Sunday, November 24

These things I don't want to do

I do not want to say or do anything
that confirms the lies you believe about you

I do not want to think or feel the wanting for the thing
that does not lead me back to you

I don't want to keep making choices that prove to you
I don't really love you

I do not want to do the thing
that I do not want to do....

So it is when I find myself walking in that direction
that I pause
that I wait
willing myself to remember the goal
the dream

40,000 key locks on one gate...
that I put there myself
to stop me from going in
from going there again
and sabotaging the life God destined for me,

And then I turn
and I run
the other way
away from what takes away
away from the thing I always perceived as giving to me
the getting...never a gain
never worth the loss, the cost....
never worth
losing us for
never worth
losing me for.

~C

Monday, August 26

mind over matterS

A decision to love yourself
to put YOU first
instead of waiting for leftovers
or being the leftovers
or letting the leftovers of your heart choose for you

I have this uncanny way of waiting for something
like I am eternally at a bus stop
and I have grown accustomed with not going anywhere
as if I am waiting for someone to walk up
and hand me a ticket
where THEY think I should go

But I know me
I know what I like
and what I don't
and I have ideas of where I'd like to go....
the tricky part is the "here to there" part
the puzzling thing is that I rather spend my time dreaming
and not all the time GOING
and then I feel like a loser for not going
and then I just get sad

and so on and so on

Choosing change
has to do with just doing it
with accomplishing something little
and then something more
building something
and believing in yourself,
that it is within your capacity

Believing God has an adventure past your doorstep
if you are just willing to get outside
literally OUTSIDE
with random people and in random places
but also OUTSIDE your head
out of your rut
with grooves so deep you need 4 wheel drive
and determination
and guts to defy yourself

By now you know what works
and you know what doesn't help at all
and to choose to be conscious
in your own life
would be really helpful
and to be accountable too
would be magnificent

You know that you know that you know
you can do it
so get outside
get outside your head.

~C

Inside OUT


On the outside,
it's where you wear your inside
and you cannot hide
no matter how many layers you wear
or try to distract as you accessorize....
what gives you away is that you are uncomfortable
you shift
and you straighten
but your pants don't fit
and in your heart
you feel you just don't fit in
not in your clothes
or in with your friends
or in your life
like they cast the wrong body
to play your body.

Inside there is a woman
dying to be lived out
that looks nothing like you
who is not self conscious or stressed
who walks with a little self confidence
and she is thinking of you
as much as you are thinking of who you could be
if you put in the effort.

Letting your outside meet with your inside
where your thoughts become actions
and actions fuel goals
and by putting one foot after the other
and running the miles it takes to reach her,
reach you.

When you are determined
and when your inside and your outside
become so similar
the success is palpable
reachable
and your living it
your doing it
your loving life
and not distracted anymore
with how your pants don't fit.


~C

Thursday, July 11

Forgiving

This deep deep truth
a rooted knowing
that to pray for you
would free me

to pray for you
would stop opening this old wound
again and again
would take the sting from my memories
would break chains
and allow me to really breathe again

because in my spiritual life
I am holding my breath
unable to really move forward
choking on the pain and the hurt
and the loss and the anger

all vines, wound too tight
around my heart
a constant string around my finger
a reminder to forgive you
to let you go from this cage
where I have locked you up
for hurting me
and paced in front of it
for what feels like decades

nothing good
comes from holding you there
because sadly
it holds ME there
so I end up dwelling in a place I never wanted
lurking in a past that keeps me hurting...wallowing

like trying to hold a crow
that keeps pecking your hand
why would you let it make wounds
when you could release it?

Oh wretched heart
that doesn't know what to do
that doesn't know how to let go

God knows how
and He is urging me now
to start with one prayer
and then say another
and then one day
I'll be freed from being held under
a curse I allowed
while I held onto hate
an emotion to me so foreign
so binding
and so crippling

to let go
to move past
to allow it to wash over me
and then settle at my feet
so I can step aside from it
and walk on down the beach

Those prayers keep washing
one layer at a time
exposing layer after layer
and reclaiming
all
that once
was mine.

~C

She

Bright blond hair
blue eyes
and fair
but tan in summer
if you must know your share
of random personal facts

and

She cares too much
and she cannot be convinced
that she should watch the news
(truth can't be minced)
and you can woo her with lies
because she knows the things she likes to hear
but she can see it in your eyes
if you really love, if she is dear

She likes to collect nudes
but is too shy to be naked,
listens to the roar of the ocean
and wonders at how it never stops and never tires...

She watches her children sleep and then takes countless pictures
from all angles
and stays up far too late writing these words
copied from handwritten pages.

