waiting to understand

He will give you enough for today and again tomorrow He breathed life into you, gave you that life and He gives that life meaning too and knowing this gives you peace and you do not worry about anything... to fear is to lose time a fish floundering on a hot dry dock that is not His best for you you are more than a fish a fisher of men a man with a purpose a purpose with a prize a prize that is forever growing in the gut of you that gives now AND later that becomes greater and greater with time through learning and growing with Him showing... connecting the dots of your life to prove to you there is a pattern that He is here with you now, for forever and the picture he paints of you evolves as it is painted like a sunset with many facets and faces His ways above our ways and His thoughts... how amazing they must be to have created you. ~C

Through a dessert of unknowing and wondering at everything while waiting for that something I'll know when I feel it like not knowing how soft a thing is until you touch it the difference that comes when viewing a face through a veil of love A face that once, was just a passer by now the dearest thing your eyes could behold... all because of the yes of your heart an acknowledgement of your soul but a decision too, to invest in another to let yourself go, to open up to willingly surrender A fond memory now to this time of stillness where I listen and watch and learn and patiently wonder when I will experience it again and how long it will be not wanting it to feel like an eternity... ~C

here but not here aware but gone too you only have part of me here with you one hand to hold and the other one searching groping for more one eye on you one eye on the door you feel it don't you? that half of me missing that side of me unsatisfied that deep part of me not knowing not knowing if it is you or me not knowing if I'd be happier anywhere but here always asking in my head if I would.... and it is the asking that steals from me from you too because I am here but I am not here and you feel that. ~C

That gnawing that feels like aching like an itch you can never quite scratch someone knocking on the door that has been nailed shut it will not be easily reopened and trying to, will jar him into acknowledgment... or so that is the plan He knew the choice he just made would blow his world apart open wide exposing every part of it like a gaping wound exposing bone there would be no more hiding no more shadows or alley ways no shades of gray to conceal his options there weren't any not any more No turning back no last look that was then and he is living in the now... hands shaking head throbbing the long drawn out painful process of adjusting to the light that some days shines too bright and singes the end of his shame and reminds him of the easy death of sin (that he could still chose to die) and yet it is exhilarating to step out of the darkness new and not tired hopeful and raw stark and fragile and no matter how flawed he is the plans for him ...

He carried lack in his pocket and took it out way too much rolling it over in his hand liking the familiar feel of it no matter how it stole from him even when it always left him wanting and impossible it was not to transfer that lack into the corners of his life and into the open spaces too rubbing it off on the people he loved those people who would also never measure up always the residue of lesser than haunting the places where things are not said but always felt always wondered but never given life or breath.... and what would be the use? For as long as lack has a cozy place in his pocket fulfillment and peace will elude him not able to share the same space. ~C

There was a time when I was the first person you wanted to tell to share your everything with where we meshed together as one couldn't tell where you ended and I had begun and now you hide now you run look me in the eyes and I come undone to see the vacant expression where love once was abound it consumes me the absence of you in a room where your body sits and spends time with me but for a moment before you move past me again and shift your eyes searching for peace anywhere but here and distracted, courted by an artificial high your heart stolen from me how can I compete? It fills the place the absence of who you were to my life a life once was so full of us and you might as well be sailing away forever bidding me goodbye like your actions do every day... ~C

My mind will not stop writing to you even when I will it to seise what to do with these spilling thoughts not shared your ears spared for a decent amount of time an outcome to be determined then... peace in knowing these future words will not fall on deaf ears when they do fall out of my mind so I write them out anyway and wait to share, these letters written in the air. ~C

Let's move to Paris to Portland to Maine Let's sweep that all under the rug better yet, let's pretend it never happened at all. The record is skipping you couldn't tell? Are you listening? Can't you see that the pattern is perpetuating? when will you learn? Not him, YOU Walk your talk hold your ground anything worth YOU is worth standing up for worth the sacrifice of waiting worth walking away from today, (today and all its confusions) Fight in prayer but get out of the ring physically your frustration isn't helping your impatience isn't helping you are going there again... Step away do not put yourself into harms way you are worth more than that You are WORTH it. ~C

I took you personally you were mine for a time (even if you never really were) and that is how I loved you for me, no one else no other options I wanted nothing to escape so to let go to step back has been a long time coming like a closed hand and prying open one finger at a time with resistance and pain too used to holding too used to hoping too used to fighting and waiting for anything that confirmed my standing because it is what I became accustomed to and comfortable with no matter how unsatisfying or draining or discouraging doesn't make it right or the fight worthwhile but anything you believe is worth it becomes so. The mind, a powerful thing emerging from sleep on an overcast day that tries to lull me back to sleep but I will shake it from me and see past the smokescreen see things for other than what they "seem" aware now, I take a sledge hammer to each link of that chain and crush the link between what was and wha...

No matter how far you run you'll always arrive back at you might as well face yourself. ~C

Oh my baby bear with imaginary flowers in your hair with smiles and grace and hope & peace With questioning eyes at those gray gray skies not understanding why every day isn't rainbows and sunshine life is crushing if you let it but in your heart of hearts the reality you've created with your heart is the honest truth The way it was meant to be way way back in history before the world gained control of itself and made a mess of it So hold fast, hold strong to all those beautiful songs that fill your life with all the right words that nourish your imaginings Better to live the dream then open your eyes to anything that will lie to you. ~C

deep in the forest no bearings and I have no breadcrumbs no flares, no spray paint, or florescent tape... nothing to declare that I was here or help me get back back... do I want to go back? and isn't "lost" a relative term? the forest knows where it is. where it stands. but do I? (no) my soul whispers but I am finding out adapting to falling darkness and rising dawn as my days are defined by the level or lack of light and finding new meanings for words, shelter comfort & hunger redefined... Am I comfortable here? How? With these blisters, these twigs in my hair? How is it that I've made a life in here? ~C

Flash moment too little, too late to make it right cannot go back again to take precautions for the first time so BURN baby burn... and what I want to know? Did you learn? ~C

These stops and starts of my heart,   The wandering and searching part,   in-between where there is seemingly no meaning,   is where I dig to know,   to find,   what is lurking in my mind... What is helpful?  What is true? I will find the answers with you.   ~C