Saturday, July 30

Curiosity Crushed

Don't think about doing it
Do it
and don't wonder what it would be like
Find out
Mulling it over for all eternity
from every angle
what will that get you
except 80,000 options you never intend on acting on

So don't fantasize or criticize
until both outcomes leave you frozen and stranded
detached or intrigued
it is only until you walk it out
that you'll know fo sho,
so
Find out for gosh sakes
FIND OUT already!

~C

Change Resisted

I changed your surroundings while you weren't looking
or maybe it is your situation
or the people you've grown accustomed to
you'll have to adapt now
you really don't have a choice
I guess the only choice you do have
is how long you will take to adapt
like waking up to another life
like looking around and not recognizing this new layout
who is this person sleeping next to me
it might have all changed overnight
the way he now speaks to you
the sounds in the house
your perfume
sometimes time creeps
and change is drawn out
and other times
it is ripped off of you
like a band aid with too much adhesive...
either way
you are caught wondering
looking around
and worrying
fearing
resenting....
it will all hinder moving with the current
that stops for no one
as it changes again
before you can gasp for breath
before you can say "stop!"

~C

Floundering

Flip flopping
on the dock
gills heaving
flip
flop
air instead of water
and fear
and the gravity
so unlike the weightlessness of water
feeling heavy,
feeling crushed
disoriented
in another world
other than the one I've known
I am a fish out of water
and I am floundering
~C

Horizon of Hope

Hope rests on the horizon
and its influence, its volume,
is determined by the light
or the lack of light

When the horizon is lit by the morning
I feel the spark in my heart
and at dusk, when it is slowly distinguished
It feels like oxygen is lacking
I feel restricted, discouraged

High noon over the horizon has me beaming
and the depths of night make me wring my hands
some days creep slowly, lasting for weeks
some nights discourage me for a month

Highly aware of hope
I can easily see what the horizon holds for me
and even if blindfolded, I feel it
this is the ebb and flow of doubt
this is the rise and fall of expectation
each day different, with different light

A storm maybe...
or a drought...

Please God just give me a spark of hope
constant on the horizon of my heart
so that my light will never go out

~C

Thursday, July 28

Happy Brother

prayer answered
one I didn't even know I prayed
but my heart does

Everyone has to find their own way
in their own time
to rush them is futile
like trying to push a semi-truck
all it will do is give you a hernia
and when the truck does finally move
of it's own accord
it will be effortless
propelled from within
not from outside itself
and when we let that occur
when we let the people in our lives find their own way
in their own time
something is within that, that is divine
that is purposed and perfect

You were so mad awhile ago
and now the man I speak to
he is oozing with love
he is content and grounded
appreciated and at peace
and that man seeks forgiveness
no matter if it is justified or not
because of integrity
because he realizes the value of letting go
and how that is a gift he can give himself
by letting go of resentment or judgement or bitterness
He is choosing to not feed them anymore

and it is so obvious what that means for your life
the freedom from these things show
and there is not just lack from letting go
but replacements of those things
a deposit of freedom and love
forgiveness and peace
a gift that spreads outward
that not only touches the one you forgave
but the lives around that one
the relationships effected by that old grudge
are restored
and uncovered

You let the sunshine in
you drove away the darkness
and the time is perfect
because the time is now
found when you were ready
to really let go
to truly forgive
the gift you give another
the gift you give yourself
the gift
you gave me too, today
A gift I didn't even know I wanted so much
so thank you my Brother

~C

Thursday, July 14

Love wins

I used to think there were so many certain things
that with the right amount of love
or with enough of this
or the right amount of that
and with promises
and with hugs and kisses
things were sealed
a done deal
but it isn't so
I am finding out that the world is ever changing
that there are more uncertainties than I ever could have imagined
that there are more uncertainties, than certainties even
that that what I thought my life would be like
and what it actually is
are two very different things
but I won't let myself become cynical
I won't choose to be bitter or closed about that...
besides just because it is not what I thought
doesn't mean it isn't it's own kind of beautiful

I may not ever know what is around the corner,
but I choose not to live in fear of that
but take each day as it comes and remember that love wins,
God will work it all to good....
and love always wins in the end

~C

seek it

Like heavy vines in a jungle
you push through them
to find hope
thick and black they choke out light
the light that will help you find it
you trudge through mud for miles and miles
until your feet are blistered and sore
and then you step out of your boots
onto a big clean rock under a waterfall of water
and you set your sore feet upon it
and that rock is hope

We always have to go through it
to get to it
we have to seek it
we have to not give up
you know it is there in your heart
but sometimes your eyes can not define it
cannot make it out through the fog
or the black of night

Hope is the thing unseen
that sings
that draws us in from far off
that keeps a light burning
at the end of the longest tunnel
and it will not go out
so do not give up on it
do not doubt that it is waiting
for you to find it

~C

boy's life altered

He feels like he has no family
when really only one has left
only an earthquake shifting everything he's ever known
it causes him to question if everything was ever unbroken once
because all he can focus on now is the aftermath
and he wants to cry
but he yells instead
he doesn't know what to do with this....
these roller coaster emotions that take him for a ride
queasy, he closes his eyes and tries to just hold on
it will be over soon
and then I can get off
(he says to himself)
and then I can step out of this

but somehow he knows
the boy who got on
is not the same boy stepping off
his life altered when the changes began
and what was
is no longer

~C

separate

dismantled
torn apart
pieces of a whole drifting out
and away from
once was
what was known
what was counted on
what was expected
and now loss is fresh
now home, is altered
and decisions have to be made
like a death
& having to choose a burial plot
but not like that
because you are still out there
only choosing to leave here
leave this family
does she take down your pictures then?
does she redecorate, or be haunted by you...
see your ghost in the living room chair
or see your memory in the garden like an apparition
while they mourn the loss of what you were to them here
of what you meant as part of a whole
but no longer connected
no longer choosing this
no longer wishing to be a part of
how can they not take that personally?
how can they be ok....?

and in time the brunt of it will wear down
but it is forever altered
the wound leaving a big scar across hearts

and the moment it happened, stood out
as if time, frozen....
that moment she knew you weren't coming back
that this home you've known for 21 years
is now separate from you
now it is something else
and the windows are all shattered
that is how it feels
and she walks on the glass
and cries out from the pain
you broke all the windows
and you broke her heart too
and you redefined home for her
you took yourself out of the equation
you moved on
and forced her to move on too
didn't you?

~C


for Karen

Oh how my heart goes out to you
because I have been there
I have felt the frustration
and the lack of control
the abandonment
and the rejection

How I wish I could reach out and help
in a way that would ease your burden
and yet I know you have to find your own way
go through it, and not around
feel the sorrow
and wrestle with the anger
and surrender finally
so that you can find a peace with God
that is beyond understanding...

All I can do is love you through it
and tell you it is alright to cry
it is ok to be mad
that yes, it is devastating

I know that I cannot save you from this pain
but I can tell you that I understand,
and mean it
and I do,
with all my heart
and I so love you!

~C