Monday, November 30

No Need To Defend

Why do I feel the need to defend myself so much?
Explain and elaborate and strain to be understood?
I know who I am
I know what I want
and I know what I stand for...
Why am I so afraid of being the bad guy?
Of being portrayed as an underachiever
or an overachiever
or a bitch?
keep my BOUNDARIES
and have the guts to tell someone to BACK OFF!
I'm getting there
still learning to remain quiet
while being confident
in who I am

~C

Deposit Withdrawls

There's an invisable key around my neck
that materalizes
when you walk back into my life
the key unlocks a lockbox
stored away in the bank of my heart
a place reserved with a love I have
for only you

and when you go
it feels like breaking
a withdrawing
that always takes time
and so I lock up the love
and put the box back
and I put the key back
and I am left
wondering....

~C

Wednesday, November 18

Bright Light Holidays

What is it about special occasions that bring everything into the bright light?
Like at my cousin's wedding when she dedicated that song ,
that I meant to dedicate to my Mom at my wedding,
and never did get to,
and now my Mom's in heaven...
and this dedicated song years later has me and my Brother, and his wife and my aunt and who ever else bawling...tears flying....
bright light illuminating her absence...

and here comes Thanksgiving...que the SPOT LIGHT
and it is the first BIG holiday for me to face after being divorced...
and I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and it just makes me miss my Mom.
Because I knew I belonged where ever she was.
So many sweet invitations from friends and family to go on my own to places and celebrate with them, and leave this holiday to Bri to be with the kids...
In reality we are going to have to start taking turns with the holidays right??
Otherwise it is unhealthy or strange to celebrate with his family as if nothing has changed??
Is it?
What if we are mature about it, is it better then?
Is it less weird then?
Ugh...I hate this...it's so unfair and weird and uncomfortable.
I wish I could wish it away.
I am just left feeling so emotional.
So displaced and detached from my old reality, the stark truth that I have no idea what my life is supposed to look like and that I don't have a definition as to where I am.

Dad, and Mom in heaven and step Mom and Step Dad and grama and grampas and grama and grampas in heaven, and step grama and step aunts and step brothers and sisters and a sister and brother and sister in laws and brother in laws and now what do you call the in-law family you knew as your own for 10 years but now are no longer??
Are they once removed or just removed?
(That was a joke...when things get too heavy you have to laugh so you don't cry.)

I guess the answer is that titles don't matter, labels don't define...
it all boils down to the LOVE that remains.
Some of my closest family members are my dearest friends.
Some of the most lovely people in my life can never dine with me again...
So I choose to just be THANKFUL for the huge diverse family that I have and I know deep down that all that matters is that we're joined by mutual love for each other and no titles are needed, no distinct understanding of the current situation is needed to warrant an invitation.
An invitation is there anyway, because there is love.
and everything is going to be OK
whatever "OK" looks like.
I don't pretend to know.
So bring on Christmas then....
I am ready to accept it for what it will be...
imperfectly.

~C

Be the change you want to see in the world

I love that saying.
I realize that my reality starts with me...it's all in how I take it all in, how I perceive the world. How I grow and change, what I put into my head and even what I choose to take out. Who I am to the people in my life...every interaction, a chance for God to work through me...
and I want to get it right!
I know it is a process, and I know I will stumble and fall endlessly
but it is in the striving to get it right, that I will get it right sometimes! It is our willingness to take it on, our determination to be what we say we want to be!
It is so obvious how we effect others, as if an experiment, I want you to start to notice how people react to you, listen to the feed back they give you in words or even with body language...
I am amazed at how the more I give of myself, so much more do I receive...
encouragement and praise and so much love.
Getting it back is so rewarding and addicting! I just want to give more to get more!
Like anything that grows, so has my spiritual life branched out and is now casting shade to filter the overbearing sun in some people's lives...
Oh to make just a small difference for GOOD in any ones life is so precious!
To comfort or hug someone on their bad day, or to pray life into their existence and encourage them on! To cheer for them and rejoice in their achievements,
or mourn with them over the saddest of losses and struggles. To hold their hand as they examine their wounds and help to dislodge old beliefs that have hurt them for so long!
To play even the smallest role in their story, where you gave them a leg up, a meaningful understanding look, or let them tell their story while they cried....
I am so blessed to be on the journey I am!
To realize the tenderness God gave me to be so effected by His love and the love he has to give the world through me. What a gift to KNOW it and FEEL it, what an honor to embrace it and RUN with it!
How significant this year has been...33 years into this life of mine!
How I look forward to growing with God, to go further and more deeply understand what he has planned for me!
It is so exciting to be finding that out!

~C

1:11

Hello God...I see you are checking in
that you have found a new way to remind me of your love!
That you are here to encourage me
and give me the strength I need to do anything and everything,
that you will show me which way to go if only I ask you!
When I happen to see the time 1:11 now,
I take a moment to reflect on what I mean to you
and then
to reflect on what you mean to me
and I am so thankful
and so grateful too, that you have found a new way to remind me
so often,
to check in just to say that you love me.
I love you too!

~C

Friday, October 16

Being too Comfortable?

(A letter I wrote to a friend, 03/05/2004)

I know the whole reason we are on this earth is to stretch these images of who we are. Like a big plastic girdle that jabs into our ribs and digs into our gut...and what you are saying is that I have adapted to the contraption. I don't shift it and pull at it like most people do right?
But what if I just think discomfort is overrated?
Either I am selling myself short by saying that, or I have shifted my focus to what I can live with right now. I know, I know, just another way of being complacent! Redundancy!
Ya know that song by Jewel that goes " Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive"?
Well that's not me, but some days I realize that I am sitting very close to that out of necessity.
It is partially because of this warped sense of reality brought on by losing my Mom.

Death is so final. Having my Mom in my life was like having an elaborate colorful cozy rug, fluffy and soft beneath my feet. Her death was like having it ripped out from under me and the contrast of the hard cold gray concrete floor under my feet afterwards was so much to take at once.
And so now the flowers find their way into the cracks of the concrete and most days I can get out the colored chalk and design it with art. But man do those rainy days still come and wash it gray again. But the rain waters the flowers growing in the cracks too, so they can stay. Does that make sense? Are you still following the analogy?
Sometimes you have to process the pain...what's that saying about only rain can bring the rainbows?

Like you, I believe life has purpose. What I've lived through, what I still have to live though, has a purpose greater than me living through it.
So maybe part of me is resting for now. I think that is o.k. as long as I don't fall asleep and delude you into thinking I was just resting my eyes.

There is a song by Whitney Houston that goes...

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
and I will always love you
my darling you

Bitter sweet memories
that is all I am taking with me
so goodbye, please don't cry
we both know I'm not what you need

I hope life treats you kind
and I hope you have all you've dreamed of
and I am wishing you joy and happiness
and above all this I am wishing you LOVE

The song is a techno version of the original with this kicking beat so when I listen to it, it is sad and freeing all at the same time. It both tears at my heart and pushes me forward. I think my Mom created this life so secure and optimistic and full of laughter and support, that if I continued to exist with it surrounding me I couldn't have grown like I am supposed to. Hence the line "We both know I'm not what you need". It was definitely what I WANTED to always continue wanting, but needs and wants are so different.
What you want is not necessarily what you need, but it is so wonderful if they can coincide. God has a plan for me and it may include heartache, but if he is my Dad and he loves me more than anything, why could I not trust that he had all my best interests in mind?

