Monday, September 21

SIGNS

It is so awesome lately how God has sent me signs, like love postcards to let me know he loves me! I mean LITERALLY...recently I had an appointment where two very exceptional women anointed with The Holy Spirit prayed for me...at one point one of them said, "I keep getting this message from God for you, but I am not a good singer, God is wanting me to sing the song "You are so beautiful to me"to you. She sang it out all self conscious and I just thought how sweet a message that was.

About 2 days later I was in the car driving home and I usually keep it on 88.1, but for some reason I was scanning through a few other stations, and I came across 96.1 where Dililah was taking dedications....This guy was going on about his personal struggle with his wife that wanted to divorce him, and I got sucked in. By the time it came time for his song that he wanted to dedicate, I was pulled into the driveway ready to get out of the car, but still too curious to see what song he would pick....next thing I know "You are so beautiful to me..." belts out of the Stereo!! I got chills all over my arms! It was as if God just dedicated it to ME!

AND THEN>>>>yesterday my Auntie Rah~Rah commented on a poem I posted on FACEBOOK and in her caption it read :

"You are soooooooooo beautiful...to me....you are soooo beautiful...to me....Enough of singing...I love my niece with the BIG heart."

She lives in Tennessee and we don't get to talk to often, SHE COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN!
Is this amazing or what??! Isn't it awesome how God sends loving messages to us, and then even confirms them through random loved ones across the miles??! When I called my Aunt to tell her the significance of what she wrote, she said the song just came to her, she just stated singing it in her mind...and she wasn't even sure if I would know the song, but decided to write it out anyway!!!

God is so good! So awesome! I am so excited to be hearing His voice more clearly now and even hearing from him in so many different ways lately! I am so blessed to know your voice Lord!! Thank you for the Love Song you sent, it touched my heart, and confirming it in 2 ways was so touching because you showed me it was straight from you, that you meant it for me! SO COOL!

~C

Monday, September 14

Same story different eyes

Isn't it weird how two people can take something in....the exact same circumstance...and come out of it with something completely different? That is a little scary to me actually. It goes back to how there can be very few guarantees in my mind because of how diverse and ever changing we are, because there is such a huge range of how we take things in and process them.

Something that comforts me could be nails on a blackboard to you!

Something I perceive as a blessing, could be nothing to you. You look right past it.

How I love, and at the same time, am horrified at how diverse, and how separate we are!
It makes sense that we gravitate toward the people who agree with our view of the world. It makes sense that we would sneer and glance skeptically toward the people that choose such a different path than our own. It really causes us to live in our own little bubble of a world though, no matter what we are willing to admit to ourselves. We want to feel like we are insanely open-minded and can debate about anything, and maybe we can, but we will always be drawn back to what is comfortable to us, what does not rock our world's too much. We will always stick to what we really can grasp for ourselves in our own bubbles, where it is comfortable.

~C

Small leads to Big

Little choices
lead to big ones
it is easier to keep up with
if you start off small
consistency with the small choices
makes it second nature
a part of you
choices are powerful
they become you
they broadcast what you're about
where you are going
what you are doing
what you are ABOUT
to do
the small ones
make the big ones easier
because you created a pattern
that has a life of it's own once started
don't compromise yourself
by justifying the small choices
they become the big ones
in a snap
don't give in to what is easiest either
that isn't the sort of gratification
that lasts
any value born in you
blooms from habits formed by you
and habits are formed by small choices
and small leads to big
and then big back to small
until you know who you are
and so does everyone else
your consistency
even your inconsistency
tell them
big or small

~C

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me.

Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relationship that I need to change or let go of, that I need to move on from.
I think I bargain with myself too, as if there is some other divine way of mixing oil and water that I haven't discovered yet. But no matter how I try to make it work for me, I cannot.

I have come to connect this gut feeling to The Holy Spirit and have realized it is really his voice speaking from my gut, with my best interests at the heart of what he is asking me to let go of or move on from. Like someone that can see your future potential if you take the right path and wants to get you there, even if you cannot see that path for yourself, or the obvious signs that warn you that you are veering from that path. Like someone you really trust and respect but don't always want to hear from, because you know they will always urge you to do the right thing.... such is this relationship with the Holy Spirit. Oh and sometimes I willingly and selfishly avoid the right thing, for the thing that makes me feel better at the time. It is so hard sometimes to make the sacrifices that lead to that right thing. But I have learned the hard way that the gratification from the temporary thing I THINK is better cannot compare to the PEACE I get when I yield to what the Holy Spirit is asking me to embrace INSTEAD.

Sometimes I am going at it blind too, because I know that the Holy Spirit is leading me in a direction that is really foggy and I have no reference point, and I think "this can't be right!", I guess that is where the faith comes in. Following my gut though, LEADS me to faith, when I can acknowledge that I am in fact being LED. From experience I know that when I am unsettled there is a distinct reason why, and for the most part I am not in line with what His best is for me.

