Friday, April 30

To struggle is human

I am realizing that everyone I know....
their lives are their own saga
filled with more drama then I once imagined people even had
each story winds and twists with romance and tragedy
loss and betrayal,
death and passion,
struggle and hope.

Why did I not expect to notice this
or imagine my life could be ordinary
like an episode of little house on the prairie
where little struggles magnified the uncomplicated family bond
solidified the values and love.

I wish I understood, part of me cannot grasp why
when even you have an uncomplicated love to give
the world complicates all around it
challenging it
maybe even getting so used to it
that it loses it's luster
like an old pair of good shoes.

I know that there is purpose in the struggle
I know that God takes it and shapes it into triumph
I know that even when it seems your patience with the growth process
is on the verge of falling away
God has more strength for you

because if He says wait
and then He says go...
He will release you into something gorgeous
when the time is just right

My heart knows this
while my flesh struggles against that
while I dig deep
to find more of what I need
to hold on
to stay calm
to love


No Muse

I don't want to be your muse
only an inspiration
something shiny
that you take from your pocket
to look over
time to time

and I do not want to feel dusty
because I have been tucked away
or humored
so that I will stay
to be a convenience

to feel kept
is to feel caged
even titles
cannot assure anything
signatures mean nothing

jaded by loss
and trust loss in the faltering
part of me in ruins
for something I cannot identify
for something
I've never known

this flesh pulls at me
when I am not looking
it mocks me
when there are no clear answers
and the water is murky
where is the bottom?
How far down?

I sit by the edge of the water
and I will the water to clear
I narrow my stare
as if that will do it

a deep part of me wanting to take charge
of something organic
control something
wild and vague
for if just a moment
so I can feel what it is
to have it in my hands

and then what?
and then what....
the constant of shift and change
the illusive ways of love
and of what it is that I think I want
but what I may never know

to belong
to intend
to mean it
would make me sigh
but a muse
I am not
pursue me with intention
or not at all


haunting unknown

the unknown lurks
in shadows
and it gets the best of me
because I do not know

and what I do not know
is left to imagination
and OH can I imagine...
our best attributes
also being our worst

like balancing on a very thin beam
high up
in a storm
lightning in the distance
and rain in my eyes

feeling unstable
and on the verge
of slipping

and yet mostly I am strong
and calm
and knowing
that even the unknown cannot hurt me
even the worst imaginings
cannot dampen my heart

so I put away the wonder
and I stop calculating the loss
and I give that all to God
because we choose how we are going to live
how we will approach everything
and how we will take every step
(even into a dark alley way)
and all we enter into goes with us
all we enter into becomes a part
every choice
becomes who we are
either drawing us in
or drawing us out

stay in the light
stay very close to the truth
declare out loud what you mean
but go
if you have already gone
and look me in the eyes
as you leave


Thursday, April 29

Go back out

wandering rose
in the forest
not isolated in a garden
not set apart
unprotected here
weaving and winding
with weeds
with other varieties
with thorns
more menacing than your own

deep in the forest
in darkness
much of your life is spent
but the light filters in
when it is needed
allowing you to bloom
to persevere
to fight
in this different environment
one you were born into
and then taken out of
so that when you do go back
it feels foreign now
you feel removed
like the outsider

are you too good for it now?
or can you adapt?
you wandering rose
wandering back
into that wild life
but changed
from when you were first taken out
so when you go back
you are stronger

you know where you came from
you know your purpose
you will shine your new light
in a dark Forrest
you will be a flood of red blooms
to a sea of green
and your presence
will make such a stark difference
among all of those plants
so unlike you
as you wander
and cover
and spread goodness over this world.



So 17th century
as if seated on the lawn
before a sprawling estate of green
and you adjust your tights
with a huge laugh
as you turn the page
reading and pondering
and wondering aloud

I can see your wheels turning
as you move the pieces
to suit your new found idea
and the light that escapes you
as your ah ha moment evolves
makes me smile

Your discovery is my joy
your wounding abandoned
my prayer
to think I get to watch you
change and just BE
at this very moment in your life
that I can think and wonder WITH you

If this is chewing fat
then I like it
I love talking & learning
Love reading & discerning
and it all spills into writing!

stay open
and wild at heart
ever keeping your eye on Him
and life will flash by
adventures had
and adventures past

and then some far off day
in the future
I will be there to pray
with you about something new
to hold your hand
to speak life into you.


