Wednesday, December 29

not needing to understand

Tragic things happen
things that test our faith
things that just seem so random and heartbreaking
but instead of doubting God in these situations
we need to remember
God is the love and the hope that rushes into that situation
He is not the situation
nor did He create it
we will have to ask Him one day why He allowed it
but that is where trust comes in
we try to makes sense of everything through our human perspective
we crave justice
and yet we flirt with disaster
and above all we find it almost impossible to give up control
if it doesn't make sense, then it must not make sense
we are more comfortable with playing God
then we are with letting God be God
and trusting that He is all knowing
that His intentions are awesome
that His love for us supersedes any kind of love we could create or experience
His ways are above our ways
His thought are above our thoughts
this is a GOD of the UNIVERSE people!

we can never comprehend the dynamic going on
the intricate inner workings of a plan that began long before us
and that plan will continue on long after we leave this earth
but while we are here
my goal is to really surrender
to really trust that God has me in the palm of His hand
that He loves me like I am the only human that ever existed
and that He has enough love in Him to love us all like that and then some
till the end of time

It is ironic that my blog is called "waiting to understand"
(that may never happen until I get to heaven, and I think I can handle that)
it should be "trying to understand"
when really I want it to be "I surrender to not needing to understand"
I do not need an explanation to love
I have the choice to trust
the choice to believe
no matter what the world conveys
no matter what it shows me
It is why God asked us to set our eyes on the things above!
He knew the tragedies that have been and that will be
He knows the heartache
He knows how hard it is to process it all
all the feelings that would come to us because of them
the scars that would be made
the haunting of our minds
and so He warns us
His goal,
to protect us
now if we will just listen instead of trying to sort it out for ourselves
grasp something within the situation that feels solid
find someone to blame, or accuse
we think we know what will make us feel better
but the key to freedom and laying down the burden
is to admit that we don't know

and there is too much proof
too many clues
that encourage me to make the choice to love
and to surrender
and to trust
every day.

~C

Monday, December 27

This is how God speaks to me

I went to "soak" for the first time
simply meaning I went to someones home
with some other people
and they played music
and we all rested and listened to what God had to say to us
then after we shared

this is what God said to me....

You know how you can be with someone
and be so content with them,
so understood by them,
that you do not need words?
This is where I want you to be with me.
This is the level of contentment I want you to feel and convey in your life.
No need to say anything,
and if I give you something to impart you will know.
Remember the love relationship.
Dwell on the way that I love you best.
I love you perfectly.
Come and rest with me.
Let me look into your eyes and convey my love and my understanding,
my compassion and my knowing,
all within a look.
Looking into you, and at you.
You make me happy my love!
(that part made me cry!)

I will always want to hold your hand
I will always receive your embrace
and I will always be reaching out to you.

You don't have to understand now
In time I will reveal everything to you
do not struggle & sort
This world is twisted and tangled in itself
even understanding it will not bring comfort & peace
But I bring those things
so dwell on me my child.

(I got up to go to the bathroom,
and on the wall there was a picture of an old sailing ship,
and under the the ship it said "Homeward Bound", and God used the picture to say this...)

HOMEWARD BOUND!
that is what you are!
(that made me tear up too!)

(Then instead of going to sit down again, I felt like I was supposed to wander around and look at the art and photos on the wall of this woman's home. I came to a large photograph of her ancestors and it was during the Victorian Era and they were dressed so beautifully. God had me look at each of their faces, like zone in on each one of them individually and this is what He said...)

I look at each person,
just how you look at each of your own children
I am filled with Love looking at them!
I delight in them!
Everything about them is precious and special
I love them specifically for who they are,
EACH of my children.
They amaze me and they make me laugh!
I cannot imagine a life without them
cannot remember the time before they existed to me and yet,
to me they always existed and they always will!
Isn't that wonderful?!
All that love, that just one person brings to me,
and I multiply that by generations and generations!
The bad you could do will never outweigh the LOVE I have for you!

Let them see who I created you to be
throw off the weight of the world
the weight that weighs you down & limits you!
Break away from those things that stand in the way of my light shining through you!
Like taking the candle out of the lantern so you are all light
YOU ARE MY LANTERN
So do not put yourself into anything that hides your light
You were meant to shine!
I designed you to simply, shine.
You limit yourselves but I do not limit you.
I give you wings not so that you can preen them and show them off
I gave you wings to FLY
remember their real purpose
YOUR real purpose

(as all this came to me I wrote it down. Being quiet and waiting to hear what God wanted to say, was so amazing and sweet. I encourage you to try it. He wants to talk to you too! )

~C


Free Will

I tried to change
I got rid of clutter
I lost weight
I tried to think of ways
to make myself more attractive
of ways to make him love me
until I realized I can only control myself
and did I really want someone to love me,
because I MADE them?
or tricked them?
or convinced them?

The true brand of love that sticks
is one based on free will
where someone willingly chooses to love you
where they choose to stay because they want to

God knew exactly what this meant

He will not put you in a cage
He will not twist your arm
and although He runs after you
and could easily catch you
He will never force you to go with Him

He is patient and kind
He is gentle and compassionate
He wants the very best for you
but He will not MAKE you do anything

He encourages you
He loves you
and He waits

He waits and waits and waits....

and when you finally collapse in His arms
He sighs a huge sigh
Oh how He missed holding you
and there is no guilt in that embrace
He will not chastise you
and if He knows that you will turn and go in a mere hour from now
He will not let on

He lives in the moment
treasuring it for all it is worth
and relishing in the time He does have
and He hopes these moments get longer and longer each time
until we are so content with Him
that we don't choose to leave Him anymore.

~C


A good fire

there are so many elements that make a good fire
A fire that will catch,
and successfully burn
If you have newspaper,
but you don't have kindling
it just doesn't create a high enough temperature
to sustain enough heat....
and you could put a ton of newspaper in there
but it is just a temporary burn
the fire will consistently burn out before it can get the wood burning....
do you see the spiritual analogy yet???

So I think we search for ways to motivate ourselves spiritually
WE SEARCH FOR WAYS
see the problem?
and all these ways,
they lead to the temporary burn,
that temporary high
that brings us close to the Lord in that moment
but then we leave Him where we found Him
when we leave that moment
but He wants to be with us always
He wants to light you from within
with all the right elements
He wants to ignite you so that you burn the fruits of His spirit
LOVE
JOY
PEACE
FORBEARANCE
KINDNESS
GOODNESS
FAITHFULNESS
GENTLENESS
SELF-CONTROL
because if your life is producing these qualities
people will see your fire before they see you
they will know the warmth of your spirit
through the amazing love of God

When the coals are there glowing
the foundation of the fire is laid
and then keeping the fire going
becomes a matter of throwing on another log

I used to think making a fire looked like a pretty simple thing
until I tried it

God wants us to allow Him to make the fire for us
He wants to teach us through the Holy Spirit in a way that will stick
a way that will stay with us because it occurred through revelation
God is our fire
and through Him we will always know warmth
His fire will always be a tool that will provide for us
raw meat, will be cooked meat, because of God

He came to take care of us
to offer us every good thing in the world
if we will only look to Him to provide it.