Faith. Hope. Love. The more life leads me on, the more I have to trust in a greater picture, a wide screen version that encompasses more meaning surrounding me. A selfish tunnel vision life makes no sense at all. Human connections and what we bring to each others lives is amazing.
I can see in the moment your eyes tear up, with the thought of even losing your own Mom, that the connection you have with her must be as great as the one I had with my Mom. I saw it too in the way you spoke of your friends, how you honor each of their life experiences and how far they have come, what they have chosen to create with their lives. Life is what you make it sure, but some days for me it lives in the meaning behind just one connection, whether it is making someone laugh out loud or saying something just right to make a Best Friend feel understood and that she is not alone in this world.

I will not be complacent ever. I try to honor the time and energy my Mom gave as a single Mom to her 3 kids. She gave so much of herself and we keep on keeping it alive in us. That is what I try to do. I hope I have you convinced.
Maybe it is that I am not too comfortable, but just under construction, or Beth's term, In the recovery room....for now.

~C

Cheesy and True

Jesus drives a taxi
I've seen Him
It's true

He'll pick you up
when you need a ride
you can hail him
he'll come through

he'll get you there fastest
he knows the city
like he knows you

he's just happy to drive you
if your willing to ride
just hop in
& enjoy the view!

~C

Swing

Swing High
into the sky
back again
feet brush the sand

~C

(p.s I wrote this in '93 I think...
my Mom kept it on her desk,
she loved it)

red red bird

Green green grass
against a gray gray sky
reflected into
your blue blue eyes
with a red red bird
in a white birch tree
with so much love
in a pink pink me

~C

Not as I say, Not as I do

Not as I planned
but what is?
Not what I want
but better yet
Not what I dreamed
but it'll do

Not as I say
Not as I do

Not what counts
but what matters
Not what kills
but renews
Not what's expected
but is best

Not as I say
Not as I do

Not what feels good
but what fills you
Not what robs
but restores
Not what hurts
but is sweet to my ears

Not as I say
Not as I do

It isn't about me
Lord,
it's about YOU.

~C

2:22

you are in a symphony of violins
in a flash memory of you hysterically laughing
head thrown back
neck all red
YOU WERE SO GOOD
you still are so easy to miss
peppermints
and stimudents
and tootsie roll pops in your purse
glasses to read
and Earl Gray Tea...
but mostly,
long hugs that communicated volumes
and glances that let me know you knew me like no one else
and an unconditional love that healed me again and again

nine years too long without you
bitter sweet happenings with your obvious absence
weddings without your happy tears
and grand babies born without your adoring kisses and hugs
friendship without your laughter
concerts and plays without your appreciation
sunsets without you to paint them
and gardens without you to water them
family gatherings without you to plan them
you are missing
yet you are here still
and you remind me

~C

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie

Her name is everywhere
as if Satan is trying to taunt me with it, get the better of me...
get me to crack
so nice try
and pretty diverse a selection of Maggie's everywhere...I'll give you that...
Street signs,
and cartoon characters,
Ice cream shops with the word "Moo's" attached,
Junk emails from someone with the same first name,
I hear people say the name in public
I hear it in movies
it is chanting from the baseboards...no not really...you'd be worried about me then aye?

but you know the beauty of all this?
It is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.
I should be cringing and ripping my hair out at the mention of that particular name
but instead it is almost humorous
(and P.S. I wonder if she hears "Christie" everywhere...)

It is so very awesome how God can take a huge gaping wound and bind it up and heal it with his light. He is so good to take me to such a deep place of forgiveness that I am able to conquer with Him, any attack, any reminder of the pain that caused such a wound.

So yeah I admit there is a scar there, it is shiny, and stands out...and yet it blends in too because...
God takes us through this life by our hand, and he knows it will hurt from experience, but he pours out His compassion and understanding...He walks slower when we resist, and he stoops to help us up when we stumble, and he is encouraging us the entire time...with His presence, with His word, with His completely faithful Love.
He is so patient with us but at the same time so persistent if he knows our lives need change, if he knows we need to change directions. All we have to do is listen, to respond, to trust Him.

I am in awe of what He has done in me. I am forever grateful to Him, for His promises that He keeps. For the work He is doing in my heart....transforming my mind more and more. It is such a pruning process, of cutting back and of growing pains and waiting for fruit to show. I get it now God, and the more I listen the more I hear, and the more I search, the more I find....

So I am not intimidated by her name. Hearing it before would wound me, weaken and disable something inside of me....but now....it strengthens me because I recognize that when I do hear it that I don't weaken, I no longer am wounded or disabled like I was.
I am strong in my weakness now.
In the way you do not realize what you have until it is gone, I now realize how strong I am when faced with the same things that made me so weak, so vulnerable and hurt before.

I don't know that her name will not ever awaken a part of me to certain memories, I am sure it may do so for my lifetime long. But I am not worried about it because God helped me gain an outside perspective, He took the stinger out of my memories....so that now it is a name I recognize as significant to my past, but one that will not taint my future.

~C

Tuesday, October 13

Illusion of Memories

Thinking of how things were
of distinct circumstances
isolated in their goodness
focused on the way I felt then
remembering it very selectively
protectively
and I can revisit
again and again
and reclaim that fulfillment
the brightness of that moment
frozen for all time
in my heart

~C

Too much of me

There is a song on the radio that sings
less of me, more of you God.
The more I focus on what is going on inside my own head, the more lost I feel
like I got turned around in the woods and there is no way to tell the way out,
distracted....disoriented....and then panic sets in, engrossed in my own problems.
If I check in , from an outside perspective and realize that I am stuck,
then I can pray about it.
and then I can ask God to carry my burden, I can lay it down.
But it takes the acknowledgement that I am in a funk
a spiritual awareness that I am off track
and then I am simply back on again
Thanks to God.

~C

Over-analyzer

Can a person think too much?
I cannot help it.
I tend to over do it I guess.
I sort ideas and examine situations and go over them with a fine toothed comb.
I don't make myself nuts doing this, rather it gives me a sense of completeness I think....like I have thought it through....thought of every possible angle.
I am pretty laid back, so all this thinking hasn't made me neurotic or anything.
I want to think that God designed me this way, not to annoy people and waste time, but for some greater purpose, I just need to figure that out.
How to fine tune or harness my approach to my life, and in the meantime I will just work it out with writing, mull it over on paper...

~C

Monday, September 21

SIGNS

It is so awesome lately how God has sent me signs, like love postcards to let me know he loves me! I mean LITERALLY...recently I had an appointment where two very exceptional women anointed with The Holy Spirit prayed for me...at one point one of them said, "I keep getting this message from God for you, but I am not a good singer, God is wanting me to sing the song "You are so beautiful to me"to you. She sang it out all self conscious and I just thought how sweet a message that was.

About 2 days later I was in the car driving home and I usually keep it on 88.1, but for some reason I was scanning through a few other stations, and I came across 96.1 where Dililah was taking dedications....This guy was going on about his personal struggle with his wife that wanted to divorce him, and I got sucked in. By the time it came time for his song that he wanted to dedicate, I was pulled into the driveway ready to get out of the car, but still too curious to see what song he would pick....next thing I know "You are so beautiful to me..." belts out of the Stereo!! I got chills all over my arms! It was as if God just dedicated it to ME!

