Ask Yourself

some people think my blog is literal

that what I am writing is what is happening

RIGHT NOW to me

but I draw from everything

from everyone

and sometimes I go back & revisit a time

and how I felt THEN

and sometimes I try to imagine what someone else might be feeling

based on what THEY are going through

I put their situation on

like I am putting on a coat

and it might as well be made of wool

because I can feel how uncomfortable it is

I can feel that it is too tight and constricting

I can see how they would want to take it off as soon as possible...

Since I was pretty young

I realized the concept of working on yourself

of striving to be the best ME

of looking into you and seeing what was going on

good and bad

helpful and hindering

I thought everyone had this awareness

that they were seeing that they were bitter about that

and maybe they should forgive and learn to let go

or that they were awesome at one thing

but that another had a hold over them

that they could see it, but maybe they just were choosing not to go there

but as time went on

I saw that some people couldn't even see their own struggles

or that they were so buried within them,

that they manifested thyself as something else

so self loathing or nonacceptance looks like anger

or feeling trapped looks like depression

sometimes it is a physical manifestation

where our unhappiness only shows on the outside

but to talk to us we seem ok

People are Rubik cubes I tell ya

they are infinitely complex

it is why when we do click with someone on an emotional level

it is so exciting

I am so complex but this person gets me

even people that do not seem complex, are complex

if you have lived long enough, you have a story

and that story is filled with all these choices you've made

but then it is filled with choices of all these other people that effected you

even strangers choices

choices by people you let into the deepest parts of your heart

and maybe the choices those people made, left deep scars....

Some people don't go and look within themselves because they are scared to

they are scared of what they would find

or maybe they already know what they will find so they spend time

making large signs and posting them warning them to KEEP OUT

they spend their time making signs so they can remind themselves why

why going there is not a good idea

better to avoid it at all costs, to go there is an end of their false reality

and they feel the only way to exist is to make that false life their only life

Life has a weird way of making us go there eventually though

as much as we fight it

it finds a way to seek us out

stand right in our path

and look us straight in the eyes

If truth is meant to set us free

why do we not run after the truth

why do we not beg the truth to smash the chains we drag around

why do we not face our truth and then begin our story there?

Instead it is messy and awkward

it is filled with trips and falls

it is 3 steps forward two steps back

a dance that seems to take forever and tires us

but we still learn

it is just so much slower a process

and sometimes we think we have it all together

we think we have it all figured out

we have the talk to back it up

we can point at the things we have and the people we know and say see

see I have it all figured out

and yet people know we don't

they see right through all that stuff

there seems to be this balance

and if you know you haven't got it all figured out

but your open to learning

then you are in a good place

it would help too if you were willing to look in

ask yourself the hard questions that need to be asked

and the trick is

only you know what they are....

~C