Tuesday, June 9

YOU...are amazing

Seeking instead of relishing
relishing in the NOW, in what now has to offer you...
wasting the day remembering or looking so far ahead, that you trip
and fall, on your face, in the mud!
Ah to be content, in myself TODAY!
to accept the ME God created me to be!
Why do I have to remind myself so often??

Isn't it so amazing to think of how many sperm were in that one shot...(OK gross maybe if you think too long on it and recognize that that was the very beginning of your existence) but REALLY, out of all those sperm, YOU were the one that made it! Or half of you was...the other half of you resided in the egg, but let's not get distracted by a tangent of specifics! Let's focus on the MIRACLE!!

So you made it! You beat the odds! What was it, 20,000 to One? (Do I have to google the answer and get an exact average #, because I am too immature for that....it will just send me back to sex ed class, and to how HILARIOUS it was for me. I am so immature....)
So you won the lottery of LIFE, OK?! Let's not take this so lightly....
and on top of THAT, you were designed by God to be EXACTLY who you ARE. How awesome is that?! Just dwell on that!

So when you are sitting there picking at yourself, at what you ARE NOT, at how you are LACKING, at how you'd be so much better if you could just master your flaws....
PLEASE remember how exceptional you are, in just EXISTING!
Give yourself a break and realize how amazing and beautiful you are, how PERFECT you are in your imperfectness, and then relax...

.....because God is going to do great things with your significant, perfect yet imperfect life with all it's exceptional timing and chaos....You beat the odds in the beginning, and you will keep on beating them just in LIVING!

Just LET yourself live and begin to LOVE yourself,


Sunday, June 7

endlessly waiting

It seems like I am waiting for you to reach out, but if it isn't there, it isn't there, is it?
It cannot work otherwise, and the fleeting times you do initiate burn bright red and linger in their rarity, a heightened moment of clarity that has me mouthing the words..."only if"
Only if, he did this constantly...OK then,consistently.
I want to be with someone who reaches for me. Who wants to want to reach for me.
but in the waiting I am learning to be fulfilled by God, and be resolute in his Love, so I am not endlessly looking for validation and affection, tossed by emotion, while I wait to experience it all again.
What's to say it won't all happen again if we try for it, like an endless tide pattern of low tide/ high tide....
I cannot function under the whims of the tide anymore, I am incapable now.
I feel like I am building up the nerve to strike out on my own, in my own way, on my own terms and I am preparing to say no, no that is not enough....and no I will not jump through hoops for you. and NO, I must resist the few bits that lead me down this path...they never sustain me, and they are fleeting, if only you could STAY.
Are you waiting until I get "toned"? All fit and trim and then what....will that make it all better? Won't there always be something lacking with that same old mind set? There will always be something else....
and if your mind set changed, it would radiate from you. It would be something that you could not hide or fool me with....
but you still talk of the world, embracing all the temptations and snares it lies before us, in possessions and the physical....succumbing to pride you are enamoured with and want what you see, and with what tempts you, and while I can appreciate what I see through artist eyes, I rather invest deeply in the matters of the heart and mind.
When you cultivate that or even attempt to, it is then that you can embrace yourself and your life for what it IS, and what it was meant to be.....with all it's flaws and short-comings even, because that is just part of the deal....it comes with being here.
We were not designed to constantly compare ourselves, our circumstances, our lot in life!
I remind myself of the word "insanity" and I check myself....am I doing AGAIN the same things and expecting different results?
Yeah, I am doing it again.....and I said I WOULD'T!!!
I tell myself it is just a matter of patience, of waiting, but I have yet to define how long or for what exactly. If I am not careful, life may slip by unnoticed.
So I dig deep into my gut and pull out what is hiding in there, and I analyze it in the light....the insecurities and the rejected scars that mar the fleshy pink. I want to be able to look at my stretch marks of life and recognize them for what they are....not flaws, but beautiful reminders of how far I've come, of what I've done and accomplished, and a reminder of what I participated in, and I gave, and I risked.....
and therefore altering my flesh, so that my spirit could thrive.
would you do it all again?
Then it was worth it, embrace it!