This is all kind of hocus-pocus I would think, to some, because it is just a "feeling". Just a knowing, a "feeling" I am sure of, without proof. I have just learned that if I follow The Holy Spirit's leading, I am much more at peace in my heart and in my soul. I am following a path through fog that is being set before me, one red leaf at a time....like when you are driving in a torrential down pour of rain and you can barely see the road....The Holy Spirit becomes that car just ahead of you with the flashers on....I just focus on those flashing red lights, and no matter how obscured my surroundings are, I know I will get through whatever storm life can throw at me, safely!

I also have discovered that the more I yield to these "gut feelings" ,with the continued faith that I am being safely guided, the farther I can see through the fog. It leaves me wanting more and more of that clarity, it encourages me more and more, to stay on that path in search of the plan God created for me.

~C

Human Touch

Touch.
It is what makes a Romantic relationship different from any other.
And I know we hug our friends and maybe even kiss them on the cheek....but we don't TOUCH them, touch them. I just think that if you lack the impulse to reach out and touch the one you're with, then there is something missing, or something has died. If you live day in and day out with someone and you pass each other in the kitchen without any eye contact, or even a half-hearted glance, and if you discuss things in a detached manner and there is no love in your voice, and if you don't even kiss goodnight anymore....aren't you just roommates then? If you don't rub someones back or hold their face in your hands, if you don't even feel the desire to do so, aren't you wondering where that went? When did it go missing? and why? When did touch become so insignificant?
And why when we first meet someone we are attracted to, after the first initial getting to know you part, at the part where you reach out for the other person, why is THAT time so intense, so charged with endless energy toward touching the other person?? Just because it is NEW? Then why does it have to become old?
I remember sitting in a beauty parlor once awaiting my turn. I was with my Father-in-law and I turned to him and said, "Ya know I can imagine some of these old ladies in here, just come to get their hair done for the human touch, just to have someone massage their scalp and pamper them. Especially if they lost their husbands a long time ago and they are alone, and lonely and no one touches them anymore." He didn't seem to share my theory, but I still think it true.

Massages too are like that. The restoring healing act of touching. I am in awe of stories I hear about babies in orphanages too, where if they are not touched enough from the time they are born then they will literally DIE. Why do we die in our own relationships? Why do we kill the touching? Why DO we stop touching each other?! Just the simple outstretched hand to hold, to me, is so powerful. It says "I am here, and I want to feel you, be connected to your presence." Maybe we are just lazy....we just get lazy and complacent, and the whole thing is "the chase", but once we SNARE the other person we stop trying to reach out and then we just get more and more complacent until we totally take their presence for granted. GAH!

To be aware is to be alive, my Mom loved to say. I want to always be aware of reaching out, of WANTING to reach out....and if it dies, I want to WANT to get it back, and if it is someone else that stops reaching I need to find out why, I need to be aware enough to notice the disconnection, and the distance that happens so slowly that it c r e e p s.
I will always be one of those people reaching out....it is just how I am.
Mostly because I value touching for all it offers, and I know it is important to me.

~C

Saturday, September 12

Avoid Her

You are so negative
like a festering sore
that creeps and deepens
and spreads out
and reddens...
You feed off of gossip
you revel in my pain
harvest the darkness
because of your own wounds

more comfy with complaints
more cozy with whining
resisting a good ending
happier with the crying
got something good and optimistic?
You'll see her back
as she's leaving...

~C

Shush

I talk too much
I over explain
indulge me
as I explain it again
in a different way
with analogies galore
I'll talk off your ear
as you walk out the door

~C

Itchy

I have talked about impatience before...
and now it is sort of a subtle restlessness where I crave a new way,
a new understanding of what I need and what I want
and what I want to feel like, want to know where I am going.
I feel like now that I have thrown off the rose colored glasses, my life will continue this way forever. Flying by the seat of my pants in all ways now, instead of just a few.

Life is so uncontrollable, so unpredictable, and we can only reign in so much of it, there is only so much we can keep in line. People are so vast. The depth of them so complicated and tangled. Their vulnerabilities, their hang-ups. Their yearnings are in check and categorized for the sake of others. I wish we were all raw for once, without the aid of alcohol or drugs especially. That we all could walk out in the sunshine in the nude in a way, exposed and confident in all our shortcomings and flaws. That we could all put everything we had out in the open, on the table, and say "There it is!", "There is all that I am!" I just think it would be so refreshing to know it all , and not wonder. To see it all and know we're all flawed, all vulnerable and weak, but have so much to offer each other too. I wish we all knew who we were dealing with, and if you were a crook, you were exposed for just that.

