Friday, August 28

Ever The Transitional Life

Selling a house is exhausting. You go into hyper-upkeep-mode and have to keep it immaculately maintained most of the time. Making your house look like a show house when you have a 4 and 2 year old is a bit insane. Especially when your boy has hit the messy stage, where pure entertainment comes from dumping out every container he can find, no matter what it is filled with! I am so over it all after going on 3 years on the market. I just want to live in my own home and feel that it is mine for once.

This is the third house we renovated, and we got to live in each house about 3 years, a lot of that time being that each home was in transition over that time, maybe going from the 70's retro style to modern day. The point being that you don't totally enjoy the finished product very much, because when you get to that point then it is time to sell AND even if it doesn't sell right away, you carry on in this mode like it isn't really yours to keep anyway, so there is this detached feeling about your "home". Since real estate is such a Sukey investment these days anyway I plan on embracing my next house as my own. Not too big, lots of gorgeous light flooding it, and cozy. I want to add a lot of woodwork and trim and bead board and make it a place that we can call home for once with the up-front intent of staying there.

Maybe it is what I have been through, but I am not a fan of being in transition right now, or "moving on" and "starting again" , all of it has too much similarity to what I have experienced in my personal life. I want a situation I can count on, even just a little bit. I don't want to always feel like my life is swirling about me with uncertainty. I KNOW that that IS life, but I don't want it always to FEEL like that. Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that there is a point that you reach where you are untouched by any sort of tragedy. I have learned that this just cannot be, and that is exactly why I pray. We would never grow without challenges and pains in our life, so I get it, but it is nice to slow it down and pace myself when I can.

Life is so much about change and starting again, and doing it over and better. It is so much like the seasons of life....we change that much, that often, and maybe more. I am trying to find peace with that, expecting the best while I expect that some of it will be challenging and hard too. I feel better prepared the more I embrace the reality of this life and all the ups and Downs that I know comes with it. I am ready and I am willing for the next chapter...I just pray that I can stand in the sunshine for awhile and feel the warmth on my face before the next rain comes.

Thursday, August 27

Messes

Dried Rice Krispies
are cemented to the floor with dried milk
and
Nails and screws are strewn about
because you figured out you can open doors
and
Ooooh the utencil drawer
a spatula could be a sword if I pretend
and
there is glitter embedded into the carpet
because you can now open containers too
and
could you hand me the jar of marbles Mom
Cuz I just want to dump it out

Oh the thrill of dumping a jar of ANYTHING!

No I don't want to clean any of it up
Ahhhh Mannnn
A time out?
boo hoo

(You are such work little one
but how I love you.)

~C

Forever Altered

you moved the furniture
and I am blind
I memorized the original arrangement
it is how I knew how to get around
(in the dark)
and now I am bashing my knees
and bruising
learning this new way around
and through
and past obstacles
in my new reality
forever altered
by the changes you made
without me


~C

Affair

so you're walking and you're walking....
and OH! you meet her and well (you are semi grown up now)
and this is different than a fling
it just FEELS different
it could be the start of something
and then it is
and it becomes serious
I can picture myself with this girl
How many kids do you want?
and then before you know it
a proposal
Ahhh she said yes! YES!
and then my first house
and then kids....
is it stuffy in here? Is that all?
Ooooh she's hot!
Who is she?
You mean I could have waited and been with her?
Was I just biding my time with this other life,
until I found my REAL one?
Moving on....
"up"
OUT
see ya.

~C

See-through

To be SEEN is glorious
acknowledged
validated
adored

but when he looks through me
or past me
with indifference
as if I do not exist

it burns
and part of me tries not to notice
and another part
withers

~C

Wednesday, August 26

Dreamy

My pillows smell like you
and I am the only one who knows that
no one else could tell
and there is something so private about that
so intimate
and it reminds me of you
makes it seem like you are right there
next to me
again
in the dark

~C

Sunday, August 23

Dating A Family

When I was in first grade my Mom and Dad separated. We lived in the Bahamas at the time and my Dad was going to be stationed in Hawaii the next year, and me, my brother and my sister would move to Long Island with my Mom and her new Boyfriend Jeff. We lived with Jeff for 6 years I think...my selective memory doesn't allow for specifics, but it was at least that. Jeff became a part of my life, a father figure. I came to expect his presence and know it, and although there was an obvious gap there, because he could never fully love me as his own, He was present, loving, and involved, unlike my own father. Because of this I grew to Love him...count on him too I think.

