Revelation of my Rejection

Wow...You spoke to my heart today about the rejection I have experienced in my life God. You showed me how it is connected to initiating things in my life...Initiating planning for things or initiating get-togethers with friends, even initiating sex. You showed me how if I do not initiate, then I cannot be turned down, and if I cannot be turned down...it will not lead to rejection.

Then you took me back to being married and reminded me of the times I had initiated sex and was turned down....ouch that wounded me, and then you showed me how I took a step back, almost unconsciously and resigned to waiting until I was pursued, I told myself that the only control I had was my "yes". I became very good at saying yes, and I stopped initiating. In this way I would protect myself from rejection and I would protect my sensitive heart. I also set myself up to be content with waiting, and less prone to action....and although this waiting attribute can be a good thing like with having patience, it is not good when I stop going after what I want and really owning a decision and going for it. It is like taking the backseat so you will be less likely to be asked to participate, but always willing to participate if asked. To be laid back is great as long as it doesn't spill over into being complacent, and not taking initiative in walking what you have for me God.

I know you want me to realize this now so I can understand it, so I can heal an old wounding and not live it out as a truth in my life today. I will not continue to be shackled to the idea that I am rejected, that I am not wanted or not important. That is not something that you ever spoke into existence about me Lord and I will not embrace it. It is so subtle and slow the decisions we make and how they stick. We incorporate them effortlessly into our identity and let them cripple us without even being slightly aware! The whisper says I am protecting myself....but the whisper is fear based because I am afraid of being rejected! The whisper is not of you.

It is funny how you used a simple cancelled appointment with a friend and the hurt I felt today to teach me a truth behind that hurt. Like turning something over and over in my hand, you showed me where I was wounded in this area from the past and how to heal it today. How something that feels like a simple annoyance has a much deeper root that leads to true pain. So that if we try to pull up the weed, for a time it looks better, it appears to be gone....and then it grows back and resurfaces in another way later....we never addressed the ROOT of it, the true pain where the annoyance grew from again and again. There is no temporary fix for our wounds. You want to take us into them and deal with it in a proactive way because You know it keeps us from our very best.

I love your approach with me, your patience with me and your perfect timing. I am in awe at how sweet and loving you are....and I am empowered with the fact that you don't want me to stay here....exactly the same, in the same place, ever....but always grow, and learn and reach out for more of Your truth and love.

You touch my heart and as I grow and seek you I am so aware that you never let me down and you never run out of creative ways to show me you love me and that you care.
Thank you God

~C

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