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Showing posts from 2011

Figurative Leap

Like stepping out onto a ledge no rope to tie me to where I was no ceiling to hold me in Like stepping away from the past where I stayed because it was what I knew Because to step away like this would have felt scary then but now, it is scary yet time waited until I was numb about it too numb in a way that I can be objective where I am not bound or joined where leaping is less of a risk I have already lost so much on this ledge I dare not look back lest I loose my balance and yet the world is open out before me all around me with possibility where fear cannot rule where chance is erased by peace and knowing where my choices become crystal clear I am aware of everything even too much so and I scale back and pull a scarf around my neck a barrier between what was and what is I am aware I am alive neither wanting or regretting only standing, facing, wondering, waiting but knowing deep within me that even if God asks me to jump He's got me ~C

Listen to the right voice

There is a negative voice inside your head you smile and it wants a frown instead it works on you to make you doubt it convinces you of things that make you pout it's main aim is to isolate you torment you with shame and pride it will bait you into thinking that all you deserve is the worst who are you to want more? you do not come first and actually this tid-bit is true but not in the way it is using it against you You were meant for giving you were meant to serve because in doing for others you cause a curve a boomerang of blessing occurs in helping your heart swells you feel right with the world and within this place you are purposed for good this is the other voice that's words are like food that builds you up in the best of ways and elevates your mood The voice that encourages you that stays if you ask it that fights for you too until you are past it those things that bind you that hold you back the house of your body never meant to be

So inspired

I love to see how your artistic eye communicates what you see all that you can dream up in your noggin and put down in color and ink I can almost imagine what you were thinking and now I focus on how I feel when I stare at what you create and how grand to purchase a piece to take home to hang and enjoy the artistic gift that lives on after I have walked away with it under my arm ~C

right back atcha

Life is like a boomerang I am sure it is the way God designed it so that what you put out is what flings right back life gives to the giver it takes from the taker and not necessarily in the way we expect either you might be fine with your riches but be lacking in your emotional wealth and I have come to find that one helps you live in your mind and the other just provides covers how's "your way" workin out for ya? is it getting old...the same old same old? the predictable pain the familiar disappointment the broken record that only provides band aids of pleasure the cheap kind of band-aid that wears off in hours and you are always searching for a new box you go through them so fast.... how's that working for you holding everyone to such high standards everyone but you... sending out vibes of unforgiveness towards the ones you need it from most... not recognizing all the amazing things God presents to you bec

Believe to Receive

In the scripture Mark 11:24 NKJV where God says, “ Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them” I think we take that in and expect something physical. We expect to get something tangible in the process, but I think God is bigger than that. He doesn't think like we do. He knows that transforming our mind is more powerful than winning the lotto. Spiritual riches outweigh physical riches so much so, that if we knew just how much, we would only seek to gather the spiritual ones. But gaining those spiritual riches are not always comfortable for us in the physical sense, so we instead seek the things of this world that DO comfort us.....comfort for our bodies, and for our minds.....because even if it is just for a short time, that seems like an oasis to us in our complicated drama filled lives. It goes back to what control we FEEL that we have, and wanting to grasp onto that f

no solicitation necessary

You don't have to sell you if you are being you If you are selling something you're implying it has to be sold the person has to be convinced... If you just BE, you sell yourself automatically without selling you at all They love you for being you you give off the vibe that you are content with you and it attracts people they can feel you mean it that it is effortless no effort no fear no worry being you brings more then if you ever tried then if you ever marketed WHY they should love you ~C

Friendlies

I gather people into my boat I feel understood by them or think that I understand them and I adopt them into my healthy surroundings where I am spurred on lifted up ENCOURAGED to be the woman God meant for me to be Select the few that will see you through that will stand with you when the going gets tough that won't let you quit but also tell you when to let go people who will let you cry and then tell you it is OK to cry and then remind you that there is a time for mourning but a time for rejoicing too and that is what you have to look forward to People who speak life and hope people who behold you in love and know you know your patterns and your funks and know when to stay & know when to go who pray for you whether they tell you or not and always want the very best for you who give you a leg up when you don't feel you have one to stand on anymore Less like friends more like family and so we'll call the

