connection
choosing which path will lead to greatness...to happiness
is it 1, 2 or 3.....you tell me God
You are the great all knowing One
The One who created little me
messy messy me
who keeps trying but never knows

I don't want to be handled or coerced or manipulated God
I don't want to doubt or fear or worry that what I am choosing could be the wrong thing
I want to feel with every fiber that it is all good Lord
Help me to choose and walk in confidence
to speak forth your love and your light over my life
give me a peace and a calm with every step

You pluck me out of a raging sea and place me upon a mountain top
You sooth my heart with one look, one comforting look of acceptance
You draw me in close to you and your heartbeat becomes a rhythm that sings words
that heal and stitch up my wounds...

You are my focus
You are the answer
You are the love
My love
and I am so grateful you are mine
mine all mine (sigh) and You never end

Thank you for your unending help Lord
Your gracious, patient, forgiving, truthful and gorgeous LIGHT
that SHINES through my darkness
and envelopes it completely,
totally.

~C

Tuesday, August 14

run girl run

A thousand million diamonds embedded in the asphalt I am running on
and they sparkle with promise 
with encouragement
 
A road paved with my success if I am willing to travel it
by foot

A road that leads to a new body, a renewed mind
and no matter how steep the challenge
when I am running down the other side to victory
I know it is worth every step



Stardust trapped in tar
all that potential trapped in me
emerging in the night breeze
while I wish I was running with you.



~C

Thursday, July 26

now

remembering
processing
hurting
running
growing
stretching
numbing
tearing
retching
suffering
wondering
hoping
reaching
burning


& rising from ashes...

~C

masked

you just need a gun
you accomplice to the crime
you drove the get away car
your presence, a landslide
your roll in my life
the backside
your ninja kick to my domino's
like a RESET
control alt delete
while I wait staring at a black screen
it is easier to let you hurt me
than face my unforgiveness
my disappointment in my own deficit
unable to dig deep anymore...

Dear God take the stinger from my memory
can't rewrite it
but can choose what to do with it
take me out
subtract my part
RESET
mind over matter
on to what matters now
a reality that adds
a reality that IS
replacing
what was.

~C

stuck

New chapter
of a very old story
one I do not want to keep telling
or living
to be honest
and yet I am a main character
included in the writing
in a way that entangles me until the very end
and if I could
I would write a way out
it seems easier
that I should live out a boring old alternate ending
that you wouldn't be interested in reading anyway...
but wanting out
only makes me more interesting
only develops my plight
so that you want to know why I want out even more...
such is life
this catch 22
these things that you resist
they create layers that smother
that take you deeper
to a place that you fear you are running out of breath
and like quicksand and struggling
they just don't mix

~C

bursting bubbles

It always seems like a good idea
but it rarely is
the mood isn't right
or the intention is askew
or the temperature leaves you sweating, waiting
for anything,
but the nothing that does come

infused with expectation
your attention wanes
wanting it so badly
this dream scenario to unfold before you
a stage set with all the right players

but alas it does not
and you stare at your feet
wondering why God gave you such an awesome imagination
if all the things you can imagine
never intend to solidify before your eyes

if all your fantasies are doomed to flourish
only in your sleeping hours
and lived out horizontally with eyes flashing beneath lids
feeling everything
but doing
none of it

~C

Friday, June 1

purposed pain

You want the gory details don't you?
you want to know the extent of the pain I endured
know how many nights I cried
how many miles I walked as I paced the floor...waiting...while wringing my hands

Only when you know all this will my story have value
If I didn't fall apart
If I held my head above water
If I survived
it only means something, counts for something
If you know I suffered

Every great triumph emerges from darkness
Only by fighting through a forest of adversity
do we make it out into the bright vast meadow
all scratched and bruised, yes
but ALIVE
and those wounds will heal
and you will be left with a reminder in your heart
that you made it
that you endured

Life is about learning who we are
discovering how much we can take
what we are made of
we see who we choose to run to
what we succumb to
what awakens us
what drives us to the edge of madness
and what inspires us

The more we learn, the more we know
the more we can apply and the more we grow
evolve, change, blossom, morph, adapt, CHANGE, for the better
into the person God intended us to be

Now do you see the purpose of adversity?