Dolphin sightings

Your love is like dolphin sightings
something I remember vividly
and enjoying every time
but sometimes I forget to look for it now
but other times, too obvious to miss
and it is always such a good feeling when it surfaces
always a highlight
that brings you to the very forefront of my mind
and although I am not swimming right beside you
looking you in the eyes
I am on the beach walking
looking, watching, waiting
for the next time
I get to see you again

parallel lives
by memories
and time
for always


Wednesday, April 28

Spiritual Common Sense

Do you know how some people have common sense and others do not?
Maybe they are book smart but not street smart...all these qualities transfer over into the spiritual too.
Some people are "by the book" meaning the bible in the literal sense, and some people are more reliant on the lead of the Holy Spirit.
Some spiritual in-tune people have spiritual common sense and some do not.

Do not be discouraged if you feel you do not have spiritual common sense.
I think it is something you can tap into, to train yourself at, unlike regular common sense I don't think it is something you HAVE or DO NOT HAVE.

The importance of being in tune...of defaulting to the Truth at any given time, to recognize where you are spiritually and where you WANT to be or rather where you are headed, is all a part of it.
So is being aware of others and being aware of how you let them effect you and how you in turn effect them.
I would describe being spiritual aware as being fully awake, or fully alive.
There is such power in that!

We are taking in so much information constantly, choosing to be selective or to bombard ourselves and with the Internet. Our options are endless and fast and maybe too fast....
Having spiritual common sense is to be aware of the balance that exists within yourself, it is being able to tell if you are off balance because you can FEEL the pull to one side or another. The more in-tune you are,
the more sensitive you are to the slightest degree of movement.

I joke that it is like becoming the Jedi Master of your mind,
but really it is allowing God in to do the Jedi work in you.
It is in the surrendering action of all the crap going on in your life and admitting that it isn't in your power to sort out.
God never intended you to do any of the work in your life alone, and without Him.
If He designed it that way from the very beginning then it makes sense that we feel so out of control and helpless in the midst of going at it alone!
Even when we realize this truth we still fall back into those fleshy patterns....but I am telling you, if you can get to a point where you are so aware of your self...
your feelings, your patterns, your default to crying or whining or complaining, or playing the victim...whatever it might be,
it will eventually GLARE at you when it pops up, becoming so spiritually self-aware will seperate all that is not of God from what is! It will be as obvious as the way oil sits at the top of water and will not mix.

God is amazing....He whispers these truths to me as I am driving or doing the most simple of tasks and getting me to zero in on something He wants highlighted.
I am amazed at how what He gives to me to say effects other people and I feel such purpose and drive in sharing.
If I have blessed you because God just blessed me, then I want you to know how happy that makes me inside.
Like turning up the gas on my stove so that the flame burns brighter and brighter....and the most awesome thing about that is the endless resources of the tank....
no refills necessary for the Holy Spirit....
His love just burns and burns and burns!


Saturday, April 24

In God we TRUST

Do we??

I think that we would do things a little different if we really put our trust in God.
We would talk a different talk....full of His promises and Hope.
we would walk a different walk, full of the confidence that comes in knowing He's got you.
we would embrace the world in a way that would say " I BELIEVE!" even without actually saying it.
we would be peaceful and calm
forever surrendering and offering up our lives willingly
like investing in a child
and knowing that we are giving what is not ours to further something greater
a sacrifice
because we deeply understand the bigger picture
a commitment of understanding, YES!
and we would convey endless compassion
because we would be free of all the things we used to think God could not handle...
confidently remembering that he is constantly working all things in our lives to GOOD
we would sing a new song every morning
and look forward to each new task God had for us
we would throw ourselves into our relationships whole heartedly
into our passing encounters
knowing that a glance or a smile
was something valued even precious
that everything is the beginning to something else
an endless cycle of encouragement or defeat
and in the midst of the process you have this chance to convey Faith, Hope and Love to someone
but it all starts with Trust
because if I TRUST that God is who He says He is....
then I am set
ready and willing to do anything and everything for Him, In Him, WITH Him, excited to do it!
and that trust allows me to FLY
to be what He intended me to be from the very beginning
to run full force into my destiny
with a huge crazy grin on my face
because these are born of trust:

I know that You will do what you say You are going to do God.
I know you are not going anywhere
I know that You do not change
or waver
that your love never tires
or diminishes
that you have an endless resource of ideas and inspiration, of protection and safety
that you believe in me
that you've got my back
better yet that you've got my mind and my heart and my will
Let me shout it out from the highest places
that I believe in You!
that I love You!

instill in me the default switch that always brings me back in to You
that confirms who You are and what you are about
let my life declare that it all boils down to LOVE, sweet love....
let me always be Your love Lord
forever reminding these fleshy old ways to stay at rest where they belong
and living out in full volume all that You are in me!
Let them look to me and only recognize You God.