AND THEN>>>>yesterday my Auntie Rah~Rah commented on a poem I posted on FACEBOOK and in her caption it read :

"You are soooooooooo beautiful...to me....you are soooo beautiful...to me....Enough of singing...I love my niece with the BIG heart."

She lives in Tennessee and we don't get to talk to often, SHE COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN!
Is this amazing or what??! Isn't it awesome how God sends loving messages to us, and then even confirms them through random loved ones across the miles??! When I called my Aunt to tell her the significance of what she wrote, she said the song just came to her, she just stated singing it in her mind...and she wasn't even sure if I would know the song, but decided to write it out anyway!!!

God is so good! So awesome! I am so excited to be hearing His voice more clearly now and even hearing from him in so many different ways lately! I am so blessed to know your voice Lord!! Thank you for the Love Song you sent, it touched my heart, and confirming it in 2 ways was so touching because you showed me it was straight from you, that you meant it for me! SO COOL!

~C

Monday, September 14

Same story different eyes

Isn't it weird how two people can take something in....the exact same circumstance...and come out of it with something completely different? That is a little scary to me actually. It goes back to how there can be very few guarantees in my mind because of how diverse and ever changing we are, because there is such a huge range of how we take things in and process them.

Something that comforts me could be nails on a blackboard to you!

Something I perceive as a blessing, could be nothing to you. You look right past it.

How I love, and at the same time, am horrified at how diverse, and how separate we are!
It makes sense that we gravitate toward the people who agree with our view of the world. It makes sense that we would sneer and glance skeptically toward the people that choose such a different path than our own. It really causes us to live in our own little bubble of a world though, no matter what we are willing to admit to ourselves. We want to feel like we are insanely open-minded and can debate about anything, and maybe we can, but we will always be drawn back to what is comfortable to us, what does not rock our world's too much. We will always stick to what we really can grasp for ourselves in our own bubbles, where it is comfortable.

~C

Small leads to Big

Little choices
lead to big ones
it is easier to keep up with
if you start off small
consistency with the small choices
makes it second nature
a part of you
choices are powerful
they become you
they broadcast what you're about
where you are going
what you are doing
what you are ABOUT
to do
the small ones
make the big ones easier
because you created a pattern
that has a life of it's own once started
don't compromise yourself
by justifying the small choices
they become the big ones
in a snap
don't give in to what is easiest either
that isn't the sort of gratification
that lasts
any value born in you
blooms from habits formed by you
and habits are formed by small choices
and small leads to big
and then big back to small
until you know who you are
and so does everyone else
your consistency
even your inconsistency
tell them
big or small

~C

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me.

Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relationship that I need to change or let go of, that I need to move on from.
I think I bargain with myself too, as if there is some other divine way of mixing oil and water that I haven't discovered yet. But no matter how I try to make it work for me, I cannot.

I have come to connect this gut feeling to The Holy Spirit and have realized it is really his voice speaking from my gut, with my best interests at the heart of what he is asking me to let go of or move on from. Like someone that can see your future potential if you take the right path and wants to get you there, even if you cannot see that path for yourself, or the obvious signs that warn you that you are veering from that path. Like someone you really trust and respect but don't always want to hear from, because you know they will always urge you to do the right thing.... such is this relationship with the Holy Spirit. Oh and sometimes I willingly and selfishly avoid the right thing, for the thing that makes me feel better at the time. It is so hard sometimes to make the sacrifices that lead to that right thing. But I have learned the hard way that the gratification from the temporary thing I THINK is better cannot compare to the PEACE I get when I yield to what the Holy Spirit is asking me to embrace INSTEAD.

Sometimes I am going at it blind too, because I know that the Holy Spirit is leading me in a direction that is really foggy and I have no reference point, and I think "this can't be right!", I guess that is where the faith comes in. Following my gut though, LEADS me to faith, when I can acknowledge that I am in fact being LED. From experience I know that when I am unsettled there is a distinct reason why, and for the most part I am not in line with what His best is for me.

This is all kind of hocus-pocus I would think, to some, because it is just a "feeling". Just a knowing, a "feeling" I am sure of, without proof. I have just learned that if I follow The Holy Spirit's leading, I am much more at peace in my heart and in my soul. I am following a path through fog that is being set before me, one red leaf at a time....like when you are driving in a torrential down pour of rain and you can barely see the road....The Holy Spirit becomes that car just ahead of you with the flashers on....I just focus on those flashing red lights, and no matter how obscured my surroundings are, I know I will get through whatever storm life can throw at me, safely!

I also have discovered that the more I yield to these "gut feelings" ,with the continued faith that I am being safely guided, the farther I can see through the fog. It leaves me wanting more and more of that clarity, it encourages me more and more, to stay on that path in search of the plan God created for me.

~C

Human Touch

Touch.
It is what makes a Romantic relationship different from any other.
And I know we hug our friends and maybe even kiss them on the cheek....but we don't TOUCH them, touch them. I just think that if you lack the impulse to reach out and touch the one you're with, then there is something missing, or something has died. If you live day in and day out with someone and you pass each other in the kitchen without any eye contact, or even a half-hearted glance, and if you discuss things in a detached manner and there is no love in your voice, and if you don't even kiss goodnight anymore....aren't you just roommates then? If you don't rub someones back or hold their face in your hands, if you don't even feel the desire to do so, aren't you wondering where that went? When did it go missing? and why? When did touch become so insignificant?
And why when we first meet someone we are attracted to, after the first initial getting to know you part, at the part where you reach out for the other person, why is THAT time so intense, so charged with endless energy toward touching the other person?? Just because it is NEW? Then why does it have to become old?
I remember sitting in a beauty parlor once awaiting my turn. I was with my Father-in-law and I turned to him and said, "Ya know I can imagine some of these old ladies in here, just come to get their hair done for the human touch, just to have someone massage their scalp and pamper them. Especially if they lost their husbands a long time ago and they are alone, and lonely and no one touches them anymore." He didn't seem to share my theory, but I still think it true.

Massages too are like that. The restoring healing act of touching. I am in awe of stories I hear about babies in orphanages too, where if they are not touched enough from the time they are born then they will literally DIE. Why do we die in our own relationships? Why do we kill the touching? Why DO we stop touching each other?! Just the simple outstretched hand to hold, to me, is so powerful. It says "I am here, and I want to feel you, be connected to your presence." Maybe we are just lazy....we just get lazy and complacent, and the whole thing is "the chase", but once we SNARE the other person we stop trying to reach out and then we just get more and more complacent until we totally take their presence for granted. GAH!

To be aware is to be alive, my Mom loved to say. I want to always be aware of reaching out, of WANTING to reach out....and if it dies, I want to WANT to get it back, and if it is someone else that stops reaching I need to find out why, I need to be aware enough to notice the disconnection, and the distance that happens so slowly that it c r e e p s.
I will always be one of those people reaching out....it is just how I am.
Mostly because I value touching for all it offers, and I know it is important to me.

~C

Saturday, September 12

Avoid Her

You are so negative
like a festering sore
that creeps and deepens
and spreads out
and reddens...
You feed off of gossip
you revel in my pain
harvest the darkness
because of your own wounds

more comfy with complaints
more cozy with whining
resisting a good ending
happier with the crying
got something good and optimistic?
You'll see her back
as she's leaving...