3 rabbits

walking crying lost inside wishing I was lost outside too so I didn't have to go back cannot stand to be shunned or beheld with disdain scrutinized criticized you are not my friend friends do not say the things you do they say truth in love they don't hate the very things that make you, YOU I feel torn down rejected once again why do you spend any time with me at all if who I am repels you if who I am annoys you I don't belong here I don't belong anywhere this in between life after divorce still walking 2 miles 3 miles I have on the wrong shoes stood up and just started walking so I wouldn't cry for an audience 1/2 a mile in I see a rabbit then 2 miles later another and not until I saw the third at the end of my walk did it come together for me the Trinity watching over me the night before Easter as I walked as

Media

Media shmedia I rather eat dirt then listen to your sherbert your rainbow creation of shock value and inflation of lies and of horror why do I have to weed through? it's torture its depressing it's sad and yeah maybe it's reality but it weighs me down bad and I cannot just shake it and call it a day after media has infested my mind in that way I won't believe what you want me to take in as gospel I won't make decisions based on your hostile distortions of "truth" on the facts of today I remember what I learned in school the lessons they no longer teach today so chances are someday soon you'll be changing your tune and just to keep track drives me crazy so much information and so hazy so lacking & shocking your boat won't be docking at my mind today ~C

do the wash

the volume is slowly being turned up stress overtaking obvious need for breaking away from the norm into quietness to recoup a time out for the mommy to breath slowly to think only of soothing things that comfort of what is right of what is good time slows and swirls and whispers "it's ok" as I regret losing my cool and having a sharpness to my tone all of me pleading for some time alone to gather myself up to toss myself into the laundry and end up warm and fresh and reeking of Bounce Ahhhh ok, I am ready again to be the mom ready to be patient and kind no more shouts ~C

mine

you are the silver lining in a sky so gray the smile and hug that greets me after a long hard day you are the optimistic that charms me with your half full glass you help me chase away my worries help the bad times quickly pass through years and tears you've given me the hope I did not have by showing me your consistant love your compassion like a salve ~ C

Me

You want to hear happy you want me to never stop smiling it is the me that you need me to be but I get sad too and I need you to cheer me like I cheer you to lift me up and turn me toward sunshine to point out the blessings and direct me away from the mud I know I seem to have no worries and so maybe you come to depend on that but I am human after all on my own rocky journey learning and falling struggling and calling, out to God in my darkest day wondering aloud why things have to be this way and then once out of my system I can reboot and listen for His next brilliant direction with your encouragement we all make a selection of the armor and the smiles we will choose to wear to face another day to show others we will bare the things that Do happen, the spills along the way but we have each other and hope, and each day I'll choose to try harder to resist what steals to avoid the pit falls to ride the rails into a br

now and then and what will be

This time in life where I look back in appreciation of my youth and where I do not yet feel old where I notice wrinkles where I can not stay up as late as I used to or sit on the floor and scrap book all night a place where I find myself starting over from the middle and you know your life isn't even half lived but innocence is so far away now and the cards are on the table you are aware of loss and of hurt and of pain you are aware that your life will not be a fairy tale but you are free of that now too, that belief that kept leaving you shocked and disappointed you can move forward and expect the unconventional best the unknown can be scary and yet fascinating, satisfying not your dream, but God's dream for you the more I let go the more I can trust God the more I embrace the adventure and make peace with the struggle that came with being in a better place the better I feel the better I am and the future instead of daunting is teaching me that it i

a wondering rambling

Eternally waiting for me to say what for me to do what what is the key that you think will unlock it that will trigger or knock it or pick it or unearth it will produce it or poof! you're waiting for something I feel it I peel it a long rind that is winding that is swirling down and I am finding that the feeling is like a pregnancy an unspoken expectation that is haunting me that is hovering forever leaving messages on answering machines that no one is checking that just sit there blinking until the box is full and that is worse the box is full there are no options to voice it no more space for your questions for your reaching out so you keep waiting for that poof moment while the air hangs big and pregnant over you like a grey cloud and it hovers over me too while I watch you waiting wanting to run just to not feel it or feel that grey cloud hovering and wanting but never knowing when to act ~C

