Finding Balance

I was in a funk the other day
It didn't feel like I wanted to cry but like my body did. Like I had this heavy damp coat on
that I couldn't shrug off. There is insight to this too, because it was a clue to tell me my issue was literally WITH my body, and I think that is why my mind was having trouble discerning what was wrong.

I laid in bed in the dark and asked God to reveal what was going on. 
and then it came to me....An old wound with strings coming out of it, attached to different aspects of my life concerning the same issue. Working out-connected to a feeling of conditional love-connected to a subconscious stubbornness-connected to a false feeling of control-That makes me a stubborn mule with my hooves dug into the ground. "I am not budging....the more you want it, the more I am not going there. " is what I might as well have said.

A subconscious link to acceptance-tied to rejection-tied to body weight, or image....
If love is not unconditional, it is conditional and conditional love hinges upon your ability to deliver, and if you cannot deliver, then you won't be loved, and around and around it goes.

But I don't want to ride that Merry-Go Round, so I plant my feet and being stubborn, think that I have fooled the process, and yet like reverse psychology the devil is getting me to do exactly what he wants. He is stealing from my life either way. 
To be stubborn and hold back from working out steals from me, my health, my comfort, my confidence, my energy....he convinced me that by standing still I would deny the conditional love from stealing from me, when really I am denying myself health and prosperity concerning my own body.

Physical Idols are everywhere and if your priority is to your body above all else....well then, as an example, you build a case to convince me (through your actions) that I do not want to be like you. 
I see this red flag waving that boldly declares a warning : Do not be like him, this person who puts body before anything, this person that is so consumed! 

So I use that too to justify standing still

A positive turned negative, like every good thing done in moderation is suddenly tainted by becoming an obsession, where the once normal act of riding, is now riding you. 
There is such a fine line between the two
a moment where enough is not enough anymore, and where more isn't satisfying.
Carried away by your own current, like you got the ball rolling until it picked up such momentum 
that you are running for your life and you mistake the adrenaline rush from trying to stay alive for exhilaration. 

Balance comes from neither digging my heels in to stand still in stubbornness
nor from running for my life
It is somewhere in-between where my actions are not based on anyone's approval of me.

~C

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