~C

Shush

I talk too much
I over explain
indulge me
as I explain it again
in a different way
with analogies galore
I'll talk off your ear
as you walk out the door

~C

Itchy

I have talked about impatience before...
and now it is sort of a subtle restlessness where I crave a new way,
a new understanding of what I need and what I want
and what I want to feel like, want to know where I am going.
I feel like now that I have thrown off the rose colored glasses, my life will continue this way forever. Flying by the seat of my pants in all ways now, instead of just a few.

Life is so uncontrollable, so unpredictable, and we can only reign in so much of it, there is only so much we can keep in line. People are so vast. The depth of them so complicated and tangled. Their vulnerabilities, their hang-ups. Their yearnings are in check and categorized for the sake of others. I wish we were all raw for once, without the aid of alcohol or drugs especially. That we all could walk out in the sunshine in the nude in a way, exposed and confident in all our shortcomings and flaws. That we could all put everything we had out in the open, on the table, and say "There it is!", "There is all that I am!" I just think it would be so refreshing to know it all , and not wonder. To see it all and know we're all flawed, all vulnerable and weak, but have so much to offer each other too. I wish we all knew who we were dealing with, and if you were a crook, you were exposed for just that.

I think it is so funny how we think if we become Christian, we will have less strife in that. That we can trust other "Christians" and yet you still have to discern who is good and bad, because some Christians are even worse than crooks, or one in the same. I think having to discern for yourself the true nature of anyone, all the time, is exhausting and sad. I wish we all wore our hearts on our sleeves, at least to some extent. I think we should all have to wear t-shirts that exclaim the bulk of our virtues or the lack of them...."Hopeless romantic", or "player" or "unfinished business" or "struggling with my past" or "vulnerable and fragile" or "mean and angry" or "selfish and self-absorbed" or....you get the point. At least we could be up-front about it and not delude each other.

There are so many happy beginnings that dwindle as soon as things become more complicated too, as if the more you introduce challenge and diversity, the more you bring out the variety of reactions a person possesses....and then it is as if the honeymoon is diluted with this reality, with these budget constraints and these compromises and like a spoiled kid used to having things THEIR way....we revolt....and the love is diluted yet again, and again....until pure juice , is now water with a splash of juice....a complete shadow of where it began.

Maybe I am feeling cynical again. Feeling jaded by the way we are and the way we choose to be day in and day out. There is this Christian rock song where she talks about how we all put up such pretenses and try to appear like we are so put-together, to show the world that we have our crap together, and yet we are all unraveled in some way, all struggling along, and wounded. It is so true. I crave for that type of honesty, to see that coming through every person I come into contact with. It would be so ideal, so "face value" , and so much easier for us all to grow and really help each other. To really know what we were dealing with.

I know there is purpose in not knowing. I know we could never "get to know" someone if it was all spelled out for us in the beginning. I get it, in some ways....but I still think it would be so much easier to be honest. Cut out the BS from our lives. Society will keep striving to keep up the false pretenses that provide a jaded view of our true realities. People will keep hiding things about themselves they think others deem inappropriate or unacceptable. We will race toward plastic surgery and altering ourselves in ways that have not yet even been dreamed up to find more and more "acceptance".
Some days I just think I am venturing toward a place that allows me to live inside my own head.
A place where I am accepted and valued and where I feel important and beautiful. I have looked to find this place in another human being and have always been reminded in so many ways that it is only found in God.
So that is where I am stepping....closer.....onward, toward a place God designed for me to thrive in before I started designing it for myself and messing it up.
So I will keep on climbing, keep on discerning and looking out for the t-shirts, the slogans that appear across peoples chests as I get to know them, as if they were already printed but in invisible ink, and in getting to know them, I unlocked a secret....
It would just be so much easier if we we're honest in the first place....

~C

Great Things

God is doing great things
He is also doing those things in me
It is a knowing, without "knowing"
A certainty, of growing
an excitement that lives in expectation
of the next cool clue
that is shown to me
that is revealed
as I wait
on his best
the very best
he has for my life
that he has for me
as I wait
knowing
without "knowing"
Him.

~C

Rain

Like tears pouring from a loss so deep
a good long cry
that I needed
a washing anew of everything exposed
a collecting of sorrow in buckets
left out
the sound of it comforting
and constant
like anything with pattern I count on
like anything soft and subtle and subdued
for the time it takes in falling
enjoy it while you can
enjoy it more
because you never know
when it might end
rain rain don't go away
I want you now, not some other day
I need you here to sing to me
to whisper to me as I cry to sleep

~C

Tomorrow Is Another Day

Tomorrow
the day where we start again
the day we choose to bring the past with us
like suitcases in each hand
or leave it be
The new day that stands untouched, awaiting possibility
I laugh when you tell me it is the first day of the rest of my life
that was what yesterday was
and I screwed that up
so thank goodness I've got another chance, with each dawn that greets me
thank goodness for forgiveness
and time that makes it all hurt a little less
for the chance again to throw a rock
and make the right kind of ripples in this life
to make the right kind of choices
that add, and not the kind that take away
and to love and give the best I can
while I can
in the rest of the tomorrows
I am given.

~C

Wednesday, September 9

Repaired

An imprint
an impression
pressed in
pressing on my heart
restoring
a lost part
a part missing
replaced
put back
repaired
better now
better than before
stronger
made new
to withstand
anything
everything
a gift given
that lasts
that keeps on
that holds
that stays
even after
even later
it stands still
in time
this gift
a part of me
now
forever

~C

Goodbye Every Day

Goodbye in each day
to someone, to something
To how I once knew you
and then
a new you coming through you
born into a body I knew before
but who through you
reaches out for me now
or doesn't
in a different way
and I ponder who you've become
as I wonder
if it is that someone who still draws me in
or not
and I gamble with goodbye
hoping tomorrow will reveal
if I gambled well
or poorly
or maybe just confirmation
that it was in fact
time to go
to say goodbye
how could I know??
until I know

ah, there in lies the gamble...

~C

One Key

There is only one key
although there seems to be many
there is no point to having so many keys
when I only use the one
perhaps to distract or to create an illusion
as if my options are far more than one
but only one is scratched and worn
if you look close
there is only one
that is used
only one
that I know
and know well

~C

When You Were

Shadows linger where you once were
and you were
I didn't imagine it
you were
and so were we

~C

Friday, August 28

Ever The Transitional Life

Selling a house is exhausting. You go into hyper-upkeep-mode and have to keep it immaculately maintained most of the time. Making your house look like a show house when you have a 4 and 2 year old is a bit insane. Especially when your boy has hit the messy stage, where pure entertainment comes from dumping out every container he can find, no matter what it is filled with! I am so over it all after going on 3 years on the market. I just want to live in my own home and feel that it is mine for once.

This is the third house we renovated, and we got to live in each house about 3 years, a lot of that time being that each home was in transition over that time, maybe going from the 70's retro style to modern day. The point being that you don't totally enjoy the finished product very much, because when you get to that point then it is time to sell AND even if it doesn't sell right away, you carry on in this mode like it isn't really yours to keep anyway, so there is this detached feeling about your "home". Since real estate is such a Sukey investment these days anyway I plan on embracing my next house as my own. Not too big, lots of gorgeous light flooding it, and cozy. I want to add a lot of woodwork and trim and bead board and make it a place that we can call home for once with the up-front intent of staying there.