~C


Sunday, November 21

little ones

you have no idea
how much Mommy loves you
because no matter how many times
I tell you, within your lifetime
(even if it is million-kazillion times)
it could never convey
what I feel in my heart
when I look at you smile
or hear you say
my Mommy name

Oh how I love you!

~C

Saturday, November 20

death

resisting a change
caught off guard
feeling completely unprepared
to face the opposite of my dreams
the one thing unwanted....
why does it seem that the worst we can think of,
the thing we DO NOT want
comes after us?
Do we know before hand?
on some very intimate level?
and if you have no deep fears
then can they not follow you?


~C

hidden growth

the avocado seed sits in the window
in a small dish of water
suspended by toothpicks
and from the top
you can not tell it is growing
but if you lift it out of the water
and turn it over
it has a strong root
and the seed has split
in this v-like shape from below
but like I said
from the top
you cannot even tell that it is growing...
it is an awesome analogy for me right now
I feel like I am growing in a way
and working through something
that you can not yet see the results of
YET

~C

Tuesday, November 16

Hope

honestly, I couldn't even go there
if I did, I risked shattering emotionally
into a thousand million pieces
so I stayed semi-numb
and in vague denial
until I couldn't avoid it anymore
until the truth was so clear that I couldn't breathe
until I had to put the car over because my legs went to rubber
and I couldn't feel the pedals
it is like suddenly not knowing which way is up
the moment you realize that reality cannot be avoided
any
more
but I did not shatter
I cried
and my heart sunk to my very feet
and my whole life flashed before my eyes
but I did not shatter
I did not shatter
and the surprise of that
is what gave me just enough hope
to will myself to take just one more step
and then one more step
toward a new unknown life
and even though fear and loss crippled me
making it nearly impossible to drag my feet forward
I was able to to get there
(whether I wanted to go there or not)
I was facing the horror of my life
dead in the eye
and I did not die

~C


Saturday, November 13

the truth

you are...
accepted
loved
cherished
appreciated
beautiful
wonderful
delightful
purposed
inspiring
fruitful
sweet
valued
important
special
irreplaceable
perfect
just the way you are!

~C

you right now

closed
out of business
unavailable
nothing to give
vacant
lacking
hurting
lost
despondent
blank
unwilling
unknowing
searching
dehydrated
eyes closed
shut off
under construction
careful falling rocks!

~C

ah silence

where I have the choice to say something
but I don't have to
where I can hear myself think
or
where I do not have to think at all
and then it gets really quiet

there within the quiet
I can look within
and see what is going on
with me

in the silence
God speaks
and I can hear him
helping me
loving me
encouraging me
urging me to do
His will
inviting me on the adventure
He wants to have with me

~C

We all seek love & kind words

Have you noticed lately
how so many songs have come out
telling you how beautiful you are?
All radio stations too
not just Christian
Don't you know
that it is God loving on you?
through these writers
these singers
passing over air waves
and speaking right to your heart
because we all want to hear it
we all are seeking to feel special
accepted
LOVED
and appreciated
in this life
seeking out someone
to tell us so
and God is saying
what you need to hear
CONSTANTLY

~C

free write

We are all flawed
we will never achieve perfection
say it with me
"I will never achieve perfection"
doesn't that kind of take a load off?
(exhale deeply)

I think we all are subconsciously striving for that
hard on ourselves
picking at ourselves
IF ONLY we say
If I just had this or didn't have that
physically, materially, mentally, spiritually....

and we do it with other people too
If I could combine her compassion
with that other girls sense of style
and yet another girls awesome looks
she would be the perfect girlfriend....

but here is the thing
we are all flawed for a reason!
every one of us!
So we need to stop daydreaming of creation
we were created to be exactly who we are
the way we are
can we just try to relax in that?
Just accept ourselves
Just BE?

Why is it so hard?
God designed you for a distinct purpose
you are the hand maybe
I am the foot
yet another person is the elbow
or maybe we are each just one of the nerve endings!
our purpose is very specific
and we need each other too
we rely on each other
even if we never acknowledge each other
so to hurt someone
really is-to hurt our own selves

we don't really get that yet...
because lets face it
there are certain people that go against our grain
and it is so hard to understand their purpose
in the scheme of things
but I promise you
if YOU understood everything
there would be no use for God

We will never figure it out
and attempting to is OK if you just find it entertaining
but the moment you cross that line
the moment you think "I can do this on my own"
you hurt yourself
you isolate yourself
you shut off the water
and all your infinite resources
are out of reach

God wants to give you everything
acknowledging His power in your life
having a thankful heart
and realizing your life is a GIFT
THAT is where the real power lies

The power is in the freedom
in the letting go
in the surrender
in the trust
in the love
in the compassion
in the giving
in the moment where you stop striving!
where you give up control!

I know you feel vulnerable
I know you want to play a part
but do you want to play the part you made up for yourself
or the part God designed for you before the beginning of time?
The part he intricately planned out for your ultimate success
and to the most benefit of the lives you touch?

The beauty of all of this is that we will find our own way
in our own time
God is running after us always
and not in a harassing way
God isn't a stalker,
He will never leave you in a way you never want Him to
In the way you never wanted your husband to leave
or your family member in death
or in the way anyone leaves before you wanted them to

You have all the time that you have
to find what you need to find
and I have confidence
that you will only do what you are doing
until it does not work

The awesome thing about God is
once you find Him
you know He works
(He will show you)
so you might have to shift things around within the idea of Him
but you won't ever again have to start from scratch
you won't have to revamp your approach to life
over and over again
anymore

let go of bitterness
let go of hatred
let go of unforgiving my friend
all these things do is keep you from true freedom
they are chains that weigh too much
that weigh you down
and you CHOOSE to carry them don't you see?

Open your eyes
Open and in awareness SEE
Our free will tends to run our lives
because we think IT is our freedom
but it is a mirage
all free will will lead to
is empty choice and personal fulfillment
that leaves us aching in thirst

The real thing can only exist
when we make God our Best Friend
accept Him
and know
that He was supposed to be the one

the One we are supposed to seek acceptance from
because He will never reject us
and the One we seek significance from
because we are eternally precious to Him
and the One we seek security from
because He will be with us always

and it is only with Him that we will feel purposed
and productive
and ALIVE
truly alive

stay there
go deep
and discover
by asking Him
what you were really meant for!

~C








Tuesday, November 9

tick tock

time
time
time
s l o w
and d r a w n o u t
by design

the more that happens
the more you learn
that you WILL get through

more chaos?
you emerge more mellow
even if it makes you worse first
even if you don't see the way out
at the time

life is about holding on
about learning
if you are willing
about listening
to people much wiser than you

and there is nothing more precious
than friendship unwarranted
that is offered despite who you are
and love that never came at a cost
and being loved
as YOU

~C



&

you broke your sisters bed tonight
tried to hang from the headboard
and snap
&
there is red sharpie written across
the side of my white upholstered bed
&
a star burst in the flat screen TV
where you threw a nice shooter marble
&
orange and blue nail polish on the doorway mouldings
and I will admit I thought "go gators!"
before I got the nail polish remover
and had you help me rub it off
&
scribblings on walls
and every time I ask
"what is the only thing we right on?"
you always score an A on your answer
"paper"
&
then there is the mystery sink incident
a crack running 3 ways into the porcelain
I did not see you do it
but you have a way of "rearranging things"
now don't you?
but gosh we'll get through this
&
I love you kid
:)

~C


patience for pressure

my feelings
lost in translation

sometimes I even go blank
from the pressure
of saying something interesting
something important
it hovers over me
and I choke on it

the silence is forever now
you have had nothing to say
for years
why do I try to work with that?

why can't I just let go?
just BE
really truly surrender completely....

