waiting to understand

Why do I feel the need to defend myself so much? Explain and elaborate and strain to be understood? I know who I am I know what I want and I know what I stand for... Why am I so afraid of being the bad guy? Of being portrayed as an underachiever or an overachiever or a bitch? keep my BOUNDARIES and have the guts to tell someone to BACK OFF! I'm getting there still learning to remain quiet while being confident in who I am ~C

There's an invisable key around my neck that materalizes when you walk back into my life the key unlocks a lockbox stored away in the bank of my heart a place reserved with a love I have for only you and when you go it feels like breaking a withdrawing that always takes time and so I lock up the love and put the box back and I put the key back and I am left wondering.... ~C

What is it about special occasions that bring everything into the bright light? Like at my cousin's wedding when she dedicated that song , that I meant to dedicate to my Mom at my wedding, and never did get to, and now my Mom's in heaven... and this dedicated song years later has me and my Brother, and his wife and my aunt and who ever else bawling...tears flying.... bright light illuminating her absence... and here comes Thanksgiving...que the SPOT LIGHT and it is the first BIG holiday for me to face after being divorced... and I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and it just makes me miss my Mom. Because I knew I belonged where ever she was. So many sweet invitations from friends and family to go on my own to places and celebrate with them, and leave this holiday to Bri to be with the kids... In reality we are going to have to start taking turns with the holidays right?? Otherwise it is unhealthy or strange to celebrate with his family as if nothing has changed?? Is it? ...

I love that saying. I realize that my reality starts with me...it's all in how I take it all in, how I perceive the world. How I grow and change, what I put into my head and even what I choose to take out. Who I am to the people in my life...every interaction, a chance for God to work through me... and I want to get it right! I know it is a process, and I know I will stumble and fall endlessly but it is in the striving to get it right, that I will get it right sometimes! It is our willingness to take it on, our determination to be what we say we want to be! It is so obvious how we effect others, as if an experiment, I want you to start to notice how people react to you, listen to the feed back they give you in words or even with body language... I am amazed at how the more I give of myself, so much more do I receive... encouragement and praise and so much love. Getting it back is so rewarding and addicting! I just want to give more to get more! Like anything that grows, so has my s...

Hello God...I see you are checking in that you have found a new way to remind me of your love! That you are here to encourage me and give me the strength I need to do anything and everything, that you will show me which way to go if only I ask you! When I happen to see the time 1:11 now, I take a moment to reflect on what I mean to you and then to reflect on what you mean to me and I am so thankful and so grateful too, that you have found a new way to remind me so often, to check in just to say that you love me. I love you too! ~C