Not a matter of getting you to stay

or preventing you from leaving,
of going
instead, it is realizing that I am the one who fights for love
who remains in that love
I am the one who stays
and in staying,
I prove to myself that it can be done
that there are people who stay
there are people who fight, even in circumstances that seem murky
in situations that seem hopeless
in the face of rejection and abandonment you close your eyes
as if it is only the too bright sun making you do that
and you let the heat warm something in you
and you do not allow it to burn you
because it is all in your perspective
all the possibility or impossibility
it lives or dies with you...
in your choices
in your approach
with your flourishing faith
or in your withering lack of it
you propel yourself into motion
or you tether yourself to your weighty baggage

so when I see your back leaving
I choose instead to dwell on how well I know your hairline
or the smooth skin of your neck
or I focus on the way you walk
and dwell on how comforting it is to know that walk so very well

and when I look back I have a choice to selectively weed out all the good
or all the bad
What do I WANT to remember?
what do I WANT to dwell on and magnify??

If I can let go of the hurt and focus on the love
if I can tune into the present
and just let the past be what it was
then it becomes its own thing, with its own story...
but today is a new chapter
and chapter 5 isn't a part of chapter 4,
it is a new thing...
it may have been launched from, but is not connected to, the chapter before it.
that even though chapter 5 could not exist without chapter 4, it is not DEFINED by it.
the possibilities are endless in the NEW!

So how freeing to realize that I have been the hope that I wanted so badly from the men in my life!
I have uncovered a deep truth
that love does not die if you do not let it
especially if you cannot let it, cannot stand to let it fade
such a good sweet thing
do not throw the babe out with the bath water
do not grow weary in the face of adversity
do not turn your back on , what you deep down KNOW to be true
in your heart of hearts
and stop trying to figure it out
you cannot analyze your way into what to do
you do not know best
you never will

that is God's work
and only He can show you.

Thank you God for teaching me in the laundry room,
or while I blow dry my hair,
or in the shower
when my mind is quiet and open....
You are in every moment
just waiting for me to tune in
so you can show me something new
or inspire me to take some new approach
and tonight
you identified something so deep
a realization that I can BE the change I want to see in this world
in my world
in my love

you are so very good to me Father.
So gentle and always searching out places in me
reminding me to look in
deeper and deeper
clean out closets
hidden compartments full of cobwebs
places I have forgotten
the attic of memories that are covered in dust
that I have kept thinking I would need again
and they have only waited there until the moment I could decide to part with them
knowing they are out of date
or broken
or rotten now....

I am here
I am now
and I am with YOU God
awaiting the next best thing You have for my life.


Monday, April 19

Honestly, not something I expected from you

What am I supposed to do with that?
It makes me feel like crap.
Like I fell out of some good graces, like I blew it!

It makes me feel like I was put in a box of expectation and then I was being careless and ripped the box somehow and you are there shaking your head at me with a tisk tisk.

This isn't about living up to your expectations,
I am living for God, and He loves me no matter what.
He does not say...I expected something better from you Christie.
He runs up to meet me where I am and he understands my wounds and He just loves me.

It is so wild that our defensiveness, our assumptions, our expectations end up wounding the ones we love. All protective measures that keep people out. That do not help but hinder us in relationship.
I just want to love and draw so close to God that He is able to work through me so clearly that you do not see anyone but Him in me.
I do not like this feeling of tension. I am not a fan of drama and like I said, I find myself just drawing back. Not wanting more of the same. I know it is my flesh to feel uncomfortable.
I identify that I do not like to be judged or put under a magnifying glass.....
There seems to be a theme lately, of people who throw a mix at me....Positive, then negative, then positive....Spiritual, then flesh, then spiritual...
I really began to count on consistency in the spiritual, I was thinking that because some people were closer and more in tune with God that they wouldn't confuse me.
Humans are human.
wow that was brilliant...
but seriously I think that you have to really remember that people screw up and stumble and trip and fall....ALL THE TIME.
No one can be put on a pedestal at any time because it just becomes a higher place to fall from. Your actually doing them an injustice, because if they do fall, it will be messy for sure.

God I do not want to be one of those people who can only hear or feel GOOD things or else they cannot cope. I know darn well that life is chock full of adversity. That I will hear and see things that will disappoint, crush, scar and wound me. I know because I already have experienced those things. Give me the will to fight and stand tall and not run and hide. My instinct is to just cut it off. I will say that discerning is huge and is complicated at times, more complicated than I imagined. I know that you give me discernment but I need to know how to separate the things that complicate from the truth. How do you respect someone and disagree? How do you honor and say NO. How do you share what you see without being or coming across as judgemental? Ha ha You are telling me now, that if it is of YOU it will not come across that way...and if it is convicting because it is of You then it will come to edify but not to tear down.