I have tried not to care
but I am a care bear
it is unnatural
and it isn't uncaring that I am aiming for
it is confidence
confidence in God in me
PEACE in not having to talk
or anything
and patience, with the process

every new day brings NEWNESS
I am not being redundant
I am emphasizing
you open your eyes to a brand new day
and maybe you don't even get a glimpse of yesterday
yea!

He has a portion for NOW
not then and not when....
so stay awake
so hold on
so breathe deep
the contractions of life pass too
and there will be a day
that you cannot remember
your pain
a day
filled with HOPE
your mind renewed

~C

Monday, November 8

raggedy ann

the same size as me
her yarn red hair
her stitched black eyes
and her big red heart

the parts of her
that I remember the most

when I slept
I would straddle her,
the feel of her fabric skin
memorized by little finger tips

my stuffed friend
who sat by
silently watching
my life go by

and now
she is under my daughters bed
silently wondering
where the love went


~C

to be

defensive
why?
because you fear
why?
because of the loss...
you can't stand to lose anymore
you are not sure what would be left of you then
but no need to defend
surrender more
trust more
trust God has it all under control
everything is as it should be
everything is going according to plan
don't doubt
or sulk
or wallow where you know no one will find you
that is nonconstructive
and it is hiding
share without dumping
be, without feeling you have to say anything
float around and smell like marshmallows
and convey love
and smile, even if it hurts,
smile.

~C

Sunday, November 7

not God , not Love

thrown away
discarded
not needed
unimportant
not wanted
insignificant
turned away from
left
abandoned
rejected
changed my mind
dejected
love lost
diminished
luster gone
goodbye
moving on

~C

your burden

If I could carry some of the baggage you have
don't you know I would?
to see you carry it all on your own....
I am helpless & hurting
watching you

watching you
becoming fatigued
suffering
straggling behind
disoriented
and confused

but God told me a long time ago
that He is the only one that truly saves
that I was just in the way...

and I believe Him

so I do what I can
I lift you up in prayer
I help where I can
I love you Dear

~C

one way out

ten thousand cries
that sound like lies
creep up from within
your wounded soul

they call to remind you
they shout to distract
and they are relentless
to keep you off track

from whispers to screaming
it is altogether dreaming
a nightmare never intended for you

spiritual reality
is knocking
trying to wake you
redirect you
are you listening through?

isolate the life line
seek out the voice of life
that never sleeps
that is always awake
pursuing you
with rope to pull you out
if only you would look up

~C

Thursday, October 28

Tag Team

how divine the timing
that you are UP
when I am DOWN
and when you are DOWN
then I am UP
God's perfect timing
so we can lift each other,
chin up!

we remind the other
of our identity
and slap us out of it
in love
to walk us through it
in the word
and always speak
the truth in love

because true friendship isn't saying the easy things
but the things that will challenge us
to stay connected to God
because we know that only when we walk with Him
can true friendship
stay

~C

your eyes

the windows to your soul
do darken
every time you speak of her
as if you are somehow overtaken
by something other than God
and like gray clouds
passing over the moon
there is warning there
that needs heeding
my prayer
for forgiveness
that renews your heart
cheerful curtains of light
blowing in the breeze
dressing up your windows
with love

~C

love is love hate is hate

When you love someone
you are loving yourself
then couldn't it be said
that when you hate someone
you are hating yourself?
for the self loathing you feel
is conveyed in your mean language
your demeanor that lashes out
and the hurt you inflict is not of God
you are choosing not to acknowledge Him within you
overriding what He would have you do
because you are so consumed
with YOU

Love is love
and hate is hate
which do you choose for yourself?
how powerful, to really love
and gift yourself
pay it forward
with word and deed
and consciously choose
to be good to you
and deny the flesh that says "hate!"

~C


friendship

never meant to be
collectors of personal information
to use against
and to judge
never meant to compare
or measure against
to covet after
never meant to hurt or hinder
but to lift up and encourage
to cheer on
to cry with
to carry in your heart
inside your very chest
to love as yourself
to love as yourself
to love as yourself
be good to you

~C


Tennis Pro

Like any sport
the more you practice
the better you get at it
and spiritually too
I think we can exercise
our relationship with God
so we hear from him more
so we can move faster
and act on what He gives us quicker

God tells us to hold each thought captive
and at first it feels like a thousand tennis balls flying at us
trying to sort out our thoughts
trying to catch one
or "return" one
but the more we try
the easier it becomes
and then we think WOW
that thought sure wasn't of God
and we pray for protection over our minds
we pray protection from the enemy
who would love to convince us
that we are weak and stupid and worthless
and we remind that guy who our Daddy is
we remind him that that same power lives within us!
and then another thought comes
and another
but it becomes easier
and we have to pray for protection less
we have more Godly thoughts
and less enemy thoughts
we are training our mind
we are spiritually AWARE now
and it becomes easier and easier
more and more effortless to recognize
who is speaking to us
who is lifting us up
who is tearing us down
and like a tennis pro
that hits the ball again and again
and again
we can "return" a destructive thought in an instant now
sweet victory
when we are hearing more clearly from God
identifying His voice
like weeding out all the background noise
no longer overwhelmed by another voice,
we can focus on the sheer skill
that comes from practice
and from knowing
our Father's voice...WELL.

~C

Your Attic

you just packed up another box
another? really?
it is not going to fit up there
there is too much up there already
too many boxes you've avoided forever
crammed into a space that won't hold anymore
so guess you are going to have to deal
guess you are going to have to face
all those hard things you've been putting off
guess you are going to have to do the work
to sort through, and dust off
it is hard to look it all in the eye
all those hardships and mistakes
all those hurts and pains
all that rejection and loss
but what is awesome
is that you are not in it alone
what is awesome,
is that God wants to go through it with you
and He will go at your pace
and He will help you see it through
and He knows it will not be easy
and that some of it will cripple you in the moment
but you'll get through
and you'll be so much better off
for shining light into your attic
and going through the boxes
you've made to store your wounds
sorting,
so you can keep the valuable lessons learned
and cleanse the spaces that keep you bruised
so you can pitch the boxes one by one
and be freed up from the "things you've done"
The lie is that He holds those over you...
the truth is that He is here to sort it through
to free you!

YOU ARE FORGIVEN IN LOVE
now let go

~C

Atom Bomb

We were meant to love from the inside out
God says love they neighbor as thy self
to do that, we have to be able to love ourselves
and frankly most of us do not. :(

but if we could...

