Saturday, October 29

Figurative Leap

Like stepping out onto a ledge
no rope to tie me to where I was
no ceiling to hold me in
Like stepping away from the past
where I stayed
because it was what I knew
Because to step away like this
would have felt scary then
but now, it is scary
yet time waited until I was numb about it too
numb in a way that I can be objective
where I am not bound
or joined
where leaping is less of a risk
I have already lost so much
on this ledge I dare not look back
lest I loose my balance
and yet the world is open
out before me
all around me
with possibility
where fear cannot rule
where chance is erased by peace and knowing
where my choices become crystal clear
I am aware of everything
even too much so
and I scale back and pull a scarf around my neck
a barrier between what was and what is
I am aware
I am alive
neither wanting or regretting
only standing, facing, wondering, waiting
but knowing deep within me
that even if God asks me to jump
He's got me

~C

Tuesday, October 25

Listen to the right voice

There is a negative voice inside your head
you smile
and it wants a frown instead
it works on you
to make you doubt
it convinces you of things
that make you pout
it's main aim is to isolate you
torment you with shame and pride
it will bait you
into thinking that all you deserve is the worst
who are you to want more?
you do not come first
and actually this tid-bit is true
but not in the way it is using it against you

You were meant for giving
you were meant to serve
because in doing for others you cause a curve
a boomerang of blessing occurs
in helping
your heart swells
you feel right with the world
and within this place you are purposed for good
this is the other voice
that's words are like food
that builds you up in the best of ways
and elevates your mood

The voice that encourages you
that stays
if you ask it
that fights for you too
until you are past it
those things that bind you
that hold you back
the house of your body
never meant to be a shack
never meant for demolition
do not let the bad voice steal, kill and destroy you
that voice is death
only satisfied when it controls you

No, the voice you need to hear
holds life and promise
it only says things that will remind you
of greatness
that cheers you and guides you
that keeps the light burning inside you
and that is the voice
you need to be choosing to hear
you listen and listen
until things become clear.

~C

Tuesday, October 18

So inspired

I love to see
how your artistic eye
communicates
what you see
all that you can dream up
in your noggin
and put down
in color and ink

I can almost imagine
what you were thinking
and now
I focus on how I feel
when I stare at what you create

and how grand
to purchase a piece
to take home
to hang
and enjoy

the artistic gift
that lives on
after I have walked away
with it under my arm

~C

right back atcha

Life is like a boomerang
I am sure it is the way God designed it
so that what you put out
is what flings right back
life gives to the giver
it takes from the taker
and not necessarily in the way we expect either

you might be fine with your riches
but be lacking in your emotional wealth
and I have come to find
that one helps you live in your mind
and the other just provides covers

how's "your way" workin out for ya?
is it getting old...the same old same old?
the predictable pain
the familiar disappointment
the broken record that only provides band aids of pleasure
the cheap kind of band-aid
that wears off in hours
and you are always searching for a new box
you go through them so fast....

how's that working for you
holding everyone to such high standards
everyone but you...
sending out vibes of unforgiveness
towards the ones you need it from most...
not recognizing all the amazing things God presents to you
because you are too focused on you...
running
but never arriving
climbing
but never reaching
looking
but never seeing
We have this amazing choice to not look
this freedom that we can abuse
but it is like someone giving you a set of wings
and you tear it apart to detail your car
you don't even get it
don't you want to get it?

God says seek and you will find
simply knock at the door
and it will be flung open to you!
Man it is so eeeaaaaasssssssy
even faith only needs to be the size of a mustard seed
God wants you to succeed
He designed it to be effortless
but it has to start in your mind
once it comes together it IS effortless
but you have to take the first step
He is not the kind of God that will do it for you
He won't even grab your legs and push you
it has to be all you
and you only have to muster up ONE STEP
and when you begin
you have arrived
when you reach out
he reaches back
What you put out
is what you get back
so what are you investing in?
what kind of legacy are you intending to leave?
redeem your story with that first step
choose tomorrow TODAY
by choosing the road less traveled by
it is the road flaming with glory
a road that gives to you more and more
the farther you go down it
the more you choose to make it your own
be sure of the path
and of who you are
and God will consume your life
until you do not recognize it
and the person who faces the most heart wrenching tragedy
will have learned to see it as opportunity
will have insight and understanding
that will not enable the dark to snuff out that light
and then giving will be effortless
and then life will just seem to give back
but you will know better
you will know it is all God
and that it started with your one step
with looking around you and being present in today
not looking back and getting lost in yesterday
not dwelling on regrets or shameful shortcomings
do not get lost in the wilderness of what was
the trees all look the same
and you'll spend a lifetime
trying to make your way out of a maze.

~ C

Believe to Receive

In the scripture Mark 11:24 NKJV where God says,

Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them”

I think we take that in and expect something physical.
We expect to get something tangible in the process, but I think God is bigger than that.
He doesn't think like we do.

He knows that transforming our mind is more powerful than winning the lotto.
Spiritual riches outweigh physical riches so much so,
that if we knew just how much,
we would only seek to gather the spiritual ones.
But gaining those spiritual riches are not always comfortable for us in the physical sense, so we instead seek the things of this world that DO comfort us.....comfort for our bodies, and for our minds.....because even if it is just for a short time, that seems like an oasis to us in our complicated drama filled lives.

It goes back to what control we FEEL that we have, and wanting to grasp onto that for dear life.
The irony of that is that if we embraced what God wanted to take us through,
no matter how uncomfortable that is physically,
we would be transforming our minds,
and in that transformation,
we would gain an inner peace that would surpass any momentary physical pleasure we could ever experience
and further more...
it is a gift that keeps on giving, a permanent altering of our inner core that God will build upon to bring us closer and closer to PEACE!
peace that surpasses understanding
peacefulness in that we will not walk in worry or fear
or make choices out of insecurity or defensiveness
or envy or hoard or steal
the more peace
the more you can operate out of the gifts that were clearly given to you
so that you can be the blessing
the obvious messenger
that shines with love and hope
that encourages and lifts up
another in need
another hurting or lost
or tangled up in a way
that help is necessary
you were purposed at this time
in this place
to be the hands and the feet
for the one who saves
a willing vessel
with a specific gift for reaching that certain person
in a certain place
and no one could say it the way you will say it
no one can relate the way you can relate
going through what you have
enduring what you've endured
surviving what you have survived
you understand in a way
that someone else could not
and in that moment of relating
your struggle is purposed
your pain is not all loss
God took you through
and when you came out of it on the other side
He handed you a testimony
and your story of survival
becomes a message of hope
a silver lining you can actually testify to
a tone of voice that convinces with it's belief
having walked through it personally
and having survived
and in knowing
the comfort of God during
that it is pure victory!