I am fully aware that a meeting of spiritual minds can stir up many things. I can see how darkness freaks when light is drawn together to form a powerful laser, where people are being lifted up and edified. I can see how satan would use pride and jealousy, expectation, power struggle, feeling dishonored, authority, etc. to twist and manipulate and take away from that power....He is on overdrive Lord and I pray against that right now in Jesus name!

Guide me through this time where I feel like I am not equipped. Lift me up and steady me where I am faltering. I am not justifying my fleshy position, my position is yours God....but I struggle with a fight for what is right, instead of rightfully stating truth calmly, which I know is how you would handle it. So come right in Lord.....Come on in to this situation and expose it with all your bright beautiful light so everything is identified for what it is.

Love you, trust you, with you God.


Monday, April 12

My hope-Your hope

wow God, to know that your hope is in ME is amazing.
I always seem to think of it as YOU giving me hope.
but the scripture speaks both
only now am I able to let the other sink it in.

That speaks volumes because it says that you invest in us
that you believe and have confidence in us choosing YOU
that despite how wishy-washy or changing we may be
you still HOPE in us
you are our light at the end of the tunnel
but we are yours!
without us to be your hands and your feet
you do not have hands and feet in this world!

what an honor to play a part in the elaborate goodness
You designed from the beginning
what a privilege to lift someone up and pray for them
and know that you are right there in it

may I have your eyes to see more and more
your heart to heal and speak truth and love into peoples lives
to be the conduit to your great work
I am so in awe that you placed me here
and that it was no accident
not the time, nor the place, not even my circumstances
because you can use them all
my strengths and my weaknesses will all work together for your good
so that even when I stumble I should nod instead of shaking my head
knowing you'll use it!

You say that when we are weakest we are strongest
help me to really grasp that God
it is so foreign to me because at my weakest I feel helpless...

ahhhh right,
only then YOU can work, because we rely on you
it is not I that am strongest in my own strength or flesh
but YOU strong in me because I am in total reliance of YOU
I have surrendered
and I am no longer struggling to control my life,
or my circumstances,
or others!

ha ha ha..I love how you spell things out mid sentence
how you answer me so quickly...when I am listening.
I love you God.
You are the bessssssst.


Wednesday, April 7

Beauty the beetle

Oh little one, you went on and on today about the little beetle you found struggling in the pool.
You rescued her and named her Beauty.
Then quickly informed me that she was now a boy.
Okie dokie!
You went on and on about Beauty....
how she loved the grass you gave her
and how you were petting her butt, Mama want to pet her butt?
You mean her back? I think that is the beetles back...
Then you showed me how she was hiding her head under a part of a leaf
you informed me she requested to be read to and that she wanted to hear a song
and you did both
You told Daddy she was going to sleep in your room
and I will admit I cringed
you wanted me to pet her again while I was eating crudite
and Auntie Carol exclaimed "she is eating!"
and then very swiftly it seemed Beauty was not moving
and she somehow got squished because "stuff" was coming out of her body...
so you buried her in the yard and said a little prayer
and that is all she wrote about Beauty.


no accidents

Some people cringe at that.
No accidents, that everything happens for a reason....
When real tragedy strikes,
it tends to sting.
If we believe the promise that God works everything to GOOD for those that love him though, then we can trust that He uses EVERYTHING,
every aspect and crumb or our life toward our ultimate purpose
so that we can be what we were destined to be in Him.

At a bible study recently,
Julie brought to light that God knew us before we even existed,
God saw every one of us in that bible study on that night, speaking into each others hearts, lifting each other up and sharing our intimate stories.
There is no accident that we were there and even that certain people couldn't make it and were not there that night.
When we acknowledge that truth,
it is awe inspiring.
You become reverent to every little interaction,
every choice becomes important,
every outing an adventure.
It is no coincidence that you haven't seen Mary in a year and then you see her at the grocery store.
There is even purpose in your thoughts that way,
like thinking of someone out of the blue.
God may want you to reach out to them and contact them in some way, or He may just need you to pray,
but if you are spiritually in tune,
you won't brush it off as "weird",
you will ask Him and follow His lead....
The Holy Spirit is creative and mysterious.
He meant for our lives to be exciting and unexpected in good ways,
and even when they are unexpected in bad ways that shake us to our very core....
He will use what was meant for evil, for good!
He will turn it all around!
Our problem is in being able to be patient with the process,
our problem arises in the ripping and tearing at what WE had in mind.
The more we can abandon our own plans and imaginings for ourselves, the better off.
God promises us that we could never even IMAGINE anything greater than what he has for us....
and we tend to drift toward amazing financial wealth and every single luxury we could imagine, but Heaven doesn't share our same vision.
God's ways are above our ways and His thoughts are above our thoughts....
so because of this he will be taking us to a place much DIFFERENT as well as much better than our own visions.
Trust and faith in that is all you need.
You don't need to try and figure it out and you don't have to DO anything to help it come about.

