waiting to understand

you have no idea how much Mommy loves you because no matter how many times I tell you, within your lifetime (even if it is million-kazillion times) it could never convey what I feel in my heart when I look at you smile or hear you say my Mommy name Oh how I love you! ~C

resisting a change caught off guard feeling completely unprepared to face the opposite of my dreams the one thing unwanted.... why does it seem that the worst we can think of, the thing we DO NOT want comes after us? Do we know before hand? on some very intimate level? and if you have no deep fears then can they not follow you? ~C

the avocado seed sits in the window in a small dish of water suspended by toothpicks and from the top you can not tell it is growing but if you lift it out of the water and turn it over it has a strong root and the seed has split in this v-like shape from below but like I said from the top you cannot even tell that it is growing... it is an awesome analogy for me right now I feel like I am growing in a way and working through something that you can not yet see the results of YET ~C

honestly, I couldn't even go there if I did, I risked shattering emotionally into a thousand million pieces so I stayed semi-numb and in vague denial until I couldn't avoid it anymore until the truth was so clear that I couldn't breathe until I had to put the car over because my legs went to rubber and I couldn't feel the pedals it is like suddenly not knowing which way is up the moment you realize that reality cannot be avoided any more but I did not shatter I cried and my heart sunk to my very feet and my whole life flashed before my eyes but I did not shatter I did not shatter and the surprise of that is what gave me just enough hope to will myself to take just one more step and then one more step toward a new unknown life and even though fear and loss crippled me making it nearly impossible to drag my feet forward I was able to to get there (whether I wanted to go there or not) I was facing the horror of my life dead in the eye and I did not die ~C

you are... accepted loved cherished appreciated beautiful wonderful delightful purposed inspiring fruitful sweet valued important special irreplaceable perfect just the way you are! ~C

closed out of business unavailable nothing to give vacant lacking hurting lost despondent blank unwilling unknowing searching dehydrated eyes closed shut off under construction careful falling rocks! ~C

where I have the choice to say something but I don't have to where I can hear myself think or where I do not have to think at all and then it gets really quiet there within the quiet I can look within and see what is going on with me in the silence God speaks and I can hear him helping me loving me encouraging me urging me to do His will inviting me on the adventure He wants to have with me ~C

Have you noticed lately how so many songs have come out telling you how beautiful you are? All radio stations too not just Christian Don't you know that it is God loving on you? through these writers these singers passing over air waves and speaking right to your heart because we all want to hear it we all are seeking to feel special accepted LOVED and appreciated in this life seeking out someone to tell us so and God is saying what you need to hear CONSTANTLY ~C

We are all flawed we will never achieve perfection say it with me "I will never achieve perfection" doesn't that kind of take a load off? (exhale deeply) I think we all are subconsciously striving for that hard on ourselves picking at ourselves IF ONLY we say If I just had this or didn't have that physically, materially, mentally, spiritually.... and we do it with other people too If I could combine her compassion with that other girls sense of style and yet another girls awesome looks she would be the perfect girlfriend.... but here is the thing we are all flawed for a reason! every one of us! So we need to stop daydreaming of creation we were created to be exactly who we are the way we are can we just try to relax in that? Just accept ourselves Just BE? Why is it so hard? God designed you for a distinct purpose you are the hand maybe I am the foot yet another person is the elbow or maybe we are each just one of the nerve endings! our purpose is very specific and we ...

time time time s l o w and d r a w n o u t by design the more that happens the more you learn that you WILL get through more chaos? you emerge more mellow even if it makes you worse first even if you don't see the way out at the time life is about holding on about learning if you are willing about listening to people much wiser than you and there is nothing more precious than friendship unwarranted that is offered despite who you are and love that never came at a cost and being loved as YOU ~C

you broke your sisters bed tonight tried to hang from the headboard and snap & there is red sharpie written across the side of my white upholstered bed & a star burst in the flat screen TV where you threw a nice shooter marble & orange and blue nail polish on the doorway mouldings and I will admit I thought "go gators!" before I got the nail polish remover and had you help me rub it off & scribblings on walls and every time I ask "what is the only thing we right on?" you always score an A on your answer "paper" & then there is the mystery sink incident a crack running 3 ways into the porcelain I did not see you do it but you have a way of "rearranging things" now don't you? but gosh we'll get through this & I love you kid :) ~C

my feelings lost in translation sometimes I even go blank from the pressure of saying something interesting something important it hovers over me and I choke on it the silence is forever now you have had nothing to say for years why do I try to work with that? why can't I just let go? just BE really truly surrender completely.... I have tried not to care but I am a care bear it is unnatural and it isn't uncaring that I am aiming for it is confidence confidence in God in me PEACE in not having to talk or anything and patience, with the process every new day brings NEWNESS I am not being redundant I am emphasizing you open your eyes to a brand new day and maybe you don't even get a glimpse of yesterday yea! He has a portion for NOW not then and not when.... so stay awake so hold on so breathe deep the contractions of life pass too and there will be a day that you cannot remember your pain a day filled with HOPE your mind renewed ~C

the same size as me her yarn red hair her stitched black eyes and her big red heart the parts of her that I remember the most when I slept I would straddle her, the feel of her fabric skin memorized by little finger tips my stuffed friend who sat by silently watching my life go by and now she is under my daughters bed silently wondering where the love went ~C

defensive why? because you fear why? because of the loss... you can't stand to lose anymore you are not sure what would be left of you then but no need to defend surrender more trust more trust God has it all under control everything is as it should be everything is going according to plan don't doubt or sulk or wallow where you know no one will find you that is nonconstructive and it is hiding share without dumping be, without feeling you have to say anything float around and smell like marshmallows and convey love and smile, even if it hurts, smile. ~C

thrown away discarded not needed unimportant not wanted insignificant turned away from left abandoned rejected changed my mind dejected love lost diminished luster gone goodbye moving on ~C

If I could carry some of the baggage you have don't you know I would? to see you carry it all on your own.... I am helpless & hurting watching you watching you becoming fatigued suffering straggling behind disoriented and confused but God told me a long time ago that He is the only one that truly saves that I was just in the way... and I believe Him so I do what I can I lift you up in prayer I help where I can I love you Dear ~C

ten thousand cries that sound like lies creep up from within your wounded soul they call to remind you they shout to distract and they are relentless to keep you off track from whispers to screaming it is altogether dreaming a nightmare never intended for you spiritual reality is knocking trying to wake you redirect you are you listening through? isolate the life line seek out the voice of life that never sleeps that is always awake pursuing you with rope to pull you out if only you would look up ~C