Hope

honestly, I couldn't even go there

if I did, I risked shattering emotionally

into a thousand million pieces

so I stayed semi-numb

and in vague denial

until I couldn't avoid it anymore

until the truth was so clear that I couldn't breathe

until I had to put the car over because my legs went to rubber

and I couldn't feel the pedals

it is like suddenly not knowing which way is up

the moment you realize that reality cannot be avoided

any

but I did not shatter

I cried

and my heart sunk to my very feet

and my whole life flashed before my eyes

but I did not shatter

I did not shatter

and the surprise of that

is what gave me just enough hope

to will myself to take just one more step

and then one more step

toward a new unknown life

and even though fear and loss crippled me

making it nearly impossible to drag my feet forward

I was able to to get there

(whether I wanted to go there or not)

I was facing the horror of my life

dead in the eye

and I did not die

waiting to understand