Monday, June 1

pale grey

memories stained with heartache
love sent out...
return to sender
mixed with love divine
when "just right"
"just right", no rhyme or reason
like seasons change
before you know it, so suddenly
fortune or ruin
so white and then....
pale grey
like a morning that lulls you back into sleeping
or a separateness
that comes creeping
the waterfall of love
falls hard on rocks
that both delight in the pounding water
and can feel nothing
at any moment
and I am weeping
at the loss of you
and the sometimes love that you were keeping
for me


16 years

What could you do with sixteen years?
How much could you love me in them?
How many kisses?
How many hugs?
How many ways....love conveyed?
How many days did you wonder why
you picked a girl like me?
But then how many days were you glad?
Which thought outweighed the other?
Taken for granted many times over
beauty and light and love
fortune sought elsewhere
in anything....satisfactory....for a time
while love sat and waited
for you to discover it again
in some new light, from some new angle
Somewhere in those haunting green eyes
lurks the memory of the man
who delighted in me once
and in an isolated moment
all circumstances dim
and I feel myself drawn to him
like yesterday
just yesterday



might as well be drawn and quartered
on this road of love I have stumbled
with bloody knees
heart pierced and bleeding
never understanding
always wondering
what went missing for you
wishy washy love sloshing
messy and undirected
diluted and DISTRACTED but
hauntingly good while it lasted
for a time
until I stumbled and fell again
in the loss of your attention


open the cage

fly like a bird
to find it
open the cage
you put yourself in
and allow yourself
to know yourself
and then we'll see
if your heart belongs to me
we'll see


divine writing

I was writing one night....pleading to God and I asked:

God help me to visualize
a resurrection from this death
a flower blooming from manure
a new life from your breath
because all I can see out before me
is questionable, rickety at best
and the promise of something beautiful
has doubt perched deep in my chest

Give me your eyes to see beauty
in the ash the enemy's fire has left
I cannot find the bud forming
I cannot see it finding me yet
Hope won't elude me, but I dodge it
not wanting to feel pain ever again
not wanting to feel the rejection
that haunts my heart, digging in

Renew again my understanding
of the truth you do not hide from me
and bring it out into the open, right before me
undeniably understandable to me
so I might not waver in my path
straight for you
straight for the one I love, If that is of you
and I won't look back and wonder
I'll know because I know YOU.

and the most amazing thing happened...from my spirit, through my hand then through the pen, God wrote me an answer! It was flowing out of my mind and I wrote it down as fast as it came to me, and when I stopped and reread it, I was in awe. I had never had this happen to me, but it was so cool! Such encouragement and Love.....and here is what he said to me, through me:

You have to let go of one idea
to be able to embrace a new one
and I won't close a door and make you wonder
If I'll ever be opening a new one
My love is forever revolving
breaking down and building new
once again
and time is perfected in all of it
my timing is clear, once it is done

Do not doubt, do not wallow in sorrow
But praise God in knowing he's true
Your circumstances are not at a standstill
but forever moving in motion
with you, for you, in love

Hold fast to hope in tomorrow
my best is yet to come
do not doubt precious girl
do not wonder
how and when my work will be done
rest in knowing how much I love you
rest in knowing I AM
I will never forsake you or leave you
I am working for you toward an end

be still and do not fear in not knowing
faith perfected through heartache and wait
your tears are not lost in the falling
your heart will be able
to stand the test

Rejoice and have hope in the waiting
stand by while I'm working for you
and just know that I am in battle
outfitted in armour
a fight just for you!

Help me by praying, believing!
manifest tomorrow TODAY
and follow me to where I will lead you
I will not lead you astray!

Hold fast and tight to my wisdom
I promise I will bring you through
out into the bright new open
of everything wonderful
everything true~!

