These things I don't want to do

I do not want to say or do anything
that confirms the lies you believe about you

I do not want to think or feel the wanting for the thing
that does not lead me back to you

I don't want to keep making choices that prove to you
I don't really love you

I do not want to do the thing
that I do not want to do....

So it is when I find myself walking in that direction
that I pause
that I wait
willing myself to remember the goal
the dream

40,000 key locks on one gate...
that I put there myself
to stop me from going in
from going there again
and sabotaging the life God destined for me,

And then I turn
and I run
the other way
away from what takes away
away from the thing I always perceived as giving to me
the getting...never a gain
never worth the loss, the cost....
never worth
losing us for
never worth
losing me for.

~C

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