~C

Best of you

Chances squandered
opportunities lost
like potential trapped within you
bored with the waiting
wondering if it will ever be
never being able to breathe
or step outside of you to see
it's reality
it's possibility

This dream you think of everyday
but never allow to come out to play

That lurks in the shadows
of who you could be
and plays peek a boo with
all that you "should" be

Two voices war...
one wanting the best for you

The other trying to get the best OF you,
that voice is trying to waste time
to distract you
to get you to burn out

And the other, that one that wants the best
it fights for NOW
for you to take the steps now
that will open the doors of later
that will open the windows that let all the light in
that will shine all over your future

And you get to decide who wins out
you get to foster hope
or retire to sighing
you get to dig deep and push
or watch it slip away from you
from a distance

That lady that started as the secretary
20 years later she is the CEO
and her advice?
to do everything
with your everything
to give your best
no matter your title

And if she never started?
she'd have never begun
she'd have never believed
she'd have never won

Listen to me
about listening.

The voice you heed
is either getting the best of you
or evoking the best from you

And you get to decide.

~C

a FLASH , a VAPOR

Get out of your head
stop analyzing
let go
and don't strategically plan your every move
wing it
just for today
and make it up as you go along
let the wind
take you where it will
don't do anything
you normally do
think outside the box
open the box and get out!
run with it
go with it
go with the flow
end up somewhere unexpected
somewhere different
somewhere amazing
stop texting
and look up
look around you
don't let life pass you by
smell those roses
notice those white fluffy clouds
those bright "hello" faces
be alive
within your life
and try not to blink
it will be gone
in a FLASH.

~C

Friday, June 7

THRIVE

My reality
my own creation
born of my experience
out of the emotions those caused
nothing like yours
even though we may feel the same
even though we may feel different
or process things
as differently as the sun and the moon

I want to scream
you run and hide
I go to bat
you crumble and cry
I bite my nails
you drink and party
a stressor
a distractor
a coping mechanism
a learned response
that has solidified over time
and deepened and evolved
not always for the better

So now you are calling me out
challenging my pig headed ways
and my calculated wanderings
I know what I am doing
even if I never acknowledge it
even if what I do does not serve me anymore
but save me from it
if it makes me worse
if it takes away
and pushes you to a far corner of my universe

We get this way
one step at a time
one habit gone wrong
one fracture too much
deep in our heart of hearts
and what was once clear
has fuzzy edges now
before going blurry
and sometimes made worse through tearful eyes
or made numb with giving up
or giving in
or with distancing
from all our unraveling dreams
the ones we made for ourselves without consulting God

Don't give up on me
on the part of me that won you over
and convinced you I was dear
and made you laugh
and held you close
the very core of me, sincere
don't magnify my faults and fears
don't challenge me without love

My very best is woven in
with the worst and with the in-between
I am such a mix of everything
and sometimes I can be too much for myself
sometimes I want to walk away from me too
or just turn down my volume
or shut it down....just for a day

So I don't have to process things
I don't have to think
or make one choice
or have one feeling
or be anywhere
or meet anyone
or try

But life keeps on spinning
whether you participate or not
and I was designed to do God's bidding
He has carved a spot for me....
a specific place where I am needed and wanted
a place where I am understood
encouraged
and inspired
to be just as I am
and He'll wait for me forever
to arrive

So there is no comparison
not to you
no, to none
my life will never be duplicated
and what I can offer is individually ONE
one experience
one perspective
one compassion
all my own
one road walked
and sometimes ran
and sometimes crawled
to reach a place only I could have arrived
to do a job created only for me
tailored and designed
for me to succeed
to prosper
to thrive
T H R I V E
simply by being alive.

~C



Wednesday, February 20

The thing with wings

Hope
is constantly singing The Best is Yet To Come
while wooing me with God's promises
and smiling, SMILING
fully convincing me of everything

~C

Heart of Him

I can't be your everything
I won't be
that place was set for God in your life
and those shoes are not be meant to be filled
by any other
especially not by a human
not by me for you
& not by you for me

All eggs in one basket?
and what if you trip and fall?
like betting all you have on one spin!
The stress of that!
all or nothing...
the human way

wishing we could live in that moment
while the wheel is spinning
wishing it would never stop
so we could endlessly feel anticipation
and hope in it's purest form

after all, pressure makes coal into a diamond...
but that is science baby
pressure was never meant to be applied
not to each other for love
to get your needs met

I will never fulfill that need in you
no matter how consistent I am
like answering an ad for a job
I was never qualified for
and never will be

so it will feel close, it may look similar at times
when everything is just right
but the love you and I could create on our own
pales in comparison to God's love
and the the love we could have through Him
and I want the real deal

So give it away
mail your heart to heaven
entrusted to God to direct and fulfill it
to nurture and sustain it
only when you are full of Him
will you ever be able to fully use your heart anyway...

~C



Wednesday, January 30

His call, answered

Taking a step in faith
an invitation accepted
that I first tried to return

More comfortable with what was
with what I could expect
than the mystery you offered

But I gathered my courage
and decided to go
to seek your voice
and heed your calling

I don't know what to expect at all
but wait, already knowing
you have amazing plans for me
that you love me dearly
& that you want me to trust you

and I do

So I am here God
with open arms
and closed eyes
feeling for your spirit
with my heart

Expectant in meeting you
knowing you are so excited
to be with me too

~C