Wednesday, March 21

for breath and life

He will give you enough
for today
and again tomorrow
He breathed life into you,
gave you that life
and He gives that life meaning too
and knowing this gives you peace
and you do not worry about anything...
to fear is to lose time
a fish floundering on a hot dry dock
that is not His best for you
you are more than a fish
a fisher of men
a man with a purpose
a purpose with a prize
a prize that is forever growing
in the gut of you
that gives now AND later
that becomes greater and greater with time
through learning and growing
with Him showing...
connecting the dots of your life
to prove to you there is a pattern
that He is here
with you now, for forever
and the picture he paints of you
evolves as it is painted
like a sunset with many facets and faces
His ways above our ways
and His thoughts...
how amazing they must be
to have created
you.

~C

wandering solo

Through a dessert of unknowing
and wondering at everything
while waiting
for that something I'll know when I feel it
like not knowing how soft a thing is
until you touch it
the difference that comes
when viewing a face through a veil of love

A face that once, was just a passer by
now the dearest thing your eyes could behold...
all because of the yes of your heart
an acknowledgement of your soul
but a decision too, to invest in another
to let yourself go, to open up
to willingly surrender

A fond memory now
to this time of stillness
where I listen and watch and learn
and patiently wonder
when I will experience it again
and how long it will be
not wanting it to feel like an eternity...

~C





here, not here

here
but not here
aware
but gone too
you only have part of me
here with you
one hand to hold and the other one searching
groping for more
one eye on you
one eye on the door
you feel it don't you?
that half of me missing
that side of me unsatisfied
that deep part of me not knowing
not knowing if it is you or me
not knowing if I'd be happier anywhere
but here
always asking in my head if I would....
and it is the asking that steals
from me
from you too
because I am here
but I am not here
and you feel that.

~C


For J.B.

That gnawing
that feels like aching
like an itch you can never quite scratch
someone knocking on the door that has been nailed shut
it will not be easily reopened
and trying to, will jar him into acknowledgment...
or so that is the plan

He knew the choice he just made
would blow his world apart
open wide
exposing every part of it
like a gaping wound exposing bone
there would be no more hiding
no more shadows or alley ways
no shades of gray to conceal his options
there weren't any
not any more

No turning back
no last look
that was then
and he is living in the now...
hands shaking
head throbbing
the long drawn out painful process
of adjusting to the light
that some days shines too bright
and singes the end of his shame
and reminds him of the easy death of sin
(that he could still chose to die)
and yet it is exhilarating
to step out of the darkness
new and not tired
hopeful and raw
stark and fragile
and no matter how flawed he is
the plans for him are not...
this new beginning
is from God
and perfect
in it's timing

~C


Lack

He carried lack in his pocket
and took it out way too much
rolling it over in his hand
liking the familiar feel of it
no matter how it stole from him
even when it always left him wanting
and impossible it was
not to transfer that lack into the corners of his life
and into the open spaces too
rubbing it off on the people he loved
those people who would also never measure up
always the residue of lesser than
haunting the places where things are not said
but always felt
always wondered
but never given life or breath....
and what would be the use?
For as long as lack has a cozy place in his pocket
fulfillment and peace will elude him
not able to share the same space.

~C




Saturday, March 3

relating to your pain, my love

There was a time
when I was the first person you wanted to tell
to share your everything with
where we meshed together
as one
couldn't tell where you ended
and I had begun

and now you hide
now you run
look me in the eyes
and I come undone
to see the vacant expression
where love once was abound

it consumes me
the absence of you
in a room where your body sits
and spends time with me but for a moment
before you move past me again

and shift your eyes
searching for peace anywhere but here
and distracted,
courted by an artificial high
your heart stolen from me
how can I compete?

It fills the place
the absence of who you were to my life
a life once was so full of us
and you might as well be sailing away
forever bidding me goodbye
like your actions do every day...

~C


words for you

My mind will not stop writing to you
even when I will it to seise
what to do with these spilling thoughts not shared
your ears spared
for a decent amount of time
an outcome
to be determined
then...

peace in knowing
these future words
will not fall on deaf ears
when they do fall out of my mind
so I write them out anyway
and wait to share,
these letters written in the air.

~C

fighting for me

Let's move to Paris
to Portland
to Maine
Let's sweep that all under the rug
better yet, let's pretend it never happened at all.

The record is skipping
you couldn't tell?
Are you listening?
Can't you see that the pattern is perpetuating?
when will you learn?
Not him, YOU

Walk your talk
hold your ground
anything worth YOU is worth standing up for
worth the sacrifice of waiting
worth walking away from today,
(today and all its confusions)

Fight in prayer
but get out of the ring physically
your frustration isn't helping
your impatience isn't helping
you are going there again...

Step away
do not put yourself into harms way
you are worth more than that

You are WORTH it.

~C

rebirth by choice

I took you personally
you were mine
for a time
(even if you never really were)

and that is how I loved you
for me, no one else
no other options I wanted
nothing to escape

so to let go
to step back
has been a long time coming
like a closed hand
and prying open
one finger at a time
with resistance
and pain

too used to holding
too used to hoping
too used to fighting
and waiting
for anything
that confirmed my standing

because it is what I became accustomed to
and comfortable with
no matter how unsatisfying
or draining
or discouraging

doesn't make it right
or the fight worthwhile
but anything you believe is worth it
becomes so.

The mind,
a powerful thing

emerging from sleep on an overcast day
that tries to lull me back to sleep
but I will shake it from me
and see past the smokescreen
see things for other than what they "seem"

aware now, I take a sledge hammer
to each link of that chain
and crush the link between what was
and what is
the gift of awakening

~C



look you in the eyes

No matter how far you run
you'll always arrive
back at you
might as well face yourself.

~C

child like heart

Oh my baby bear
with imaginary flowers in your hair
with smiles and grace
and hope & peace

With questioning eyes
at those gray gray skies
not understanding why
every day
isn't rainbows and sunshine

life is crushing
if you let it
but in your heart of hearts
the reality you've created with your heart
is the honest truth

The way it was meant to be
way way back in history
before the world gained control of itself
and made a mess of it

So hold fast, hold strong
to all those beautiful songs
that fill your life with all the right words
that nourish your imaginings

Better to live the dream
then open your eyes
to anything that will lie to you.

~C

false reality made

deep in the forest
no bearings
and I have no breadcrumbs
no flares, no spray paint, or florescent tape...
nothing to declare
that I was here
or help me get back
back...
do I want to go back?
and isn't "lost" a relative term?
the forest knows where it is.
where it stands.
but do I?
(no) my soul whispers
but I am finding out
adapting to falling darkness
and rising dawn
as my days are defined by the level or lack of light
and finding new meanings for words,
shelter
comfort
& hunger
redefined...
Am I comfortable here?
How?
With these blisters,
these twigs in my hair?
How is it that I've made a life in here?

~C


Burn

Flash moment
too little, too late
to make it right
cannot go back again
to take precautions
for the first time
so BURN baby burn...
and what I want to know?
Did you learn?

~C

For You

These stops and starts of my heart, 
The wandering and searching part, 
in-between where there is seemingly no meaning, 
is where I dig to know, 
to find, 
what is lurking in my mind...
What is helpful? 
What is true?
I will find the answers with you. 

~C