Thursday, August 25

stop turn ask

You boil down my life
and like chicken soup in the making
the fat rises to the top
and I scoop it off
because it is obvious with You
what needs to go
and it is healthier to get rid of it right away
as son as I see it
how I wish life was really this obvious
but it is to You
you see and know things I could never know
and You go before me
one or two steps before me
constantly making a way
even if I do not acknowledge you
even if I cannot see Your work until later
how You made it all come together
for my good, for my best
no matter if I could tell that
WHEN I went through that

sometimes thing become the most clear
the farther we get away from them
we gain perspective we couldn't have had
when it was right under our nose
we are too close and you ask us to step back
but we just think you are trying to tell us what to do
we forget You are all knowing
that you designed the world
and then designed us
we forget to default to your wisdom
because we gained our "independence" long ago
and we've "got it"
that is so funny for us to assume
when really we know nothing
it is bravely foolish and unwise
and we do it anyway
caught up in the moment
not even considering You would know better
we don't even stop to seek You and ask

Ah the pride and the determination
without all the facts
without eyes or ears that can really see or hear
without a green light
or a nod
or a "go get um Tiger!"
we don't even wait
we just leap....
what are we thinking?
are we thinking at all?
and why do we not train our thinking
to default to asking You?
to pause and turn and ask....
Is it your will God?
Is it your very best?

~C

Disoriented

Where is this place?
this middle place
this in between place
I find myself in again

This unknown pause
like win lose or draw
I am guessing the clues
for an answer I don't know yet

Scrambling together
all that has happened so far
thinking that will help me
get my bearings

But I don't know
and maybe it shouldn't matter
the technicalities...
I know I was designed
to take one step at a time

I know not to judge my life
on status or by my age
I know not to compare myself
to others or by what's all the rage

So when I am sweeping the floor
and feeling still 16
I don't have to worry that God won't meet me here
I don't have to be in a hurry
to get anywhere

I can just breathe
I can just remember who I am
who I belong to
and who I know
who has my heart in His own.

~C

Thursday, August 11

leftovers

leftovers know how you feel
they know you regard them differently
you may even sneer at them
not sure what they "were" at first
maybe you don't recognize what they are till reheated....
either way they are expecting this
they are not surprised by you
and your reactions
sometimes they sit so long that they really just assume they'll get tossed
leftovers have really low expectations

The funny thing is though
they were once this grand dinner
they were once savored and enjoyed
they caused Ooh's and Ahhh's and delight
they know what that felt like too

But I can tell you right now
even though the leftovers "get it"
they will always want to be the dinner just made
they will always reminisce about how you regarded them...then
and even though they know that they know that they know
they are leftovers
they will always need you to pretend
that you just met

~C


Wednesday, August 10

Ask Yourself

some people think my blog is literal
that what I am writing is what is happening
RIGHT NOW to me
but I draw from everything
from everyone
and sometimes I go back & revisit a time
and how I felt THEN
and sometimes I try to imagine what someone else might be feeling
based on what THEY are going through
I put their situation on
like I am putting on a coat
and it might as well be made of wool
because I can feel how uncomfortable it is
I can feel that it is too tight and constricting
I can see how they would want to take it off as soon as possible...

Since I was pretty young
I realized the concept of working on yourself
of striving to be the best ME
of looking into you and seeing what was going on
good and bad
helpful and hindering
I thought everyone had this awareness
that they were seeing that they were bitter about that
and maybe they should forgive and learn to let go
or that they were awesome at one thing
but that another had a hold over them
that they could see it, but maybe they just were choosing not to go there
but as time went on
I saw that some people couldn't even see their own struggles
or that they were so buried within them,
that they manifested thyself as something else
so self loathing or nonacceptance looks like anger
or feeling trapped looks like depression
sometimes it is a physical manifestation
where our unhappiness only shows on the outside
but to talk to us we seem ok

People are Rubik cubes I tell ya
they are infinitely complex
it is why when we do click with someone on an emotional level
it is so exciting
I am so complex but this person gets me
even people that do not seem complex, are complex
if you have lived long enough, you have a story
and that story is filled with all these choices you've made
but then it is filled with choices of all these other people that effected you
even strangers choices
choices by people you let into the deepest parts of your heart
and maybe the choices those people made, left deep scars....

Some people don't go and look within themselves because they are scared to
they are scared of what they would find
or maybe they already know what they will find so they spend time
making large signs and posting them warning them to KEEP OUT
they spend their time making signs so they can remind themselves why
why going there is not a good idea
better to avoid it at all costs, to go there is an end of their false reality
and they feel the only way to exist is to make that false life their only life

Life has a weird way of making us go there eventually though
as much as we fight it
it finds a way to seek us out
stand right in our path
and look us straight in the eyes

If truth is meant to set us free
why do we not run after the truth
why do we not beg the truth to smash the chains we drag around
why do we not face our truth and then begin our story there?

Instead it is messy and awkward
it is filled with trips and falls
it is 3 steps forward two steps back
a dance that seems to take forever and tires us
but we still learn
it is just so much slower a process

and sometimes we think we have it all together
we think we have it all figured out
we have the talk to back it up
we can point at the things we have and the people we know and say see
see I have it all figured out
and yet people know we don't
they see right through all that stuff

there seems to be this balance
and if you know you haven't got it all figured out
but your open to learning
then you are in a good place
it would help too if you were willing to look in
ask yourself the hard questions that need to be asked
and the trick is
only you know what they are....

~C