Monday, May 17

The difference of a day

Isn't it amazing the difference a day can make?
Before I knew God
I was up and then down, way up, way down
now I can receive a crushing blow
and I just become quiet and contemplative.

It still hurts bad
but there is no drama
not in the worldly sense
only the weight of the truth of it
only the solid gold bar weight of that truth.

Honor goes really deep
it is a lesson I am learning as I push through life
it is amazing how huge integrity is
how elusive it can be
and how fast we can slip up

If I was an animal,
and that conveyed how I feel right now
I would be a mouse
because a mouse only makes a sound if you step on it
and my big eyes would be the only thing to convey to you my feelings
and maybe my whiskers would twitch,
or they would lie flat maybe
if I was feeling sad

If I was a mouse I would feel vulnerable
being so small
but God would draw attention to my strengths
like running fast
and slipping into small cracks to escape
and being sustained by the smallest bits of food

He would remind me that that is how He designed me
for a distinct purpose
with specific strengths and weaknesses
all of which that He can and will use for His glory
all of which He will mold and shape me with
with circumstance and experience

and he would let me know that He delighted in me
in my mousiness and all the glorious ways I added joy to His life
with my teeny weeny existence
He would remind me that no matter how small
I make an amazing difference.


Sunday, May 16

you did it again God

You gave me another mid-sentence revelation God,
or is it a mid-question revelation?
I ask the question " Why is it that I have trouble receiving gifts, especially money gifts from people?
and you instantly brought to mind a memory of my Dad.
When I was younger he would gripe about how expensive a telephone call was.
I just wanted a relationship....
but when he said it was too expensive to call me,
I learned to feel guilty.
this guilt attached itself to the memory.
It was a burden for him to give to me.
I took that on
and ironed it onto my life.
so now when I receive a gift
I feel uncomfortable
like I am putting people out
like I am creating a hardship for them??
man that is so messed up....
Inside I am so thankful, even reverent
totally acknowledging their good deed
feeling like I cannot thank them enough
but then a friend said....
Life Gives to the Giver and takes from the taker....
I realize that I do end up just wanted to give back to the people who give to me.
Giving and receiving
receiving and giving
is such a lovely dance
I let go of my past
and I will learn to receive....simply
and accept love
and believe that it is freely given
no strings attached
for me to freely accept.


Friday, May 14

strife vs peace

How do you stop waiting in expectation
for something you've been waiting for so long
the waiting becomes a life of it's own
instead of living
you are waiting
hoping for comfy far off always
instead of experiencing comfy now

but then...
peace settles over me
more and more
and my soul becomes quiet
like a station with no music nor static
and my flesh wants to recognize that quietness
as despair
or a deadness
it wants to trick me into thinking there is a surrender in that
like giving up
but I know better
coming down off of a high
that I rode for so long
connected to an unhealthy way
that dragged me behind a car
and where I never got my footing
and even when I thought I had
I was mistaken

but we cannot stay there
in that false place
and so God turns in all way down
to a whisper
that we have to lean in and listen for
and the quiet that consumes us
as we patiently wait to hear the next great thing
pushes out all the drama
that churns around us
wanting in


Forgive and Forget

The most powerful person you can forgive is yourself
how do you put away something that was a snapshot in your own mind?
I am insanely visual and I don't think you can
it is a matter of facing it
then screaming at it if you need to
then punching it in the gut
but then making peace with it
looking it straight in the eyes and saying
"I forgive you."

I would imagine it is easy for God to forget once you ask
and throw it into the bottom of the deep blue sea
He has so much to manage he probably welcomes forgetting
probably has such a raging multitasking mind, that He is on in an instant
to more pressing issues, like all the good you've been doing
but you and me...
well that is a different story
we only have to manage us
one mind
one set of choices and triumphs and screw-ups
so everything is magnified
so forgetting is harder than forgiving
but I have found that once you forgive someone
then when you do remember the instance
you remember it in a detached way
seeing it only for what it was
and deflating it of most of the emotion and torment
like removing the stinger from a bee
the offense just buzzes at you
annoying but not stinging
remembered but not dismantling you

so in all honesty it may take a lobotomy to really forget
if you ask me,
and you did (hee hee)
but what really matters is the forgiveness
forgiving will set you free
it is key
it will transform a caterpillar to a butterfly
turn a cold hard winter into spring


