Wednesday, May 11

eye on the goal

I am standing in a room
screaming at the top of my lungs
and there is no sound
we are arguing
but it is silent
all raw emotion and furrowed brows
downcast eyes and tears
canceled out by all the years
each word silenced because it has been said before
obvious signs of disregard
just moving lips
a dance we've done forever
predictable
steps memorized
filtered through memories
trips us up with wounding
familiar in the way of knowing
but craziness
to seek peace through growling
you misunderstand me
I misunderstand you
but a common goal is sought
it is called closure
it is agreed
it is an agreed need
the goal :
to move on from here

~C

dry tank

had enough
done
but not done for
done flailing
but not drowning
I don't want to look anymore
even if I know that you are there
to face it hurts worse
so I don't go there
if the decisions I make today
are based on the joy and pain I experienced yesterday
how can I not referance certain things
how can I explain how I am feeling now
without mentioning that which I arrived at from then
I want you to want me
even as I am
we all have our faults
the things that are not ideal
but we make room to breathe
no one wants the plastic bag over their lives
suffocating them with what they will never be
creating a tunnel to only one way out
my way or the highway
instead, figure it out
there are 3 doors not 2
and 3 sides too
many options
not one
love compromises
love is fun
love is patient
love is kind
love does not boast
and I would hope
it also does not roast
the one it loves over hot coals
I look around and tsk tsk tsk
the job you do
I am not satisfied with it
are you willing to compromise
even if I am not?
are you willing to....
are you willing at all?
and so I ask myself too...


~C

stay out

I cannot hear you any more
I cannot hear you over the roar of my own engine
my self loathing
and my regret
my pain and my sorrow
my guilt that bleeds into tomorrow
I cannot hear you pleading
it might as well be bleating
it makes my ears hurt
what you say goes through a scrambler of my own making
so that it comes out all wrong
riles up my thinking
if I am defensive you won't know I am leaking
that I am drowning
that I am roting and reeking
spray the lysol
disenfect the discord
sterylize the loss
with gloved hands I can now touch the sacred preserved inards
of the heart of me
the part of me I give to nobody
an island wild and deserted and unrefined
secluded to a fault
starving for an appreciative eye
meant for greatness
but over protected with many many guns
don't let 'um in
and I ensure it will never be changed
but oh
then it will never change
things can never change

~C

rip tide

Don't hate me for being me
for not conforming to you
you cannot say with distain that I am so predictible
and then praise me for my consistancy
you cannot love me for being laid back
but then complain that I am not a neat freak
I do not pick at you
I do not like being picked at
for me there seems to be a theme
of nothing ever being good enough
of not quite ever measuring up
and I cannot live like that
cannot see the love through your sneer
and with the same eye that glares at me
you cannot wink at me
it wrecks me
I let it
why do I do that
when I have a choice?
you run in real life
I run in my mind
reeling and searching
for a way up over and out
of the swirling rip tide
I struggle
when I should relax and kick back
ride it out
by letting go
how exactly does one do that
I want to do that

~C

what counts

It is not what you do that counts
but with whom you do it
with a perspective that has magic
with a cheerful attitude that exudes joy
that finds beauty in the simplest things
and makes a vacation out of the every day

~C

Friday, May 6

S & J

You are not made of clay
I can not shape you into someone else
I can not tweak you
or alter you in some big way
I cannot force you
or even encourage you it seems
to be the version of you
that would be better for me
so I am letting go
I am accepting you for YOU
I am downplaying the negative
I am turning up the positive
I am highlighting your attributes
and dwelling on the times
and ways
you were too good to be true

You are who you are
and I cannot mold you into anyone else
and I do not want to
I just don't want you to hurt me
I won't let you

You are God's
He created you
so I will defer to Him
and when we differ
I will hand you over
I will ask Him to come in
to every situation
where we clash and we don't agree
and I will ask him to speak right to you
right to me

Ask him to soften hearts
and give us His eyes to love
His heart of patience
of compassion
all gifts from above
and I will trust that He is working
all things to our good
no matter what they seem to me
at that time
no matter what I think you should
have said or should have done

God knows you best
He knows me best
and He can do anything
with anything
make something
out of nothing
take our relationship
and cause waves
to become glassy calm water
He can renew our relationship
again and again
until the arguments are few and far between
and more so
we regard each other in love
I see you for you
you see me for me
and He transforms us
into what He meant for us to be
together
mother & daughter

~C

Sue

How touching
your trusting
me enough to
come knock on my door
and burst into tears
fall into my open arms
for comfort

How touching
as if exposing your underbelly
your vulnerability
and trusting me
with all of you

I don't take it lightly
being here for you
a high point
of my every day

The raw stuff
is the guts of it
to not edit your life
show the truth of it

It is what makes our friendship real
it's what makes you YOU
and me ME
and I rather let my hair down
and really know you
then fake it
and save face
for the sake of it

I value our approach
the candid reality
of how we choose to be
no airbrushing
or special lighting
we are what we get
we get what we are

You understand me sometimes
better than I understand myself
you teach me
you warn me
you encourage me
you love me

I truly think God gives us friends
to balance out the holes that occur
in life
in family
He knew before
He created our lives
that we'd need that help

Someone who truly understands
someone who will sincerely pray for us
with us
and lift us up
to cheer us on
to wave from the stands
and declare that they are
our number one fan

I am that to you
you are that to me
and I will forever be grateful
that God wove your life
together with mine
that He meant for us
to be
in each others lives
so significantly

~C