waiting to understand

Selling a house is exhausting. You go into hyper-upkeep-mode and have to keep it immaculately maintained most of the time. Making your house look like a show house when you have a 4 and 2 year old is a bit insane. Especially when your boy has hit the messy stage, where pure entertainment comes from dumping out every container he can find, no matter what it is filled with! I am so over it all after going on 3 years on the market. I just want to live in my own home and feel that it is mine for once. This is the third house we renovated, and we got to live in each house about 3 years, a lot of that time being that each home was in transition over that time, maybe going from the 70's retro style to modern day. The point being that you don't totally enjoy the finished product very much, because when you get to that point then it is time to sell AND even if it doesn't sell right away, you carry on in this mode like it isn't really yours to keep anyway, so there is this detac...

Dried Rice K rispies are cemented to the floor with dried milk and Nails and screws are strewn about because you figured out you can open doors and Ooooh the utencil drawer a spatula could be a sword if I pretend and there is glitter embedded into the carpet because you can now open containers too and could you hand me the jar of marbles Mom Cuz I just want to dump it out Oh the thrill of dumping a jar of ANYTHING! No I don't want to clean any of it up Ahhhh Mannnn A time out? boo hoo (You are such work little one but how I love you.) ~C

you moved the furniture and I am blind I memorized the original arrangement it is how I knew how to get around (in the dark) and now I am bashing my knees and bruising learning this new way around and through and past obstacles in my new reality forever altered by the changes you made without me ~C

so you're walking and you're walking.... and OH! you meet her and well (you are semi grown up now) and this is different than a fling it just FEELS different it could be the start of something and then it is and it becomes serious I can picture myself with this girl How many kids do you want? and then before you know it a proposal Ahhh she said yes! YES! and then my first house and then kids.... is it stuffy in here? Is that all? Ooooh she's hot! Who is she? You mean I could have waited and been with her? Was I just biding my time with this other life, until I found my REAL one? Moving on.... "up" OUT see ya. ~C

To be SEEN is glorious acknowledged validated adored but when he looks through me or past me with indifference as if I do not exist it burns and part of me tries not to notice and another part withers ~C

My pillows smell like you and I am the only one who knows that no one else could tell and there is something so private about that so intimate and it reminds me of you makes it seem like you are right there next to me again in the dark ~C

When I was in first grade my Mom and Dad separated . We lived in the Bahamas at the time and my Dad was going to be stationed in Hawaii the next year, and me, my brother and my sister would move to Long Island with my Mom and her new Boyfriend Jeff. We lived with Jeff for 6 years I think...my selective memory doesn't allow for specifics, but it was at least that. Jeff became a part of my life, a father figure. I came to expect his presence and know it, and although there was an obvious gap there, because he could never fully love me as his own, He was present, loving, and involved, unlike my own father. Because of this I grew to Love him...count on him too I think. But then they split. After that my Mom dated many a man for a time, my selective mind only flashes with memories of some of them, maybe 5 different guys, but those 5 make an impression because, like with Jeff, I came to love them, expect them to stay, or just wanted them to. My Mom was dating them, but in some ways they ...

I am so fascinated lately with human relationship. It is so strange how fragile relationships can be and how the love seems to fade out with time. The love fades and then people just move on. How can we ever make any sort of guarantee to one another? The possibilities are endless and they swirl about us. There are temptations galore and beyond that we are constantly growing and changing. There was never any promise that we would change together, at the same pace. Life is hard, but sharing our lives with another so intricately complicated person is even harder! Why are we so passionate and loving in the beginning and then it fades to indifference? Why do we get to the point where we don't even speak to each other with love? It is like the more we know about each other we use against each other....we can hurt more deeply and hit below the belt with such accuracy because we KNOW all the weak points, all the vulnerabilities. Why wouldn't that make us love and support each other m...