For J.B.

That gnawing
that feels like aching
like an itch you can never quite scratch
someone knocking on the door that has been nailed shut
it will not be easily reopened
and trying to, will jar him into acknowledgment...
or so that is the plan

He knew the choice he just made
would blow his world apart
open wide
exposing every part of it
like a gaping wound exposing bone
there would be no more hiding
no more shadows or alley ways
no shades of gray to conceal his options
there weren't any
not any more

No turning back
no last look
that was then
and he is living in the now...
hands shaking
head throbbing
the long drawn out painful process
of adjusting to the light
that some days shines too bright
and singes the end of his shame
and reminds him of the easy death of sin
(that he could still chose to die)
and yet it is exhilarating
to step out of the darkness
new and not tired
hopeful and raw
stark and fragile
and no matter how flawed he is
the plans for him are not...
this new beginning
is from God
and perfect
in it's timing

~C


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me. Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relatio
Read more

and he wonders

from the backseat I hear a little voice ask "Mommy what is your name?" It is so neat that he wonders this out of the blue... "Christie" I say "Oh, Christie, I like that name" "Thanks Bud, I like your name too!" "Daddy and I got to pick your name!" So for the first time this little man who is so grown up already says my name calls me something other than Mommy and the significance of that hangs in the air my baby becomes a boy in that moment. ~C
Read more

Too Much Reality

My care bear optimism has been scattered, in some ways torn apart. torn apart by reality... the illusion of so much good...trampled upon by what we are all capable of. Miss goody two shoes runs from alcohol and drugs and runs smack into divorce.... because we all have lessons to learn, reasons we need to grow and stretch ourselves.... and we all struggle from SOMETHING. My vice is my own, and yours, is yours....and maybe we will conquer what gets the better of us time and time again, but maybe we won't. But it is the journey, right? The destination of Heaven will not change for me, so why am I ever intimidated with falling on my face? Jesus knows what that felt like and he picked himself up again.... and that is what I will do, as I pray that this cynicism that creeps upon me from time to time, doesn't wrap me in it's vice like grip and whisper to me about all the hate in the world. The hate and the loss and the broken hearts, the death and struggling that keeps us from ou
Read more