waiting to understand

 Her daydreams built a platform  of unrealistic expectations  of a future that would never materialize and the platform was so high  that when she did fall from it her ordinary reality would crush her  with its disappointing blow -C

 You need people to congratulate you on how great you are You go around seeking their approval their little gold stars and you need to point out all the ways you are awesome to prove your worth to yourself and ward off insecurity and I guess that would be ok if that is all you did, but on top of it... You point out the short comings of others and try to hold them accountable for the things they say and the goals they make when all is right in their worlds and they feel empowered but the truth is none of us are constantly achieving our "A" game There is usually is some form of crumbling or back sliding and things happen every day to taint the view we created for ourselves yesterday so we are constantly adapting and tweaking our lives and our philosophies  to suit what is happening NOW So technically you cannot hold me to what I said then....even a moment ago I am morphing and changing as we speak developing a tougher skin, or a softer underbelly because of what happened in my

 "Michael had once read to her how God had cast a man and woman out of paradise, yet for all their human faults and failures God had shown them a way back in. Love the Lord your God and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you, don't weaken, stand against the darkness and love. Thats the way back into Eden, that's the way back to life."

 I am sorry I lost so much of myself in the past so much that I don't have left to give you now detached and hovering above the person I used to be Watching but not connected to who I have become A protective distance that keeps me from falling again from shattering It would take too long to glue me back again. -C

 The rubix cube is up on the shelf covered in dust Long ago I lost the drive to figure you out Stopped wondering what you were thinking and about all that went so wrong If I poke at the old wound it still brings me to tears but all I endured is blurred and vague now 13 years away from all that I defined as my life  and my Love -C

 I am on the other side I already walked through that fire and if you could cut me open  you would see my scars So when I encourage you in the midst of your own fire, please know that I remember I remember how harsh the heat was I am not making light of the struggle and deep down I still feel the pain too But I was transformed for the better I was made stronger in the fighting and God brought me through and He is there with you too and before you know it,  you will be on the other side with me (scars and all) and I will still be encouraging you because I know the power  of always seeking the silver lining The power that is in the Hope of Tomorrow -C

 Your right blinker is on but you are not turning I am getting used to your wrong signals like crying wolf I have learned not to trust your intentions or your mixed messages It would be great if you could be straight forward with me and make that TURN.  -C

 You don't have to leave They will bring you anything  for a fee pure isolation no human interaction, if they leave it at the door you can design your world  what you do  what you see with very little interference as long as your finances support your needs in your cave. -C 

 Isolation  Contemplation Loss Change Its not up to you, as we wait for this thing unseen to lose momentum and to die off We are vulnerable after all, to much more than the internet and social judgement We adapt and restructure our platforms so we can still have a voice or we go in and discover that we don't like ourselves much Now aware that your choices had to be taken away to redefine the ones you have yet to make Funny that it took a quarantine  to wake you from the frantic slumber that you called life Although some of them, are impervious no circumstances will ever change them, or wake the, from their deep deep sleep. -C

 You bent the arrow of my inner compass you tarnished my sheen and left me lacking A thousand decisions to stay even when my paint started cracking ...and then chipping I don't mourn the loss of you as much as I mourn the loss of me. -C

Angels go before me  They surround me They are my posse My body guards that protect me I am a celebrity, highly valuable Extremely important Loved beyond belief The daughter of the most high Chief, Jesus the Almighty I can do anything because He is with me within me as me! AMEN

 I have this reoccurring dream I am in an old victorian mansion with many rooms and I peek into them and climb the stairs to more and more rooms... and each room is filled with all kinds of treasure, paintings and jewelry and wonderful whimsical antiques and I am so enamored with them, and I try to collect some of them to buy and to take with me , but then abandon the idea as soon as I realize that I cannot decide....too many wonderful things to decide.  ..and then upon awaking I realize that all the things in my dream...I have never seen before, and I wondered if I created them all with my own mind and this fascinates me more, than all the things... -C

You embraced me into your family at 16 and at 22 I married your son and you called me your daughter He was unfaithful before and after we married, many details you will never know But you knew I loved him still when he left me right after selling the first home we renovated together I did not give up. I found my own place and roomed with my best friend while I wrote letters letters of encouragement and sincere love for our marriage I told him I would wait. I told him to come back. and He did. But he did not want to talk about why he left. Or who he left me for...(It wasn't Maggie the first time he left.) He just wanted to move on. And I wanted to talk...I wanted to know what happened...I wanted to learn from what broke us apart... But he won and we did not talk and then I got pregnant with Sky, and we really did move on, in so many ways. Then 2 years later I was pregnant with Hayden and I went to call Grandma Howard and he had a password for the first time and after he