~C

Thursday, May 17

little bit of everything

Timing isn't everything
that is just an old saying
it is as random as raining
the thing you cannot harness
only plan to capture
when you set it up just right
when it falls into place
aligning
lining up
and overlapping

A window of opportunity
brought about by a million different moves
in the same direction
over half a lifetime
even 2 people
propelled toward totally different goals
can collide in an instant

You cross over my wake
and I'll give you a ride
and as the water calms
we'll see if you are also fine
with floating with me
and looking at the sky
those clouds in your eyes
your hand in mine

~C


shades

Deep breath & slow deliberate steps
into a fog
eyes constantly adjusting
seeking out some object that would ground you
or remind you of what you consider home
anything familiar
but then you traded familiar for new....

An unexpected smile filled with promise
with hope of a new chapter
that regards you in a way you've never known
taking you in....
a revolving door that spits you out
each time better than before
effecting you in all the right ways
and altering the way you see

Sat on my sunglasses and crushed them
seemed an accident at the time
but the link to understanding where I am now
has shown me there was purpose in letting go of them

The new ones feel fine
new view through them
and so comfortable that I cannot feel them
perched upon my face
helping me see the new
seeing what could be
what is
and how else could that be....
unless I moved from where I was?
unless I moved...

finally able to.

~C

FLY

Wings clipped
grew back
and you can fly now
you really can...
technically it is a capability
even if flying has become a foreign concept
a forgotten notion
even if it intimidates you
the leap involved
the risk
the faith you have to muster
the TRUST

You will always be vulnerable after all
whether you choose to try or not
with feet on the ground
or feet dangling in the clouds
you will always have the ability to die
the question is if you really want to live
while you are here
ALIVE

~C

can't shake Him

Open
open eyes
open heart
open mind
to receive
to see
to hear
what God is setting before you
no longer stumbling over
what you could not perceive
no longer too high up
and never looking down
to notice
to marvel
to ponder the gifts of each day
set at your feet

A wagging tail
a silent prize at your doorstep
"look what I got for you"!

Only God does not seek your approval
He just loves to give
and He will not stop
no matter what you do
if you can see it
or if you wear blinders
you can dodge
you can run
but He is consistent
He is ruthless in His pursuit of you
and in the name of love
He will not stop
your whole life long.

~C


Sunday, April 15

proven

gossip is so unnecessary.
people will show you exactly who they are.
(eventually)

~C

sunshine & swimming & innocence

Native Nudies in the pool
this time of your life
where nakedness is innocence and freedom
you are not self conscious yet
or worrying about anything
just pretending and open
so unaware that you are vulnerable to the world
but that is my job, to know that
to protect you where I can
to marvel at your natural ways and how they are second nature to you
there is so much I can learn from you
being so open and carefree and so comfy
being nudie.

~C

break in

You are a vault I want to break into
I want to violate all of your locks
and peer into the deep recesses of your mind
see the many things you think of
but never say
shown in pictures so that I really understand
how you truly feel
because then I'd know if I should walk away
or stay.

~C

Wednesday, March 21

for breath and life

He will give you enough
for today
and again tomorrow
He breathed life into you,
gave you that life
and He gives that life meaning too
and knowing this gives you peace
and you do not worry about anything...
to fear is to lose time
a fish floundering on a hot dry dock
that is not His best for you
you are more than a fish
a fisher of men
a man with a purpose
a purpose with a prize
a prize that is forever growing
in the gut of you
that gives now AND later
that becomes greater and greater with time
through learning and growing
with Him showing...
connecting the dots of your life
to prove to you there is a pattern
that He is here
with you now, for forever
and the picture he paints of you
evolves as it is painted
like a sunset with many facets and faces
His ways above our ways
and His thoughts...
how amazing they must be
to have created
you.

~C

wandering solo

Through a dessert of unknowing
and wondering at everything
while waiting
for that something I'll know when I feel it
like not knowing how soft a thing is
until you touch it
the difference that comes
when viewing a face through a veil of love

A face that once, was just a passer by
now the dearest thing your eyes could behold...
all because of the yes of your heart
an acknowledgement of your soul
but a decision too, to invest in another
to let yourself go, to open up
to willingly surrender

A fond memory now
to this time of stillness
where I listen and watch and learn
and patiently wonder
when I will experience it again
and how long it will be
not wanting it to feel like an eternity...

