Wednesday, July 29

To Answer A Question

Question: Do I see each day as a day older, or as a new beginning?

Neither. I have always marveled at the saying..live each day as if it was your last..How could you possibly do that without feeling too much drama and pressure in that saying? I understand the concept, don't get me wrong...I just think we THINK we know what we'd do if faced with death and it is not necessarily what we think it is....we don't live it in the way that saying portrays....or at least my Mom didn't (couldn't). Everything is about circumstances, how they affect us and what attitude we choose to bring to those circumstances. I'll be honest and say that at the core of me I am optimistic and hopeful, but over that there is a layer that wavers. A layer I have to convince and keep connected to God, I guess it is the human layer. I know what I believe to be true in my spirit because God has made that a very real reality, but the human part of me struggles to keep the windshield clean. I am not freaking out about this constant cleaning process, because I know it is totally natural, but sometimes I get weary in the washing.

The point of rambling on like this is to communicate where I am coming from as I consider the question.....

To see each day as one day older, I would be focusing on loss, and to see each day as a new beginning seems too dramatic, like I am being born again each day or bursting with adventure for each new day. That would be great and all, but I think it is unrealistic and I rather not live jaded thinking I will always be up, always be entertained....the balance of the two is what can make every day significant. The bad just makes the good that much better, it enables us to value and appreciate what we DO have, what we ARE capable of, and recognize clearly how God INTENDED for us to be. So I would say I see each day as a chance to evolve and grow, to make a difference, to temper myself more, to be more giving, to be more patient with myself, others and life, to not lament on those things that hold me back or worry about anything because I know God has it covered. Each day is another day. ha ha...WHAT that day holds is up to YOU, that is what makes it so powerful....I have just come to realize that some days I am going to struggle through and others I will feel exhilarated and like I am fully LIVING, I am honest and open enough now to realize there will be both, and I am accepting of that. I fight back cynicism these days and I fight for the truth God reveals to me. I take one day at a time, as God meant for me to, and I look for the beauty there, and try to seek the meaning behind the parts of the day that trip me up. If I bring those to God and have him show me what they mean, where I am struggling and I listen for his answer....and then I take that answer and actively apply it to my spirit....how could tomorrow not be even better in some small way?

The most powerful feeling I feel toward this question is a surrender and a resignation at the same time. Kind of what a SIGH conveys...both a good and a bad sigh. If it was a scene in nature, it would be the full process of the changing of leaves in Montana, from green to vibrant Yellows, Oranges and Reds, to them raining down and creating an awesome carpet of color....to nakedness and void of color. If it were a scene it would be a sunrise...the way the dawn is as fascinating as the sunset, but in completely different ways, and how the height of the afternoon offers clear possibilities and exposes everything to sunlight, and how late afternoon creates shade to rest in...If this feeling were a song it would be (Nichole Nordeman) - Every Season.

Sometimes I laugh at myself because there is no simple answer that comes to my mind...In the way you are always seeking information and new fact and discoveries, is the way I view my mind and contemplate things. Like turning something over and over and studying it in my mind until I derive at a conclusion I can live with, hopefully one that is the most correct! :)

I could fight how I am, and try to simplify everything and how I process it, but then I wouldn't be being ME, being how God intricately designed me...so I feel understanding of what I wrote...I feel like I conveyed how I feel precisely.

~C

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