Monday, October 6

hooked

Addiction is a crazy thing
that causes suffering
that pulls you down
then holds you down
until you stop resisting

It seems like it adds
while it takes away
and by the time you realize what is going on
it is too late

you are hooked
line and sinker
you're hooked in a way
that only something drastic
will enable you to get away

It steals from you and robs you blind
and leaves you stumbling
always searching to find....

peace and balance
eluding you
always just beyond reach
and that voice that calls you back into darkness
again
says "it's not everything its cracked up to be"

The fight,
is a fight for all of you
the fight only you
can win
don't let just getting by be enough for you
don't let satan pin you to the mat and get the best of you
you are so much better than that


~C


Sunday, November 24

These things I don't want to do

I do not want to say or do anything
that confirms the lies you believe about you

I do not want to think or feel the wanting for the thing
that does not lead me back to you

I don't want to keep making choices that prove to you
I don't really love you

I do not want to do the thing
that I do not want to do....

So it is when I find myself walking in that direction
that I pause
that I wait
willing myself to remember the goal
the dream

40,000 key locks on one gate...
that I put there myself
to stop me from going in
from going there again
and sabotaging the life God destined for me,

And then I turn
and I run
the other way
away from what takes away
away from the thing I always perceived as giving to me
the getting...never a gain
never worth the loss, the cost....
never worth
losing us for
never worth
losing me for.

~C

Monday, August 26

mind over matterS

A decision to love yourself
to put YOU first
instead of waiting for leftovers
or being the leftovers
or letting the leftovers of your heart choose for you

I have this uncanny way of waiting for something
like I am eternally at a bus stop
and I have grown accustomed with not going anywhere
as if I am waiting for someone to walk up
and hand me a ticket
where THEY think I should go

But I know me
I know what I like
and what I don't
and I have ideas of where I'd like to go....
the tricky part is the "here to there" part
the puzzling thing is that I rather spend my time dreaming
and not all the time GOING
and then I feel like a loser for not going
and then I just get sad

and so on and so on

Choosing change
has to do with just doing it
with accomplishing something little
and then something more
building something
and believing in yourself,
that it is within your capacity

Believing God has an adventure past your doorstep
if you are just willing to get outside
literally OUTSIDE
with random people and in random places
but also OUTSIDE your head
out of your rut
with grooves so deep you need 4 wheel drive
and determination
and guts to defy yourself

By now you know what works
and you know what doesn't help at all
and to choose to be conscious
in your own life
would be really helpful
and to be accountable too
would be magnificent

You know that you know that you know
you can do it
so get outside
get outside your head.

~C

Inside OUT


On the outside,
it's where you wear your inside
and you cannot hide
no matter how many layers you wear
or try to distract as you accessorize....
what gives you away is that you are uncomfortable
you shift
and you straighten
but your pants don't fit
and in your heart
you feel you just don't fit in
not in your clothes
or in with your friends
or in your life
like they cast the wrong body
to play your body.

Inside there is a woman
dying to be lived out
that looks nothing like you
who is not self conscious or stressed
who walks with a little self confidence
and she is thinking of you
as much as you are thinking of who you could be
if you put in the effort.

Letting your outside meet with your inside
where your thoughts become actions
and actions fuel goals
and by putting one foot after the other
and running the miles it takes to reach her,
reach you.

When you are determined
and when your inside and your outside
become so similar
the success is palpable
reachable
and your living it
your doing it
your loving life
and not distracted anymore
with how your pants don't fit.


~C

Thursday, July 11

Forgiving

This deep deep truth
a rooted knowing
that to pray for you
would free me

to pray for you
would stop opening this old wound
again and again
would take the sting from my memories
would break chains
and allow me to really breathe again

because in my spiritual life
I am holding my breath
unable to really move forward
choking on the pain and the hurt
and the loss and the anger

all vines, wound too tight
around my heart
a constant string around my finger
a reminder to forgive you
to let you go from this cage
where I have locked you up
for hurting me
and paced in front of it
for what feels like decades

nothing good
comes from holding you there
because sadly
it holds ME there
so I end up dwelling in a place I never wanted
lurking in a past that keeps me hurting...wallowing

like trying to hold a crow
that keeps pecking your hand
why would you let it make wounds
when you could release it?

Oh wretched heart
that doesn't know what to do
that doesn't know how to let go

God knows how
and He is urging me now
to start with one prayer
and then say another
and then one day
I'll be freed from being held under
a curse I allowed
while I held onto hate
an emotion to me so foreign
so binding
and so crippling

to let go
to move past
to allow it to wash over me
and then settle at my feet
so I can step aside from it
and walk on down the beach

Those prayers keep washing
one layer at a time
exposing layer after layer
and reclaiming
all
that once
was mine.

~C

She

Bright blond hair
blue eyes
and fair
but tan in summer
if you must know your share
of random personal facts

and

She cares too much
and she cannot be convinced
that she should watch the news
(truth can't be minced)
and you can woo her with lies
because she knows the things she likes to hear
but she can see it in your eyes
if you really love, if she is dear

She likes to collect nudes
but is too shy to be naked,
listens to the roar of the ocean
and wonders at how it never stops and never tires...

She watches her children sleep and then takes countless pictures
from all angles
and stays up far too late writing these words
copied from handwritten pages.

~C

Best of you

Chances squandered
opportunities lost
like potential trapped within you
bored with the waiting
wondering if it will ever be
never being able to breathe
or step outside of you to see
it's reality
it's possibility

This dream you think of everyday
but never allow to come out to play

That lurks in the shadows
of who you could be
and plays peek a boo with
all that you "should" be

Two voices war...
one wanting the best for you

The other trying to get the best OF you,
that voice is trying to waste time
to distract you
to get you to burn out

And the other, that one that wants the best
it fights for NOW
for you to take the steps now
that will open the doors of later
that will open the windows that let all the light in
that will shine all over your future

And you get to decide who wins out
you get to foster hope
or retire to sighing
you get to dig deep and push
or watch it slip away from you
from a distance

That lady that started as the secretary
20 years later she is the CEO
and her advice?
to do everything
with your everything
to give your best
no matter your title

And if she never started?
she'd have never begun
she'd have never believed
she'd have never won

Listen to me
about listening.

The voice you heed
is either getting the best of you
or evoking the best from you

And you get to decide.

~C