~C


no solicitation necessary

You don't have to sell you
if you are being you
If you are selling something
you're implying it has to be sold
the person has to be convinced...
If you just BE,
you sell yourself automatically
without selling you at all
They love you for being you
you give off the vibe that you are content with you
and it attracts people
they can feel you mean it
that it is effortless
no effort
no fear
no worry
being you
brings more then if you ever
tried
then if you ever marketed
WHY
they should love you

~C


Friendlies



I gather people into my boat
I feel understood by them
or think that I understand them
and I adopt them into my healthy surroundings
where I am spurred on
lifted up
ENCOURAGED
to be the woman God meant for me to be

Select the few that will see you through
that will stand with you when the going gets tough
that won't let you quit
but also tell you when to let go
people who will let you cry
and then tell you it is OK to cry
and then remind you that there is a time for mourning
but a time for rejoicing too
and that is what you have to look forward to

People who speak life and hope
people who behold you in love
and know you
know your patterns and your funks
and know when to stay & know when to go
who pray for you
whether they tell you or not
and always want the very best for you
who give you a leg up
when you don't feel you have one to stand on anymore

Less like friends
more like family
and so we'll call them "friendlies"
sometimes even closer than your real family
a support system close to you
in proximity,
but also in heart

~C



3 rabbits

walking


crying


lost inside


wishing I was lost outside too


so I didn't have to go back


cannot stand to be shunned


or beheld with disdain


scrutinized


criticized


you are not my friend


friends do not say the things you do


they say truth in love


they don't hate the very things


that make you, YOU


I feel torn down


rejected once again


why do you spend any time with me at all


if who I am repels you


if who I am annoys you


I don't belong here


I don't belong anywhere


this in between life


after divorce




still walking


2 miles


3 miles


I have on the wrong shoes


stood up and just started walking


so I wouldn't cry for an audience


1/2 a mile in I see a rabbit


then 2 miles later another


and not until I saw the third at the end of my walk


did it come together for me




the Trinity


watching over me


the night before Easter


as I walked


as I cried


He sees me


He cares




~C


Media

Media shmedia
I rather eat dirt
then listen to your sherbert
your rainbow creation
of shock value and inflation
of lies and of horror
why do I have to weed through?
it's torture

its depressing
it's sad
and yeah maybe it's reality
but it weighs me down bad
and I cannot just shake it
and call it a day
after media has infested
my mind in that way

I won't believe what you want me
to take in as gospel
I won't make decisions
based on your hostile distortions of "truth"
on the facts of today
I remember what I learned in school
the lessons they no longer teach today
so chances are someday soon
you'll be changing your tune

and just to keep track drives me crazy
so much information
and so hazy
so lacking & shocking
your boat won't be docking
at my mind today

~C

do the wash

the volume is slowly being turned up
stress overtaking
obvious need for breaking
away from the norm
into quietness to recoup
a time out for the mommy
to breath slowly
to think only
of soothing things that comfort
of what is right
of what is good
time slows and swirls and whispers "it's ok"
as I regret losing my cool
and having a sharpness to my tone
all of me pleading for some time alone
to gather myself up
to toss myself into the laundry
and end up warm and fresh and reeking of Bounce
Ahhhh
ok, I am ready again to be the mom
ready to be patient and kind
no more shouts

~C

mine

you are the silver lining
in a sky so gray
the smile and hug that greets me
after a long hard day
you are the optimistic
that charms me with your half full glass
you help me chase away my worries
help the bad times quickly pass
through years and tears you've given me
the hope I did not have
by showing me your consistant love
your compassion like a salve

~ C


Me

You want to hear happy
you want me to never stop smiling
it is the me that you need me to be
but I get sad too
and I need you
to cheer me
like I cheer you
to lift me up
and turn me toward sunshine
to point out the blessings
and direct me away from the mud
I know I seem to have no worries
and so maybe you come to depend on that
but I am human after all
on my own rocky journey
learning and falling
struggling and calling, out to God in my darkest day
wondering aloud why things have to be this way
and then once out of my system
I can reboot and listen
for His next brilliant direction
with your encouragement
we all make a selection
of the armor and the smiles we will choose to wear
to face another day
to show others we will bare
the things that Do happen, the spills along the way
but we have each other
and hope,
and each day
I'll choose to try harder to resist what steals
to avoid the pit falls
to ride the rails
into a brighter day
where I can encourage once again
where I can lean on God
so you can lean on me....
I will find the courage
will fight for
the "me"
you need me to be

~C

Sunday, October 16

now and then and what will be

This time in life
where I look back in appreciation of my youth
and where I do not yet feel old
where I notice wrinkles
where I can not stay up as late as I used to
or sit on the floor and scrap book all night
a place where I find myself starting over
from the middle
and you know your life isn't even half lived
but innocence is so far away now
and the cards are on the table
you are aware of loss
and of hurt
and of pain
you are aware that your life will not be a fairy tale
but you are free of that now too,
that belief that kept leaving you shocked and disappointed
you can move forward and expect the unconventional best
the unknown can be scary
and yet fascinating, satisfying
not your dream, but God's dream for you
the more I let go
the more I can trust God
the more I embrace the adventure
and make peace with the struggle that came with being in a better place
the better I feel
the better I am
and the future instead of daunting
is teaching me that it is amazing
and mostly
because it is a surprise

~C

Saturday, October 8

a wondering rambling

Eternally waiting
for me to say what
for me to do what
what is the key
that you think will unlock it
that will trigger
or knock it
or pick it
or unearth it
will produce it
or poof!
you're waiting for something
I feel it
I peel it
a long rind
that is winding
that is swirling down
and I am finding
that the feeling is like a pregnancy
an unspoken expectation
that is haunting me
that is hovering
forever leaving messages
on answering machines
that no one is checking
that just sit there blinking
until the box is full
and that is worse
the box is full
there are no options to voice it
no more space for your questions
for your reaching out
so you keep waiting
for that poof moment
while the air hangs big and pregnant
over you like a grey cloud
and it hovers over me too
while I watch you
waiting
wanting to run
just to not feel it
or feel that grey cloud
hovering
and wanting
but never knowing
when to act

~C

dream on

Longer deeper wider
the road I'm on
this time
this dawn
this paper moon that teases me
this illumination
I cannot see
this other chapter
where it gets exciting
this amazing book
I can't stop writing

This wonder never satisfied
these arms filled and holding
someone warm,
a love inviting
fulfilling
never biting
never a cold that stings
that takes away
a night that quickly extinguishes day
merciful of only me
so I don't have to face it
even for a night
so I can sleep

Don't wake it
this sorrowful song within my soul
playing on in my dreams
don't shake it
these trees about to give in to fall
the moment where they lose it all
the music swells and violins rise
to convey the extent of the loss...the lie
to stay here
is to be in too deep
treading and tiring
the time is steep
with pressure, decisions will be made
all is altered but I am not dismayed
change is surreal and can be changed in a whim
dream on
the chime will sound in the end

Stay
where time draws you on
where you may not know anything
but you feel everything
and your apprehension is kept at bay
and your heart risks all to say it
and you act on things you wouldn't
you seize the moment
even knowing you couldn't
if you weren't here
in this surreal state
for a set time
on a certain date
it is as much your reality
as you want to give gravity
no matter how imaginative
or serene
or other worldly...

