Saturday, October 29

Figurative Leap

Like stepping out onto a ledge
no rope to tie me to where I was
no ceiling to hold me in
Like stepping away from the past
where I stayed
because it was what I knew
Because to step away like this
would have felt scary then
but now, it is scary
yet time waited until I was numb about it too
numb in a way that I can be objective
where I am not bound
or joined
where leaping is less of a risk
I have already lost so much
on this ledge I dare not look back
lest I loose my balance
and yet the world is open
out before me
all around me
with possibility
where fear cannot rule
where chance is erased by peace and knowing
where my choices become crystal clear
I am aware of everything
even too much so
and I scale back and pull a scarf around my neck
a barrier between what was and what is
I am aware
I am alive
neither wanting or regretting
only standing, facing, wondering, waiting
but knowing deep within me
that even if God asks me to jump
He's got me

~C

Tuesday, October 25

Listen to the right voice

There is a negative voice inside your head
you smile
and it wants a frown instead
it works on you
to make you doubt
it convinces you of things
that make you pout
it's main aim is to isolate you
torment you with shame and pride
it will bait you
into thinking that all you deserve is the worst
who are you to want more?
you do not come first
and actually this tid-bit is true
but not in the way it is using it against you

You were meant for giving
you were meant to serve
because in doing for others you cause a curve
a boomerang of blessing occurs
in helping
your heart swells
you feel right with the world
and within this place you are purposed for good
this is the other voice
that's words are like food
that builds you up in the best of ways
and elevates your mood

The voice that encourages you
that stays
if you ask it
that fights for you too
until you are past it
those things that bind you
that hold you back
the house of your body
never meant to be a shack
never meant for demolition
do not let the bad voice steal, kill and destroy you
that voice is death
only satisfied when it controls you

No, the voice you need to hear
holds life and promise
it only says things that will remind you
of greatness
that cheers you and guides you
that keeps the light burning inside you
and that is the voice
you need to be choosing to hear
you listen and listen
until things become clear.

~C

Tuesday, October 18

So inspired

I love to see
how your artistic eye
communicates
what you see
all that you can dream up
in your noggin
and put down
in color and ink

I can almost imagine
what you were thinking
and now
I focus on how I feel
when I stare at what you create

and how grand
to purchase a piece
to take home
to hang
and enjoy

the artistic gift
that lives on
after I have walked away
with it under my arm

~C

right back atcha

Life is like a boomerang
I am sure it is the way God designed it
so that what you put out
is what flings right back
life gives to the giver
it takes from the taker
and not necessarily in the way we expect either

you might be fine with your riches
but be lacking in your emotional wealth
and I have come to find
that one helps you live in your mind
and the other just provides covers

how's "your way" workin out for ya?
is it getting old...the same old same old?
the predictable pain
the familiar disappointment
the broken record that only provides band aids of pleasure
the cheap kind of band-aid
that wears off in hours
and you are always searching for a new box
you go through them so fast....

how's that working for you
holding everyone to such high standards
everyone but you...
sending out vibes of unforgiveness
towards the ones you need it from most...
not recognizing all the amazing things God presents to you
because you are too focused on you...
running
but never arriving
climbing
but never reaching
looking
but never seeing
We have this amazing choice to not look
this freedom that we can abuse
but it is like someone giving you a set of wings
and you tear it apart to detail your car
you don't even get it
don't you want to get it?