Maybe it is what I have been through, but I am not a fan of being in transition right now, or "moving on" and "starting again" , all of it has too much similarity to what I have experienced in my personal life. I want a situation I can count on, even just a little bit. I don't want to always feel like my life is swirling about me with uncertainty. I KNOW that that IS life, but I don't want it always to FEEL like that. Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that there is a point that you reach where you are untouched by any sort of tragedy. I have learned that this just cannot be, and that is exactly why I pray. We would never grow without challenges and pains in our life, so I get it, but it is nice to slow it down and pace myself when I can.

Life is so much about change and starting again, and doing it over and better. It is so much like the seasons of life....we change that much, that often, and maybe more. I am trying to find peace with that, expecting the best while I expect that some of it will be challenging and hard too. I feel better prepared the more I embrace the reality of this life and all the ups and Downs that I know comes with it. I am ready and I am willing for the next chapter...I just pray that I can stand in the sunshine for awhile and feel the warmth on my face before the next rain comes.

Thursday, August 27

Messes

Dried Rice Krispies
are cemented to the floor with dried milk
and
Nails and screws are strewn about
because you figured out you can open doors
and
Ooooh the utencil drawer
a spatula could be a sword if I pretend
and
there is glitter embedded into the carpet
because you can now open containers too
and
could you hand me the jar of marbles Mom
Cuz I just want to dump it out

Oh the thrill of dumping a jar of ANYTHING!

No I don't want to clean any of it up
Ahhhh Mannnn
A time out?
boo hoo

(You are such work little one
but how I love you.)

~C

Forever Altered

you moved the furniture
and I am blind
I memorized the original arrangement
it is how I knew how to get around
(in the dark)
and now I am bashing my knees
and bruising
learning this new way around
and through
and past obstacles
in my new reality
forever altered
by the changes you made
without me


~C

Affair

so you're walking and you're walking....
and OH! you meet her and well (you are semi grown up now)
and this is different than a fling
it just FEELS different
it could be the start of something
and then it is
and it becomes serious
I can picture myself with this girl
How many kids do you want?
and then before you know it
a proposal
Ahhh she said yes! YES!
and then my first house
and then kids....
is it stuffy in here? Is that all?
Ooooh she's hot!
Who is she?
You mean I could have waited and been with her?
Was I just biding my time with this other life,
until I found my REAL one?
Moving on....
"up"
OUT
see ya.

~C

See-through

To be SEEN is glorious
acknowledged
validated
adored

but when he looks through me
or past me
with indifference
as if I do not exist

it burns
and part of me tries not to notice
and another part
withers

~C

Wednesday, August 26

Dreamy

My pillows smell like you
and I am the only one who knows that
no one else could tell
and there is something so private about that
so intimate
and it reminds me of you
makes it seem like you are right there
next to me
again
in the dark

~C

Sunday, August 23

Dating A Family

When I was in first grade my Mom and Dad separated. We lived in the Bahamas at the time and my Dad was going to be stationed in Hawaii the next year, and me, my brother and my sister would move to Long Island with my Mom and her new Boyfriend Jeff. We lived with Jeff for 6 years I think...my selective memory doesn't allow for specifics, but it was at least that. Jeff became a part of my life, a father figure. I came to expect his presence and know it, and although there was an obvious gap there, because he could never fully love me as his own, He was present, loving, and involved, unlike my own father. Because of this I grew to Love him...count on him too I think.

But then they split. After that my Mom dated many a man for a time, my selective mind only flashes with memories of some of them, maybe 5 different guys, but those 5 make an impression because, like with Jeff, I came to love them, expect them to stay, or just wanted them to. My Mom was dating them, but in some ways they were dating us all. We fell in love with their role as a father figure that we were craving and needing, they filled a void, they spoke to our need. So with each break-up, we too had to let go of the idea of them staying, of being part of our close little family. We ebbed and flowed with the changes, with the comings and goings of these men, but it tore at our hearts and created a pattern of loving and leaving. I think some part of me learned not to count on forever concerning anything, and yet I took that part of me duck taped it's mouth and threw it deep down in me, somewhere where it couldn't share it's opinion or remind me that happily ever after rarely if ever does happen. I chose to move past it. I still chose to believe in "happily ever after"and the possibility that it could exist.

So I find myself a single Mom now. Just like my own Mom, and I face this expanse of an unknown dating reality before me. The last time I dated I was 16, and here I am 33, having to get back out there. It is strange but because I stopped dating at 16 it feels like that is where I am picking up from again, so if a 45 old man hits on me I balk that he could be my father! But not so! He is a mere 12 years my senior (still too old!) and it is not too obscene I guess, but still bizarre from a 16 year old perspective! Even more complicated is that I have 2 children to think of. I stand to put them through the same revolving door dating situation my own Mom had, and I sadden at the thought of it. So what do you do? How do you keep your love life separate without feeling torn? How long do you wait until he meets your kids? What if he's awesome with you for 6 months and you feel it is a committed relationship, so you introduce him to your kids and then discover they don't mesh at all? How soon is too soon? How long is too long?

It is so fragile in a way because he is not just dating you, he is dating all of you, he is dating a family. I give a lot of credit to guys even willing to enter in to such a family as there are so many men that are up front and admit they are totally uninterested in a "woman with kids" scenario. Understandably, it is more complicated and dynamic, it takes much more flexibility and selflessness, patience, commitment and time. The man who is up for it is quite exceptional in my book. But even then, after entering in, there is such risk in not only your attachment but with your kids attachment. You set the stage and you introduce the characters at this point, you say when they enter stage left, and you say when there is a curtain call. Your choices become choices for many. HOW HEAVY! HOW IMPORTANT TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES! and this is why we are parents....adults. We better act like it and tread carefully, use calculatingly slow moves as we glide towards new love.

He's not just dating me after all, he's choosing to date a family.

~C

Wednesday, August 19

Relationship

I am so fascinated lately with human relationship. It is so strange how fragile relationships can be and how the love seems to fade out with time. The love fades and then people just move on. How can we ever make any sort of guarantee to one another? The possibilities are endless and they swirl about us. There are temptations galore and beyond that we are constantly growing and changing. There was never any promise that we would change together, at the same pace. Life is hard, but sharing our lives with another so intricately complicated person is even harder!

Why are we so passionate and loving in the beginning and then it fades to indifference? Why do we get to the point where we don't even speak to each other with love? It is like the more we know about each other we use against each other....we can hurt more deeply and hit below the belt with such accuracy because we KNOW all the weak points, all the vulnerabilities. Why wouldn't that make us love and support each other more? Why wouldn't it encourage us to use more care and understanding? What are we so MAD about? Why is it so easy to throw in the towel and start again with someone new? No wonder there is such a learned casualty with moving on. More and more people you date and love and marry, because you create this disposable pattern. It becomes easier to move past it, re-create it (so you think).

Why do we kiss and touch and gaze at each other in the beginning, and then find ourselves years later squirming if we look too long, feeling put out if someone wants to kiss, and not needing to touch each other anymore? What happens, and WHY? What is lost? and at what POINT in the journey?? What goes missing? What festers and kills? What taints and bruises us?

It is so SO sad to me.

There are so many people I've talked to lately that are struggling. That are divorced or getting divorced or are so close to it. Some have weaved it in there and it lives with them, this silent option, there waiting. Or maybe it is never to be an option for some, so they divorce in other ways....with not touching, and not kissing, with cutting each other out of their lives in countless ways creating a slow death or indifference and living parallel to one another. Aware, but utterly unengaged of each other. Comfortable with the dysfunction, with knowing what to expect, even if it is creating a void in their hearts, even when it steals their potential and creative will to give and receive LOVE.