....and I hold you tightly
knowing if I believe it enough
I will wake up with you in my arms.

~C

new one

The attention of some
but I know it isn't you
feel I'll know you
when you get here
when I come undone
when I feel alive again

pause
a frozen frame
a waiting game
although the merry-go-round never stops
though the shoe just never drops
though my heart's an open sore
and I've never been here before

so I wait
and I wonder
and I walk the talk
automatic pilot of a paper airplane
in a voracious wind
that whips the waves
and drives the rain
tossed and drained
from resisting
from twisting
and turning back to see
if you cared enough to follow me

but turning back
just gets me salt
the sun and its rays
make me look ahead
for that something new
for that brand new you
that you I don't know
don't cha know
I've been waiting for you
knowing you'd only get here
when I stopped lookin back
when I stopped tripping up
stopped doubting my lack

~C






distance

The measurement can't be determined
the distance between you & me
when you can reach out to touch me
but you don't
we might as well be miles apart
and the last time you did
you were you
and I was me
now,
who are we?

That was so long ago
and this is now
uncharted
undetermined...

Your plane has been delayed
so get cozy in the terminal
where your good time depends
on what's in your head
and your heart will discover
what really is dead

Quieted
you can listen
you can feel
a passion put out
smothered
and covered
under layers of promises
broken
under a woolen blanket
of reality

I am waiting for something
standing on a platform
without a schedule
hoping for nothing
just looking
numb and spaced out
eyes set on the blue sky
with empty in my heart
a fire gone out
smoking

~C


Monday, September 12

I will not perpetuate the pattern

Out of fear we compromise our boundaries concerning other people.
Afraid that if we stand up for what we believe in and want out of life
that there is a risk involved
that we may offend or push away
that they make not like us and leave
and so we learn to compromise ourselves
our values
we morph and change to suit others
to gain love and acceptance from them
and seise to be genuine to ourselves,
to who God designed us to be

The irony is that doing so is the opposite of love
and the opposite of who we are
it is a diluted version of who we were meant to be
just so that we can KEEP something
or someone,
when what they were attracted to in the first place
was this woman of conviction
this woman who knew what she wanted and where she was going
this woman who knew what she believed in and stood for

Your passion is what drew them
so do not throw water on your own fire
thinking that you will please someone
at a sacrifice to yourself

sure compromise is important
but it should be situational and a JOINT thing
not one person altering themselves and their needs and values
to compensate for another's

and what I am talking about is bigger than settling
It is a matter of LOSING YOU
out of FEAR
in the hopes of gaining someone else

Example:
So you get with this person
whom you've won by default
by altering yourself and your values
and then wonder why
this relationship is filled with disfunction

How long can you keep up with the facade?
How long can you deliver?

It happens slowly too
small changes first
then bigger and bigger compromises
to please and suit another
until your thoughts are mostly about them
and what they would like
and what would be best for them
you take a back seat
and in many ways
it becomes all about them

and you?
where did you go?

Who are you?
do you still know?
What do you believe in?
What makes you happy?
What do you love?
What are your hopes and standards?
What are your deal breakers?
What do YOU want to do?

Do not let fear monopolize your life
Do not fear losing anything
Give it all to God
and walk confidently knowing that
you are COVERED
you are LED
you are PURPOSED
you are PROMISED
and you were DESIGNED to be exactly who you ARE
with your gifts and struggles
and your quirks too

If you compromise any of it
you take away
you steal from yourself to give to another
and I firmly believe that God works most powerfully through us
when we can stay connected to Him
and look to Him to validate us, to accept us, to lead us

WAIT on Him and listen
Trust Him and lean on Him
He will always allow you to be who you are
and love you for it

It is predictable anyway
He wants that so much
that He will allow that other person
you tried so desperately to keep
fall away
so you can get back to you
get back to Him
and get back to you and Him

Don't waste time trying to be what people need
instead focus on being the best YOU that you can be
After all God designed you beautifully and purposefully!

~C



Saturday, September 3

Pivot~Change~Life

Adaptability, sustainability, go with the flow
it would be awesome if you could keep an open mind
forgiveness is necessary
be ready to pivot
like on the volley ball court
crouched down low
hands out in front of you
on the balls of your feet
anticipating anything

If I was only prepared to do a spike over the net
then I wouldn't be ready for a dig
wouldn't be ready for a save close to the floor
If I only intended to set the ball
then I wouldn't bump it over to save the game

Be ready for ANYTHING

Life is about ADAPTING to it
be willing to morph

Life is a conveyor belt of endless possibility
made up of complex human beings
with an infinite scenario of adventures waiting to play out
based on the dynamic at the time
based on the moods and the whims of others
based on their stability or instability
or their grace and forgiveness
based on where they are
and how they are today
where you are, how you are....

