Wednesday, March 30

Mind Garden

my mind is a garden
where I have planted many things
where you have also planted
you have a section to the far back left

and all the things you planted
they are not all daisies
and buttercups
there are those thorny weeds
the ones that cut me
and no matter how I try to cut them back
they seem determined to choke out
the parts of the garden full of color and life

each memory a petal on a flower of love
you once showed me
blooming for a time and then gone
for a winter
and then back again when I least expect it

and that goes for the weeds too
things remembered
and the thorns with it
and with those memories
not the same first pain
but pain born from its generations before
of seasons long ago
when you first planted it here

God
the great gardener
not only knows how to tend
but designed every species
designed every weed
has an understanding of the mix
far greater and beyond me

so I trust him to tell me what to weed out
and there are times He has me just sitting
just taking in the beauty of a new unfolding flower
and there are times
that he asks me
to take a hold of the thorniest of weeds
and pull
and fight
and struggle
to get it up
to get it out

such a complicated garden
a spot for everyone that has touched my mind
with their influence
with their thoughts
with every word they said
every compliment
every insult too
a seed that was planted in their plot
in their section
of my garden

and some days I don't feel that I ever have enough time
to weed fast enough
or choose wisely enough
which weeds should be dug out first
I rather be tending the flowers....
I always
rather be doing that

but when I involve God
the stress of deciding what to do slips away
He brings me before the plant He needs tending to
in the moment (for me)
and He has perfect directions
knows how to get to the root of a weed
with the least trouble

so now when I feel myself going there
without Him
and poking around in the various plots
in this gigantic garden of thought
and feel myself becoming overwhelmed
feel myself becoming consumed
or drawn toward a part
that could really hurt me
if I went there myself
maybe a part that
God would not have me go to yet
and I catch myself then

I default to God's plan
I rely on Him to show me
and in the moment I turn to Him
and grab his hand
and instead
step into the garden WITH Him
in that moment
there is peace
there is a knowing

that no matter how out of control
the garden will ever look to me
no matter what it seems
to my meager human eye
what GOD always sees is bigger
always brighter
filled with sunshine and roses
and daisies and posies
He sees it finished
He sees it at its best

and His best for me includes fewer weeds
a plan to tend to the garden so efficiently
that it can then
help itself
it defaults to memories of love
that bloom far more often
with the help of His miracle grow....

so invite God into the garden of your mind
Let Him show you what He has planned
Let him prune and fertilize and weed with you
so you can be at peace in a place
He meant
for GOOD.

~C

Sin Defeated

Let sleeping giants lie
lest they be awakened
and reminded,
they should be terrorizing
your town

Your strength remains
in keeping them
tied down
and by your strength
I mean His

~C




Tuesday, March 29

Get cozy

Come get cozy
just BE with me
where holding me
is your only distraction
and your time
is an offering

where you kiss the top of my head
and tell me you love me
where you hold my little hand
and ponder a time
when I was littler

your time holding me
means more
than all the things you could accomplish
in that same amount of time
without me

and even though I do not even know all you do for me
it is not about me appreciating any of those things
it is what I process in my heart
what I feel about my childhood
and what I come to know, to learn

and what better thing to know
then the confines of your hugs
your arms around me
and the comfort of them?

there will come a time
where I will not even fit into your lap
and I will not invite you quite like this
a time where our closeness
will be something completely different

and so for now...
hold me
"get cozy"
my Mommy

~C

The Truth...please

don't tell me what I want to hear
even if I beg you
don't sugar coat it
I rather have the truth
too long living in a place where I created my own
I no longer want to make a bed of lies
at the cost of my youth

be real with me
I can handle it
I rather deal with it now
not later

and deliver it
knowing that I will receive it
I promise I won't return to sender
no matter the truth
it is truth that I seek
no amount of fluffing it up
will minimize the impact
it is what it is
telling me
is better

and time does not heal all wounds
time just draws it out
and dulls the pain for a moment
until you think of it again
like skinning your knee
again and again
in the same exact spot
and
I don't want to fall anymore
not in that way
again

I rather learn
and apply my learning
make something of my loss
but your truth is the key
to unlocking the pattern
the mental trigger
that will allow me to heal
in even a small way
that will allow peace

a time in my life unfinished
a time I have yet to understand
but you can help me now
for later
even though
I know
I will never fully know
all there is to know
ya know?