~C





here, not here

here
but not here
aware
but gone too
you only have part of me
here with you
one hand to hold and the other one searching
groping for more
one eye on you
one eye on the door
you feel it don't you?
that half of me missing
that side of me unsatisfied
that deep part of me not knowing
not knowing if it is you or me
not knowing if I'd be happier anywhere
but here
always asking in my head if I would....
and it is the asking that steals
from me
from you too
because I am here
but I am not here
and you feel that.

~C


For J.B.

That gnawing
that feels like aching
like an itch you can never quite scratch
someone knocking on the door that has been nailed shut
it will not be easily reopened
and trying to, will jar him into acknowledgment...
or so that is the plan

He knew the choice he just made
would blow his world apart
open wide
exposing every part of it
like a gaping wound exposing bone
there would be no more hiding
no more shadows or alley ways
no shades of gray to conceal his options
there weren't any
not any more

No turning back
no last look
that was then
and he is living in the now...
hands shaking
head throbbing
the long drawn out painful process
of adjusting to the light
that some days shines too bright
and singes the end of his shame
and reminds him of the easy death of sin
(that he could still chose to die)
and yet it is exhilarating
to step out of the darkness
new and not tired
hopeful and raw
stark and fragile
and no matter how flawed he is
the plans for him are not...
this new beginning
is from God
and perfect
in it's timing

~C


Lack

He carried lack in his pocket
and took it out way too much
rolling it over in his hand
liking the familiar feel of it
no matter how it stole from him
even when it always left him wanting
and impossible it was
not to transfer that lack into the corners of his life
and into the open spaces too
rubbing it off on the people he loved
those people who would also never measure up
always the residue of lesser than
haunting the places where things are not said
but always felt
always wondered
but never given life or breath....
and what would be the use?
For as long as lack has a cozy place in his pocket
fulfillment and peace will elude him
not able to share the same space.

~C




Saturday, March 3

relating to your pain, my love

There was a time
when I was the first person you wanted to tell
to share your everything with
where we meshed together
as one
couldn't tell where you ended
and I had begun

and now you hide
now you run
look me in the eyes
and I come undone
to see the vacant expression
where love once was abound

it consumes me
the absence of you
in a room where your body sits
and spends time with me but for a moment
before you move past me again

and shift your eyes
searching for peace anywhere but here
and distracted,
courted by an artificial high
your heart stolen from me
how can I compete?

It fills the place
the absence of who you were to my life
a life once was so full of us
and you might as well be sailing away
forever bidding me goodbye
like your actions do every day...

~C


words for you

My mind will not stop writing to you
even when I will it to seise
what to do with these spilling thoughts not shared
your ears spared
for a decent amount of time
an outcome
to be determined
then...

peace in knowing
these future words
will not fall on deaf ears
when they do fall out of my mind
so I write them out anyway
and wait to share,
these letters written in the air.

~C

fighting for me

Let's move to Paris
to Portland
to Maine
Let's sweep that all under the rug
better yet, let's pretend it never happened at all.

The record is skipping
you couldn't tell?
Are you listening?
Can't you see that the pattern is perpetuating?
when will you learn?
Not him, YOU

Walk your talk
hold your ground
anything worth YOU is worth standing up for
worth the sacrifice of waiting
worth walking away from today,
(today and all its confusions)

Fight in prayer
but get out of the ring physically
your frustration isn't helping
your impatience isn't helping
you are going there again...

Step away
do not put yourself into harms way
you are worth more than that

You are WORTH it.

~C

rebirth by choice

I took you personally
you were mine
for a time
(even if you never really were)

and that is how I loved you
for me, no one else
no other options I wanted
nothing to escape

so to let go
to step back
has been a long time coming
like a closed hand
and prying open
one finger at a time
with resistance
and pain

too used to holding
too used to hoping
too used to fighting
and waiting
for anything
that confirmed my standing

because it is what I became accustomed to
and comfortable with
no matter how unsatisfying
or draining
or discouraging

doesn't make it right
or the fight worthwhile
but anything you believe is worth it
becomes so.

