Saturday, April 30

hope in a letter

Hope came with the mail today
in a letter you sent
conveyed in words you wrote
with time you set aside
to write to me
and I felt it
like something tangible
and now I know it
in my heart,
to be true

~C

what will you do?

Sour sorrow
reeking with regret
tainted with tears
languid with longing
wrestling with resentment
while
bitterness is bristling
and we are
sighing with sadness
and
wallowing in worry
and
fearing fear itself!

why stay there?
where you are stolen from
where you are lied to
where you will die
where the same old record plays
around and around
and the music brings you
down
down
down

PSSSSSSSST : hey you, (I urgently whisper) you have a choice!
a smile?
or a frown?

~C



the beginning of the end

stack of boxes
unloaded
dispersed
in the last place
you may call home
on earth
a home they call nursing
makes me think of
the beginning
of babies
and bosoms
of swaddling
and of holding
but for you
it is about breaking down
about brittle bones
about people
not coming around
about long silences
and a lot of sitting

A whole life lived
and now reduced
boiled down
to this small room
this room
where
as you move in
you must realize
is the beginning
of the end

And maybe,
you are OK with that
because the end, really,
is only
the beginning

~C

emotional boxing ring

He's got you on the ropes
sweat dripping into your eye
a slow mo' blow to the side of your face
as you let out a wretched cry

Your face, really your heart
bleeding when tore open
and when he nails you in the kidneys,
it's really your self~esteem he is attacking
your crushed nose,
really your crushed hopes

Yes sir, he's got you on the ropes
an emotional boxing ring
where you feel like you are losing
where there seems more giving
and at the same time more taking
than one can really stand

You gotta fight him!
don't lay into the corner
don't sink onto the floor
rise up and meet him
duck and cover
swing some more!

There will always be a ding
as the round affords you a resting
where encouragement will be shouted
as your wounds are dabbed
your strength,
do not doubt it!

No matter how some will attack you
no matter what words come flying at you
no matter how intense the impact
you are equipped with all that you need
you are given the stealth to rise above
to get in the jab that silences the beating
you know the truth
you know the way
step out of the boxing ring
he has no power today

~C





new mantra

The old one used to be
"Be anxious for nothing"
Ah! The power of scripture
said over and over
until it has sunk in
until it attaches
as if woven
until it shimmers
as if golden
until it is ingrained in you
until it brings you peace
and is KNOWN by your heart
and it becomes your TRUTH

So my new one is" I am willing to be misunderstood"
"I am willing to be misunderstood"
"I am willing to be misunderstood"
every time a thought comes over me
reminding me of being judged
or criticized
or shunned
I say it again
and again to myself....

Like a calm from the center of me
it ripples outward
it severs the ties that taunt me
that want to bind me to what holds me back
the words over and over
counteracting the pull of the negative
a tug of war I know I am winning
as I say it
again

~C

finding you in everything

Sometimes I write
what I want to be said to me
what I'd like to hear
what I imagine to be true
what I need or desire
from you

Sometimes I daydream
I wonder if I'll ever...
I imagine my forever
and it's nice to see it on paper
even if it never comes true,
with you

And sometimes I sing
sing the songs that remind me
repeat the lyrics that tend to haunt me
words conveying feelings
that I have felt too,
for you

Sometimes I close my eyes
and see you in my mind
sleep and dream an adventure
we may never have together
but keep all the same
close to my heart

This concentration
of my imagination,
my voice,
my pen
that finds you...
in everything

~C

In your time

You will do it
when you are ready
and not a second
before
and no single word
no wisdom found
will alter the timing
will change how you're wound
friendship is loving
not judging
while waiting
to celebrate the moment
when you realize
you own it
where you leap and
your shown it
I want to be here
want to witness
you walk in it
even if I have to patient
even
if I have to wait,
for your perfect time
until, revelation
until
fruition,
Oh my friend
my dear friend
you are worth it!

~C

creeping up

Like a crack
in your glass
that is causing it
to drip
comes the awareness
that something solid
is now altered
damaged
and faltering
something shifted
off kilter
off balance
a finger with a splinter
a bruise that doesn't hurt
until I press it
but I can see it
see that I've recently bashed into something
see
that somethings amiss
somethings askew
and so I ask you...

do you know yourself
well enough
to know that you know
you're not right?
to know that you're blue
or two shades too chartreuse?

do you know when you are sad?
when you are feeling slightly bad?

when you feel it coming on
throw a lifeline
grab a song
find encouragement
talk with a friend
have someone pray with you
and come back again

~C

The Giant

You are a giant
and you've scooped me up
little ol' me
up into your giant laced fingers
you've caught me
like I would catch a butterfly
or a lightning bug
but unlike me
& the critters I catch
you've no intention
of letting me go again