~C


Friday, March 18

Check it

I have designer luggage
you notice it with envy
and through my designer shades
I notice you noticing
it is what I counted on
you really think I got it going on
and I bought that thought
or I mean I am paying it off....
like the luggage

If I distract you with the outside of things
maybe you will be satisfied enough
to not want to look within
I am more comfortable with that
so don't try

because packed inside
I neatly folded my bitterness
next to my unforgiveness
and next to that, my resentment
it is strategically placed next to my rejection
as to not make wrinkles
and with my toothbrush
my contempt
and tucked into a deep side pocket
my broken heart

to the x-ray scanner these things look like clothing
but to me they are as weapons 
and my only aim, is to conceal them

but this still small voice says almost inaudibly
to "check it"
and as I heed it
and do it
I instantly know I will not need the claim ticket
I won't be picking it back up again

~C


Not how you think...

Alone
most of our lives
we spend emotionally alone
feeling alone
(whether we are alone or not)
yearning for more
for a connection
that never seems to come
we look out
instead of in
to find meaning
anything that will fill this void
this blank place
that hates being empty
and aches for fulfillment
that cries out
in the neediest voice
until we realize
until God rushes in
and rewrites our patterns
and renews our minds

and suddenly

the same scene is transformed
into something else
and you become your own best friend
you learn what you love
you feel connected
to your purpose in a way
you could have never imagined
not before
but thankfully, now
even though you are still
alone
you are never
now, a fullness in your heart that pushes out
that consumes you
your smile
in the middle of nowhere
for no one but you
because you do not need a person to validate being
you love being you
you love being
you love you
and someone else
could only add to all that

~C

Knowing when to hang up....

I wonder if I am destined to be attracted and drawn to men
who are emotionally or physically unavailable.
These guys who want my attention and affections
but are able to call the shots and distance themselves from me
when ever they feel the need.
My friends urge me to "let go"
as if I have a choice in the matter, choice in the timing.

It is God's perfect time that I will let go isn't it?
My perfect time combined with His?

I am not willingly shackling myself to the dungeon wall thank you very much.
I do not drag around this emotional ball and chain with delight....
and REALLY, it is not a ball and chain.
It is more like this subtle realization that the connection is still not lost.
As if the line has not been dropped even though the other person has hung up.
There is only silence on the other end now,
but I find some tid bit of satisfaction in the fact that I AM still connected.
Is it a control thing?
That even though the other person chose to drop off, I do not have to choose that also....
is it my only connection left?
I do not want to make this connection, and me holding on to it, my reality.
I do not want to get used to walking around with a crick in my neck because I have incorporated this phone to my ear, just so that, this connection is not lost.

The realization comes in knowing that even though I remain there,
there is no possible way for that other person to rejoin me on the line.
To make any other sort of connection with anyone again, I have to hang up the phone.
EVEN if the new connection happens with that same person that chose to hang up.
By staying on the line, hanging there in silence, and holding on....
I prevent ANY new connection from ever happening.

No matter how we are USED to staying on the line, it doesn't make it edifying.....and however comforting, isn't it just holding on to something lost?
Preventing something else from being found?

~C

Thursday, March 10

and he wonders

from the backseat I hear a little voice ask
"Mommy what is your name?"
It is so neat that he wonders this out of the blue...
"Christie" I say
"Oh, Christie, I like that name"
"Thanks Bud, I like your name too!"
"Daddy and I got to pick your name!"

So for the first time
this little man
who is so grown up already
says my name
calls me something other than Mommy

and the significance of that
hangs in the air
my baby
becomes a boy
in that moment.

~C