dream on

Longer deeper wider the road I'm on this time this dawn this paper moon that teases me this illumination I cannot see this other chapter where it gets exciting this amazing book I can't stop writing This wonder never satisfied these arms filled and holding someone warm, a love inviting fulfilling never biting never a cold that stings that takes away a night that quickly extinguishes day merciful of only me so I don't have to face it even for a night so I can sleep Don't wake it this sorrowful song within my soul playing on in my dreams don't shake it these trees about to give in to fall the moment where they lose it all the music swells and violins rise to convey the extent of the loss...the lie to stay here is to be in too deep treading and tiring the time is steep with pressure, decisions will be made all is altered but I am not dismayed change is surreal and can be changed in a whim dream on the chime will sound in the en

new one

The attention of some but I know it isn't you feel I'll know you when you get here when I come undone when I feel alive again pause a frozen frame a waiting game although the merry-go-round never stops though the shoe just never drops though my heart's an open sore and I've never been here before so I wait and I wonder and I walk the talk automatic pilot of a paper airplane in a voracious wind that whips the waves and drives the rain tossed and drained from resisting from twisting and turning back to see if you cared enough to follow me but turning back just gets me salt the sun and its rays make me look ahead for that something new for that brand new you that you I don't know don't cha know I've been waiting for you knowing you'd only get here when I stopped lookin back when I stopped tripping up stopped doubting my lack ~C

distance

The measurement can't be determined the distance between you & me when you can reach out to touch me but you don't we might as well be miles apart and the last time you did you were you and I was me now, who are we? That was so long ago and this is now uncharted undetermined... Your plane has been delayed so get cozy in the terminal where your good time depends on what's in your head and your heart will discover what really is dead Quieted you can listen you can feel a passion put out smothered and covered under layers of promises broken under a woolen blanket of reality I am waiting for something standing on a platform without a schedule hoping for nothing just looking numb and spaced out eyes set on the blue sky with empty in my heart a fire gone out smoking ~C

I will not perpetuate the pattern

Out of fear we compromise our boundaries concerning other people. Afraid that if we stand up for what we believe in and want out of life that there is a risk involved that we may offend or push away that they make not like us and leave and so we learn to compromise ourselves our values we morph and change to suit others to gain love and acceptance from them and seise to be genuine to ourselves, to who God designed us to be The irony is that doing so is the opposite of love and the opposite of who we are it is a diluted version of who we were meant to be just so that we can KEEP something or someone, when what they were attracted to in the first place was this woman of conviction this woman who knew what she wanted and where she was going this woman who knew what she believed in and stood for Your passion is what drew them so do not throw water on your own fire thinking that you will please someone at a sacrifice to yourself sure compromise is important but i

Pivot~Change~Life

Adaptability, sustainability, go with the flow it would be awesome if you could keep an open mind forgiveness is necessary be ready to pivot like on the volley ball court crouched down low hands out in front of you on the balls of your feet anticipating anything If I was only prepared to do a spike over the net then I wouldn't be ready for a dig wouldn't be ready for a save close to the floor If I only intended to set the ball then I wouldn't bump it over to save the game Be ready for ANYTHING Life is about ADAPTING to it be willing to morph Life is a conveyor belt of endless possibility made up of complex human beings with an infinite scenario of adventures waiting to play out based on the dynamic at the time based on the moods and the whims of others based on their stability or instability or their grace and forgiveness based on where they are and how they are today where you are, how you are.... All interwoven to create a moment that you walk into and imprint

stop turn ask

You boil down my life and like chicken soup in the making the fat rises to the top and I scoop it off because it is obvious with You what needs to go and it is healthier to get rid of it right away as son as I see it how I wish life was really this obvious but it is to You you see and know things I could never know and You go before me one or two steps before me constantly making a way even if I do not acknowledge you even if I cannot see Your work until later how You made it all come together for my good, for my best no matter if I could tell that WHEN I went through that sometimes thing become the most clear the farther we get away from them we gain perspective we couldn't have had when it was right under our nose we are too close and you ask us to step back but we just think you are trying to tell us what to do we forget You are all knowing that you designed the world and then designed us we forget to default to your wisdom because we gained our "independence" long a