Are we just fickle? Is it just what it is? The endless scenarios that lead to separation and heartache...that with time we hope, fades. But for some it is a haunting reminder of their every day, tormenting and needling them with their past....unfinished business left trailing behind them like a worn unraveling sweater, into their "new" life.

There are so many factors swirling about, so many things that challenge and test....and it comes down to choices. Ones you can live with may effect the other person in a way that they cannot deal....we effect each other that way....ripples pushing out....

so I continue to wonder at the mystery, weep for the loss and hurt caused, and then feel indifferent as I realize it happens so commonly. Indifferent, but then incredibly grateful that I have control over the few choices I have to make, that I can choose to add life and keep on kissing, keep on reaching out to touch the one I am with. In each day, I can choose to Love.

~C

Wednesday, July 29

To Answer A Question

Question: Do I see each day as a day older, or as a new beginning?

Neither. I have always marveled at the saying..live each day as if it was your last..How could you possibly do that without feeling too much drama and pressure in that saying? I understand the concept, don't get me wrong...I just think we THINK we know what we'd do if faced with death and it is not necessarily what we think it is....we don't live it in the way that saying portrays....or at least my Mom didn't (couldn't). Everything is about circumstances, how they affect us and what attitude we choose to bring to those circumstances. I'll be honest and say that at the core of me I am optimistic and hopeful, but over that there is a layer that wavers. A layer I have to convince and keep connected to God, I guess it is the human layer. I know what I believe to be true in my spirit because God has made that a very real reality, but the human part of me struggles to keep the windshield clean. I am not freaking out about this constant cleaning process, because I know it is totally natural, but sometimes I get weary in the washing.

The point of rambling on like this is to communicate where I am coming from as I consider the question.....

To see each day as one day older, I would be focusing on loss, and to see each day as a new beginning seems too dramatic, like I am being born again each day or bursting with adventure for each new day. That would be great and all, but I think it is unrealistic and I rather not live jaded thinking I will always be up, always be entertained....the balance of the two is what can make every day significant. The bad just makes the good that much better, it enables us to value and appreciate what we DO have, what we ARE capable of, and recognize clearly how God INTENDED for us to be. So I would say I see each day as a chance to evolve and grow, to make a difference, to temper myself more, to be more giving, to be more patient with myself, others and life, to not lament on those things that hold me back or worry about anything because I know God has it covered. Each day is another day. ha ha...WHAT that day holds is up to YOU, that is what makes it so powerful....I have just come to realize that some days I am going to struggle through and others I will feel exhilarated and like I am fully LIVING, I am honest and open enough now to realize there will be both, and I am accepting of that. I fight back cynicism these days and I fight for the truth God reveals to me. I take one day at a time, as God meant for me to, and I look for the beauty there, and try to seek the meaning behind the parts of the day that trip me up. If I bring those to God and have him show me what they mean, where I am struggling and I listen for his answer....and then I take that answer and actively apply it to my spirit....how could tomorrow not be even better in some small way?

The most powerful feeling I feel toward this question is a surrender and a resignation at the same time. Kind of what a SIGH conveys...both a good and a bad sigh. If it was a scene in nature, it would be the full process of the changing of leaves in Montana, from green to vibrant Yellows, Oranges and Reds, to them raining down and creating an awesome carpet of color....to nakedness and void of color. If it were a scene it would be a sunrise...the way the dawn is as fascinating as the sunset, but in completely different ways, and how the height of the afternoon offers clear possibilities and exposes everything to sunlight, and how late afternoon creates shade to rest in...If this feeling were a song it would be (Nichole Nordeman) - Every Season.

Sometimes I laugh at myself because there is no simple answer that comes to my mind...In the way you are always seeking information and new fact and discoveries, is the way I view my mind and contemplate things. Like turning something over and over and studying it in my mind until I derive at a conclusion I can live with, hopefully one that is the most correct! :)

I could fight how I am, and try to simplify everything and how I process it, but then I wouldn't be being ME, being how God intricately designed me...so I feel understanding of what I wrote...I feel like I conveyed how I feel precisely.

~C

Friday, July 17

Use it

What a waste, if you don't use it....

Say you are THE best kisser in the entire world, but you devote NO time to kissing ANYONE....
Or a painter who doesn't paint, A writer who doesn't write...you get my point.

Life is so short, and not just life, but this particular chapter, with these particular characters, even this PAGE is interesting in the now in it's own special glory!

So kiss away already! kiss until your lips fall off...because Love is fleeting and skin will lose its elasticity and if you are not in tune, life will totally pass you by!

It won't matter if your lips are all wrinkly when you are old, especially if they got that way from all the KISSING! (but if they are wrinkly from the smoking I say ewwwwwww)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

~C

Tuesday, July 14

Peace-Love-Hope

Peace Love Hope in Tomorrow
Peace Love Hope in Today
Peace Love Hope in my waking,
my wondering, my dreaming,
my every way...

Peace Love Hope in my future
Peace Love Hope to my past,
Peace Love Hope in how and why I remember it,
Peace Love Hope that will last...

Peace Love Hope to all of them
Peace Love Hope from GOD through me,
Peace Love Hope from the beginning, to now, till then....
forever it will be.

~C

Nudie

How fleeting the short time we get to be NUDIE!
It already seems unacceptable to some at 4.
How sad to not see that little heinee, that J-Lo bootie, before me, anymore...
I won't think of it yet. Missing the beauty of perfect smooth new skin in perfect teeny parts.
How freeing it feels for them, how native, how natural.....
I will entertain the nudiness in the privacy of my home until it just seems wrong,
because life is short, and the opportunity to be Nudie is shorter.
Tee hee.

~C

Too Much Reality

My care bear optimism has been scattered, in some ways torn apart.
torn apart by reality...
the illusion of so much good...trampled upon by what we are all capable of.
Miss goody two shoes runs from alcohol and drugs and runs smack into divorce....
because we all have lessons to learn, reasons we need to grow and stretch ourselves....
and we all struggle from SOMETHING. My vice is my own, and yours, is yours....and maybe we will conquer what gets the better of us time and time again, but maybe we won't.
But it is the journey, right?

The destination of Heaven will not change for me, so why am I ever intimidated with falling on my face? Jesus knows what that felt like and he picked himself up again....
and that is what I will do, as I pray that this cynicism that creeps upon me from time to time, doesn't wrap me in it's vice like grip and whisper to me about all the hate in the world. The hate and the loss and the broken hearts, the death and struggling that keeps us from our very best.

HE defeated the illusion of death a long time ago.
Lord help me live in that truth, and walk out your love in my life. Help me to keep my care bear attitude to be able to encourage and love as you meant for me too. Let me be hopelessly committed to HOPE.

Weary world defied!

~C

Tuesday, June 9

YOU...are amazing

Seeking instead of relishing
relishing in the NOW, in what now has to offer you...
wasting the day remembering or looking so far ahead, that you trip
and fall, on your face, in the mud!
Ah to be content, in myself TODAY!
to accept the ME God created me to be!
Why do I have to remind myself so often??

Isn't it so amazing to think of how many sperm were in that one shot...(OK gross maybe if you think too long on it and recognize that that was the very beginning of your existence) but REALLY, out of all those sperm, YOU were the one that made it! Or half of you was...the other half of you resided in the egg, but let's not get distracted by a tangent of specifics! Let's focus on the MIRACLE!!

