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Showing posts from 2013

These things I don't want to do

I do not want to say or do anything that confirms the lies you believe about you I do not want to think or feel the wanting for the thing that does not lead me back to you I don't want to keep making choices that prove to you I don't really love you I do not want to do the thing that I do not want to do.... So it is when I find myself walking in that direction that I pause that I wait willing myself to remember the goal the dream 40,000 key locks on one gate... that I put there myself to stop me from going in from going there again and sabotaging the life God destined for me, And then I turn and I run the other way away from what takes away away from the thing I always perceived as giving to me the getting...never a gain never worth the loss, the cost.... never worth losing us for never worth losing me for. ~C

mind over matterS

A decision to love yourself to put YOU first instead of waiting for leftovers or being the leftovers or letting the leftovers of your heart choose for you I have this uncanny way of waiting for something like I am eternally at a bus stop and I have grown accustomed with not going anywhere as if I am waiting for someone to walk up and hand me a ticket where THEY think I should go But I know me I know what I like and what I don't and I have ideas of where I'd like to go.... the tricky part is the "here to there" part the puzzling thing is that I rather spend my time dreaming and not all the time GOING and then I feel like a loser for not going and then I just get sad and so on and so on Choosing change has to do with just doing it with accomplishing something little and then something more building something and believing in yourself, that it is within your capacity Believing God has an adventure past your doorstep if you are just willi

Inside OUT

On the outside, it's where you wear your inside and you cannot hide no matter how many layers you wear or try to distract as you accessorize.... what gives you away is that you are uncomfortable you shift and you straighten but your pants don't fit and in your heart you feel you just don't fit in not in your clothes or in with your friends or in your life like they cast the wrong body to play your body. Inside there is a woman dying to be lived out that looks nothing like you who is not self conscious or stressed who walks with a little self confidence and she is thinking of you as much as you are thinking of who you could be if you put in the effort. Letting your outside meet with your inside where your thoughts become actions and actions fuel goals and by putting one foot after the other and running the miles it takes to reach her, reach you. When you are determined and when your inside and your outside become so similar the success is

Forgiving

This deep deep truth a rooted knowing that to pray for you would free me to pray for you would stop opening this old wound again and again would take the sting from my memories would break chains and allow me to really breathe again because in my spiritual life I am holding my breath unable to really move forward choking on the pain and the hurt and the loss and the anger all vines, wound too tight around my heart a constant string around my finger a reminder to forgive you to let you go from this cage where I have locked you up for hurting me and paced in front of it for what feels like decades nothing good comes from holding you there because sadly it holds ME there so I end up dwelling in a place I never wanted lurking in a past that keeps me hurting...wallowing like trying to hold a crow that keeps pecking your hand why would you let it make wounds when you could release it? Oh wretched heart that doesn't know what to do that doesn'

She

Bright blond hair blue eyes and fair but tan in summer if you must know your share of random personal facts and She cares too much and she cannot be convinced that she should watch the news (truth can't be minced) and you can woo her with lies because she knows the things she likes to hear but she can see it in your eyes if you really love, if she is dear She likes to collect nudes but is too shy to be naked, listens to the roar of the ocean and wonders at how it never stops and never tires... She watches her children sleep and then takes countless pictures from all angles and stays up far too late writing these words copied from handwritten pages. ~C

Best of you

Chances squandered opportunities lost like potential trapped within you bored with the waiting wondering if it will ever be never being able to breathe or step outside of you to see it's reality it's possibility This dream you think of everyday but never allow to come out to play That lurks in the shadows of who you could be and plays peek a boo with all that you "should" be Two voices war... one wanting the best for you The other trying to get the best OF you, that voice is trying to waste time to distract you to get you to burn out And the other, that one that wants the best it fights for NOW for you to take the steps now that will open the doors of later that will open the windows that let all the light in that will shine all over your future And you get to decide who wins out you get to foster hope or retire to sighing you get to dig deep and push or watch it slip away from you from a distance That lady that started as the s

a FLASH , a VAPOR

Get out of your head stop analyzing let go and don't strategically plan your every move wing it just for today and make it up as you go along let the wind take you where it will don't do anything you normally do think outside the box open the box and get out! run with it go with it go with the flow end up somewhere unexpected somewhere different somewhere amazing stop texting and look up look around you don't let life pass you by smell those roses notice those white fluffy clouds those bright "hello" faces be alive within your life and try not to blink it will be gone in a FLASH. ~C

THRIVE

My reality my own creation born of my experience out of the emotions those caused nothing like yours even though we may feel the same even though we may feel different or process things as differently as the sun and the moon I want to scream you run and hide I go to bat you crumble and cry I bite my nails you drink and party a stressor a distractor a coping mechanism a learned response that has solidified over time and deepened and evolved not always for the better So now you are calling me out challenging my pig headed ways and my calculated wanderings I know what I am doing even if I never acknowledge it even if what I do does not serve me anymore but save me from it if it makes me worse if it takes away and pushes you to a far corner of my universe We get this way one step at a time one habit gone wrong one fracture too much deep in our heart of hearts and what was once clear has fuzzy edges now before going blurry and sometimes made worse

The thing with wings

Hope is constantly singing The Best is Yet To Come while wooing me with God's promises and smiling, SMILING fully convincing me of everything ~C

Heart of Him

I can't be your everything I won't be that place was set for God in your life and those shoes are not be meant to be filled by any other especially not by a human not by me for you & not by you for me All eggs in one basket? and what if you trip and fall? like betting all you have on one spin! The stress of that! all or nothing... the human way wishing we could live in that moment while the wheel is spinning wishing it would never stop so we could endlessly feel anticipation and hope in it's purest form after all, pressure makes coal into a diamond... but that is science baby pressure was never meant to be applied not to each other for love to get your needs met I will never fulfill that need in you no matter how consistent I am like answering an ad for a job I was never qualified for and never will be so it will feel close, it may look similar at times when everything is just right but the love you and I could create on our own pale

His call, answered

Taking a step in faith an invitation accepted that I first tried to return More comfortable with what was with what I could expect than the mystery you offered But I gathered my courage and decided to go to seek your voice and heed your calling I don't know what to expect at all but wait, already knowing you have amazing plans for me that you love me dearly & that you want me to trust you and I do So I am here God with open arms and closed eyes feeling for your spirit with my heart Expectant in meeting you knowing you are so excited to be with me too ~C