The mind,
a powerful thing

emerging from sleep on an overcast day
that tries to lull me back to sleep
but I will shake it from me
and see past the smokescreen
see things for other than what they "seem"

aware now, I take a sledge hammer
to each link of that chain
and crush the link between what was
and what is
the gift of awakening

~C



look you in the eyes

No matter how far you run
you'll always arrive
back at you
might as well face yourself.

~C

child like heart

Oh my baby bear
with imaginary flowers in your hair
with smiles and grace
and hope & peace

With questioning eyes
at those gray gray skies
not understanding why
every day
isn't rainbows and sunshine

life is crushing
if you let it
but in your heart of hearts
the reality you've created with your heart
is the honest truth

The way it was meant to be
way way back in history
before the world gained control of itself
and made a mess of it

So hold fast, hold strong
to all those beautiful songs
that fill your life with all the right words
that nourish your imaginings

Better to live the dream
then open your eyes
to anything that will lie to you.

~C

false reality made

deep in the forest
no bearings
and I have no breadcrumbs
no flares, no spray paint, or florescent tape...
nothing to declare
that I was here
or help me get back
back...
do I want to go back?
and isn't "lost" a relative term?
the forest knows where it is.
where it stands.
but do I?
(no) my soul whispers
but I am finding out
adapting to falling darkness
and rising dawn
as my days are defined by the level or lack of light
and finding new meanings for words,
shelter
comfort
& hunger
redefined...
Am I comfortable here?
How?
With these blisters,
these twigs in my hair?
How is it that I've made a life in here?

~C


Burn

Flash moment
too little, too late
to make it right
cannot go back again
to take precautions
for the first time
so BURN baby burn...
and what I want to know?
Did you learn?

~C

For You

These stops and starts of my heart, 
The wandering and searching part, 
in-between where there is seemingly no meaning, 
is where I dig to know, 
to find, 
what is lurking in my mind...
What is helpful? 
What is true?
I will find the answers with you. 

~C

Sunday, January 8

False Advertising

The world
Full of it
and even so
It will be sold
and even then
you will choose to resale THAT
recycled lies
that manipulate and blind
bought and sold
stolen from and closed
down, down down
it goes
the spiral of habit
of indulgence disguised as distinguished
and obsession mistaken for control
we call these things good
and they trick us even more
keep up with the Jonses
and you all fall down
You were meant to take your lead
from the man with the crown.

~C

God is the Beach

God is the beach
washed up treasures for you to discover
each day
each day new treasures
His blessings never ending
so don't walk the streets of the city
and shout your echoed cries into the buildings
declaring He gives you nothing
He needs you to meet Him at the beach
to seek and find Him
the sand is His mercy
The waves are His word
the shells His offering
His promises in the sunsetting over the water
Every color a love letter
Each day a new scene
different waves
different shells
different people
different weather
but always there
never stopping
all of it a gift for you
an endless timeless gift for you
open to everyone
Meet Him...Find Him
He is there.

~C

Thursday, January 5

God's Best

Feeling forgotten...
when there are so many signs to point to how significant you are
Seeing red...
when the very thing you find offensive comes from not letting go of what is festering
Waiting and waiting...
when the moment is now to live,to love,to reach out & find your whole life is what was waiting to unfold
Grumbling & complaining...
when there is so much to be thankful for
Worrying...
when there is no point because it only steals from you
Debating in your mind...
when the truth is you have very little control
Striving...
when really you are perfect now, just the way you are, even doing nothing
Hiding...
when there is nothing more freeing than putting your cards on the table
Running...
when all God wants is for you to stop and take His hand and walk and talk with Him
So you can begin....
Seeing
Forgiving
Encouraging
Having compassion
Comforting
Giving
Loving
Being
Living

~C

Finding Balance

I was in a funk the other day
It didn't feel like I wanted to cry but like my body did. Like I had this heavy damp coat on
that I couldn't shrug off. There is insight to this too, because it was a clue to tell me my issue was literally WITH my body, and I think that is why my mind was having trouble discerning what was wrong.

I laid in bed in the dark and asked God to reveal what was going on. 
and then it came to me....An old wound with strings coming out of it, attached to different aspects of my life concerning the same issue. Working out-connected to a feeling of conditional love-connected to a subconscious stubbornness-connected to a false feeling of control-That makes me a stubborn mule with my hooves dug into the ground. "I am not budging....the more you want it, the more I am not going there. " is what I might as well have said.