I am a prize
you want to keep
even if we will never connect
in the conventional ways
even if the life you make with me
will never make sense
or feel complete
always a disconnect...

fear keeps you holding on
control, makes you hold on to me
against my will
and selfishness
it robs you
why all the while
you call it gain

little ol' me
I was never meant to fulfill
big ol' you
was never meant
to entertain you
& keep you company
at the expense of losing a life of my own

where someone can hold me
and with my own size eyes, look into my soul
where I can lay my head on his chest
and where a same sized heart is beating, softly
evenly, for me

YOUR heart is a massive drum!
it keeps me awake
it overwhelms the room
like an earth quake....

won't you let me down?
Please, won't you let me go?
I am not your pet anything
I am not performing any show
I feel caged in and kept
corralled and, I've wept
I am waiting
I am pleading
Let me go
Let me go

~C



Amish man, Modern life

The Amish Man
was built for earlier days
made to get up
with the morning rays
made to lie down with the setting sun...

But,
thrust into a modern world
that makes him cling to his pillow
curse at the sun
stay up too late
after the working is done
surfing the net
& calling his hon

He's whacked out and tired
ancient but wired
burnt out and lifeless mentally
when it used to always be physically
he feels the contrast in his bones
as he lives out the modern
but dreams of home

The simpler life
with quiet and a breeze
a field to harvest,
an orchard of apple trees

No technology distractions there
to age him extra
no routine to stick to
he's at the mercy of the weather

Here he is
isolated
cooped up
controlled
and unexcited
this modern life holds him back and...

the countryside
is calling
where his future lies
unbridled

~C

Tuesday, April 26

Easters Hope

The night before Easter I was having a hard time
walking & crying
feeling sorry for myself
and knowing it wasn't exactly constructive
but couldn't help it anyway
I just feel like I do not belong anymore
being divorced is hard
and I know it doesn't have to be
that with an awesome perspective
and with hope and with faith
I can make a way where there feels like there isn't one....

but in the midst of feeling all of that
God brought my mind to Jesus
and what He was going through the night before Easter
How He must have felt it to be the hardest day of His life on earth
where He felt the massive amount of the sins of the world
where He was separated from God twice
(just that must have left Him feeling so incredibly alone...)
where He was hated and tortured and mocked
and had people spitting in his face...
that thought alone makes me want to cry
I think if I lived back then I would have risked my whole life
just to wipe off His face for Him

but you know what God was showing me by taking me there?
He made me realize that in the span of one day
Jesus suffered the greatest amount of pain
AND then rose from the dead in His greatest Glory!
Just a DAY apart!
There is such HOPE in that!

So I want you to hold on!

In those days where you just don't have any more energy
or you cannot seem to see any light at all
I want you to hold out hope
and keep looking for it
keep your eyes searching to find
because no matter how dark the night
God will come in the morning to shine on you
FROM WITHIN YOU
He will give you more
when you feel like there is no more
He will blossom from the inside out
and dispel all that fear and doubt
that comes with feeling down and out

Hold on
and have hope in tomorrow
He gives us enough for today to hold on
and then in the morning he wipes the slate clean
and gives us a new amount
and invites us into a new day with Him
again and again He does this
always with you
He will never forsake you!

Even if it is not literally 24 hours for you
like it was for Jesus...
God wants to do that type of an amazing transformation in your life
from death to LIFE
TRUE life
REAL life
the kind of life that never ends

The kind that when you feel like you've run out
suddenly rises up within you to provide MORE
a life that is so awesome that it defies understanding
and leaves you in wonder
at the sheer POWER of it
be encouraged in your darkest days
hold out hope
and cup your hand around the flickering flame of your heart
God will never allow it to be snuffed out!

~C

Tuesday, April 12

white wins

For in the darkest night
there is a light
that shatters it
into a million shades of gray the closer you come to it
and the gray bleeds into grayish white
and the grayish white into a blinding sight
of pure white
that's the truth
and the dark
it cannot even get close
it radiates out
in a powerful way
it has existed forever
no diminishing today

This little light of mine
I'm gonna
Oh I'm gonna let it shine
from the inside out
till all the blackish grey is out
till nothing else you see
but light shining out from me

~C

you are

you are what you believe
you are what you eat
you are what you love
you are what you hate
you are what you think you are
if you think it,
it's true
you are what you think you are
you are what you do
but really
you just are
so just practice *being*
and the rest
it will come to you