Keep fighting, do not grow weary
Do not become resigned in your heart
For the battle will not be won by the light hearted
and my word should be taken seriously

Run to me when you are questioning
lay your burdens at my feet
and I will direct your way
I will point you to the path

Listen for my voice and hear me
I call to you clearly and truly
Keep faith close to your heart
with Thanksgiving and praise
and all will be given unto you
all will be restored in Faith
In love
as it should be
and as it was meant to be
in the beginning

Do not lose heart I say to you
hold fast to the love in your heart
time is fleeting
and should be revered as so

the understanding comes from me as I show you
Otherwise wait on me in faith
and I will direct your steps
I will lead....you follow.


I hope it is encouraging to you too!


You are my crack, my booze

Yeah so we all have hang-ups. Is it that we eat too much, or run too much, or maybe we run from ourselves, or obsess over anything and everything? Maybe it is pretty obvious a problem like drinking or snorting cocaine, and sometimes it is the most subtle things that unravel the person who seems the most put-together. Anything can be crippling to anyone and the combinations are endless and played out till the end of time!

For me, it is you.

You have a way of fulfilling me and then driving me crazy with your indecisive ways and your elusive smile that comes and goes, that smile that is crowded out by your roller coaster emotions and your burdened mind.

The line "To move confidently in the direction of your dreams...." should be your mantra. Confidence is lacking! Direction is lacking! Moving, out of confusion....is lacking!

and I don't want that to drag me down too....I am involved far too much and have entangled myself so tightly into this pattern that it is dividing ME from ME!
I was riding your roller coaster for so long! Willingly running back to the front of the line again and again, just one more ride....one more familiar dance.

So I thought I stepped out and away.....
but I haven't, I am just fooling myself, I only THINK I have at times.

I am determined though....
Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of the bait and switch tactic, even if it is by default, born out of your own confusion.
I don't want to be confused and I don't willingly confuse things.
I am happy.
I know who I am.

and in that, there is such peace...
But because you haven't found your own peace, you send shock waves through mine. Your confusion is confusing!
Like a vine it wraps it's uncertainty around me....and I am certain of this!!

How do you redesign a life? Could I approach it like redesigning a room?
Is it just a matter of moving the furniture and adding some accessories? Do I paint it?
Do I move myself? Are the accessories new habits? Is the paint a new outlook or perspective?
I am going to have to donate a lot of stuff to Goodwill.....
I am not going to need it in this room anymore,
because I am determined
and I want a new happy healthy room....
and when you find peace for yourself, then maybe......


fairytale divorces

It would have been really helpful if some of the fairy tales I heard as a kid ended in divorce.
Because happily ever after....which to be truthful, sounds so simple and blissful,
is just laughable now that I am all grown up and can appreciate those words for what they
really mean!
I am not a cynic....
I could never fully condescend what still dwells in my heart.
( Once a dreamer always a dreamer, thanks in part to all those unrealistic fairytale endings! )

So really, what if Snow White divorced the Prince two years later and maybe she remarried one of the dwarfs? Too short? They domesticated her though and they love to dance, and they seem really attentive, appreciative, and adoring! Come on! Does height really matter? Ha ha....

What I am getting at, is that it would have been helpful to see some relationship problems, some bickering even....maybe she wanted to take a walk that day....and she asks the prince in a snotty tone why they always have to ride his horse?
See!! Princesses don't even use snotty tones! They are always polite and proper and so self-controlled!

SO we get these messages, that these gorgeous sweet role models not only behave impeccably, but also that they end up with the beautiful flawless life...
Let's just say it is a lot to live up to and I would love to see a remake of Snow White where she awakes in the wood after the kiss all disheveled and rumpled with her mascara all smeared!

So when I read these fairy tales to my 4 year old I secretly cringe. Am I setting her up to be a hopeless dreamer too? Will that make the realities of life seem that much louder and more uncomfortable, too harsh as she learns hard lessons?

Some things don't have to make sense.
And we have to have dreams....
even if they are unrealistic and even.....
if they end in divorce.