If we could truly live out of our identity in Christ...

it would look like an atom bomb
imploding from within
and sending a shockwave out

If we let God fill our cup
and our cup is overflowing first
then when we leave the house
and mingle with the world
we aren't needy
we aren't searching or distracted
we aren't taking & hoarding anything
or consumed with our insecurities
or distracted by our shortcomings....

instead
we are focused on what God wants us to be focused on
we can really GIVE
we can really receive
we can really reach out
and be His hands and His feet

the shock wave is way more effective
because we are no longer in the way
of God's greatness
and there is nothing to hold back
the amazing love He has to give
THROUGH us.


~C



Monday, October 11

Boomerang

When we are good to other people
we are being good to ourselves
we are ensuring that the ripple effect
that begins with us
will go out with love
we underestimate
how we effect each other
how what you choose to do
or what we do not choose to do
is not only about us

If we stay in a place
that keeps us from making ripples
(the RIGHT kind of ripples in this world)
then we will never benefit
from the amazing results
that come when we step out
and then we step up
and we give of ourselves
and love on others
and then truly feel the effects
of how we were designed to be

IN RELATIONSHIP

reaching out a hand to help someone up
hugging them through their loss
encouraging them with God's word
or just listening and praying for them

we were meant to play
not sit on the sidelines
and we were meant to believe
so that we can be empowered
through our identity in Christ
to do awesome things in the short time
we grace this earth

Do not doubt your worth
think about the movie "It's a wonderful life"
We are intricately entwined with others
in a way that we could never fully comprehend
unless, like that movie,
we could take ourselves out of it
and see what our absence would mean

I think we should use our gifts for good
and pay it forward as often as we can
the gift will boomerang and bless us too
and if we only have today....
then those interactions,
however brief
make life worthwhile
and give love meaning.

~C

Friday, September 17

Hayden's Heart

"Awwww, look at that poor old man, he is limping, he must have a hurt leg."
and from the back seat a little voice says simply "Jesus, you heal him and fix his leg..."
and then with so much sincere joy "Thank you Jesus!"

the tears well up in my eyes
with the wonder
and the awe
of this almost 4 year old
with a little heart
so connected
so understanding
already!

lovely, just lovely....

~C

Look past

The in between space
where I sit and I wait
where I pray
and I hope
where I see
what I know
and do not focus
on what is seen

my eyes
they deceive me
the lies
they retrieve
the flesh
from the dead
they dance
and they prance
the object
to distract me
from God's promises
and hope
His blessings
His best for me

so whisper all day
and I will tune you out
nag and betray
but I will find you out
integrity is for you
haven't you figured that out?
when you lie down your head
your heart wants to shout
wants to purge
all the things
that don't jive with the King
so your torn
inside out
left to doubt
where you stand
who you are
and especially what you are about

so choose wisely
tread softly
through this earth
it is not what it seems
more like fairies and strings
things heavenly not seen
and the other, that tangles

everything builds upon everything else
so a small choice can block
something amazing
take your blinders off
open your horizons
see all you were meant to
and look past the distractions
that were never meant
to get the best of you

keep striving toward true freedom
keep wading forward
past the illusion that binds you
past the old record that calls you
past the bait that hooks
to the promise that shook
the foundation that rises
with all the surprises
while you sit there and pray
mapping out the way
in silence
to greatness


~C

Tuesday, August 24

Grandma Milby

Thinking about you
and collecting memories
like fireflies
and putting them in my heart
instead of a jar
to keep for always
the memories of you

famous for your biscuits and gravy breakfast
establishing a "Milby tradition" before I was ever on the scene
first time I had ever eaten it
you had to explain what lard was
and nothing compares since

I can hear you laughing
telling me "Christie, you're such a good sport Honey"
when Charles drives me back from the snipe hunt

or swinging on the porch with me
A night at the cabin
so black we can not see each other
so I concentrate on your accent
on your story-telling
I can hear your voice in my head even now

no one can say"Bless your heart"
without me thinking of you

I love how God put such a feisty spirit
in such a faithful body
I love the contrast of you

I adopted you for my own Grandma
blessed by you, long before I was officially family
and you were so easy to love
so encouraging and sweet to me

I will miss having you here
I will miss seeing you look up
to your grand sons
and watching them tease you
and then give you hugs

and seeing you hold Grandpas hand

and loving your boys

witnessing your awesome love of God.

there are so many little things...
that will keep you alive in my memory

and like fireflies in a jar
your life will go on twinkling
and fascinating me.

~C

Thursday, August 19

heart of the matter

heart on my sleeve
I am sad
now I am happy
but it is no indication
of my true heart
that beats within my chest
that is fueled by spirit
thats rhythm calls your name
that is fueled by the blood
that you shed
so I could really live

~C

peace dweller

where do you spend your time
where do you dwell
where do you tie up your energy
well?
do you ponder His goodness
do you wonder in awe
at the blessings He's given
at the awesomeness of it all?
or do you mull over the misfortune
and doubt why you are here
do you curse your existence
and face life in fear?
invest your time wisely
fight for your rest
and take your time finding
out what He meant for your best!
time is fleeting
power is in prayer
and lost in wandering
hold fast to the optimism
He planted in your heart
hold tight to the promises
as if they were some kind of chart
that will take you
transcend you
through space and time
to a place where you can handle anything
because of your perspective of mind!

~C

compassion glasses

You are being ugly
saying things
you may later wish you could retract
and I could let you hurt me
let scars form from your lack of tact
but I won't
and I will choose to put on my compassion glasses
so I can see the "hurt you" inside the "mean you"
the hurting within
that lashes out and wants to infect
I can see past all of that
deep deep down
where your wound is festering
where it does not heal
because you do not let it
maybe you don't know how
so I see into that place
and I pray for you
I see past the harshness of you
into the wounds of you
so I can pray for you
and I am not offended
just thankful that I can see you
as God intended

~C

Sunday, August 8

Reel me back in

Ouch
that hurt
that thing you said
and I went into my room
and climbed into bed
and I cried in my pillow
and I boo-hooed
all sad
but then before too long
out to confront
the lie before it grew
I went out to talk to you
and you listened
you apologized
you hugged me with a sorry
and it was resolved
before it ever
got too out of hand
God you have such a way
of reeling me back in

~C

Itchy

My relationship with you
like that sweater
that hugs me nicely
that suits my taste
keeps me warm too
but then....

I notice it is itchy
probably 10% wool
but suddenly it feels like 50% fast
and no matter how good it seems
I have to take it off
and I cannot justify
all those other things....

God's voice overrides
the temporary pleasures
that we find in the places
we were not meant to stay in

~C

Monday, July 26

Nuh Night

"good night" (pause) "good night"
"that is one for Jesus, and one for you Mom"

~Skylar Mckenna Milby
(5 & 1/2 years old)

Truth has a voice

Flesh says "I hate him"
and God within you cries out
"I forgave you, so forgive him"

Flesh says "He hurt me shut him out!"
and God softly whispers
"Vengeance is mine, do not harden your heart sweet one"

Flesh says "I can't do it anymore!"
and God smiles and says
"you are right YOU cannot, but EVERYTHING I can do in you as you!"

Flesh says "I do not have what it takes, I'll never measure up"
and God brims with tears as he looks you in the eyes and says
"You precious precious child, you have no idea how very valuable you are to me!"