So you made it! You beat the odds! What was it, 20,000 to One? (Do I have to google the answer and get an exact average #, because I am too immature for that....it will just send me back to sex ed class, and to how HILARIOUS it was for me. I am so immature....)
So you won the lottery of LIFE, OK?! Let's not take this so lightly....
and on top of THAT, you were designed by God to be EXACTLY who you ARE. How awesome is that?! Just dwell on that!

So when you are sitting there picking at yourself, at what you ARE NOT, at how you are LACKING, at how you'd be so much better if you could just master your flaws....
PLEASE remember how exceptional you are, in just EXISTING!
Give yourself a break and realize how amazing and beautiful you are, how PERFECT you are in your imperfectness, and then relax...

.....because God is going to do great things with your significant, perfect yet imperfect life with all it's exceptional timing and chaos....You beat the odds in the beginning, and you will keep on beating them just in LIVING!

Just LET yourself live and begin to LOVE yourself,
TODAY!

~C

Sunday, June 7

endlessly waiting

It seems like I am waiting for you to reach out, but if it isn't there, it isn't there, is it?
It cannot work otherwise, and the fleeting times you do initiate burn bright red and linger in their rarity, a heightened moment of clarity that has me mouthing the words..."only if"
Only if, he did this constantly...OK then,consistently.
I want to be with someone who reaches for me. Who wants to want to reach for me.
but in the waiting I am learning to be fulfilled by God, and be resolute in his Love, so I am not endlessly looking for validation and affection, tossed by emotion, while I wait to experience it all again.
What's to say it won't all happen again if we try for it, like an endless tide pattern of low tide/ high tide....
I cannot function under the whims of the tide anymore, I am incapable now.
I feel like I am building up the nerve to strike out on my own, in my own way, on my own terms and I am preparing to say no, no that is not enough....and no I will not jump through hoops for you. and NO, I must resist the few bits that lead me down this path...they never sustain me, and they are fleeting, if only you could STAY.
Are you waiting until I get "toned"? All fit and trim and then what....will that make it all better? Won't there always be something lacking with that same old mind set? There will always be something else....
and if your mind set changed, it would radiate from you. It would be something that you could not hide or fool me with....
but you still talk of the world, embracing all the temptations and snares it lies before us, in possessions and the physical....succumbing to pride you are enamoured with and want what you see, and with what tempts you, and while I can appreciate what I see through artist eyes, I rather invest deeply in the matters of the heart and mind.
When you cultivate that or even attempt to, it is then that you can embrace yourself and your life for what it IS, and what it was meant to be.....with all it's flaws and short-comings even, because that is just part of the deal....it comes with being here.
We were not designed to constantly compare ourselves, our circumstances, our lot in life!
I remind myself of the word "insanity" and I check myself....am I doing AGAIN the same things and expecting different results?
Yeah, I am doing it again.....and I said I WOULD'T!!!
I tell myself it is just a matter of patience, of waiting, but I have yet to define how long or for what exactly. If I am not careful, life may slip by unnoticed.
So I dig deep into my gut and pull out what is hiding in there, and I analyze it in the light....the insecurities and the rejected scars that mar the fleshy pink. I want to be able to look at my stretch marks of life and recognize them for what they are....not flaws, but beautiful reminders of how far I've come, of what I've done and accomplished, and a reminder of what I participated in, and I gave, and I risked.....
and therefore altering my flesh, so that my spirit could thrive.
would you do it all again?
Then it was worth it, embrace it!

Monday, June 1

pale grey

memories stained with heartache
love sent out...
return to sender
mixed with love divine
when "just right"
"just right", no rhyme or reason
like seasons change
before you know it, so suddenly
fortune or ruin
so white and then....
pale grey
like a morning that lulls you back into sleeping
or a separateness
that comes creeping
the waterfall of love
falls hard on rocks
that both delight in the pounding water
and can feel nothing
at any moment
and I am weeping
at the loss of you
and the sometimes love that you were keeping
for me


~C

16 years

What could you do with sixteen years?
How much could you love me in them?
How many kisses?
How many hugs?
How many ways....love conveyed?
How many days did you wonder why
you picked a girl like me?
But then how many days were you glad?
Which thought outweighed the other?
Taken for granted many times over
beauty and light and love
fortune sought elsewhere
in anything....satisfactory....for a time
while love sat and waited
for you to discover it again
in some new light, from some new angle
Somewhere in those haunting green eyes
lurks the memory of the man
who delighted in me once
and in an isolated moment
all circumstances dim
and I feel myself drawn to him
like yesterday
just yesterday


~C

drawn

drawn
might as well be drawn and quartered
on this road of love I have stumbled
with bloody knees
heart pierced and bleeding
never understanding
always wondering
what went missing for you
wishy washy love sloshing
messy and undirected
diluted and DISTRACTED but
hauntingly good while it lasted
for a time
until I stumbled and fell again
in the loss of your attention

~C

open the cage

fly like a bird
to find it
open the cage
you put yourself in
and allow yourself
to know yourself
deeply
and then we'll see
if your heart belongs to me
we'll see

~C

divine writing

I was writing one night....pleading to God and I asked:

God help me to visualize
a resurrection from this death
a flower blooming from manure
a new life from your breath
because all I can see out before me
is questionable, rickety at best
and the promise of something beautiful
has doubt perched deep in my chest

Give me your eyes to see beauty
in the ash the enemy's fire has left
I cannot find the bud forming
I cannot see it finding me yet
Hope won't elude me, but I dodge it
not wanting to feel pain ever again
not wanting to feel the rejection
that haunts my heart, digging in

Renew again my understanding
of the truth you do not hide from me
and bring it out into the open, right before me
undeniably understandable to me
so I might not waver in my path
straight for you
straight for the one I love, If that is of you
and I won't look back and wonder
I'll know because I know YOU.

************************************************
and the most amazing thing happened...from my spirit, through my hand then through the pen, God wrote me an answer! It was flowing out of my mind and I wrote it down as fast as it came to me, and when I stopped and reread it, I was in awe. I had never had this happen to me, but it was so cool! Such encouragement and Love.....and here is what he said to me, through me:


You have to let go of one idea
to be able to embrace a new one
and I won't close a door and make you wonder
If I'll ever be opening a new one
My love is forever revolving
breaking down and building new
once again
and time is perfected in all of it
my timing is clear, once it is done

Do not doubt, do not wallow in sorrow
But praise God in knowing he's true
Your circumstances are not at a standstill
but forever moving in motion
with you, for you, in love

Hold fast to hope in tomorrow
my best is yet to come
do not doubt precious girl
do not wonder
how and when my work will be done
rest in knowing how much I love you
rest in knowing I AM
I will never forsake you or leave you
I am working for you toward an end

be still and do not fear in not knowing
faith perfected through heartache and wait
your tears are not lost in the falling
your heart will be able
to stand the test

Rejoice and have hope in the waiting
stand by while I'm working for you
and just know that I am in battle
outfitted in armour
a fight just for you!

Help me by praying, believing!
manifest tomorrow TODAY
and follow me to where I will lead you
I will not lead you astray!

Hold fast and tight to my wisdom
I promise I will bring you through
out into the bright new open
of everything wonderful
everything true~!