Disoriented

Where is this place? this middle place this in between place I find myself in again This unknown pause like win lose or draw I am guessing the clues for an answer I don't know yet Scrambling together all that has happened so far thinking that will help me get my bearings But I don't know and maybe it shouldn't matter the technicalities... I know I was designed to take one step at a time I know not to judge my life on status or by my age I know not to compare myself to others or by what's all the rage So when I am sweeping the floor and feeling still 16 I don't have to worry that God won't meet me here I don't have to be in a hurry to get anywhere I can just breathe I can just remember who I am who I belong to and who I know who has my heart in His own. ~C

leftovers

leftovers know how you feel they know you regard them differently you may even sneer at them not sure what they "were" at first maybe you don't recognize what they are till reheated.... either way they are expecting this they are not surprised by you and your reactions sometimes they sit so long that they really just assume they'll get tossed leftovers have really low expectations The funny thing is though they were once this grand dinner they were once savored and enjoyed they caused O oh's and Ahhh's and delight they know what that felt like too But I can tell you right now even though the leftovers "get it" they will always want to be the dinner just made they will always reminisce about how you regarded them...then and even though they know that they know that they know they are leftovers they will always need you to pretend that you just met ~C

Ask Yourself

some people think my blog is literal that what I am writing is what is happening RIGHT NOW to me but I draw from everything from everyone and sometimes I go back & revisit a time and how I felt THEN and sometimes I try to imagine what someone else might be feeling based on what THEY are going through I put their situation on like I am putting on a coat and it might as well be made of wool because I can feel how uncomfortable it is I can feel that it is too tight and constricting I can see how they would want to take it off as soon as possible... Since I was pretty young I realized the concept of working on yourself of striving to be the best ME of looking into you and seeing what was going on good and bad helpful and hindering I thought everyone had this awareness that they were seeing that they were bitter about that and maybe they should forgive and learn to let go or that they were awesome at one thing but that another had a hold over them that they could see it, but maybe the

Curiosity Crushed

Don't think about doing it Do it and don't wonder what it would be like Find out Mulling it over for all eternity from every angle what will that get you except 80,000 options you never intend on acting on So don't fantasize or criticize until both outcomes leave you frozen and stranded detached or intrigued it is only until you walk it out that you'll know fo sho, so Find out for gosh sakes FIND OUT already! ~C

Change Resisted

I changed your surroundings while you weren't looking or maybe it is your situation or the people you've grown accustomed to you'll have to adapt now you really don't have a choice I guess the only choice you do have is how long you will take to adapt like waking up to another life like looking around and not recognizing this new layout who is this person sleeping next to me it might have all changed overnight the way he now speaks to you the sounds in the house your perfume sometimes time creeps and change is drawn out and other times it is ripped off of you like a band aid with too much adhesive... either way you are caught wondering looking around and worrying fearing resenting.... it will all hinder moving with the current that stops for no one as it changes again before you can gasp for breath before you can say "stop!" ~C

Floundering

Flip flopping on the dock gills heaving flip flop air instead of water and fear and the gravity so unlike the weightlessness of water feeling heavy, feeling crushed disoriented in another world other than the one I've known I am a fish out of water and I am floundering ~C

Horizon of Hope

Hope rests on the horizon and its influence, its volume, is determined by the light or the lack of light When the horizon is lit by the morning I feel the spark in my heart and at dusk, when it is slowly distinguished It feels like oxygen is lacking I feel restricted, discouraged High noon over the horizon has me beaming and the depths of night make me wring my hands some days creep slowly, lasting for weeks some nights discourage me for a month Highly aware of hope I can easily see what the horizon holds for me and even if blindfolded, I feel it this is the ebb and flow of doubt this is the rise and fall of expectation each day different, with different light A storm maybe... or a drought... Please God just give me a spark of hope constant on the horizon of my heart so that my light will never go out ~C

Happy Brother

prayer answered one I didn't even know I prayed but my heart does Everyone has to find their own way in their own time to rush them is futile like trying to push a semi-truck all it will do is give you a hernia and when the truck does finally move of it's own accord it will be effortless propelled from within not from outside itself and when we let that occur when we let the people in our lives find their own way in their own time something is within that, that is divine that is purposed and perfect You were so mad awhile ago and now the man I speak to he is oozing with love he is content and grounded appreciated and at peace and that man seeks forgiveness no matter if it is justified or not because of integrity because he realizes the value of letting go and how that is a gift he can give himself by letting go of resentment or judgement or bitterness He is choosing to not feed them anymore and it is so obvious what that means for your life the freedom from these things show an