All interwoven to create a moment that you walk into
and imprint your NOW
where you breathe in change and exhale change
nothing is stagnant
nothing is forever
and don't get all cynical on me you idealist
the only ideal is God's idea of ideal
and he KNEW earth was about change

We get stuck the moment we become too rigid
we get stuck the moment we decide to be stubborn about something
or stop to mourn anything
or we run run run away from ourselves
to avoid what we will always return to
where running always leads us....
right back to us
so we might as well face that
and just run for exercise
while being open
while being poised for action
while removing the veil
so we can really see
the difference between sunglasses on
and sunglasses off
nothing between the windows of our souls

Communicating with eyes
with voices
and nods of understanding
wincing when pain is expressed
reaching out when tears are shed
simply being quiet and patient
when someone is trying to figure something out

To be human is to NOT have it all figured out
to trip up and skin our knees
to wrestle with things we may never understand
about ourselves, about others

And God designed each of us
we're all fearfully and wonderfully made
so no matter how we screw that up
there HAS to be GOOD that comes out of it
God does not design crap
and He did not set out with a mediocre plan
and the attributes He gave us....
some of those things we think of gifts
some of those things we think of as jokes on us
where we see a disability or flaw,
He sees a key to greater understanding
through suffering
through learning
even hurting
so you can be better
taking away or depriving you of one thing
so you will use EVERYTHING He gave you
to benefit every life you touch

But do you see how if you approached your life
with a rigid plan
how EVERYTHING would start to seem against you?
How everything you set out to do would have to be tweaked at some point?
I read an article recently about a woman who went to law school
then joined a firm
after years and year of studying
only to discover that it felt empty and devoid of meaning to her
once she "arrived"
this is not a joke God plays on her or even a joke life played on her
it is our own tunnel vision that distracts us
the goals we make for ourselves
to achieve something that will determine we've "arrived"
even if we were never designed to do it
a way we find only by stumbling because we did not ask God first
a way that fizzles and tends to burn out
because it all relies on us carrying ourselves
we did not include God
we did not ask God what HE intended us for
we did not ask to sit at a table with Him
and go over our awesome blue prints

God doesn't want us to stay stagnant
or frozen
He meant for us to evolve
collectively
individually
He meant for us to live in the moment
aware of the moment
with eyes open
really seeing the person we are spending time with
in that moment
not distracted
or juggling
or texting (for the record)

To be aware
is to be alive
to be present
is to be aware
and be willing to change
and adapt
well,
that is the very most powerful thing

~C






Thursday, August 25

stop turn ask

You boil down my life
and like chicken soup in the making
the fat rises to the top
and I scoop it off
because it is obvious with You
what needs to go
and it is healthier to get rid of it right away
as son as I see it
how I wish life was really this obvious
but it is to You
you see and know things I could never know
and You go before me
one or two steps before me
constantly making a way
even if I do not acknowledge you
even if I cannot see Your work until later
how You made it all come together
for my good, for my best
no matter if I could tell that
WHEN I went through that

sometimes thing become the most clear
the farther we get away from them
we gain perspective we couldn't have had
when it was right under our nose
we are too close and you ask us to step back
but we just think you are trying to tell us what to do
we forget You are all knowing
that you designed the world
and then designed us
we forget to default to your wisdom
because we gained our "independence" long ago
and we've "got it"
that is so funny for us to assume
when really we know nothing
it is bravely foolish and unwise
and we do it anyway
caught up in the moment
not even considering You would know better
we don't even stop to seek You and ask

Ah the pride and the determination
without all the facts
without eyes or ears that can really see or hear
without a green light
or a nod
or a "go get um Tiger!"
we don't even wait
we just leap....
what are we thinking?
are we thinking at all?
and why do we not train our thinking
to default to asking You?
to pause and turn and ask....
Is it your will God?
Is it your very best?

~C

Disoriented

Where is this place?
this middle place
this in between place
I find myself in again

This unknown pause
like win lose or draw
I am guessing the clues
for an answer I don't know yet

Scrambling together
all that has happened so far
thinking that will help me
get my bearings

But I don't know
and maybe it shouldn't matter
the technicalities...
I know I was designed
to take one step at a time

I know not to judge my life
on status or by my age
I know not to compare myself
to others or by what's all the rage

So when I am sweeping the floor
and feeling still 16
I don't have to worry that God won't meet me here
I don't have to be in a hurry
to get anywhere

I can just breathe
I can just remember who I am
who I belong to
and who I know
who has my heart in His own.

~C

Thursday, August 11

leftovers

leftovers know how you feel
they know you regard them differently
you may even sneer at them
not sure what they "were" at first
maybe you don't recognize what they are till reheated....
either way they are expecting this
they are not surprised by you
and your reactions
sometimes they sit so long that they really just assume they'll get tossed
leftovers have really low expectations

The funny thing is though
they were once this grand dinner
they were once savored and enjoyed
they caused Ooh's and Ahhh's and delight
they know what that felt like too

But I can tell you right now
even though the leftovers "get it"
they will always want to be the dinner just made
they will always reminisce about how you regarded them...then
and even though they know that they know that they know
they are leftovers
they will always need you to pretend
that you just met

~C


Wednesday, August 10

Ask Yourself

some people think my blog is literal
that what I am writing is what is happening
RIGHT NOW to me
but I draw from everything
from everyone
and sometimes I go back & revisit a time
and how I felt THEN
and sometimes I try to imagine what someone else might be feeling
based on what THEY are going through
I put their situation on
like I am putting on a coat
and it might as well be made of wool
because I can feel how uncomfortable it is
I can feel that it is too tight and constricting
I can see how they would want to take it off as soon as possible...

Since I was pretty young
I realized the concept of working on yourself
of striving to be the best ME
of looking into you and seeing what was going on
good and bad
helpful and hindering
I thought everyone had this awareness
that they were seeing that they were bitter about that
and maybe they should forgive and learn to let go
or that they were awesome at one thing
but that another had a hold over them
that they could see it, but maybe they just were choosing not to go there
but as time went on
I saw that some people couldn't even see their own struggles
or that they were so buried within them,
that they manifested thyself as something else
so self loathing or nonacceptance looks like anger
or feeling trapped looks like depression
sometimes it is a physical manifestation
where our unhappiness only shows on the outside
but to talk to us we seem ok

People are Rubik cubes I tell ya
they are infinitely complex
it is why when we do click with someone on an emotional level
it is so exciting
I am so complex but this person gets me
even people that do not seem complex, are complex
if you have lived long enough, you have a story
and that story is filled with all these choices you've made
but then it is filled with choices of all these other people that effected you
even strangers choices
choices by people you let into the deepest parts of your heart
and maybe the choices those people made, left deep scars....

Some people don't go and look within themselves because they are scared to
they are scared of what they would find
or maybe they already know what they will find so they spend time
making large signs and posting them warning them to KEEP OUT
they spend their time making signs so they can remind themselves why
why going there is not a good idea
better to avoid it at all costs, to go there is an end of their false reality
and they feel the only way to exist is to make that false life their only life

Life has a weird way of making us go there eventually though
as much as we fight it
it finds a way to seek us out
stand right in our path
and look us straight in the eyes

If truth is meant to set us free
why do we not run after the truth
why do we not beg the truth to smash the chains we drag around
why do we not face our truth and then begin our story there?