I think it is so funny how we think if we become Christian, we will have less strife in that. That we can trust other "Christians" and yet you still have to discern who is good and bad, because some Christians are even worse than crooks, or one in the same. I think having to discern for yourself the true nature of anyone, all the time, is exhausting and sad. I wish we all wore our hearts on our sleeves, at least to some extent. I think we should all have to wear t-shirts that exclaim the bulk of our virtues or the lack of them...."Hopeless romantic", or "player" or "unfinished business" or "struggling with my past" or "vulnerable and fragile" or "mean and angry" or "selfish and self-absorbed" or....you get the point. At least we could be up-front about it and not delude each other.

There are so many happy beginnings that dwindle as soon as things become more complicated too, as if the more you introduce challenge and diversity, the more you bring out the variety of reactions a person possesses....and then it is as if the honeymoon is diluted with this reality, with these budget constraints and these compromises and like a spoiled kid used to having things THEIR way....we revolt....and the love is diluted yet again, and again....until pure juice , is now water with a splash of juice....a complete shadow of where it began.

Maybe I am feeling cynical again. Feeling jaded by the way we are and the way we choose to be day in and day out. There is this Christian rock song where she talks about how we all put up such pretenses and try to appear like we are so put-together, to show the world that we have our crap together, and yet we are all unraveled in some way, all struggling along, and wounded. It is so true. I crave for that type of honesty, to see that coming through every person I come into contact with. It would be so ideal, so "face value" , and so much easier for us all to grow and really help each other. To really know what we were dealing with.

I know there is purpose in not knowing. I know we could never "get to know" someone if it was all spelled out for us in the beginning. I get it, in some ways....but I still think it would be so much easier to be honest. Cut out the BS from our lives. Society will keep striving to keep up the false pretenses that provide a jaded view of our true realities. People will keep hiding things about themselves they think others deem inappropriate or unacceptable. We will race toward plastic surgery and altering ourselves in ways that have not yet even been dreamed up to find more and more "acceptance".
Some days I just think I am venturing toward a place that allows me to live inside my own head.
A place where I am accepted and valued and where I feel important and beautiful. I have looked to find this place in another human being and have always been reminded in so many ways that it is only found in God.
So that is where I am stepping....closer.....onward, toward a place God designed for me to thrive in before I started designing it for myself and messing it up.
So I will keep on climbing, keep on discerning and looking out for the t-shirts, the slogans that appear across peoples chests as I get to know them, as if they were already printed but in invisible ink, and in getting to know them, I unlocked a secret....
It would just be so much easier if we we're honest in the first place....

~C

Great Things

God is doing great things
He is also doing those things in me
It is a knowing, without "knowing"
A certainty, of growing
an excitement that lives in expectation
of the next cool clue
that is shown to me
that is revealed
as I wait
on his best
the very best
he has for my life
that he has for me
as I wait
knowing
without "knowing"
Him.

~C

Rain

Like tears pouring from a loss so deep
a good long cry
that I needed
a washing anew of everything exposed
a collecting of sorrow in buckets
left out
the sound of it comforting
and constant
like anything with pattern I count on
like anything soft and subtle and subdued
for the time it takes in falling
enjoy it while you can
enjoy it more
because you never know
when it might end
rain rain don't go away
I want you now, not some other day
I need you here to sing to me
to whisper to me as I cry to sleep

~C

Tomorrow Is Another Day

Tomorrow
the day where we start again
the day we choose to bring the past with us
like suitcases in each hand
or leave it be
The new day that stands untouched, awaiting possibility
I laugh when you tell me it is the first day of the rest of my life
that was what yesterday was
and I screwed that up
so thank goodness I've got another chance, with each dawn that greets me
thank goodness for forgiveness
and time that makes it all hurt a little less
for the chance again to throw a rock
and make the right kind of ripples in this life
to make the right kind of choices
that add, and not the kind that take away
and to love and give the best I can
while I can
in the rest of the tomorrows
I am given.

~C

Wednesday, September 9

Repaired

An imprint
an impression
pressed in
pressing on my heart
restoring
a lost part
a part missing
replaced
put back
repaired
better now
better than before
stronger
made new
to withstand
anything
everything
a gift given
that lasts
that keeps on
that holds
that stays
even after
even later
it stands still
in time
this gift
a part of me
now
forever

~C

Goodbye Every Day

Goodbye in each day
to someone, to something
To how I once knew you
and then
a new you coming through you
born into a body I knew before
but who through you
reaches out for me now
or doesn't
in a different way
and I ponder who you've become
as I wonder
if it is that someone who still draws me in
or not
and I gamble with goodbye
hoping tomorrow will reveal
if I gambled well
or poorly
or maybe just confirmation
that it was in fact
time to go
to say goodbye
how could I know??
until I know

ah, there in lies the gamble...

~C

One Key

There is only one key
although there seems to be many
there is no point to having so many keys
when I only use the one
perhaps to distract or to create an illusion
as if my options are far more than one
but only one is scratched and worn
if you look close
there is only one
that is used
only one
that I know
and know well

~C

When You Were

Shadows linger where you once were
and you were
I didn't imagine it
you were
and so were we

~C