I think the main goal is to just to become more and more spiritually aware...
there has also been a huge lesson for me in surrender.
If you are able to skooch over and let God drive, life will be so much easier!
He wants you to be able to look out the window and enjoy the ride!
HE will worry about the gas, He will check the oil, He will stay alert and get you there.
Just trust him to drive you, and then relax.
It was the way he designed it!

So life will present all these predetermined situations where we will choose to be spiritually aware or not.
We will miss a lot of divine appointments that God presents to us by simply being distracted or self absorbed...
but He designed many situations over time, many safe guards to teach us and mold us and love on people in our own time, and in His perfect time too.
There is an insane elaborate network occurring at every moment that I would imagine would look very similar to the Internet if we could see it working.
The capability and the magnitude of what He is accomplishing and doing in trillions of lives in one SECOND is unfathomable.
Trust that He knew before you even WERE.
He loved you before you existed and His intentions are always for your BEST,
He values you and every step that you take in a way that you'll never fully grasp because no one on earth is capable of loving you like that.
Every tear that falls from your eyes, is not lost on Him.
His compassion and care for you is bursting from his heart and His grace and mercy washes over you constantly.
The motion of His love is swirling around us,
but instead of spinning against it with our own ideas,
He wants us to stand there and feel it and accept it and all the beauty that comes with it that propels us forward by His own power,
His love flowing out through us, spiritually designed for greatness,
ours and His.


right now

Are you aware of right now?
The beauty of it?
Aware that tomorrow your kids are one day older and so are you,
that everything is constantly shifting and changing....
your surroundings, your relationships, your circumstances....
They are constantly in motion.
Funny, but because our lives are constantly in motion,
we feel we have to be.
We are the kings and queens of multi-tasking,
we are texting while driving,
a slave to our cell phones
and we are thinking of what we are going to say right in the middle of what you are saying....

let's get on with it! Let's MOVE! Let's GO!
Even if we don't know where that is and our steps are crippled by our experiences and emotions...
we will just drag the weight of them and strain to just get out of here!

In actuality we should be in slow motion,
taking it all in,
reveling in how wonderful it is right now.
We may never have tomorrow
and that doesn't have to be deep or morbid,
it is the simple truth.
We hear songs that say we should live like we are dying
but to me it is so impossible,
if I was seizing the day every second I would have accomplished something that the human condition seems to fight against every second!
It is like asking someone what they would do in any extreme situation...
They will never ever say, Oh I would pee my pants...
but that might be exactly what they would do!
You cannot possibly know what you would do in any situation until you are faced with it.
Your adversity will teach you things about yourself you never knew existed within you.
You can use all of it to advance your life,
to your advantage, in so many ways by learning from it,
or you can let it put a boot on your car.
sit there in gridlock, trapped in your life,
in your head.

The power of your choices and the perspective you choose to embrace is AMAZING!
You choose your fate, you make it and mold it by yourself in your own power,
or you hand it over to God and allow Him to mold you.
Either way it is your free choice.
He will Love you and watch you struggle or He will Love you and live through you....
but each senerio starts with your own will,
and with your tiny little choices...
day in and day out.


too simple, really?

We have difficulty with things being too simple
heaven forbid we not DO something to help, change, or control our situation.
We willingly put on a straight jacket, and then struggle in it.
more comfortable with the fight, because it is all we have ever known....

and yet God is saying..."look, I did the work so you don't have to...I wore the straight jacket, and I struggled in it out of necessity, to FREE YOU....I did it specifically for YOU, as a gift. Struggle if you must but it is not My idea, My idea is for you to live FREE now...MIND, BODY, are not shackled to anything that you do not want to be shackled to, in fact the shackles you see are a hologram of your own making, something you manifest out of your own unawareness. Oh how I love you and I do not want you to have to go through something I already handled and finished...but if you feel you must, then I will wait patiently forever. I will love you right here, and I have such compassion for you and this reality you've created for yourself and believe to be the truth. "