Flesh says "There is nothing to live for!"
and God laughs a little as He says
"Everything shines with the hope I have in you my child!"

Flesh says "I just give up, I'll stop trying already, I will never conquer my demons"
and God simply says
"Lies will keep you there dear one, but My truth shall set you free, only believe!"

Flesh quiets itself....knowing that for every statement
there is an answer in truth and love waiting
just waiting
to snuff it out!

~C

Smooth Operator

(Of all the analogies for my walk with you
you choose shaven legs....HA!)

You know I like when they are
I don't feel stubble against clean sheets then
When my legs are smooth
I don't feel a thing
but comfy and clean

but just a few days
and I can feel a difference
I feel the awareness remind me
to take the steps
to get back to the place
where I am perfectly comfortable
again

(In you AS you Lord!)
( your word, your voice, your embrace)

~C

A walk through wilderness

His ways are above our ways
and I see this as God being my Dad
in hiking boots
towering above me
because I am his little child
and He holds a map
and He is looking ahead
as if determining which way
WE should go....

and I am too little to see the map
and somehow I know
that even if I could see it
that it would just be a bunch of lines to me
a lot of colorful pictures
that I cannot understand
with my limited thinking
my child's view of things....

but that is the point
God has the map
and HE knows
and not only did He design the map he is holding
He designed it just for me
He mapped out the way
for me to succeed
long before I even needed it
long before I even looked to Him
to take me where I need to go

It isn't my place to doubt Him
or to climb His leg so that I can get a good look
at my map that I cannot even decipher
and it isn't cool to wring my hands
and wonder if He even knows what He is doing

He is my personal guide
the One who designed the mountains
the One who placed each tree in the woods
He knows the land as intimately as he knows me
and all he wants is my hand in faith
to walk beside Him
as he safely leads me

His goal is to get me there
to the very best place he has for me
and along the way he wants to teach me
and He wants to show me all the awesome wonder the world holds
as He steers me around the potholes
as He provides shelter in the down pours
He promises to get me there
that even the storms will move me toward goodness
that His promise like a rainbow
will always be a beacon of Hope in every darkened sky
and that He is with me on the journey
with me always
plugging away at the map
leading me constantly toward my very best
His very best in me!

~C




Sunday, July 25

God my river

The river that runs
that sweeps you quickly down
that sings against rocks
that gurgles and
never ever stops

in the day it rages
at night by moonlight
on and on
and forever can be counted on

to do what rivers do
to go where rivers will go
to forge new ways if it sees fit
and yet we cannot predict it

a life of it's own
with purpose so strong
beaconing to you
to hop on an inner tube
and ride with it,
"just jump on in!"

~C

Obedience

No rulers to slap
your knuckles bloody
no belt to make you reform
He convicts with love
in a voice of compassion
He shows you
with revelation
the pages that are torn

no time outs
that leave you crying
with painful separation
and isolation
He comes to you quickly
pricks the heart of the willing
reminds us of His truth
the stuff that gets MINDS renewed!

no expulsion or dismissal
you cannot be rejected
no matter how rebellious
or how far you run

He's one step behind you
you hide
and He'll find you
not to scorn
Oh no
but to hold you.

~C

double back

Out of touch
a slow pulling away
that sneaks up
that creeks as you tip toe away

an awareness that's haunting
an unspecific calling voice
in the depths of your gut
as you choose to turn away

more persistent is the aching
with a dull unspecific shaking
that does not allow you to ignore

so you turn in to face it
and ask God to name it
so you can once again
feel His hand in yours

A need for his still small voice
a yearning for the fellowship
a familiar embrace missed
from the moment you were set adrift

He wants you back always
and He will get your attention
in creative ways
just stay spiritually aware, awake!

He won't let you get too off track
without making you aware that you are off track
you know something is off
and you come running

back into those huge open arms of Love
back into Grace abounding
back into the light that refines and teaches
as you sit at His feet in waiting.

~C

Thursday, July 22

defensive no more!

We want to feel justified in our actions,
and in our choices
but GOD is our justice
the justice is his
and hidden in it is the TRUTH
He knows the truth,
YOU know the truth,
and it is all good!

You do not have to defend yourself.
Let him work it out,
let HIM present this revelation to others
even if it takes years to open someones eyes to your truth
there will be purpose in it because it is HIS perfect timing!

It all goes back to trust
If you trust in his justice, that He is working all things to good
If you trust that he has got your back
If you trust that he knows exactly what he is doing
then you will not feel the need, to go on and on about how you did not do it
about how you did not mean it that way
He knows your heart
He knows their heart
and HE will untangle everything!

He does not need your help either....there is another jab to our pride!
You just have to release the situation to Him and Trust that he's got it
Let go my friend
do not defend
so much power in the surrender
so much promise from our Father!

~C

Wednesday, July 21

Let it be me

Let me be the one to speak your truth
I am willing to talk it , I am able
Let me be the one to walk your talk
I am willing to walk it, I am able
Let me be the one to comfort, to cheer on
I am willing to hug, to cheer, and I am able
Let me be the one to give a leg up closer to you
I am willing to lift them, I am able
Let me be the one to pray it out with love
I am willing to pray, I am able
Let me be the one to be quiet when they need to talk
I am willing to listen, I am able

Let me be the one to convey what you would convey,
to speak what you would speak,
to love how you would love,
to smile into the hearts of the hurting,
to hold someone like you do when they are breaking,
to lift someone up like you do in their sorrow
to encourage them on their own journey like you love to,
and to speak your truth over and over again
until your revelation kicks in and meets with perfect timing to mend
to renew and to transform!
these individual
precious
lives
each life weighing the same in your arms
each babe that you call your own, your love

to help you love them
is my favorite work
your love is my love Lord!
your heart,
my own

~C

Friday, July 16

Spiritual Buffet

Went to see a speaker tonight
and he talked about how there is this spiritual buffet before us.
We are so tempted to eat from all of it and stuff ourselves
but instead we really should selectively choose just 2 or 3 things to eat
because those suit us the best
because we were designed to eat of specific things
like a secret antidote that makes us invisible
so we can truly walk with the Holy Spirit!

I think sometimes in our lives we want the best of everything,
we don't want to miss out on anything
so we let our greedy soul hoard all we can carry
but we were designed to excel in very specific ways
we were all designed without a carbon copy

we weren't meant or built to indulge in all the world has to offer
nor were we designed to excel in every single spiritual gift
they are offered up but with some we soar and with others we putter
and rather than trying at everything and just doing OK
He meant for us to focus on the strengths he planted within us
He meant for us to grow in them
to do so much more with them

To me it is like high school and trying out for sports
you don't even know what you are great at
until you TRY
and sometimes you are surprised at what trying reveals
what it awakens in you
or brings out in you
a talent you never knew you had!

Spiritually it is the same to me
I try it out and then I can see
what each gift brings out in me
and no doubt through time
I will trade in one for another
as I grow towards the light
as my roots dig deep
I will produce things long from now
that I couldn't bear now.