Instead it is messy and awkward
it is filled with trips and falls
it is 3 steps forward two steps back
a dance that seems to take forever and tires us
but we still learn
it is just so much slower a process

and sometimes we think we have it all together
we think we have it all figured out
we have the talk to back it up
we can point at the things we have and the people we know and say see
see I have it all figured out
and yet people know we don't
they see right through all that stuff

there seems to be this balance
and if you know you haven't got it all figured out
but your open to learning
then you are in a good place
it would help too if you were willing to look in
ask yourself the hard questions that need to be asked
and the trick is
only you know what they are....

~C



Saturday, July 30

Curiosity Crushed

Don't think about doing it
Do it
and don't wonder what it would be like
Find out
Mulling it over for all eternity
from every angle
what will that get you
except 80,000 options you never intend on acting on

So don't fantasize or criticize
until both outcomes leave you frozen and stranded
detached or intrigued
it is only until you walk it out
that you'll know fo sho,
so
Find out for gosh sakes
FIND OUT already!

~C

Change Resisted

I changed your surroundings while you weren't looking
or maybe it is your situation
or the people you've grown accustomed to
you'll have to adapt now
you really don't have a choice
I guess the only choice you do have
is how long you will take to adapt
like waking up to another life
like looking around and not recognizing this new layout
who is this person sleeping next to me
it might have all changed overnight
the way he now speaks to you
the sounds in the house
your perfume
sometimes time creeps
and change is drawn out
and other times
it is ripped off of you
like a band aid with too much adhesive...
either way
you are caught wondering
looking around
and worrying
fearing
resenting....
it will all hinder moving with the current
that stops for no one
as it changes again
before you can gasp for breath
before you can say "stop!"

~C

Floundering

Flip flopping
on the dock
gills heaving
flip
flop
air instead of water
and fear
and the gravity
so unlike the weightlessness of water
feeling heavy,
feeling crushed
disoriented
in another world
other than the one I've known
I am a fish out of water
and I am floundering
~C

Horizon of Hope

Hope rests on the horizon
and its influence, its volume,
is determined by the light
or the lack of light

When the horizon is lit by the morning
I feel the spark in my heart
and at dusk, when it is slowly distinguished
It feels like oxygen is lacking
I feel restricted, discouraged

High noon over the horizon has me beaming
and the depths of night make me wring my hands
some days creep slowly, lasting for weeks
some nights discourage me for a month

Highly aware of hope
I can easily see what the horizon holds for me
and even if blindfolded, I feel it
this is the ebb and flow of doubt
this is the rise and fall of expectation
each day different, with different light

A storm maybe...
or a drought...

Please God just give me a spark of hope
constant on the horizon of my heart
so that my light will never go out

~C

Thursday, July 28

Happy Brother

prayer answered
one I didn't even know I prayed
but my heart does

Everyone has to find their own way
in their own time
to rush them is futile
like trying to push a semi-truck
all it will do is give you a hernia
and when the truck does finally move
of it's own accord
it will be effortless
propelled from within
not from outside itself
and when we let that occur
when we let the people in our lives find their own way
in their own time
something is within that, that is divine
that is purposed and perfect

You were so mad awhile ago
and now the man I speak to
he is oozing with love
he is content and grounded
appreciated and at peace
and that man seeks forgiveness
no matter if it is justified or not
because of integrity
because he realizes the value of letting go
and how that is a gift he can give himself
by letting go of resentment or judgement or bitterness
He is choosing to not feed them anymore

and it is so obvious what that means for your life
the freedom from these things show
and there is not just lack from letting go
but replacements of those things
a deposit of freedom and love
forgiveness and peace
a gift that spreads outward
that not only touches the one you forgave
but the lives around that one
the relationships effected by that old grudge
are restored
and uncovered

You let the sunshine in
you drove away the darkness
and the time is perfect
because the time is now
found when you were ready
to really let go
to truly forgive
the gift you give another
the gift you give yourself
the gift
you gave me too, today
A gift I didn't even know I wanted so much
so thank you my Brother

~C

Thursday, July 14

Love wins

I used to think there were so many certain things
that with the right amount of love
or with enough of this
or the right amount of that
and with promises
and with hugs and kisses
things were sealed
a done deal
but it isn't so
I am finding out that the world is ever changing
that there are more uncertainties than I ever could have imagined
that there are more uncertainties, than certainties even
that that what I thought my life would be like
and what it actually is
are two very different things
but I won't let myself become cynical
I won't choose to be bitter or closed about that...
besides just because it is not what I thought
doesn't mean it isn't it's own kind of beautiful

I may not ever know what is around the corner,
but I choose not to live in fear of that
but take each day as it comes and remember that love wins,
God will work it all to good....
and love always wins in the end

~C

seek it

Like heavy vines in a jungle
you push through them
to find hope
thick and black they choke out light
the light that will help you find it
you trudge through mud for miles and miles
until your feet are blistered and sore
and then you step out of your boots
onto a big clean rock under a waterfall of water
and you set your sore feet upon it
and that rock is hope

We always have to go through it
to get to it
we have to seek it
we have to not give up
you know it is there in your heart
but sometimes your eyes can not define it
cannot make it out through the fog
or the black of night

Hope is the thing unseen
that sings
that draws us in from far off
that keeps a light burning
at the end of the longest tunnel
and it will not go out
so do not give up on it
do not doubt that it is waiting
for you to find it

~C

boy's life altered

He feels like he has no family
when really only one has left
only an earthquake shifting everything he's ever known
it causes him to question if everything was ever unbroken once
because all he can focus on now is the aftermath
and he wants to cry
but he yells instead
he doesn't know what to do with this....
these roller coaster emotions that take him for a ride
queasy, he closes his eyes and tries to just hold on
it will be over soon
and then I can get off
(he says to himself)
and then I can step out of this

but somehow he knows
the boy who got on
is not the same boy stepping off
his life altered when the changes began
and what was
is no longer

~C

separate

dismantled
torn apart
pieces of a whole drifting out
and away from
once was
what was known
what was counted on
what was expected
and now loss is fresh
now home, is altered
and decisions have to be made
like a death
& having to choose a burial plot
but not like that
because you are still out there
only choosing to leave here
leave this family
does she take down your pictures then?
does she redecorate, or be haunted by you...
see your ghost in the living room chair
or see your memory in the garden like an apparition
while they mourn the loss of what you were to them here
of what you meant as part of a whole
but no longer connected
no longer choosing this
no longer wishing to be a part of
how can they not take that personally?
how can they be ok....?

and in time the brunt of it will wear down
but it is forever altered
the wound leaving a big scar across hearts

and the moment it happened, stood out
as if time, frozen....
that moment she knew you weren't coming back
that this home you've known for 21 years
is now separate from you
now it is something else
and the windows are all shattered
that is how it feels
and she walks on the glass
and cries out from the pain
you broke all the windows
and you broke her heart too
and you redefined home for her
you took yourself out of the equation
you moved on
and forced her to move on too
didn't you?