The battle begins and ends in the mind. If we have the mind of Christ and really believe that, then we already have the ability to work our way out of any snare the devil could dream up. There is a saying...if you believe you can or believe you can't, you are right. That saying speaks volumes for your spiritual battle in this life. BELIEF. What do you really believe? Have you noticed that what people REALLY believe is what they walk. They can SAY they believe something, but if their time and energy is devoted to something, someone, or somewhere else, you know they may have lovely intentions, but they do not BELIEVE what they are saying to you. That is why one of my favorite sayings is "walk the talk", and how powerful would it be to "Talk the walk"?? What if we did everything that we meant first and then talked about it...We couldn't really puff it up or elaborate and all our grand intentions would fly out the window, we could only work with what we had already done! Ha ha....and maybe that would be too boring? Way less interesting...but it would be face value. The old me was one who romanticized my life so my nature was to embellish all my thoughts. A harsh dose of reality reeled me in and sometimes I am saddened by that. The pictures I painted in my mind of never ending passionate devoted love being a possibility in human beings was nice to soak in....for a time....for a delusional time. ha ha

But seriously God wanted to show me that there is a brand of LOVE that is way better! A love that never ends and won't be shot down, a love that is never unsatisfied or rejected for any reason, that never leaves and never feels complacent or disinterested. God's love is not defined by the definitions or expectations you can place on it. You cannot put his love in a box and just take it out when you feel like experiencing it. It consumes you in a way that never falters or leaves you, in a way that carries you and weaves itself into your fabric of being.
You can count on him, you can invest in Him, in that awesome love, and you don't have to hesitate or be afraid to accept it either....there is no loss in the acceptance and there are no "should haves, would haves or could haves "ifs" either. There is nothing that could EVER happen or that you could ever even conceive of doing that would make him take it back.
Indian giving does not exist in heaven.
Not on God's watch, and by golly, that watch doesn't stop EVER! hee hee!
How comforting is that??

I hope the way God loves you is insanely comforting and it blows your mind to the point that you are able to lay down the straight jacket and watch it disappear as you rest in what God already accomplished just for you.
My prayer is that you except it like a brand new car...totally paid for, and you really enjoy it! It is YOURS now...
and I know you love that new car smell.


Tuesday, April 6

makes sense

You won't always be able to make sense of it.
I wish someone had told me that growing up,
You cannot sort or categorize everything
and you don't have to have a title to feel alright
you can be totally out of control
and that can be good

sometimes God cannot work in the lives of control freaks
and they keep Him out with a big gun
because it is more comfortable
to be driving their own car

I wish someone would have told me how mysterious the Holy Spirit is
that He has a sense of humor
that He is the most patient person you'll ever meet
He'll even wait while you try it YOUR way
and fall flat on your face
"now, could you try it my way?" he asks sweetly...
and you can even say "no",
and He'll wait patiently
for the chance to ask you again.

I wish someone had told me that love is the most complicated thing
like a lock with many many keys to try in it
like a shifting morphing thing that is the same time rock solid
that it can be broken into a thousand pieces and then gathered up again
it is resilient
but there is hurting

Life is a process we grope our way through
fumbling for the light by touch alone
by feel
as we listen for any small clue
anything that "sounds right"
when it should be a still small voice we follow
when He tells us what to do.

I had to find my own way into these truths and so will you
but at least you cannot say you wish someone had told you...
I just did


memories that stay

I got a request recently from a friend to do a book about my Mom.

I am inspired!

I am picturing it like a small scrapbook of memories, with photos and personal accounts of how my Mom touched peoples lives. I know God will use my talents to arrange it in such a way that it will be artistic and original...honorable.
It is so amazing that this request comes just past the 12th anniversary of my Mom going to heaven....I am so touched and in awe at the impact she had on the people in her world. How she made such a distinct impression and how her influence stays and comforts people long after she left this earth.

I have a feeling that this project contains healing for me. That there is grief down deep that I haven't allowed to surface . A loss of someone who was so concrete to my fabric of being...a person I assumed would be a permanent fixture in my Mom's presence.
I have described it as losing an arm. Or having the rug ripped out from under you. To lose someone that I derived so much joy from, who loved me unconditionally and cheered me on in life, someone I couldn't wait to share an achievement or and artistic idea with....

it takes getting used to, her absence, and so far I am learning that there will always be a bitter sweet edge to everything wonderful because I cannot share it with her in person or look her in the eyes and see her excitement, or hug her and feel the warmth and sincerity of her love receiving me. I am extremely blessed to have shared 24 years of my life with such an amazing person, to have learned and grown in light under her wing.
Forever touched by her life,
forever altered with her leaving.