Keep fighting, do not grow weary
Do not become resigned in your heart
For the battle will not be won by the light hearted
and my word should be taken seriously

Run to me when you are questioning
lay your burdens at my feet
and I will direct your way
I will point you to the path

Listen for my voice and hear me
I call to you clearly and truly
Keep faith close to your heart
with Thanksgiving and praise
and all will be given unto you
all will be restored in Faith
In love
as it should be
and as it was meant to be
in the beginning

Do not lose heart I say to you
hold fast to the love in your heart
time is fleeting
and should be revered as so

the understanding comes from me as I show you
Otherwise wait on me in faith
and I will direct your steps
I will lead....you follow.

*******************************************

I hope it is encouraging to you too!

~C

You are my crack, my booze

Yeah so we all have hang-ups. Is it that we eat too much, or run too much, or maybe we run from ourselves, or obsess over anything and everything? Maybe it is pretty obvious a problem like drinking or snorting cocaine, and sometimes it is the most subtle things that unravel the person who seems the most put-together. Anything can be crippling to anyone and the combinations are endless and played out till the end of time!



For me, it is you.



You have a way of fulfilling me and then driving me crazy with your indecisive ways and your elusive smile that comes and goes, that smile that is crowded out by your roller coaster emotions and your burdened mind.



The line "To move confidently in the direction of your dreams...." should be your mantra. Confidence is lacking! Direction is lacking! Moving, out of confusion....is lacking!



and I don't want that to drag me down too....I am involved far too much and have entangled myself so tightly into this pattern that it is dividing ME from ME!
I was riding your roller coaster for so long! Willingly running back to the front of the line again and again, just one more ride....one more familiar dance.


So I thought I stepped out and away.....
but I haven't, I am just fooling myself, I only THINK I have at times.


I am determined though....
Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of the bait and switch tactic, even if it is by default, born out of your own confusion.
I don't want to be confused and I don't willingly confuse things.
I am happy.
I know who I am.

and in that, there is such peace...
But because you haven't found your own peace, you send shock waves through mine. Your confusion is confusing!
Like a vine it wraps it's uncertainty around me....and I am certain of this!!



How do you redesign a life? Could I approach it like redesigning a room?
Is it just a matter of moving the furniture and adding some accessories? Do I paint it?
Do I move myself? Are the accessories new habits? Is the paint a new outlook or perspective?
I am going to have to donate a lot of stuff to Goodwill.....
I am not going to need it in this room anymore,
because I am determined
and I want a new happy healthy room....
and when you find peace for yourself, then maybe......



~C

fairytale divorces

It would have been really helpful if some of the fairy tales I heard as a kid ended in divorce.
Because happily ever after....which to be truthful, sounds so simple and blissful,
is just laughable now that I am all grown up and can appreciate those words for what they
really mean!
I am not a cynic....
I could never fully condescend what still dwells in my heart.
( Once a dreamer always a dreamer, thanks in part to all those unrealistic fairytale endings! )

So really, what if Snow White divorced the Prince two years later and maybe she remarried one of the dwarfs? Too short? They domesticated her though and they love to dance, and they seem really attentive, appreciative, and adoring! Come on! Does height really matter? Ha ha....

What I am getting at, is that it would have been helpful to see some relationship problems, some bickering even....maybe she wanted to take a walk that day....and she asks the prince in a snotty tone why they always have to ride his horse?
See!! Princesses don't even use snotty tones! They are always polite and proper and so self-controlled!

SO we get these messages, that these gorgeous sweet role models not only behave impeccably, but also that they end up with the beautiful flawless life...
Let's just say it is a lot to live up to and I would love to see a remake of Snow White where she awakes in the wood after the kiss all disheveled and rumpled with her mascara all smeared!

So when I read these fairy tales to my 4 year old I secretly cringe. Am I setting her up to be a hopeless dreamer too? Will that make the realities of life seem that much louder and more uncomfortable, too harsh as she learns hard lessons?
Nahhhhh....

Some things don't have to make sense.
And we have to have dreams....
even if they are unrealistic and even.....
if they end in divorce.

~C

Thursday, May 28

patience

I always considered myself a pretty patient person. Much more so with people...
If a machine jams or a computer deletes what I am writing and I can't get it back....well then I start gnashing my teeth at it and huffing and puffing.
People, at least, I can try to reason with.

So patience is a tricky thing, because it can get irritating, being patient, and sometimes it can leave you lonely but it can also make you feel proud that you are able to keep it up too. I am trying to become a MASTER at not complaining while being patient.

You know those people in line at Disney World when you are in the kind of line you cannot get out of easily and you are too far away from the beginning but quite a ways from the end and they start griping....well it is understandable sure.....they investmented a lot of their time and now they feel stuck and to turn back now would be such a waste, and they really want to ride the amazing ride! (This is totally an analogy for my life if you haven't caught on by now.)

But my point is that these people that start to complain aloud in the line....
I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!
Do they do it for attention? Do they do it because the wait has become too great and their annoyance is so irritating that they MUST express it? Do they need sympathy or an irritated buddy? I am sure all of the above. Do I need these things as well to get me through this patient time in my life?

I catch myself teetering on the brink of being one of these people.
One of these people I do not want to be,
because of my impatience with my patience.

Part of me is amazed I am able to be patient for so long now, and the other part of me knows I have no choice because love is involved, and when love is involved you don't just start griping in line right away....you are aware of how great the ride was the last time....and you are willing to put up with a lot to get there.
and you don't even consider back tracking through the line and saying excuse me 50,000 times and risk looking like you are TOO SCARED to ride the ride.....
because you know you are not scared and you know you are willing to wait....

you are just weary in the waiting...and it is getting the better of your measure of patience.

Oh my gosh, am I griping? :)

Wednesday, May 27

wondering as you sleep

angels sleeping side by side
how did you get so big already?
how did I play a part in something so amazing
that keeps on growing
with the love in my heart
as you sleep
while I watch
and I wonder
at the beauty
of your very existence!

In black and white

Why do we have to measure success....with diplomas, and salaries, and material things? Why the endless search and destroy mission for more and then MORE! The temporary joy fades and leaves you disenchanted, unsatisfied. The real meaning of life, discarded and passed by, while you flounder to climb higher and higher....

We all take different paths, and that should be OK, shouldn't it?
Part of me is feeling fine with my accomplishments, and another part of me so defensive, so willing to PROVE myself at one probing glance, an implication that I may not have done enough with my life so far. What have YOU done? What are you doing NOW? We do that you know, scramble to achieve things on paper, jot them down, keep record and check it twice....I've made something of myself see! See it is right here in black and white!

Ahhhhh.....but how profound to look through those documents after someone has died, and measure their life with these accomplishments. How morbid but too how enlightening to know their whole story, their whole outlook and then hold their accomplishments in your hand.....and what to do with them now? All these great things in black and white.....

What impresses me instead is the way you held me when I cried, or laughed until you were hysterical, the way you brought family together or hosted a great party, the way you loved God with all your heart or found ways to bring out the very best in anyone.....your awesome cheerfulness and your encouragement. These things I admired in you were not written down on the list of accomplishments, they were not acquired by getting your degree or written out on your resume. But I see then in your eyes captured in a photograph and I will remember them in my mind...Forever. What we are remembered for is in the essence of who we were, not what we did. Our lives are in HOW we did it, and WHY, but not in what we actually did. That is just a list.

So challenge yourself to greatness for the sake of accomplishment!
Do it all for your own driven need to succeed,
but do not size up others or compare yourself....
That only leads to empty greed!

So who do you do it for?
Do you do it for you,
or do you do it to prove it to me?

~C