~C


for Karen

Oh how my heart goes out to you
because I have been there
I have felt the frustration
and the lack of control
the abandonment
and the rejection

How I wish I could reach out and help
in a way that would ease your burden
and yet I know you have to find your own way
go through it, and not around
feel the sorrow
and wrestle with the anger
and surrender finally
so that you can find a peace with God
that is beyond understanding...

All I can do is love you through it
and tell you it is alright to cry
it is ok to be mad
that yes, it is devastating

I know that I cannot save you from this pain
but I can tell you that I understand,
and mean it
and I do,
with all my heart
and I so love you!

~C

Sunday, June 19

The frostbite of my winter

Thank you God for church today.
I needed it so much.
I have been in a funk Lord and I know that you know
(before I say a word it as if it is already written within You,
and this is incredibly comforting to me.)

I expressed how I was feeling to Marvin, A man in a wheel chair that comes to the Pantry on Tuesdays and loves to challenge us, and question us to build us up....and then in a loving way he shares scripture that speaks to whatever comes up.
This Tuesday I am telling him about the funk I am in,
this quiet place where I feel complacent and discouraged.
"Sounds like you are in a winter." He says, "God tells us there is a time to reap and a time to sow...but there is also a time to rest, a quiet time, where it feels like nothing is happening to us, even though there is always something happening with God."

This was so comforting to me, to know that even though I was feeling this way,
bound in someway,
that it is not necessary to struggle.
I can sit there and process it, and wait upon my spring.
It is ok to hurt, it is ok to feel sad, it is ok even...to not smile.
I think because I am a cheerful person, I feel pressured to always be this way.
I cannot afford a winter because people need me to be spring to them....but there are times I need to rest, that I need encouragement....times when just a loving hug makes me want to crumble into a heap of sorrow and weariness, despite the great and endless Hope that is nesting in my spirit, I too feel the heaviness of being human.
I doubt and I fear.
I have screwed up and I have fallen...

I heard a song once where the woman just kept repeating that all that matters is that we get back up
that we try again
it is not how well we do anything....(although the world would disagree with that)
this world is hard
we do not all have to try & be the rabbits of the world
God would rather us be turtles and keep plugging away step by step, reaching the destination He planned for us, no matter how long it takes,
no matter how laborious it seems on the way.

So Marvin talks to me about my winter and I find peace with my discord somehow
although my life still seems very quiet and I walk on, awaiting another clue...

then a week later, I arrive at Sunday school and Roland is talking about prayer, and specifically the answers to prayer. What do we do when we ask for healing and it doesn't come? I have had this happen...
I have cried out from the depths of my very guts and begged God to heal my Mom of Cancer.
We talk about how we pray out of our own wishes and how we don't always seek God's wisdom....we do not stop and ask what God wants, before we plunge ahead with what seems right and just to us. There is pride in that, thinking we know better, EVEN if it is in the name of love. and at the same time we cannot be passive and say "Well God, you are going to do what ever you are going to do anyway, so just go ahead and do it". By saying that, it takes us out of the equation, and God needs us to partner Him. He is in as us, but if we are closed.....If we are unwilling....He is disabled to help through us.
(It is either lets get 2 guys together to agree on what we want and then we will include God Let's both ask God what HE wants to do and then follow HIS lead.) God knows best....Father knows best.

flash forward to outside church and Taylor meets me to sell me a shabby chic shower curtain...and we are talking about life, and I tell her that I feel like sometimes I am closed and she uses an analogy of a clam to tell me that that is how she is too sometimes. She takes her hands and forms a clam shape and says "and then as soon as someone tries to get close SNAP! I close tight" and as she is doing this God shows me the clam, (like a picture in my head)...He shows me a brilliant pearl inside, and then He adds to Taylor's analogy...."I am the pearl, shining inside each of you, but if you are closed tight, I cannot shine through, only when you are open....open to the possibilities of things that you cannot even create for yourself or on your own....open to receive....open to giving....THAT is when I come through, THAT is when it works.

Flash back to church and right when worship starts , a man I got to know in prayer training, Richard, comes up to me, hugs me hello, and discreetly tells me that God woke him up at 3AM the other night to pray for me. God asked him to pray against depression taking a hold of me on my behalf.
WOW.

and Richard does not know about my funk, the frost bite of my winter....
but here's the thing...GOD knows
and Richard knows GOD
so God can speak to Richards heart to contest on my behalf
and then Richard can tell me what God said to him
and then I can know
GOD SEES ME

so I am in awe of this & then I start to sing during worship...
and then Barbara comes down the isle to me and hugs me, like my own Mama would, and she tells me she loves me, and then walks back down the isle....
I want to burst into tears because I really needed that hug and it spoke volumes to my heart, but I struggle to remain composed instead, and I keep singing.

Then Adam's sermon is amazing....He is using the analogy of Extreme Makeover Home Edition, to convey how God builds us a new life. I love analogies, they so speak to me and I feel as if this sermon was tailored to me.
My favorite question that he asks us is "What if all the people said MOVE THAT BUS! MOVE THAT BUS!, and when the bus was moved, it was the same old house?"
He talked about how our transformed lives should CONVEY transformation.
We should WALK God's talk...shine with His promises.
If we truly believed what God says, If we chose our attitude and our steps according to His teachings, it should reek of Glory!
I so needed to hear this...

and then toward the end of the sermon, Adam is talking about praying for healing, and how if the prayer is not answered on earth then it will be answered in heaven, the moment they get there....
He is saying some of the exact things that were brought up in bible study! He was not in the room, so he couldn't have known....but God was there, and God is with Adam as he is preaching his sermon, and God is with me inside my mind showing me the dots that he is connecting in my own life....encouraging me that He sees, and He knows, and He CARES....

and then I come home and write on the walls of all the Dad's I know on facebook, and one of those Dad's is my Pastor, and I pour out my heart in telling him what a wonderful father figure he is to me, and when he responds, part of what he writes is "I love you as my own"
and that wrecks me and I cry.

It might be because it is Father's Day....because I have struggled with the loss of an involved Dad in my life. That I have made peace with what my Dad CAN offer me. But to have a man I look up to and admire calls me his own....to convey ownership, in a loving way to a child who has felt an fatherly void much of her life....(even if she is a capable woman now)....
to me that is just beautiful.
It says that no matter who you are, you are mine.
This is the message of God, the love of God conveyed.