~C

Tuesday, July 13

Trust

fall back
and I'll catch you
watch
and I'll amaze you
believe
and I'll prove it
ask
and I'll do it
start
and I'll walk with you every step it takes to the finish
holding your hand

~C

Just jump

Up up in the plane you go
a new perspective
from such a height
butterflies
and chills
as you survey
how far the fall is
and the pack on your back
a false sense of protection
compared to your trust in God
you're a fish out of water up here
but you weren't meant to stay
in the windy loud plane
the whole experience
requires much more of you
because nothing is activated
without
the leap
of faith!

~C

Sunday, July 11

faith in hope

hope amidst pain
like a burning flame
like a banner high
in a midnight sky
you hear the flap
and the wind as it snaps
but it goes unseen
blackness thick and haunting
but the something is heard
and felt with the heart
as you wait
for the morning to reveal
an answer

~C

heart strings

jelly fish strings
tangled and burning
around my heart
painful with the clinging
painful with the cutting and removing
painful in the void
and the attachment both
so I am still and I wait
to see what happens
in the still small time between
the sting and the nothing

~C

believe

you may not believe in me
or have the courage to
but I know someone who does
someone who never wavers
who doesn't have doubts
someone who loves me
no matter what
who cheers me on
who wants me to win
who schedules divine appointments
to ensure my success
who runs and runs to catch me
if ever should I fall
who wants to always be near me
who delights if I return His calls
yep, His name is Jesus
He'll love me through and through
and the very same Jesus
is here wanting to love on YOU

~C

hard to hurt

please don't put me in an emotional straight jacket
don't tie me up with lies
don't dangle promises before me
like dead meat gathers flies

the silence speaks the volumes
that you don't
and the strange space between where we were and now are
grows

please don't box me in
a place where may be comfy for you
without considering me
it is cramped in here
and I need to breathe

I need sunshine
even rain
I'll even endure pain
just don't put me back in that box again

taking a step out side the lines
feels strange
like I am going out the window instead of the door
to another place
trying not to offend you
trying to find a way that will not hurt you
like I was hurt

it is not about who did what
it is about loving for the sake of loving
for doing for the sake of doing
for really thinking of and considering
how what I do effects you

I wish that all the choices I made
never hurt the ones I care about
could satisfy the masses
so that I wouldn't have to feel crappy
when I see your heart sink on the outside
though I realize that no answer can satisfy
someone that doesn't have answers for themselves yet
and yet I still want to give the right one
as impossible as that may be

I don't know how not to care
I don't know how not to feel
but I know God placed those things in me
meant as gifts
I just have to choose which way to see
and I will find a way to make peace
with where we are today
and not try to imagine a far off scenario
that may or may not be better
or worse than right now

Offering it up Lord
letting it go
YOU are the only one who knows
take this weary heart Lord
who tries to avoid the hard things sometimes
take this heart that cares and put it in your hands
and mold and shape and form it Lord
make it resemble your own
my heart is yours

~C


sidestep

If I avoid saying it
does that make it any less true?
and if you say it
but then you don't pursue it
is that true either?

drawing out time
may suit us for awhile
but sometimes it feels like a slow death
is time ever squandered
if God can work with anything?
It is as it should be
but still hard
as you are part of me

My main concern is to treat others
the same way I want them to treat me
and for some reason I am still learning
to treat ME like I want to treat ME

Life is like a large set of stairs
and sometimes
when you are weary
just looking at the endless steps
makes you wonder if you will make it
and other times
God gives you all the energy in the world
to fly up them

and tonight I feel daunted
with one new step
a step away

~C


Thursday, July 8

Reflect It

A cheater cheats himself
A hater hates himself
A player plays himself
A lier lies to himself
A doubter doubts himself
A tease teases himself
A manipulator manipulates himself
A worrier worries himself
and
A hoper hopes
A lover loves
A peacemaker brings peace
A patient person breeds patience
A faithful one has faith
A calm person brings calm
because
A reflection is a powerful thing
an unmistakeable boomerang
what we put out is what comes right back
an amazing reason to stay on track
with God's original plan for our lives
instead of embracing so many lies

His best never wavers
His truth is what was
and what IS
what will BE
so why fight that
with a big human tantrum
instead give your hand to him
walk in peace
think in peace
go in peace

~C



Patchwork of friends

Each of my friends
is like a patch,

colorful
or subtle
worn out
or vibrant
torn
or soft
relaxed
or cozy....

and God weaves them all together
and brings support and encouragement
from them
laughter and love
through them
challenges and adversities too

but the sum of them
forms a blanket that comforts me
in all the hard times
I am going through

~C

Monday, July 5

middle place

somewhere in between
that leads to
deciding
wedged in a place
at an angle
that is causing my leg
to fall asleep
where my butt
doesn't quite fit
the seat
when my equilibrium
is outta whack
the world seems upside down
disenchanted
disheartened
and I wonder if it is just
the state I am in
or if the state I am normally in
is keeping me from all that
cooked spaghetti
has all the flexibility
and uncooked has none
life was not meant to be lived
in those extremes
and I reminded of this
when I eat Italian

~C

made in china

If you hide from yourself
then you hide from others
and we don't have to air all the dirty laundry
but we also don't have to lurk in the shadows
to present a polished presentation
is to construct high scaffolding to fall from
to crochet an elaborate lie
is to lie to your very heart
one intricate loop at a time

everything we could ever do to others
we have already done to ourselves
the betrayal you feel and embrace
becomes the loss that hounds you
and seeks you when you are crying out to God
The devil is always there to present the easier way
to run from it, or throw yourself in it
whatever faster way to get in deeper

the way that was formed with cheap materials
made up of parts that corrode quickly
that peels paint to expose what it is really made of

I got it cheap
and I got it now
(right when I wanted it)
but it won't last
it wasn't made to

~C

note to self : delete "trying"

remove trying from your vocabulary
trying is not doing
trying is a word that buys time
so you can keep NOT doing
and doing is an action word
if you cannot walk the talk
and you can only talk it
then it is HALF the testimony
isn't it?

Declare success over your life
say what you know
shout about who you already are in God
embrace the fact that you have arrived
you aren't trying to live
you live
you aren't trying to love
you love
you aren't trying to become
you are

Be forgiving of the process of emotion
while you process the adversity
while you fail at anything
and prepare for the struggle
while you aren't struggling
so you can say, I knew I'd be here
and I know I'll get through this with God
and I know I will get out too
and I was prepared
I was sent into it
trained to expect disorientation
in situations that are foreign to me
but it isn't even about my perception of those things
not even the bullets flying
God is looking out
knowing before I know
perceiving before I can feel it out
warning and placing a little red flag
in the corner of my consciousness
to catch my eye before I can even begin to see

"We are in this together", God says
"if you walk that, and you speak that
if you really live like I am here with you,
You never have to try with me,
don't you see?"