God says seek and you will find
simply knock at the door
and it will be flung open to you!
Man it is so eeeaaaaasssssssy
even faith only needs to be the size of a mustard seed
God wants you to succeed
He designed it to be effortless
but it has to start in your mind
once it comes together it IS effortless
but you have to take the first step
He is not the kind of God that will do it for you
He won't even grab your legs and push you
it has to be all you
and you only have to muster up ONE STEP
and when you begin
you have arrived
when you reach out
he reaches back
What you put out
is what you get back
so what are you investing in?
what kind of legacy are you intending to leave?
redeem your story with that first step
choose tomorrow TODAY
by choosing the road less traveled by
it is the road flaming with glory
a road that gives to you more and more
the farther you go down it
the more you choose to make it your own
be sure of the path
and of who you are
and God will consume your life
until you do not recognize it
and the person who faces the most heart wrenching tragedy
will have learned to see it as opportunity
will have insight and understanding
that will not enable the dark to snuff out that light
and then giving will be effortless
and then life will just seem to give back
but you will know better
you will know it is all God
and that it started with your one step
with looking around you and being present in today
not looking back and getting lost in yesterday
not dwelling on regrets or shameful shortcomings
do not get lost in the wilderness of what was
the trees all look the same
and you'll spend a lifetime
trying to make your way out of a maze.

~ C

Believe to Receive

In the scripture Mark 11:24 NKJV where God says,

Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them”

I think we take that in and expect something physical.
We expect to get something tangible in the process, but I think God is bigger than that.
He doesn't think like we do.

He knows that transforming our mind is more powerful than winning the lotto.
Spiritual riches outweigh physical riches so much so,
that if we knew just how much,
we would only seek to gather the spiritual ones.
But gaining those spiritual riches are not always comfortable for us in the physical sense, so we instead seek the things of this world that DO comfort us.....comfort for our bodies, and for our minds.....because even if it is just for a short time, that seems like an oasis to us in our complicated drama filled lives.

It goes back to what control we FEEL that we have, and wanting to grasp onto that for dear life.
The irony of that is that if we embraced what God wanted to take us through,
no matter how uncomfortable that is physically,
we would be transforming our minds,
and in that transformation,
we would gain an inner peace that would surpass any momentary physical pleasure we could ever experience
and further more...
it is a gift that keeps on giving, a permanent altering of our inner core that God will build upon to bring us closer and closer to PEACE!
peace that surpasses understanding
peacefulness in that we will not walk in worry or fear
or make choices out of insecurity or defensiveness
or envy or hoard or steal
the more peace
the more you can operate out of the gifts that were clearly given to you
so that you can be the blessing
the obvious messenger
that shines with love and hope
that encourages and lifts up
another in need
another hurting or lost
or tangled up in a way
that help is necessary
you were purposed at this time
in this place
to be the hands and the feet
for the one who saves
a willing vessel
with a specific gift for reaching that certain person
in a certain place
and no one could say it the way you will say it
no one can relate the way you can relate
going through what you have
enduring what you've endured
surviving what you have survived
you understand in a way
that someone else could not
and in that moment of relating
your struggle is purposed
your pain is not all loss
God took you through
and when you came out of it on the other side
He handed you a testimony
and your story of survival
becomes a message of hope
a silver lining you can actually testify to
a tone of voice that convinces with it's belief
having walked through it personally
and having survived
and in knowing
the comfort of God during
that it is pure victory!


~C


no solicitation necessary

You don't have to sell you
if you are being you
If you are selling something
you're implying it has to be sold
the person has to be convinced...
If you just BE,
you sell yourself automatically
without selling you at all
They love you for being you
you give off the vibe that you are content with you
and it attracts people
they can feel you mean it
that it is effortless
no effort
no fear
no worry
being you
brings more then if you ever
tried
then if you ever marketed
WHY
they should love you

~C


Friendlies



I gather people into my boat
I feel understood by them
or think that I understand them
and I adopt them into my healthy surroundings
where I am spurred on
lifted up
ENCOURAGED
to be the woman God meant for me to be

Select the few that will see you through
that will stand with you when the going gets tough
that won't let you quit
but also tell you when to let go
people who will let you cry
and then tell you it is OK to cry
and then remind you that there is a time for mourning
but a time for rejoicing too
and that is what you have to look forward to

People who speak life and hope
people who behold you in love
and know you
know your patterns and your funks
and know when to stay & know when to go
who pray for you
whether they tell you or not
and always want the very best for you
who give you a leg up
when you don't feel you have one to stand on anymore