Being alone, drifting away on a chunk of an iceberg, not knowing where you fit in....
those are all lies meant to steal from a life God meant to be rich with connection, filled with people who love you like a family member even if you aren't of blood relation to them,
people who love you like themselves,
with an unconditional love that was first conveyed by a man that loved you so very dearly that he died for you.

Such a beautiful love,
such a love worthy of awe and respect,
of amazing value
and we get glimpses of it every day
if we are looking
if we ask to be given God's eyes to see
this amazing adventure
and the loving people in it
who give us the clues,
that God within them gives us
to connect us
for our amazing GOOD.

Happy Father's Day to the most amazing Father that ever was.
A Father that will never leave me or forsake me.
A Father to whom I am His very own.


~C





Tuesday, June 14

womans intuition

I know that I know
I don't have to ask
and it makes me feel sad
as if my heart is in a cast
with stifling walls
that cause me short breaths
these limited surroundings
closing in
feels like drowning
or what I'd imagine...
my soul floundering
please heart!!
stop caring!!
let go....let go....or be dragged
kicking and screaming
or maybe I feel nothing
being carried away
to an ending
mourning
but no more crying
definitely a sort of dying
what is it going to take?
what will be my final straw?
am I waiting for something to break?
does it all require a fall?
or will it happen while I am sleeping
an awakening as I am dreaming...
a slipping away in the night
while I cradle my pillow tight?
or will it happen like I least expect it to
a band-aid ripped off
or the drop of a shoe?
or a gasp with a cry,
can I ask myself why
it is taking so long...
instead I'll ask God
"Why is it taking so long?"

~C




Friday, June 10

This is how He does it

I am in Chamberlin Book Mine
Rows and rows of books to the ceiling
a "candy" store for those who love to read
Oh and I do
and Hayden and Sky are running down the isles
and then resisting the urge to keep running
once I have asked them to please walk
and then Hayden runs down a short isle anyway
an isle that ends with a wall
and he likes to do this lately
slam into the wall all dramatically
only this time when he does,
he knocks over a pile of magazines
stacked close to the floor
on a bottom shelf
and like a lot of messes he makes
it seems to demand more energy to clean it up than it did to make
so I walk down the isle and tell him I will help him
and as I am helping him re stack the magazines
I glance to my left
and lying there on the bottom shelf on top of one other book
is a book called "The hidden Life"
I pick it up and read the back cover
intrigued, I flip to the middle and read a passage
{this is how I test a book...flip to the middle and start reading the style of the writer
it is how I know I will like it}
and I like this one instantly
it is saying things I know but in a way that has me nodding my head
things my heart may know, but my mind needed to hear
and it is a personal story
of a woman who has deep depression and then finds God's peace
and I love personal redemptive stories
(and this one claims to be brutally honest & candid)
I love to hear what someone learned in this life
I love to hear what forced them to grow
I love to hear how God took the hurt in their lives and worked it into good
personal testimony is riveting
but you have to value the human spirit
you have to value people and see them through God's eyes
you have to realize how profound one personal story can be
how each of us to God, is a celebrity
tracked & documented & important

by now I know we all have a story to tell
if you've lived long enough
and even if you haven't
you have a perspective that no one else has
effected by a string of events that compares to no one else's
and even if your walk is similar
you will process it in your own way
and choose the path that only you could chose
for reasons that feel right to only you at the time

It is so exciting to me
to hear these stories
to hear what people say
to see in words how they picture their lives
and know what they grabbed from their experiences
and what they have discarded
and what they are wrestling, questioning
and what has meant the most to them

there is no greater,
more personal quest
then to listen to another human being
to let them share
to honor their transparency
to celebrate their individuality
to learn from their mistakes
to marvel
at their journey

we all have a story.....
what's yours?
I'd love to listen. :)

~C

and P.S. The whole point I was trying to make is that Hayden making a mess at the end
of an isle led me to find the next book I will read. If you allow yourself to become too
annoyed by anything seemingly inconvenient to you, you may be too distracted to
participate in the adventure God has for you. He connects the dots, we just have to
keep our eyes open to see them, to find them. This is how He does it.
This is how it works.

My kid + a mess + awareness = a new read

Remember there are no coincidences...no happen chance. It's all God showing us the way.
All we have to do is look, listen & leap!
XOX

Wednesday, May 11

eye on the goal

I am standing in a room
screaming at the top of my lungs
and there is no sound
we are arguing
but it is silent
all raw emotion and furrowed brows
downcast eyes and tears
canceled out by all the years
each word silenced because it has been said before
obvious signs of disregard
just moving lips
a dance we've done forever
predictable
steps memorized
filtered through memories
trips us up with wounding
familiar in the way of knowing
but craziness
to seek peace through growling
you misunderstand me
I misunderstand you
but a common goal is sought
it is called closure
it is agreed
it is an agreed need
the goal :
to move on from here

~C

dry tank

had enough
done
but not done for
done flailing
but not drowning
I don't want to look anymore
even if I know that you are there
to face it hurts worse
so I don't go there
if the decisions I make today
are based on the joy and pain I experienced yesterday
how can I not referance certain things
how can I explain how I am feeling now
without mentioning that which I arrived at from then
I want you to want me
even as I am
we all have our faults
the things that are not ideal
but we make room to breathe
no one wants the plastic bag over their lives
suffocating them with what they will never be
creating a tunnel to only one way out
my way or the highway
instead, figure it out
there are 3 doors not 2
and 3 sides too
many options
not one
love compromises
love is fun
love is patient
love is kind
love does not boast
and I would hope
it also does not roast
the one it loves over hot coals
I look around and tsk tsk tsk
the job you do
I am not satisfied with it
are you willing to compromise
even if I am not?
are you willing to....
are you willing at all?
and so I ask myself too...