~C



Boxes

The more you compartmentalize
these spaces in your soul
and serve them accordingly
the more masters you create
the more mouths you have to feed

how exhausting to pivot endlessly
from one shady place to another
sorting out choices that do not define you
choices that keep you running
that turn the mirror away
so you are never facing
what needs to be SEEN

seen for what it is
and identified as : of the world
and heard, KNOWING that flesh is speaking
saying what you need to hear
to encourage you
or condemning you
to keep you there
in that insane cycle
that binds and distorts your every move

EXPOSE yourself!
Let all of you be KNOWN
for what you are
let them see what God sees
you cannot hide it anyway
and if you think you can
it just adds to your struggle

slash the ties that bind
true peace is having the freedom
to make awesome choices
that FEED your spirit
not freedom to steal from it
not freedom to do things that haunt you and claw at you
not freedom to prolong God's best for your life
don't play psychological games with yourself
don't even go there

God has his hand over all of it
He watches you
He understands you
and He patiently and lovingly waits
for you to default to Him
so He can make the right choice for you
He understands you
and like a car stalled out on the side of the highway
He knows you are hung up
and he meant for you to be doing 80 down the highway
with the wind in your hair
(side note: what He perceives that to be
and what you perceive that to be could be totally different)

So go in peace my brother
condemnation is not of God
struggle and strife are from the enemy
and fear
well, the bag of tricks is endless
but they are tricks none the less
and they will only trip you up
if you believe in them
so I simply ask you
what do you believe?

~C

Sunday, June 20

No need for the Drama

I used to get so hyped up if a situation developed
like a grey cloud slowly forming
I could feel it
until that cloud swelled with rain
until it just couldn't hold on any longer
and then it fell
I would work myself into a grey place
and fitfully process the emotions that mirrored the color
and then there was drama
born all wet with all that rain

I don't have a lot of drama in my life now
It was a slow process of weeding out
a conscious effort
a new approach
a renewed mind
but I got here

and now I can see the cloud trying to form
way far off in the distance
I can feel the clouds collecting
trying to bring about something unedifying
I see it way in advance
and I am prepared
and I dwell on the truth
and I know that the cloud is not what it seems
that the cloud is not a cloud at all
but a lot of unexpressed emotion
a lot of not knowing where you are
or what you want
and so how can you really tell me?
and that would make me feel frustrated too

So the grey is not literal
meant to scare or harm
it is an outside manifestation
of an inner storm
a struggle that is your own
that I can see and be intimidated and effected by
or one that I can instead recognize as an inner battle
that was never meant to shake me up directly
not my battle to fight
not my decisions to make either
I can pray for you
and I can tell you how I am feeling
but other than that
I am powerless to make a difference for you
it is going to take you facing your own giants
it's really not about me

my choices are not your choices
your choices are meant for you alone
and although they effect others
you are the one that has to live in your head with them
to steer your car have to use your own wheel
to take the first step
you first have to remember
you can walk

There is no need for drama
unless you are getting something out of the drama itself
and I am not needing that anymore
or wanting it

I just want PEACE
and understanding
and GRACE
and lots and lots of LOVE
that surpasses all understanding
that surpasses all need to sort it out
that surpasses anything twisted that could be thrown at me
as it was flying through the air
the comment would be untangled to reveal
what you you really saying
so I could see it for what it was
and it would fall heavy with truth at my feet
and I would simply look at it
and have compassion for you
knowing instantly in my heart
what you really meant to say

~C





YOU know so I don't need to

God YOU know
you know my thoughts
my struggles
what is black
and what is white
I don't have to sort that out
or struggle to know for myself
and that is a good thing
I can just default to you

I just want HEALTHY
I want to lay all my cards on the table
and it would be awesome
if everyone in my life
was willing to do the same
but there is a game
being played by people
who don't even know they are playing
who are entangled in a chain of the past
formed link by link
that weighs them down
but they are used to dragging it God
to the point where they don't know any different
and when they bang around
the chain hits me
sometimes on accident
and sometimes on purpose
and either way,
it hurts

help me to cope with the pain
with the frustration
about the fact that they don't even SEE the chains
that they hurt me with
and just give me your eyes God
and your ears
so I can perceive the situation as YOU perceive it
and help me to be OK with not communicating
because maybe it doesn't even matter
maybe it just makes everything worse

but what if it is ME
and the way I communicate works for all but one
do I find another avenue
or is it about staying true to who you ARE?
tell me God
teach me
school me
I really really want to know.

~C

Sunday, June 13

Arms of love

your arms
that hold
and comfort
with strength
and sincerity
and love
that conveys
what your heart
says
with your mouth
that confirms
with words
what you can't hide
because
your arms
convey it
first

~C

Self confidence born of trust

I am OK
right now
the way I am
it is not
tomorrow I will be good
or
when I complete this
or when I do that I will be somebody
you are somebody this very second
divinely purposed
an amazingly beautiful one and only YOU
inspired
and fully equipped through God
to do every awesome thing
you were created to accomplish in this life
so dwell on the fact
that what God completed in you
He WILL finish
and also
that all things work to GOOD
and that
every little thing happens for a reason
and God saw it all before it ever happened
so what are you wiggin out for?
isn't that all so comforting??

~C

New old love

There is a way of seeing
a newness born out of oldness
when you don't limit yourself
a renewed vision
of something you thought you drove past
but now you see it in a new light
and because of where you are right now
you become aware of the fact
that you are not who you used to be
and what you saw then
is not what you see now
even how you take everything in is different
because you are not who you were then
and your eyes perceive the same thing in a new way
some things are more precious and appreciated
some things clearly defined
or rejected
but not with drama either
simply seen for what they are
and accepted or not accepted
and life goes on
from a new platform you view your life
forever seeing a new vision
that will ultimately shift and change again
and that is OK too
something to look forward to
knowing that we will always be changing
and that the key to that
is just to keep learning

~C

We can not be over priced!

The lady was ranting and raving about the one thousand dollar hand bag
going on and on about what an outrage that is
and how the quality doesn't justify the price
and really just how ridiculous it is....

and what I see is a spiritual porthole into what she is really ranting about
the lie that is being bought into
the injustice of worth placed in an inanimate object
one that doesn't carry it's weight in value
and one that will not last

and God booms from the heavens
YOU ARE THE VALUE
it is not in anything you can buy
or attain
it is in your spirit
and God's ability to live out of your spirit

put the price tag on what really holds value
your self worth is weighed down in riches galore
and it overflows with the value that God has placed in you
every possibility to express every good thing that God has for the world
and you have precious ears to hear all that
and precious eyes to see it
and a heart that is sensitive to FEEL it too
and hands and feet that can carry a message of love for Him

all these attributes that will keep you connected
so you will be reminded often
that you are worthy of the purpose he placed with you
the true prize that God has placed in this world IN you
the real living riches this life has to offer
let's live in that!

and maybe your pinky nail is worth a thousand million dollars
and that is just the tip of that ice burg!

