waiting to understand

I am standing in a room screaming at the top of my lungs and there is no sound we are arguing but it is silent all raw emotion and furrowed brows downcast eyes and tears canceled out by all the years each word silenced because it has been said before obvious signs of disregard just moving lips a dance we've done forever predictable steps memorized filtered through memories trips us up with wounding familiar in the way of knowing but craziness to seek peace through growling you misunderstand me I misunderstand you but a common goal is sought it is called closure it is agreed it is an agreed need the goal : to move on from here ~C

had enough done but not done for done flailing but not drowning I don't want to look anymore even if I know that you are there to face it hurts worse so I don't go there if the decisions I make today are based on the joy and pain I experienced yesterday how can I not referance certain things how can I explain how I am feeling now without mentioning that which I arrived at from then I want you to want me even as I am we all have our faults the things that are not ideal but we make room to breathe no one wants the plastic bag over their lives suffocating them with what they will never be creating a tunnel to only one way out my way or the highway instead, figure it out there are 3 doors not 2 and 3 sides too many options not one love compromises love is fun love is patient love is kind love does not boast and I would hope it also does not roast the one it loves over hot coals I look around and tsk tsk tsk the job you do I am not satisfied with it are you willing to compromise eve

I cannot hear you any more I cannot hear you over the roar of my own engine my self loathing and my regret my pain and my sorrow my guilt that bleeds into tomorrow I cannot hear you pleading it might as well be bleating it makes my ears hurt what you say goes through a scrambler of my own making so that it comes out all wrong riles up my thinking if I am defensive you won't know I am leaking that I am drowning that I am roting and reeking spray the lysol disenfect the discord sterylize the loss with gloved hands I can now touch the sacred preserved inards of the heart of me the part of me I give to nobody an island wild and deserted and unrefined secluded to a fault starving for an appreciative eye meant for greatness but over protected with many many guns don't let 'um in and I ensure it will never be changed but oh then it will never change things can never change ~C

Don't hate me for being me for not conforming to you you cannot say with distain that I am so predictible and then praise me for my consistancy you cannot love me for being laid back but then complain that I am not a neat freak I do not pick at you I do not like being picked at for me there seems to be a theme of nothing ever being good enough of not quite ever measuring up and I cannot live like that cannot see the love through your sneer and with the same eye that glares at me you cannot wink at me it wrecks me I let it why do I do that when I have a choice? you run in real life I run in my mind reeling and searching for a way up over and out of the swirling rip tide I struggle when I should relax and kick back ride it out by letting go how exactly does one do that I want to do that ~C

It is not what you do that counts but with whom you do it with a perspective that has magic with a cheerful attitude that exudes joy that finds beauty in the simplest things and makes a vacation out of the every day ~C

You are not made of clay I can not shape you into someone else I can not tweak you or alter you in some big way I cannot force you or even encourage you it seems to be the version of you that would be better for me so I am letting go I am accepting you for YOU I am downplaying the negative I am turning up the positive I am highlighting your attributes and dwelling on the times and ways you were too good to be true You are who you are and I cannot mold you into anyone else and I do not want to I just don't want you to hurt me I won't let you You are God's He created you so I will defer to Him and when we differ I will hand you over I will ask Him to come in to every situation where we clash and we don't agree and I will ask him to speak right to you right to me Ask him to soften hearts and give us His eyes to love His heart of patience of compassion all gifts from above and I will trust that He is working all things to our good no matter what they seem to me at that time

How touching your trusting me enough to come knock on my door and burst into tears fall into my open arms for comfort How touching as if exposing your underbelly your vulnerability and trusting me with all of you I don't take it lightly being here for you a high point of my every day The raw stuff is the guts of it to not edit your life show the truth of it It is what makes our friendship real it's what makes you YOU and me ME and I rather let my hair down and really know you then fake it and save face for the sake of it I value our approach the candid reality of how we choose to be no airbrushing or special lighting we are what we get we get what we are You understand me sometimes better than I understand myself you teach me you warn me you encourage me you love me I truly think God gives us friends to balance out the holes that occur in life in family He knew before He created our lives that we'd need that help Someone who truly understands someone who will sincerely pray