Monday, November 30

No Need To Defend

Why do I feel the need to defend myself so much?
Explain and elaborate and strain to be understood?
I know who I am
I know what I want
and I know what I stand for...
Why am I so afraid of being the bad guy?
Of being portrayed as an underachiever
or an overachiever
or a bitch?
keep my BOUNDARIES
and have the guts to tell someone to BACK OFF!
I'm getting there
still learning to remain quiet
while being confident
in who I am

~C

Deposit Withdrawls

There's an invisable key around my neck
that materalizes
when you walk back into my life
the key unlocks a lockbox
stored away in the bank of my heart
a place reserved with a love I have
for only you

and when you go
it feels like breaking
a withdrawing
that always takes time
and so I lock up the love
and put the box back
and I put the key back
and I am left
wondering....

~C

Wednesday, November 18

Bright Light Holidays

What is it about special occasions that bring everything into the bright light?
Like at my cousin's wedding when she dedicated that song ,
that I meant to dedicate to my Mom at my wedding,
and never did get to,
and now my Mom's in heaven...
and this dedicated song years later has me and my Brother, and his wife and my aunt and who ever else bawling...tears flying....
bright light illuminating her absence...

and here comes Thanksgiving...que the SPOT LIGHT
and it is the first BIG holiday for me to face after being divorced...
and I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and it just makes me miss my Mom.
Because I knew I belonged where ever she was.
So many sweet invitations from friends and family to go on my own to places and celebrate with them, and leave this holiday to Bri to be with the kids...
In reality we are going to have to start taking turns with the holidays right??
Otherwise it is unhealthy or strange to celebrate with his family as if nothing has changed??
Is it?
What if we are mature about it, is it better then?
Is it less weird then?
Ugh...I hate this...it's so unfair and weird and uncomfortable.
I wish I could wish it away.
I am just left feeling so emotional.
So displaced and detached from my old reality, the stark truth that I have no idea what my life is supposed to look like and that I don't have a definition as to where I am.

Dad, and Mom in heaven and step Mom and Step Dad and grama and grampas and grama and grampas in heaven, and step grama and step aunts and step brothers and sisters and a sister and brother and sister in laws and brother in laws and now what do you call the in-law family you knew as your own for 10 years but now are no longer??
Are they once removed or just removed?
(That was a joke...when things get too heavy you have to laugh so you don't cry.)

I guess the answer is that titles don't matter, labels don't define...
it all boils down to the LOVE that remains.
Some of my closest family members are my dearest friends.
Some of the most lovely people in my life can never dine with me again...
So I choose to just be THANKFUL for the huge diverse family that I have and I know deep down that all that matters is that we're joined by mutual love for each other and no titles are needed, no distinct understanding of the current situation is needed to warrant an invitation.
An invitation is there anyway, because there is love.
and everything is going to be OK
whatever "OK" looks like.
I don't pretend to know.
So bring on Christmas then....
I am ready to accept it for what it will be...
imperfectly.

~C

Be the change you want to see in the world

I love that saying.
I realize that my reality starts with me...it's all in how I take it all in, how I perceive the world. How I grow and change, what I put into my head and even what I choose to take out. Who I am to the people in my life...every interaction, a chance for God to work through me...
and I want to get it right!
I know it is a process, and I know I will stumble and fall endlessly
but it is in the striving to get it right, that I will get it right sometimes! It is our willingness to take it on, our determination to be what we say we want to be!
It is so obvious how we effect others, as if an experiment, I want you to start to notice how people react to you, listen to the feed back they give you in words or even with body language...
I am amazed at how the more I give of myself, so much more do I receive...
encouragement and praise and so much love.
Getting it back is so rewarding and addicting! I just want to give more to get more!
Like anything that grows, so has my spiritual life branched out and is now casting shade to filter the overbearing sun in some people's lives...
Oh to make just a small difference for GOOD in any ones life is so precious!
To comfort or hug someone on their bad day, or to pray life into their existence and encourage them on! To cheer for them and rejoice in their achievements,
or mourn with them over the saddest of losses and struggles. To hold their hand as they examine their wounds and help to dislodge old beliefs that have hurt them for so long!
To play even the smallest role in their story, where you gave them a leg up, a meaningful understanding look, or let them tell their story while they cried....
I am so blessed to be on the journey I am!
To realize the tenderness God gave me to be so effected by His love and the love he has to give the world through me. What a gift to KNOW it and FEEL it, what an honor to embrace it and RUN with it!
How significant this year has been...33 years into this life of mine!
How I look forward to growing with God, to go further and more deeply understand what he has planned for me!
It is so exciting to be finding that out!

~C

1:11

Hello God...I see you are checking in
that you have found a new way to remind me of your love!
That you are here to encourage me
and give me the strength I need to do anything and everything,
that you will show me which way to go if only I ask you!
When I happen to see the time 1:11 now,
I take a moment to reflect on what I mean to you
and then
to reflect on what you mean to me
and I am so thankful
and so grateful too, that you have found a new way to remind me
so often,
to check in just to say that you love me.
I love you too!

~C