~C


Thursday, June 10

check the freak meter

The very core of me
the part of me that is spirit
is quiet and calm
and serene
but I can feel something outside
forming
and weighing
but it doesn't make the core of me waver
The heaviness is separate
and being spiritually aware
I know it is growing on me like a vine
the kind that covers the top
and steals the light
but before it can close in
I start ripping it off
and I suck out the drama
with a big turkey baster
and I keep my freak meter in check
no freaking out today
that is what God does
sorts the lies from the truth
so the lies can be ditched
so the truth can be formed
into an invincible sword
that slices and dices those vines
and the weight is lifted
your branches are free again
and your calm spirit never wavered
through any of it

~C

Light


You have the light
that they don't have
because you are not them
and even if the light that you have
may not be the light they can see right now
it is still light
but not the kind of light that you can shine on them
at least not right now
right now it is harsh
and hurts their eyes
maybe later they can see it better
but maybe not
we were not all meant to shine on everyone
your light was meant for you
and if God needs you to share
He has the power to dim your light
so it can be seen
or how to shine that light right through you
at just the perfect angle
that not only will it shine
but send out a spectrum of rainbows
that will open minds
and hearts
and only he knows when
and only he knows how
you were just meant to be open to that

~C



God's time not ours

Everyone blossoming
at their own pace

in their time
in God's time

and there is no forcing it
no running a race

it's in their time
in God's time

no use forcing
or grumbling about their slow pace

in their time
in God's time

this isn't about you
and the answers not in the chase

it's in their time
in God's time

so relax in knowing
in embracing what is

in their time
in God's time

it will all come together
with faith, patience is fierce

in their time
in God's time

and the fruit from surrender
will come down in tears

in their time
in God's time

~C

from the top

this intertwined mystery of life
where my journey weaves into yours
and everything is connected to everything else
where coincidence is the norm
because there is none
only divine appointments
where we seek to learn from
every situation
and every situation an opportunity
to fly or fail
every argument
a chance to grow or wither
every adversity and tragedy
a golden opportunity to extract
the living truth
of how we were made broken to really live!

So hand over your personal "choose your own adventure" book
stop selecting your own way
and give God the reigns
can you really let go?
and have faith and trust in his choices for your life
can you let each day unfold like a new chapter
filled with possibilities and mysteries God creates for you
not for you to try and figure out
but to learn and grow in
to look for the hidden jewel of knowledge
that belongs in each new clue
(sometimes hidden in what appears to be a pile of junk)

because if we surrender
life becomes a Ferris wheel
that we climb onto and ride to amazing heights
and it is only when we step on
and leave the comfort of the solid ground
that we submit to God's will
that we can reach the top where it all becomes clear
He takes us to where we can see what He does
the big picture is clear
because of our change of view!

~C

you know that you know

The world is not what we see
that is what is so tricky
we get all hung up with what we can see
with our own eyes
but there is so much more going on
that can only be seen in faith
that can only be felt in the heart
and confirmed with discernment
and validated in ways that cannot be made touchable

so that they are doubted and scrutinized
but not for the ones who feel it
and know in their heart of hearts
you can try to wring it out of us
or convince us otherwise
but we know what we know
we are convinced in divine circumstance
and it is knitted in our hearts
by seeing the love spread

and it dwells in perfect timing and interconnectedness
this bond that weaves out and reaches
that touches and prunes
and edifies and molds
it pushes us to our best
and quiets our deepest inner voice

so we can hear
so that we can know
that we know
that we know
that God really does exist
and is ALIVE
and loving
through us
now

~C

Door #3

We tend to limit our choices
and cannot fathom that they are infinite
that would overwhelm us
so we focus on 2 options
this or that
door #1 or door #2
should we move or not move?
have a baby or not have a baby?
buy a boat or not buy a boat?
and God watches us patiently
watches how we weigh our own lives
and choices
and in a still small voice he asks
"Did you want to ask me?
I have door #3"

~C

No titles No boxes

God wants to strip away the titles
"Oooooh but he is the CEO of the company, that's big"
we congratulate ourselves on earth
but God doesn't need titles to convey love
titles do not define who you are

You may be a wife or a mother
a father, a husband
but that is not WHO you are
It is the relationship that matters
not the title

It is the essence of YOU
who is YOU
it is what YOU bring into the relationship
that makes it significant
it is all the specific qualities that make you unique
it is God's perfect design
his perfect blueprint of who he intended you to be

that is YOU

if you are tied to all of your titles
then when you lose them
who are you?
Like untying a balloon
it floats away into the clouds
and leaves you wondering
where your self worth just flew off to

or like a boy scout
with all those badges
all that work to earn each one
and then what if we take that away?
so much invested in outside merit
and God pleads for you to invest in your heart
and in others

to GIVE to RECEIVE
to love thy neighbor as thy SELF

we distract ourselves by doing all these other things
by trying to measure up in the world
and even when we feel the paybacks for all that hard work
are few or far between
we still choose to climb back onto the hamster wheel
and keep on truckin
constantly bombarded
and convinced to buy into
a worldly concept of validation and acceptance

but you can strip away the titles
so that God can show you how he destined for you to live
out of your spirit fully
bound by nothing
unlimited resources for the taking
a gorgeous freedom of a future
in the making!

~C


any struggle

We bind ourselves
we tie the knots that keep us bound
and then forget we ever tied them
or wonder at them
but never try
at loosening them
we adapt to being tethered
and we learn not to struggle

struggling hurts
or makes us feel uncomfortable
or reminds us of the fact that we are bound
and that just makes us feel sad

so we move less
become complacent
and we adapt
to our inner imaginary jail
that we slowly bought into
and invested in
but that began
as a simple
little
lie

~C

Quality not Quantity

God is all about Quality and so am I
my sister jokes that I am a food snob
because I like those really baby carrots
the ones that cost more
but I swear they are sweeter
and that I digest them better
can't I just like them?

But seriously no one likes stale crackers
my Dad will eat them because he doesn't want to waste them
but I bet you he is not loving them either

my point is would you rather eat 2 fresh crackers
or get a whole pack of stale ones?

If you have a whole pantry teeming with food
but most of it is out of date, or stale...you may have quantity
but you don't have quality
I want quality any day
it is why I can barely eat at McDonalds anymore

but my point is
that God wants to give us a life chock full of QUALITY experiences
but we usually go for the quantity
so we feel like we are not missing out on anything
so we fool ourselves into thinking we are really "living" life
we see his quality not for what it is
but as a lack of quantity
and that is all we can focus on

it is our own issues that keep us from God's best
we convince ourselves that we know better
and then we congratulate ourselves
on the fact that we MUST know better than God

scary!

quality, quality, quality
search your life for it
search your soul
has it got QUALITY stamped all over it??

God stamped you all over
the moment you accepted him into your life
and maybe all it takes is getting out the back light
to see all those stamps shining in neon in a dark room
because in the day you forget them
and in the daylight you so easily forget
that you are totally APPROVED!

~C


Monday, June 7

I want to add

I want to add (+) not take away (-)
God is a lover of addition
and satan loves subtraction
if you are still and you listen
you will be able to know who is in your head
at any given time
because their language is the same as their mission
to build you up or tear you down
who is speaking to you now??

a voice that adds and focuses on what you DO HAVE
very grateful and thankful, focused on your blessings
your strengths, your awesome fulfillment and trust in someone greater than you
yeah, that's God

a voice that tears you down and distracts
says you are not measuring up
that you don't have what it takes
that maybe TOMORROW you might have something to offer
but definitely not today
that's the robbers voice
the one who wants to steal from you
take from you
destroy you

so tune in
know who is speaking
and if it isn't adding to your life
then refuse to let it take away from it
change the station
even listen to static for a moment if you have to to clear your mind
but then find God
find his voice
recognize his truth in your thought process
and let the blessings to your life be multiplied!

~C