What are you waiting for exactly

perfect weather
or a good hair day
when you feel energized
or jazzercised
when you have your ducks in a row
maybe when it gets bad enough
dark enough
and you are facing a wall
when the sky is blue with cotton ball clouds
and the bills are all paid
and their are no weeds in your bed
when you get a raise
when you lose some weight
when you accomplish all you had
on every to do list you've ever made....

maybe then I will attempt to go in
maybe I will just know the time is right
maybe God will just tap me on the shoulder and then
I will go there
I will open that old worn out book
and I will see what is actually written down
an adventure I put off out of fear
a journey that only started with that first step
I am not willing to take

putting off what we could do today
and then
blinking and realizing
it has been a thousand tomorrows
and we cannot even recognize ourselves
a whole life coasted by
on automatic pilot
because that was way more comfy then facing our giants
our fears
then listening to that old record
that old voice that croaked
"you'll never be good enough,
or measure up
so why try? Just stick to what you are good at
and run from the rest
and dodge anything uncomfortable
it will go away on it's own."

so has it? Or has what you have avoided festered?
and why is God's perfect time
taking so forever long?


Your closed door is not mine

I stand before your door
and I know it well
over time you have added many locks
the hinges have been reinforced
the wood it is made from is 100 year old strong
like heart pine through fire
that will not quit, as solid as stone

You have spent time carving into it
embellishing the outside
and you find anything you can do to the outside of it
to avoid going through it
to avoid going in

I have stood holding the keys for a long long time
trying on my own
to unlock your door for you
endlessly encouraging you
more determined than you
to get inside
and sort things out in there
to help you
to love you

But today I am standing there
in deep realization
transfixed on the obvious fact
that it is not my door I am staring at
and it is not my set of keys to use
it is not my way in
or my way out, for that matter
it is personal
it is yours
and yours alone

So I may watch you embellish the door forever
or look on while you purposely misplace the keys
maybe you choose to look past the door altogether
and it is your choice to make
I am learning to respect that choice
not become emotional with disappointment
or own your decisions as my own

My door is standing wide open
the breeze flows in and out
and you can see the ocean beyond it
there are flowers at the door
and a huge welcome sign
a huge heart plaque
so plain to see
that conveys
you are invited in
it declares
"here I am!"
with my heart on my sleeve
my good and my bad
the beauty with the ugly
this is how I feel
this is who I am
this is what I am about
you get all of it

nothing to hide
nothing to fear
nothing to lock up

Life outside your door
in the dark hallway
presents the mirage of control
because it is contained
and seems manageable
and is 2 dimensional
but there is way more
there is so much more
if you can get beyond that door.


Wednesday, May 5

Wait just a minute



don't give in to the pressure
or hand over your serene spirit
simply over some spoken words
over a little knowledge that you may disagree with
a view you do not share

God tells us to be anxious for NOTHING
and I never form the image in my head
that Jesus got his feathers ruffled
or got impatient or miffed with people
at the drop of a hat

tolerance takes such practice
like being able to take something in
without absorbing it
like standing outside
and looking in at it
realizing it
for what it is

no drama

no heightened emotion

you choose all that, you really do.

So I will take it as it comes
like a wave I can see coming from far off
so by the time it reaches me
I have my feet dug down deep
ready to receive the blow of the wave
and let it wash over me
sweep past me
and draw back into itself
negativity flowing around me
but not into me
but not absorbed
but not made emotional

I take it to you God
and like a dog that brings a kill to his master
I lay it at your feet,
not as a prize
but as something surrendered to you
something that I have no business sorting out

You remind me that it is not about me
so no reason to feel defensive either
no reason to put on armor
or slink back and hide
in calm and quiet

I wait on you Lord
I wait for your good word on the subject
and I let go of any tension
repel any ripples
that were not welcomed
and then send some out in love
knowing that it all comes down to that
check yourself
make sure you've got it
and it is coursing through your veins
and spilling all over all you do
that it speaks
without you having to say a word
and it burns from your heart
purifying all your choices