~C

stay out

I cannot hear you any more
I cannot hear you over the roar of my own engine
my self loathing
and my regret
my pain and my sorrow
my guilt that bleeds into tomorrow
I cannot hear you pleading
it might as well be bleating
it makes my ears hurt
what you say goes through a scrambler of my own making
so that it comes out all wrong
riles up my thinking
if I am defensive you won't know I am leaking
that I am drowning
that I am roting and reeking
spray the lysol
disenfect the discord
sterylize the loss
with gloved hands I can now touch the sacred preserved inards
of the heart of me
the part of me I give to nobody
an island wild and deserted and unrefined
secluded to a fault
starving for an appreciative eye
meant for greatness
but over protected with many many guns
don't let 'um in
and I ensure it will never be changed
but oh
then it will never change
things can never change

~C

rip tide

Don't hate me for being me
for not conforming to you
you cannot say with distain that I am so predictible
and then praise me for my consistancy
you cannot love me for being laid back
but then complain that I am not a neat freak
I do not pick at you
I do not like being picked at
for me there seems to be a theme
of nothing ever being good enough
of not quite ever measuring up
and I cannot live like that
cannot see the love through your sneer
and with the same eye that glares at me
you cannot wink at me
it wrecks me
I let it
why do I do that
when I have a choice?
you run in real life
I run in my mind
reeling and searching
for a way up over and out
of the swirling rip tide
I struggle
when I should relax and kick back
ride it out
by letting go
how exactly does one do that
I want to do that

~C

what counts

It is not what you do that counts
but with whom you do it
with a perspective that has magic
with a cheerful attitude that exudes joy
that finds beauty in the simplest things
and makes a vacation out of the every day

~C

Friday, May 6

S & J

You are not made of clay
I can not shape you into someone else
I can not tweak you
or alter you in some big way
I cannot force you
or even encourage you it seems
to be the version of you
that would be better for me
so I am letting go
I am accepting you for YOU
I am downplaying the negative
I am turning up the positive
I am highlighting your attributes
and dwelling on the times
and ways
you were too good to be true

You are who you are
and I cannot mold you into anyone else
and I do not want to
I just don't want you to hurt me
I won't let you

You are God's
He created you
so I will defer to Him
and when we differ
I will hand you over
I will ask Him to come in
to every situation
where we clash and we don't agree
and I will ask him to speak right to you
right to me

Ask him to soften hearts
and give us His eyes to love
His heart of patience
of compassion
all gifts from above
and I will trust that He is working
all things to our good
no matter what they seem to me
at that time
no matter what I think you should
have said or should have done

God knows you best
He knows me best
and He can do anything
with anything
make something
out of nothing
take our relationship
and cause waves
to become glassy calm water
He can renew our relationship
again and again
until the arguments are few and far between
and more so
we regard each other in love
I see you for you
you see me for me
and He transforms us
into what He meant for us to be
together
mother & daughter

~C

Sue

How touching
your trusting
me enough to
come knock on my door
and burst into tears
fall into my open arms
for comfort

How touching
as if exposing your underbelly
your vulnerability
and trusting me
with all of you

I don't take it lightly
being here for you
a high point
of my every day

The raw stuff
is the guts of it
to not edit your life
show the truth of it

It is what makes our friendship real
it's what makes you YOU
and me ME
and I rather let my hair down
and really know you
then fake it
and save face
for the sake of it

I value our approach
the candid reality
of how we choose to be
no airbrushing
or special lighting
we are what we get
we get what we are

You understand me sometimes
better than I understand myself
you teach me
you warn me
you encourage me
you love me

I truly think God gives us friends
to balance out the holes that occur
in life
in family
He knew before
He created our lives
that we'd need that help

Someone who truly understands
someone who will sincerely pray for us
with us
and lift us up
to cheer us on
to wave from the stands
and declare that they are
our number one fan

I am that to you
you are that to me
and I will forever be grateful
that God wove your life
together with mine
that He meant for us
to be
in each others lives
so significantly

~C

Saturday, April 30

hope in a letter

Hope came with the mail today
in a letter you sent
conveyed in words you wrote
with time you set aside
to write to me
and I felt it
like something tangible
and now I know it
in my heart,
to be true

~C

what will you do?

Sour sorrow
reeking with regret
tainted with tears
languid with longing
wrestling with resentment
while
bitterness is bristling
and we are
sighing with sadness
and
wallowing in worry
and
fearing fear itself!

why stay there?
where you are stolen from
where you are lied to
where you will die
where the same old record plays
around and around
and the music brings you
down
down
down

PSSSSSSSST : hey you, (I urgently whisper) you have a choice!
a smile?
or a frown?

~C



the beginning of the end

stack of boxes
unloaded
dispersed
in the last place
you may call home
on earth
a home they call nursing
makes me think of
the beginning
of babies
and bosoms
of swaddling
and of holding
but for you
it is about breaking down
about brittle bones
about people
not coming around
about long silences
and a lot of sitting

A whole life lived
and now reduced
boiled down
to this small room
this room
where
as you move in
you must realize
is the beginning
of the end

And maybe,
you are OK with that
because the end, really,
is only
the beginning

~C

emotional boxing ring

He's got you on the ropes
sweat dripping into your eye
a slow mo' blow to the side of your face
as you let out a wretched cry

Your face, really your heart
bleeding when tore open
and when he nails you in the kidneys,
it's really your self~esteem he is attacking
your crushed nose,
really your crushed hopes

Yes sir, he's got you on the ropes
an emotional boxing ring
where you feel like you are losing
where there seems more giving
and at the same time more taking
than one can really stand

You gotta fight him!
don't lay into the corner
don't sink onto the floor
rise up and meet him
duck and cover
swing some more!

There will always be a ding
as the round affords you a resting
where encouragement will be shouted
as your wounds are dabbed
your strength,
do not doubt it!

No matter how some will attack you
no matter what words come flying at you
no matter how intense the impact
you are equipped with all that you need
you are given the stealth to rise above
to get in the jab that silences the beating
you know the truth
you know the way
step out of the boxing ring
he has no power today

~C





new mantra

The old one used to be
"Be anxious for nothing"
Ah! The power of scripture
said over and over
until it has sunk in
until it attaches
as if woven
until it shimmers
as if golden
until it is ingrained in you
until it brings you peace
and is KNOWN by your heart
and it becomes your TRUTH

So my new one is" I am willing to be misunderstood"
"I am willing to be misunderstood"
"I am willing to be misunderstood"
every time a thought comes over me
reminding me of being judged
or criticized
or shunned
I say it again
and again to myself....

Like a calm from the center of me
it ripples outward
it severs the ties that taunt me
that want to bind me to what holds me back
the words over and over
counteracting the pull of the negative
a tug of war I know I am winning
as I say it
again

~C

finding you in everything

Sometimes I write
what I want to be said to me
what I'd like to hear
what I imagine to be true
what I need or desire
from you

Sometimes I daydream
I wonder if I'll ever...
I imagine my forever
and it's nice to see it on paper
even if it never comes true,
with you

And sometimes I sing
sing the songs that remind me
repeat the lyrics that tend to haunt me
words conveying feelings
that I have felt too,
for you

Sometimes I close my eyes
and see you in my mind
sleep and dream an adventure
we may never have together
but keep all the same
close to my heart

This concentration
of my imagination,
my voice,
my pen
that finds you...
in everything

~C