Bright Light Holidays

What is it about special occasions that bring everything into the bright light?
Like at my cousin's wedding when she dedicated that song ,
that I meant to dedicate to my Mom at my wedding,
and never did get to,
and now my Mom's in heaven...
and this dedicated song years later has me and my Brother, and his wife and my aunt and who ever else bawling...tears flying....
bright light illuminating her absence...

and here comes Thanksgiving...que the SPOT LIGHT
and it is the first BIG holiday for me to face after being divorced...
and I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and it just makes me miss my Mom.
Because I knew I belonged where ever she was.
So many sweet invitations from friends and family to go on my own to places and celebrate with them, and leave this holiday to Bri to be with the kids...
In reality we are going to have to start taking turns with the holidays right??
Otherwise it is unhealthy or strange to celebrate with his family as if nothing has changed??
Is it?
What if we are mature about it, is it better then?
Is it less weird then?
Ugh...I hate this...it's so unfair and weird and uncomfortable.
I wish I could wish it away.
I am just left feeling so emotional.
So displaced and detached from my old reality, the stark truth that I have no idea what my life is supposed to look like and that I don't have a definition as to where I am.

Dad, and Mom in heaven and step Mom and Step Dad and grama and grampas and grama and grampas in heaven, and step grama and step aunts and step brothers and sisters and a sister and brother and sister in laws and brother in laws and now what do you call the in-law family you knew as your own for 10 years but now are no longer??
Are they once removed or just removed?
(That was a joke...when things get too heavy you have to laugh so you don't cry.)

I guess the answer is that titles don't matter, labels don't define...
it all boils down to the LOVE that remains.
Some of my closest family members are my dearest friends.
Some of the most lovely people in my life can never dine with me again...
So I choose to just be THANKFUL for the huge diverse family that I have and I know deep down that all that matters is that we're joined by mutual love for each other and no titles are needed, no distinct understanding of the current situation is needed to warrant an invitation.
An invitation is there anyway, because there is love.
and everything is going to be OK
whatever "OK" looks like.
I don't pretend to know.
So bring on Christmas then....
I am ready to accept it for what it will be...
imperfectly.

~C

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