But then they split. After that my Mom dated many a man for a time, my selective mind only flashes with memories of some of them, maybe 5 different guys, but those 5 make an impression because, like with Jeff, I came to love them, expect them to stay, or just wanted them to. My Mom was dating them, but in some ways they were dating us all. We fell in love with their role as a father figure that we were craving and needing, they filled a void, they spoke to our need. So with each break-up, we too had to let go of the idea of them staying, of being part of our close little family. We ebbed and flowed with the changes, with the comings and goings of these men, but it tore at our hearts and created a pattern of loving and leaving. I think some part of me learned not to count on forever concerning anything, and yet I took that part of me duck taped it's mouth and threw it deep down in me, somewhere where it couldn't share it's opinion or remind me that happily ever after rarely if ever does happen. I chose to move past it. I still chose to believe in "happily ever after"and the possibility that it could exist.

So I find myself a single Mom now. Just like my own Mom, and I face this expanse of an unknown dating reality before me. The last time I dated I was 16, and here I am 33, having to get back out there. It is strange but because I stopped dating at 16 it feels like that is where I am picking up from again, so if a 45 old man hits on me I balk that he could be my father! But not so! He is a mere 12 years my senior (still too old!) and it is not too obscene I guess, but still bizarre from a 16 year old perspective! Even more complicated is that I have 2 children to think of. I stand to put them through the same revolving door dating situation my own Mom had, and I sadden at the thought of it. So what do you do? How do you keep your love life separate without feeling torn? How long do you wait until he meets your kids? What if he's awesome with you for 6 months and you feel it is a committed relationship, so you introduce him to your kids and then discover they don't mesh at all? How soon is too soon? How long is too long?

It is so fragile in a way because he is not just dating you, he is dating all of you, he is dating a family. I give a lot of credit to guys even willing to enter in to such a family as there are so many men that are up front and admit they are totally uninterested in a "woman with kids" scenario. Understandably, it is more complicated and dynamic, it takes much more flexibility and selflessness, patience, commitment and time. The man who is up for it is quite exceptional in my book. But even then, after entering in, there is such risk in not only your attachment but with your kids attachment. You set the stage and you introduce the characters at this point, you say when they enter stage left, and you say when there is a curtain call. Your choices become choices for many. HOW HEAVY! HOW IMPORTANT TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES! and this is why we are parents....adults. We better act like it and tread carefully, use calculatingly slow moves as we glide towards new love.

He's not just dating me after all, he's choosing to date a family.

~C

Wednesday, August 19

Relationship

I am so fascinated lately with human relationship. It is so strange how fragile relationships can be and how the love seems to fade out with time. The love fades and then people just move on. How can we ever make any sort of guarantee to one another? The possibilities are endless and they swirl about us. There are temptations galore and beyond that we are constantly growing and changing. There was never any promise that we would change together, at the same pace. Life is hard, but sharing our lives with another so intricately complicated person is even harder!

Why are we so passionate and loving in the beginning and then it fades to indifference? Why do we get to the point where we don't even speak to each other with love? It is like the more we know about each other we use against each other....we can hurt more deeply and hit below the belt with such accuracy because we KNOW all the weak points, all the vulnerabilities. Why wouldn't that make us love and support each other more? Why wouldn't it encourage us to use more care and understanding? What are we so MAD about? Why is it so easy to throw in the towel and start again with someone new? No wonder there is such a learned casualty with moving on. More and more people you date and love and marry, because you create this disposable pattern. It becomes easier to move past it, re-create it (so you think).

Why do we kiss and touch and gaze at each other in the beginning, and then find ourselves years later squirming if we look too long, feeling put out if someone wants to kiss, and not needing to touch each other anymore? What happens, and WHY? What is lost? and at what POINT in the journey?? What goes missing? What festers and kills? What taints and bruises us?

It is so SO sad to me.

There are so many people I've talked to lately that are struggling. That are divorced or getting divorced or are so close to it. Some have weaved it in there and it lives with them, this silent option, there waiting. Or maybe it is never to be an option for some, so they divorce in other ways....with not touching, and not kissing, with cutting each other out of their lives in countless ways creating a slow death or indifference and living parallel to one another. Aware, but utterly unengaged of each other. Comfortable with the dysfunction, with knowing what to expect, even if it is creating a void in their hearts, even when it steals their potential and creative will to give and receive LOVE.

Are we just fickle? Is it just what it is? The endless scenarios that lead to separation and heartache...that with time we hope, fades. But for some it is a haunting reminder of their every day, tormenting and needling them with their past....unfinished business left trailing behind them like a worn unraveling sweater, into their "new" life.

There are so many factors swirling about, so many things that challenge and test....and it comes down to choices. Ones you can live with may effect the other person in a way that they cannot deal....we effect each other that way....ripples pushing out....

so I continue to wonder at the mystery, weep for the loss and hurt caused, and then feel indifferent as I realize it happens so commonly. Indifferent, but then incredibly grateful that I have control over the few choices I have to make, that I can choose to add life and keep on kissing, keep on reaching out to touch the one I am with. In each day, I can choose to Love.

~C