Monday, April 5

How the Holy Spirit uses life

For every bus filled with kids
there is a bus driver who drives them
where trust is assumed
where safety is mandatory
and the routine becomes automatic
every school morning
of every school day
and the routine infused with unspoken trust
defines a childhood
enables them to get to a place of learning
a mode of transportation that leads to something else
that enables something else to happen
to unfold
in the little lives of children
every school morning
of every school day


To get in a funk is human

I feel like I shouldn't write when I am feeling numb or discouraged.
and yet it is how I feel.
Overwhelmed with reality I feel like dodging it and avoiding it.
People are used to seeing a light in me so i feel compelled to give them light...
and yet sometimes it is so dim in here.
I feel like there is no music,
and even if I had all the instruments I couldn't play them.
Even if it was a matter of just turning on the radio I wouldn't have the energy to.
I feel weighed down and discouraged by life somedays....
like everyone is exposing something jaded in their own personal way.
Some crack in the thing I believed to be solid,
some disappointing fact that is supposed to enlighten me and make me face the truth
and yet it just makes me feel sad and empty.
As if there is nothing to count on
and bad people are capeable of being bad forever
and dealing with the same old crap will never get better....
no matter how many ways I creatively approach it.
Crap is crap even if i sculpt it into a flower...
what is this funk?
and why does it come?
and where does it come from....
Get me out Lord.
Keep it away and don't allow me to go there....


Him, not me

Jesus was "the bigger person"
He sure knew how to "suck it up"
and when I think of all he took
I shutter and I wish could actually grasp the effect He had
that keeps reaching out today
the statement His life made that keeps funding
the glory in our hearts

I wish I could be more like him
but I vacilate from day to day
I struggle with this flesh
to "turn the other cheek"
is harder than I thought
and to love
while someone is spitting in my face
almost impossible
but You do it through me God
You see the sin
but acknowledge how You love the sinner instead
and I marvel at You working through me
embracing them in a way that I never could
a hug
instead of a punch in the face
the contrast of that is insane
it is You coming through in the times filled with drama
you turn off the soap opera and you say shhhhh
be still
I will show you
I will be
if you let me
I will work
if you allow me to
and he knocks every day
and we have a choice to open our hearts
and to listen
to His still



tossed in a sea of ego and need
of agendas and self
where everyone needs something
grappling and clawing
needed NOW, yesterday even better
at any cost
even satisfied at someone else's expense
selfish and absorbed
your bubble bumping into mine
never merging, becoming one
just touching for a moment
while you dump out your garbage
and it seeps into my bubble
all that you struggle with
that manifests as wounding
that communicates things you never say
that conveys where your heart is
where it is darkened
and I listen
and I understand
but in a detached way I am numb
and it all runs together
bubbles tossing in the wind
waves crashing into each other in the sea
not merging , but displacing others


Thursday, April 1


What kind are you sending out into the world??

It is amazing how satan it all starts with a simple thought and then tumbles into an idea of ourselves and then effects our mood and then our mood effects others and so on.

He needles us with our worst fears, annoyances, doubts, and tries to magnify what we are most self conscious about. He will use any person, situation, fall or stumble to trip us up and send us 3 steps back...He will use rejection, abandonment, and even silence and isolation to torment us.

Learning to combat his attacks takes discipline and spiritual awareness....and just like anything you do consistently, any habit that you will get easier and easier the more you do it until it is like second nature. Hopefully the habits we cultivate are healthy ones! Even better a spiritually healthy habit....
A God inspired habit that you will grow in while practicing.

It is so powerful to realize something for what it really is and face it head on.
For instance, when people are in a bad mood I do not automatically assume it is about me or take there mood personally or let it ruin my time with them anymore...
so yeah, I USED to let people get to me in that way, but now I realize it is not about ME. They are going through something, and it is heavily effected by their own wounds, insecurities and trials that they are going through and have gone through. If I can just apply love and patience, or even just sit in silence with them in the sun and show them support, then great.
Every situation is different, and if we are open to what God would have us do in the moment, His love flowing through us to someone can be incredibly meaningful and powerful in someones life.

We get used to a certain approach to things or become a slave to the way we have ALWAYS done things, but those reactions can be like a really sensitive trigger that is reacting off of an idea we came up with when we were 10 years old , of how to deal with anger, or frustration, or rejection and because it always worked for us then, the familiarity is comforting to us, even though it is no longer effective. It certainly doesn't allow for growth in the area....and that is just fine with satan because he is happy to keep us there.