Love wins

I used to think there were so many certain things that with the right amount of love or with enough of this or the right amount of that and with promises and with hugs and kisses things were sealed a done deal but it isn't so I am finding out that the world is ever changing that there are more uncertainties than I ever could have imagined that there are more uncertainties, than certainties even that that what I thought my life would be like and what it actually is are two very different things but I won't let myself become cynical I won't choose to be bitter or closed about that... besides just because it is not what I thought doesn't mean it isn't it's own kind of beautiful I may not ever know what is around the corner, but I choose not to live in fear of that but take each day as it comes and remember that love wins, God will work it all to good.... and love always wins in the end ~C

seek it

Like heavy vines in a jungle you push through them to find hope thick and black they choke out light the light that will help you find it you trudge through mud for miles and miles until your feet are blistered and sore and then you step out of your boots onto a big clean rock under a waterfall of water and you set your sore feet upon it and that rock is hope We always have to go through it to get to it we have to seek it we have to not give up you know it is there in your heart but sometimes your eyes can not define it cannot make it out through the fog or the black of night Hope is the thing unseen that sings that draws us in from far off that keeps a light burning at the end of the longest tunnel and it will not go out so do not give up on it do not doubt that it is waiting for you to find it ~C

boy's life altered

He feels like he has no family when really only one has left only an earthquake shifting everything he's ever known it causes him to question if everything was ever unbroken once because all he can focus on now is the aftermath and he wants to cry but he yells instead he doesn't know what to do with this.... these roller coaster emotions that take him for a ride queasy , he closes his eyes and tries to just hold on it will be over soon and then I can get off (he says to himself) and then I can step out of this but somehow he knows the boy who got on is not the same boy stepping off his life altered when the changes began and what was is no longer ~C

separate

dismantled torn apart pieces of a whole drifting out and away from once was what was known what was counted on what was expected and now loss is fresh now home, is altered and decisions have to be made like a death & having to choose a burial plot but not like that because you are still out there only choosing to leave here leave this family does she take down your pictures then? does she redecorate, or be haunted by you... see your ghost in the living room chair or see your memory in the garden like an apparition while they mourn the loss of what you were to them here of what you meant as part of a whole but no longer connected no longer choosing this no longer wishing to be a part of how can they not take that personally? how can they be ok ....? and in time the brunt of it will wear down but it is forever altered the wound leaving a big scar across hearts and the moment it happened, stood out as if time, frozen.... that moment she knew you weren't coming back that this ho

for Karen

Oh how my heart goes out to you because I have been there I have felt the frustration and the lack of control the abandonment and the rejection How I wish I could reach out and help in a way that would ease your burden and yet I know you have to find your own way go through it, and not around feel the sorrow and wrestle with the anger and surrender finally so that you can find a peace with God that is beyond understanding... All I can do is love you through it and tell you it is alright to cry it is ok to be mad that yes, it is devastating I know that I cannot save you from this pain but I can tell you that I understand, and mean it and I do, with all my heart and I so love you! ~C

The frostbite of my winter

Thank you God for church today. I needed it so much. I have been in a funk Lord and I know that you know (before I say a word it as if it is already written within You, and this is incredibly comforting to me.) I expressed how I was feeling to Marvin, A man in a wheel chair that comes to the Pantry on Tuesdays and loves to challenge us, and question us to build us up....and then in a loving way he shares scripture that speaks to whatever comes up. This Tuesday I am telling him about the funk I am in, this quiet place where I feel complacent and discouraged. "Sounds like you are in a winter." He says, "God tells us there is a time to reap and a time to sow...but there is also a time to rest, a quiet time, where it feels like nothing is happening to us, even though there is always something happening with God." This was so comforting to me, to know that even though I was feeling this way, bound in someway, that it is not necessary to struggle. I can sit there and proc

womans intuition

I know that I know I don't have to ask and it makes me feel sad as if my heart is in a cast with stifling walls that cause me short breaths these limited surroundings closing in feels like drowning or what I'd imagine... my soul floundering please heart!! stop caring!! let go....let go....or be dragged kicking and screaming or maybe I feel nothing being carried away to an ending mourning but no more crying definitely a sort of dying what is it going to take? what will be my final straw? am I waiting for something to break? does it all require a fall? or will it happen while I am sleeping an awakening as I am dreaming... a slipping away in the night while I cradle my pillow tight? or will it happen like I least expect it to a band-aid ripped off or the drop of a shoe? or a gasp with a cry, can I ask myself why it is taking so long... instead I'll ask God "Why is it taking so long?" ~C