~C

Realize Your Worth

I cannot try to live up to your expectations
while also letting go
to let Him live through me
the 2 don't coincide
they cannot habituate
nor can I appreciate
the clash
and the pain
that drives me insane
when I try to mesh them
when I try to thrash out
might as well
throw the trash out
and live the way I was meant to
thrive in the way I was designed
no clash of the titans
my will and my mind too
must submit to the Higher
the Great magnifier
the One who knows me inside and out
the One who can get to me
in a way that transforms me
in a way that renews me
the way of the Only

So why do I hesitate
and try to alleviate
the woes of this world
with the false that only placates
the stuff that only breeds hate
the illusion that tries to mystify
the high that buys a momentary fly
on the wings of disillusionment
why I fool myself that there will be more of it

We know the answers deep inside
and avoid them over and over again with pride
be honest with you
and admit you don't know
admit that you're not sure which place you should go
but if Eternity beckoned
if you had a fleeting chance
would you recognize it for what it was?
would you step out with God?
would you realize your worth?

Don't you want to see what God designed you to do?
Don't you want to thrive and live and love and see
what He's got waiting once you get past you?
just beyond the horizon of your perspective
half way to surrender
way past letting go
there will be a fork in the road
and you won't have to wonder which way next
He'll walk right up
and escort you the rest
of the way
of the way
of the way
you'll never have to guess
breathe knowing there is no test
freedom
at its best
where time and you and God
co-exist

~C

Sunday, April 10

SMILE

You have an unlimited supply ya know
you don't have to be so stingy
they will not expire
so you don't have to hoard them
no need to store them
so why don't you give them?

Smile big
smile bright
It brings oxygen to your brain!
they might be contagious
and inspire greatness
won't you experiment and smile today?

Why be so serious
when you could be delirious?
Why be so down
and wear that old frown?

Life really is fleeting
there are so many you could give away NOW
won't you cheer up
and let God fill your cup?

The smiles are unlimited
they come from within
and His love is so overflowing
you've got millions to give

There is something about a smile
it needs no words
to convey love and acceptance
to say so much

So smile like a goon
we'll have to go soon
and you'll feel much happier knowing
your smiles contributed to the growing

~C




Friday, April 8

THE MOMENT

Torn between two
different
in ways that cannot be compared
the same
in that they both obtain
pieces of my heart
worn out
in trying to choose
to justify one
over the other
and so THE MOMENT is lived
and a different choice is made
with each step
never seeming to weigh enough
in any one direction
as if not making a definite decision
opens the door to many more
but in avoiding the illusion
amidst the chaos
I am wondering
who is choosing what
and who is choosing whom
THE MOMENT has a life all its own
a life that is not loyal to me
either

~C


be YOU

If you stay true
to being you
it has a way
of leaving an impression
you cannot be misconstrued
or forgotten
or mistaken
for someone else

recognized
by your heart
because you wore it on your sleeve
for all to see
how could they not know your heart
like they know your eyes
if you wear it that way?

An open book
no agenda
no scheme
you mean it
and they feel it
your grounded
before you go it

and all the advice
in all the world
isn't better than
your spirit
isn't better than His word
living as part of you
and when you know Him like that
your gut will tell you
even while your eyes are searching

Your gut will know
that you know
that you ARE
who you are
and no amount
of changes
will change who you are supposed to be
because to fight it
is to BE not
to not be
YOU
and you are purposed
destined
divinely appointed
significant
important
and so SO loved
just the way you ARE

and He intends you for
G R E A T N E S S
not just "so~so"
not just OK
or mediocre
YOU may choose that for yourself
but He has bigger plans
you just have to get with Him
you just have to believe and ask
ASK and you shall receive!

and like a Dad that had your first car
waiting all along
in the garage
He is so excited to freely give it
so elated to throw you the keys
so don't keep Him waiting....

His gifts for you exceed a shiny new car
they are far more lasting
far more amazing
the kind of gifts
that keep on giving

~C





Confidence

Have confidence in what you know to be true
in who you are
and what you are about
do right by them
by you
and then let go of it

Like letting go of a balloon
that you may never see again
because chances are even if you do see it again
it won't be in the same shape you recognize
and if you are meant to see it again,
you will
I promise you

And...everything that comes together for your good
doesn't need YOU to have that happen
sometimes you can even get in the way of your own best

walk in confidence
sometimes time has a way of untangling the truth for you
and distance becomes a breather
a space created
a distance that is needed
to be able to see anything clearly
with clarity

do not fret or worry
do not doubt yourself
or your decisions
but trust God for them
in them
through them

and in a way you couldn't have imagined
or constructed on your own
He will divinely weave together the circumstances
to show you
you are cared for
you are taken care of

Circumstances and beautiful people
that prove He is alive and working
and never sleeping
on the job

Constantly weaving the good of your life
into something living and breathing
forever changing and growing
an amazing life....
a work of art!

Now let it go
to really live

~C