Saturday, November 24

water

You taught me not to trust you
actions betraying words
promises when arrived at
discovered to be abandoned
a crying wolf story comes to life
and now when you cry
I wonder at the water
I once called tears.

~C

cold northern wind

Will there never not be tension
this taught rope of unfinished business
this cyclone of sucking air that does not allow anything to be still
the droning roar that drowns out the words I need you to say
and the debris in the air that distracts you from seeing my tears
and then also
a frozen place where everyone stands scared and dazed
wondering at what was and could have been
stuck
and at the same time going through motions
that look like moving on

But stick me in a room with you and it all flies back in
might as well be a flock of black crows squawking
rushing in on a cold northern wind
filling the room
with high pitched cackling
and mocking our attempts
at making a way past or through
it doesn't matter much which

No matter the damage or how much I try to muddle it
or reason about how there is no trust in it
the road just seems to be leading back to you.

~C


Hoper Dreamer

The hoper wants to hope
the dreamer wants to dream
resisting logic
and scrunching their noses up at reality
avoiding despair
giving things wings that do not know how to fly
and even at the expense of confusing their own hearts
they press on
hoping
& dreaming
thriving
in an existence hidden from most
eluding even them.

~C

Tip

Cleaning tip to apply to life:

"Sometimes you even have to vacuum the vacuum"

Be careful of what you choose to suck up!!

~C

flawed

We are all
F L A W E D
you can either let that depress you
or motivate you to
C H A N G E

~C

powerful whisper

Trust yourself
your instincts
your intuition
you know the Holy Spirit speaks to your heart
in a powerful whisper
that was designed to protect you
The Voice that teaches
urges you patiently in love
towards your best,
even when it doesn't make "sense"
that finds a way to expose everything
to God's awesome light
His wisdom
His justice
His good...

all that good that He has
to give to YOU...

won't you listen?

~C

Dedicated

I like to find songs that speak to me
whose lyrics heal me
and then I like to pretend you dedicated the words
it puts me on the path to forgiving
even if all that energy starts and ends with me
I know best what my heart needs
and I do not hesitate to give

~C

NEW magnifies OLD


Drawn beyond logic
toward the sun
where I have been burned before
where I was blinded by love
and now
a pain induced reality
has executed and replaced
the dreaming side of me
that side that fantasized about an ordinary life
where nothing tragic happened
and a family honored each other in love
my deluded thinking,
assuming a simple dream
would not attract devastation

My life is a tattered quilt
each patch a beautiful section of color
full of hope
but slashed with time
torn by people pulling their own way
or leaving this earth all together
why am I being left behind in too many ways?
patching my quilt
picking up the pieces
and making something new
from my broken dreams
and my shattered past

But new just magnifies the old
and my head says one thing
and my heart argues
you can make anything look good
dress it up
but there is nothing like the natural beauty of things
the raw unrealistic yearnings of your heart
drawing you back into the sun
where the familiar burning makes you shake with fear
where you will catch afire for sure

or will you?

~C

Friday, November 2

frozen

forgive me
forgive me
forgive me
for being a bumbling human
the kind who doesn't know how to express her heart
or say goodbye without screwing it up

how do you stand before a beautiful wall
and take a hammer to it?
Tear down something you helped to build
something you love...?

Loving comes easily to me
it is when it unravels that I don't know what to do
I am more concerned with staying calm
than with taking a stand
or telling someone they crossed a line for me
my nature to step back
rather than put my hand up

Sassy to me always translated as bitchy
and I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be
but to be assertive and up front....I know it would help
but I don't know if I have it in me
& that will cost me

In these times where I louse it up
where I let go, one ribbon at a time, in my head
but I don't tell you that until the end
and I run

because looking you in the eyes
would rip my guts out
I'd look at you with frozen lips
and conceal my cowardly heart
that cannot say the things I fear
and I am so sorry

Matters of the heart
tangle my spoken words to the point of chaos
where I want to ask myself to be quiet
and go to my room
and come back when I have something constructive
something worthy to share

~C








corner of my heart

I stand in the corner of my heart
and I asses the damage from there
the losses
the gains
and the countless fluctuations
and I wonder at the scars
I am amazed at it's size
I am sure you can see the tears in my eyes

I own my heart
but I rarely go in
and wonder at it
but I fail to treat it like an old friend
sometimes I even avoid it completely
and throw caution to the wind
better to chance the break
than never really live....

right?

Risking the condition of my own heart
doesn't rattle me as much as risking yours
I step forward and enter in and it is as if I expose you
open your chest up and pour my love right in
and love does take prisoners
it will lock you right up
until your filled from it
or it begins to cause fractures...

so at first
an individual decision
and then a mutual leap
an investment of time and mileage
of energy and so much love

to regret what you take away from what we had
is to deny the love that truly WAS
is to say it wasn't worth it to you
how do we ever know unless we try?
until we decide to try and fly?

and even when we project the very best
that love can spill & seep through cracks
cracks that will be sown up with time
and sown up with love to come
from forgiveness
if you choose to allow it
did I already say with time?

time
time
time....

That
broken
swollen
& hopeful
heart of mine
how it wants to get it right....

~C


Thursday, November 1

Life cuts in

I'll miss you already
even before you have to go
even before the goodbyes are said
and I've held you
but you know
and you say it too
without saying anything at all
time slows
and then stops
and we hang here
in mid air
wondering if our memories
will live on for a lifetime
even if we don't
don't walk the future out
together.

~C

singing nonsense

Sigh
Sigh
Sigh

cry
cry
cry

why?
why?
why?

Oh me,
Oh my.....

Bye & Bye

I wish I may

I wish I might

go fly a kite

just take a bite

I don't want to fight

goodnight


~C

Adapt to survive, to keep it "alive"

Considerate
to a fault
where I bypass me
to accommodate you

If weighed
your feelings
would always have more value
than mine

selflessness is grand
until you lose yourself in it
until the blinders
on the sides of your eyes
keep you from being self aware

Your wants
your desires
your interests
your values
they make up who you are

to ignore them for the sake of loving someone
is to admit that they fell in love
with a chameleon
someone who adapts
instead of someone who IS

Who am I?
What do I want?
What am I about?
and why do I turn the music down
when all I want to do is dance?


~C

His Plans, not mine

Throughout most of my life
I know that I know
even when I don't want to know
because once I do
It rocks what is
or shakes it up
or changes it
and sometimes
I just want to float down the river
and bask in the sun
and spend my time dreaming and wondering
at the beauty God's spun

But He allows it to change
like the seasons turn
showing me that underneath it all
my seams have come undone
and everything I try to put together
out of my own power and strength
has no backing and no substance
without His consequence
His influence
it is like building my life on sand
striving and trying
to do what He can do in a wave of His hand

And I resist change when I can see it coming
one little hint at a time
and no preparing comforts the leap
the going, when He asks
I know that I know that I need to walk away
but I stay anyway,
till I can't
My own ways not His best ways
and I know it...
it's not chance.

~C