Less like friends
more like family
and so we'll call them "friendlies"
sometimes even closer than your real family
a support system close to you
in proximity,
but also in heart

~C



3 rabbits

walking


crying


lost inside


wishing I was lost outside too


so I didn't have to go back


cannot stand to be shunned


or beheld with disdain


scrutinized


criticized


you are not my friend


friends do not say the things you do


they say truth in love


they don't hate the very things


that make you, YOU


I feel torn down


rejected once again


why do you spend any time with me at all


if who I am repels you


if who I am annoys you


I don't belong here


I don't belong anywhere


this in between life


after divorce




still walking


2 miles


3 miles


I have on the wrong shoes


stood up and just started walking


so I wouldn't cry for an audience


1/2 a mile in I see a rabbit


then 2 miles later another


and not until I saw the third at the end of my walk


did it come together for me




the Trinity


watching over me


the night before Easter


as I walked


as I cried


He sees me


He cares




~C


Media

Media shmedia
I rather eat dirt
then listen to your sherbert
your rainbow creation
of shock value and inflation
of lies and of horror
why do I have to weed through?
it's torture

its depressing
it's sad
and yeah maybe it's reality
but it weighs me down bad
and I cannot just shake it
and call it a day
after media has infested
my mind in that way

I won't believe what you want me
to take in as gospel
I won't make decisions
based on your hostile distortions of "truth"
on the facts of today
I remember what I learned in school
the lessons they no longer teach today
so chances are someday soon
you'll be changing your tune

and just to keep track drives me crazy
so much information
and so hazy
so lacking & shocking
your boat won't be docking
at my mind today

~C

do the wash

the volume is slowly being turned up
stress overtaking
obvious need for breaking
away from the norm
into quietness to recoup
a time out for the mommy
to breath slowly
to think only
of soothing things that comfort
of what is right
of what is good
time slows and swirls and whispers "it's ok"
as I regret losing my cool
and having a sharpness to my tone
all of me pleading for some time alone
to gather myself up
to toss myself into the laundry
and end up warm and fresh and reeking of Bounce
Ahhhh
ok, I am ready again to be the mom
ready to be patient and kind
no more shouts

~C

mine

you are the silver lining
in a sky so gray
the smile and hug that greets me
after a long hard day
you are the optimistic
that charms me with your half full glass
you help me chase away my worries
help the bad times quickly pass
through years and tears you've given me
the hope I did not have
by showing me your consistant love
your compassion like a salve

~ C


Me

You want to hear happy
you want me to never stop smiling
it is the me that you need me to be
but I get sad too
and I need you
to cheer me
like I cheer you
to lift me up
and turn me toward sunshine
to point out the blessings
and direct me away from the mud
I know I seem to have no worries
and so maybe you come to depend on that
but I am human after all
on my own rocky journey
learning and falling
struggling and calling, out to God in my darkest day
wondering aloud why things have to be this way
and then once out of my system
I can reboot and listen
for His next brilliant direction
with your encouragement
we all make a selection
of the armor and the smiles we will choose to wear
to face another day
to show others we will bare
the things that Do happen, the spills along the way
but we have each other
and hope,
and each day
I'll choose to try harder to resist what steals
to avoid the pit falls
to ride the rails
into a brighter day
where I can encourage once again
where I can lean on God
so you can lean on me....
I will find the courage
will fight for
the "me"
you need me to be

~C

Sunday, October 16

now and then and what will be

This time in life
where I look back in appreciation of my youth
and where I do not yet feel old
where I notice wrinkles
where I can not stay up as late as I used to
or sit on the floor and scrap book all night
a place where I find myself starting over
from the middle
and you know your life isn't even half lived
but innocence is so far away now
and the cards are on the table
you are aware of loss
and of hurt
and of pain
you are aware that your life will not be a fairy tale
but you are free of that now too,
that belief that kept leaving you shocked and disappointed
you can move forward and expect the unconventional best
the unknown can be scary
and yet fascinating, satisfying
not your dream, but God's dream for you
the more I let go
the more I can trust God
the more I embrace the adventure
and make peace with the struggle that came with being in a better place
the better I feel
the better I am
and the future instead of daunting
is teaching me that it is amazing
and mostly
because it is a surprise