This is how He does it

I am in Chamberlin Book Mine Rows and rows of books to the ceiling a "candy" store for those who love to read Oh and I do and Hayden and Sky are running down the isles and then resisting the urge to keep running once I have asked them to please walk and then Hayden runs down a short isle anyway an isle that ends with a wall and he likes to do this lately slam into the wall all dramatically only this time when he does, he knocks over a pile of magazines stacked close to the floor on a bottom shelf and like a lot of messes he makes it seems to demand more energy to clean it up than it did to make so I walk down the isle and tell him I will help him and as I am helping him re stack the magazines I glance to my left and lying there on the bottom shelf on top of one other book is a book called "The hidden Life" I pick it up and read the back cover intrigued, I flip to the middle and read a passage {this is how I test a book...flip to the middle and start reading the st

eye on the goal

I am standing in a room screaming at the top of my lungs and there is no sound we are arguing but it is silent all raw emotion and furrowed brows downcast eyes and tears canceled out by all the years each word silenced because it has been said before obvious signs of disregard just moving lips a dance we've done forever predictable steps memorized filtered through memories trips us up with wounding familiar in the way of knowing but craziness to seek peace through growling you misunderstand me I misunderstand you but a common goal is sought it is called closure it is agreed it is an agreed need the goal : to move on from here ~C

dry tank

had enough done but not done for done flailing but not drowning I don't want to look anymore even if I know that you are there to face it hurts worse so I don't go there if the decisions I make today are based on the joy and pain I experienced yesterday how can I not referance certain things how can I explain how I am feeling now without mentioning that which I arrived at from then I want you to want me even as I am we all have our faults the things that are not ideal but we make room to breathe no one wants the plastic bag over their lives suffocating them with what they will never be creating a tunnel to only one way out my way or the highway instead, figure it out there are 3 doors not 2 and 3 sides too many options not one love compromises love is fun love is patient love is kind love does not boast and I would hope it also does not roast the one it loves over hot coals I look around and tsk tsk tsk the job you do I am not satisfied with it are you willing to compromise eve

stay out

I cannot hear you any more I cannot hear you over the roar of my own engine my self loathing and my regret my pain and my sorrow my guilt that bleeds into tomorrow I cannot hear you pleading it might as well be bleating it makes my ears hurt what you say goes through a scrambler of my own making so that it comes out all wrong riles up my thinking if I am defensive you won't know I am leaking that I am drowning that I am roting and reeking spray the lysol disenfect the discord sterylize the loss with gloved hands I can now touch the sacred preserved inards of the heart of me the part of me I give to nobody an island wild and deserted and unrefined secluded to a fault starving for an appreciative eye meant for greatness but over protected with many many guns don't let 'um in and I ensure it will never be changed but oh then it will never change things can never change ~C

rip tide

Don't hate me for being me for not conforming to you you cannot say with distain that I am so predictible and then praise me for my consistancy you cannot love me for being laid back but then complain that I am not a neat freak I do not pick at you I do not like being picked at for me there seems to be a theme of nothing ever being good enough of not quite ever measuring up and I cannot live like that cannot see the love through your sneer and with the same eye that glares at me you cannot wink at me it wrecks me I let it why do I do that when I have a choice? you run in real life I run in my mind reeling and searching for a way up over and out of the swirling rip tide I struggle when I should relax and kick back ride it out by letting go how exactly does one do that I want to do that ~C

what counts

It is not what you do that counts but with whom you do it with a perspective that has magic with a cheerful attitude that exudes joy that finds beauty in the simplest things and makes a vacation out of the every day ~C