So it all starts with listening for God's still small voice, being quiet enough to tune into it and understand His best for our lives, our minds, even our bodies. He knows will will resist at times, or get caught up in the "annoying" situation, even wallow there contently in our misery at times. He understands our human condition and He sits there patiently and lovingly smiles at us and when we are done pouting he reaches for our hand and asks "ready to go on?"

It is like a long hike in the mountains, our walk with God, He knows the way is treacherous at times and life threatening in mental and physical ways...some parts of the trek is daunting to us or monotonous and those are the times we don't even care about our destination anymore.

He knows those times will come.

Then there are the times where we come to an opening the trees and we are high up now, and the view is amazing and we feel that no matter what we went through to get here, it was well worth the climb. There is a mix of these two senerios through life, over and over again constantly tweeking us with hard work and then rest and beauty. One is necessary to appreciate the other and the more we understand the big picture, the more we can extract the drama and see past the smoke and mirrors satan tries to use to distract and trip us, the better and better we become at being present and aware and peaceful.

No one wants to hear the climb is necessary for enlightenment and revelation....can't someone else climb for me we say? Or can't I watch it on YouTube and learn from it? We don't want to hurt and be torn and tweaked in order to grow, even if we know there is also great beauty in store and so much reward....we still just focus on the cost of it.

I love the saying about how the journey starts with one step. If you aren't willing to take the first step, then there will never be a journey! As for me, it has been better to have loved and have lost then to never have loved at all. The journey has enabled me to see life in a way that I could have never even focused on before, let alone see clearly.

You cannot tell someone who is going through something painful that they will be thankful later on for it. They can not comprehend what you are saying and you'll just come across as insensitive.

We all have to find our own way in our own time.

If some people hide inside their home and never take a hike until they are 60...God can still work with that. For them, they were not ready until then. In the same respect, what is right for each of us is not the right way for everyone or anyone else. We were made by God to be the only one! Commonalities will overlap and bring us together and make us feel understood but we are original for a reason and He will show us why and how if we let Him.

So be patient with people, grasp the big spiritual picture that we are all on our own journey, all struggling and rejoicing in different ways at different times in our lives. With this patience, understanding and compassion will come great peace, and with that peace you will be able to make ripples with God that will touch the hearts of so many!


Revelation of my Rejection

Wow...You spoke to my heart today about the rejection I have experienced in my life God. You showed me how it is connected to initiating things in my life...Initiating planning for things or initiating get-togethers with friends, even initiating sex. You showed me how if I do not initiate, then I cannot be turned down, and if I cannot be turned will not lead to rejection.

Then you took me back to being married and reminded me of the times I had initiated sex and was turned down....ouch that wounded me, and then you showed me how I took a step back, almost unconsciously and resigned to waiting until I was pursued, I told myself that the only control I had was my "yes". I became very good at saying yes, and I stopped initiating. In this way I would protect myself from rejection and I would protect my sensitive heart. I also set myself up to be content with waiting, and less prone to action....and although this waiting attribute can be a good thing like with having patience, it is not good when I stop going after what I want and really owning a decision and going for it. It is like taking the backseat so you will be less likely to be asked to participate, but always willing to participate if asked. To be laid back is great as long as it doesn't spill over into being complacent, and not taking initiative in walking what you have for me God.

I know you want me to realize this now so I can understand it, so I can heal an old wounding and not live it out as a truth in my life today. I will not continue to be shackled to the idea that I am rejected, that I am not wanted or not important. That is not something that you ever spoke into existence about me Lord and I will not embrace it. It is so subtle and slow the decisions we make and how they stick. We incorporate them effortlessly into our identity and let them cripple us without even being slightly aware! The whisper says I am protecting myself....but the whisper is fear based because I am afraid of being rejected! The whisper is not of you.

It is funny how you used a simple cancelled appointment with a friend and the hurt I felt today to teach me a truth behind that hurt. Like turning something over and over in my hand, you showed me where I was wounded in this area from the past and how to heal it today. How something that feels like a simple annoyance has a much deeper root that leads to true pain. So that if we try to pull up the weed, for a time it looks better, it appears to be gone....and then it grows back and resurfaces in another way later....we never addressed the ROOT of it, the true pain where the annoyance grew from again and again. There is no temporary fix for our wounds. You want to take us into them and deal with it in a proactive way because You know it keeps us from our very best.

I love your approach with me, your patience with me and your perfect timing. I am in awe at how sweet and loving you are....and I am empowered with the fact that you don't want me to stay here....exactly the same, in the same place, ever....but always grow, and learn and reach out for more of Your truth and love.

You touch my heart and as I grow and seek you I am so aware that you never let me down and you never run out of creative ways to show me you love me and that you care.
Thank you God