~C

Saturday, October 8

a wondering rambling

Eternally waiting
for me to say what
for me to do what
what is the key
that you think will unlock it
that will trigger
or knock it
or pick it
or unearth it
will produce it
or poof!
you're waiting for something
I feel it
I peel it
a long rind
that is winding
that is swirling down
and I am finding
that the feeling is like a pregnancy
an unspoken expectation
that is haunting me
that is hovering
forever leaving messages
on answering machines
that no one is checking
that just sit there blinking
until the box is full
and that is worse
the box is full
there are no options to voice it
no more space for your questions
for your reaching out
so you keep waiting
for that poof moment
while the air hangs big and pregnant
over you like a grey cloud
and it hovers over me too
while I watch you
waiting
wanting to run
just to not feel it
or feel that grey cloud
hovering
and wanting
but never knowing
when to act

~C

dream on

Longer deeper wider
the road I'm on
this time
this dawn
this paper moon that teases me
this illumination
I cannot see
this other chapter
where it gets exciting
this amazing book
I can't stop writing

This wonder never satisfied
these arms filled and holding
someone warm,
a love inviting
fulfilling
never biting
never a cold that stings
that takes away
a night that quickly extinguishes day
merciful of only me
so I don't have to face it
even for a night
so I can sleep

Don't wake it
this sorrowful song within my soul
playing on in my dreams
don't shake it
these trees about to give in to fall
the moment where they lose it all
the music swells and violins rise
to convey the extent of the loss...the lie
to stay here
is to be in too deep
treading and tiring
the time is steep
with pressure, decisions will be made
all is altered but I am not dismayed
change is surreal and can be changed in a whim
dream on
the chime will sound in the end

Stay
where time draws you on
where you may not know anything
but you feel everything
and your apprehension is kept at bay
and your heart risks all to say it
and you act on things you wouldn't
you seize the moment
even knowing you couldn't
if you weren't here
in this surreal state
for a set time
on a certain date
it is as much your reality
as you want to give gravity
no matter how imaginative
or serene
or other worldly...

....and I hold you tightly
knowing if I believe it enough
I will wake up with you in my arms.

~C

new one

The attention of some
but I know it isn't you
feel I'll know you
when you get here
when I come undone
when I feel alive again

pause
a frozen frame
a waiting game
although the merry-go-round never stops
though the shoe just never drops
though my heart's an open sore
and I've never been here before

so I wait
and I wonder
and I walk the talk
automatic pilot of a paper airplane
in a voracious wind
that whips the waves
and drives the rain
tossed and drained
from resisting
from twisting
and turning back to see
if you cared enough to follow me

but turning back
just gets me salt
the sun and its rays
make me look ahead
for that something new
for that brand new you
that you I don't know
don't cha know
I've been waiting for you
knowing you'd only get here
when I stopped lookin back
when I stopped tripping up
stopped doubting my lack

~C






distance

The measurement can't be determined
the distance between you & me
when you can reach out to touch me
but you don't
we might as well be miles apart
and the last time you did
you were you
and I was me
now,
who are we?

That was so long ago
and this is now
uncharted
undetermined...

Your plane has been delayed
so get cozy in the terminal
where your good time depends
on what's in your head
and your heart will discover
what really is dead

Quieted
you can listen
you can feel
a passion put out
smothered
and covered
under layers of promises
broken
under a woolen blanket
of reality

I am waiting for something
standing on a platform
without a schedule
hoping for nothing
just looking
numb and spaced out
eyes set on the blue sky
with empty in my heart
a fire gone out
smoking

~C