S & J

You are not made of clay I can not shape you into someone else I can not tweak you or alter you in some big way I cannot force you or even encourage you it seems to be the version of you that would be better for me so I am letting go I am accepting you for YOU I am downplaying the negative I am turning up the positive I am highlighting your attributes and dwelling on the times and ways you were too good to be true You are who you are and I cannot mold you into anyone else and I do not want to I just don't want you to hurt me I won't let you You are God's He created you so I will defer to Him and when we differ I will hand you over I will ask Him to come in to every situation where we clash and we don't agree and I will ask him to speak right to you right to me Ask him to soften hearts and give us His eyes to love His heart of patience of compassion all gifts from above and I will trust that He is working all things to our good no matter what they seem to me at that time

Sue

How touching your trusting me enough to come knock on my door and burst into tears fall into my open arms for comfort How touching as if exposing your underbelly your vulnerability and trusting me with all of you I don't take it lightly being here for you a high point of my every day The raw stuff is the guts of it to not edit your life show the truth of it It is what makes our friendship real it's what makes you YOU and me ME and I rather let my hair down and really know you then fake it and save face for the sake of it I value our approach the candid reality of how we choose to be no airbrushing or special lighting we are what we get we get what we are You understand me sometimes better than I understand myself you teach me you warn me you encourage me you love me I truly think God gives us friends to balance out the holes that occur in life in family He knew before He created our lives that we'd need that help Someone who truly understands someone who will sincerely pray

hope in a letter

Hope came with the mail today in a letter you sent conveyed in words you wrote with time you set aside to write to me and I felt it like something tangible and now I know it in my heart, to be true ~C

what will you do?

Sour sorrow reeking with regret tainted with tears languid with longing wrestling with resentment while bitterness is bristling and we are sighing with sadness and wallowing in worry and fearing fear itself! why stay there? where you are stolen from where you are lied to where you will die where the same old record plays around and around and the music brings you down down down PSSSSSSSST : hey you, (I urgently whisper) you have a choice! a smile? or a frown? ~C

the beginning of the end

stack of boxes unloaded dispersed in the last place you may call home on earth a home they call nursing makes me think of the beginning of babies and bosoms of swaddling and of holding but for you it is about breaking down about brittle bones about people not coming around about long silences and a lot of sitting A whole life lived and now reduced boiled down to this small room this room where as you move in you must realize is the beginning of the end And maybe, you are OK with that because the end, really, is only the beginning ~C

emotional boxing ring

He's got you on the ropes sweat dripping into your eye a slow mo' blow to the side of your face as you let out a wretched cry Your face, really your heart bleeding when tore open and when he nails you in the kidneys, it's really your self~esteem he is attacking your crushed nose, really your crushed hopes Yes sir, he's got you on the ropes an emotional boxing ring where you feel like you are losing where there seems more giving and at the same time more taking than one can really stand You gotta fight him! don't lay into the corner don't sink onto the floor rise up and meet him duck and cover swing some more! There will always be a ding as the round affords you a resting where encouragement will be shouted as your wounds are dabbed your strength, do not doubt it! No matter how some will attack you no matter what words come flying at you no matter how intense the impact you are equipped with all that you need you are given the stealth to rise above to get in th

new mantra

The old one used to be "Be anxious for nothing" Ah! The power of scripture said over and over until it has sunk in until it attaches as if woven until it shimmers as if golden until it is ingrained in you until it brings you peace and is KNOWN by your heart and it becomes your TRUTH So my new one is" I am willing to be misunderstood" "I am willing to be misunderstood" "I am willing to be misunderstood" every time a thought comes over me reminding me of being judged or criticized or shunned I say it again and again to myself.... Like a calm from the center of me it ripples outward it severs the ties that taunt me that want to bind me to what holds me back the words over and over counteracting the pull of the negative a tug of war I know I am winning as I say it again ~C

finding you in everything

Sometimes I write what I want to be said to me what I'd like to hear what I imagine to be true what I need or desire from you Sometimes I daydream I wonder if I'll ever... I imagine my forever and it's nice to see it on paper even if it never comes true, with you And sometimes I sing sing the songs that remind me repeat the lyrics that tend to haunt me words conveying feelings that I have felt too, for you Sometimes I close my eyes and see you in my mind sleep and dream an adventure we may never have together but keep all the same close to my heart This concentration of my imagination, my voice, my pen that finds you... in everything ~C