A subconscious link to acceptance-tied to rejection-tied to body weight, or image....
If love is not unconditional, it is conditional and conditional love hinges upon your ability to deliver, and if you cannot deliver, then you won't be loved, and around and around it goes.

But I don't want to ride that Merry-Go Round, so I plant my feet and being stubborn, think that I have fooled the process, and yet like reverse psychology the devil is getting me to do exactly what he wants. He is stealing from my life either way. 
To be stubborn and hold back from working out steals from me, my health, my comfort, my confidence, my energy....he convinced me that by standing still I would deny the conditional love from stealing from me, when really I am denying myself health and prosperity concerning my own body.

Physical Idols are everywhere and if your priority is to your body above all else....well then, as an example, you build a case to convince me (through your actions) that I do not want to be like you. 
I see this red flag waving that boldly declares a warning : Do not be like him, this person who puts body before anything, this person that is so consumed! 

So I use that too to justify standing still

A positive turned negative, like every good thing done in moderation is suddenly tainted by becoming an obsession, where the once normal act of riding, is now riding you. 
There is such a fine line between the two
a moment where enough is not enough anymore, and where more isn't satisfying.
Carried away by your own current, like you got the ball rolling until it picked up such momentum 
that you are running for your life and you mistake the adrenaline rush from trying to stay alive for exhilaration. 

Balance comes from neither digging my heels in to stand still in stubbornness
nor from running for my life
It is somewhere in-between where my actions are not based on anyone's approval of me.

~C

Include Him

The Holy Spirit is awesome.
and hey why is it THE Holy Spirit?
It is not THE Jesus or THE God....
Hmmmm.
Anyway, I love how the Holy Spirit is right there waiting for you to acknowledge Him.
He is just hanging out, because most of the time you make Him a passenger to your life, but really
He is thinking, "Man would I love to have an adventure with her, If she would just acknowledge me,
or include me in her decisions...."
When you start to the feeling of connectedness is amazing. This whisper of a thought will give you direction, sometimes direction that seems trivial in the moment, like which errand to run first....but then when you run into an old friend and marvel at the extremely rare chance that you would have chosen to leave the house the time you did, got through traffic with no mishaps, not make any detours that would have swerved you off of that path....
It is like He is confirming, PROVING to you, He is in that, that there is no coincidence.
It gets even better when a "divine appointment" with someone includes you speaking life into them,
words you know are not from you because they just flow.
This is the stuff God is made of.
An adventure to be had, that is waiting for you, and the instant you acknowledge it,
it begins to unfold.

~C

Like You

Like You.
Can you?
What if your life depended on it? (I am being dramatic to make a point)
What if your mental life did?
See, I have this theory, that connects to the second most important scripture
"To love thy neighbor as thy self"
How can we love someone else and not first love ourselves
and you are thinking Oh, it is MUCH easier....
If I focus on others I do not have to even look at myself, maybe that is more comfortable for you...
but you are wrong
Everything we convey to others comes from a place within ourselves.
Distain and contempt are like mirrors hanging from your ears because they reflect the contempt or distain you hold against yourself
and if you cannot truly love yourself, the way God loves you
then you hold people at a distance in a mental way
there is some part of you that they may never touch
even you may not know this place because you have forbidden yourself from going there
but in NOT going there you create this superficial-looking relationship
built upon what you can control and manage
to risk, to be vulnerable, to spill your guts and be real....
this is what makes relationship great
God said to bear each others burdens
Treat each other how we would like to be treated....
and how to do you treat YOURSELF?
It is a good question
I am wondering if you are your own best friend
If I was stressed I would get a massage for me
If I was needing to relax I would draw a bath for me
If I needed some alone time with God I would make a date to walk the beach
You should know you
and be good to you

If you know yourself
If you do the work it takes to look in and let go
you will feel a burden lifted
you will seise from hiding
and the moment you step out and face who you are
and choose to love you, flaws and all
is the moment you can truly love
and give all of you
and in turn gain a true friend
in yourself,
with another.

~C

Monday, January 2

No and No

I can't
I can't , I can't
I mustn't mustn't
I shunt
I creep
I crawl
I plan my withdraw
It can't
It mustn't
I won't

~C