waiting to understand

You taught me not to trust you actions betraying words promises when arrived at discovered to be abandoned a crying wolf story comes to life and now when you cry I wonder at the water I once called tears. ~C

Will there never not be tension this taught rope of unfinished business this cyclone of sucking air that does not allow anything to be still the droning roar that drowns out the words I need you to say and the debris in the air that distracts you from seeing my tears and then also a frozen place where everyone stands scared and dazed wondering at what was and could have been stuck and at the same time going through motions that look like moving on But stick me in a room with you and it all flies back in might as well be a flock of black crows squawking rushing in on a cold northern wind filling the room with high pitched cackling and mocking our attempts at making a way past or through it doesn't matter much which No matter the damage or how much I try to muddle it or reason about how there is no trust in it the road just seems to be leading back to you. ~C

The hoper wants to hope the dreamer wants to dream resisting logic and scrunching their noses up at reality avoiding despair giving things wings that do not know how to fly and even at the expense of confusing their own hearts they press on hoping & dreaming thriving in an existence hidden from most eluding even them. ~C

Cleaning tip to apply to life: "Sometimes you even have to vacuum the vacuum" Be careful of what you choose to suck up!! ~C

We are all F L A W E D you can either let that depress you or motivate you to C H A N G E ~C

Trust yourself your instincts your intuition you know the Holy Spirit speaks to your heart in a powerful whisper that was designed to protect you The Voice that teaches urges you patiently in love towards your best, even when it doesn't make "sense" that finds a way to expose everything to God's awesome light His wisdom His justice His good... all that good that He has to give to YOU... won't you listen? ~C

I like to find songs that speak to me whose lyrics heal me and then I like to pretend you dedicated the words it puts me on the path to forgiving even if all that energy starts and ends with me I know best what my heart needs and I do not hesitate to give ~C

Drawn beyond logic toward the sun where I have been burned before where I was blinded by love and now a pain induced reality has executed and replaced the dreaming side of me that side that fantasized about an ordinary life where nothing tragic happened and a family honored each other in love my deluded thinking, assuming a simple dream would not attract devastation My life is a tattered quilt each patch a beautiful section of color full of hope but slashed with time torn by people pulling their own way or leaving this earth all together why am I being left behind in too many ways? patching my quilt picking up the pieces and making something new from my broken dreams and my shattered past But new just magnifies the old and my head says one thing and my heart argues you can make anything look good dress it up but there is nothing like the natural beauty of things the raw unrealistic yearnings of your heart drawing you back into the sun where the fami...

forgive me forgive me forgive me for being a bumbling human the kind who doesn't know how to express her heart or say goodbye without screwing it up how do you stand before a beautiful wall and take a hammer to it? Tear down something you helped to build something you love...? Loving comes easily to me it is when it unravels that I don't know what to do I am more concerned with staying calm than with taking a stand or telling someone they crossed a line for me my nature to step back rather than put my hand up Sassy to me always translated as bitchy and I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be but to be assertive and up front....I know it would help but I don't know if I have it in me & that will cost me In these times where I louse it up where I let go, one ribbon at a time, in my head but I don't tell you that until the end and I run because looking you in the eyes would rip my guts out I'd look at you with frozen lips and conc...

I stand in the corner of my heart and I asses the damage from there the losses the gains and the countless fluctuations and I wonder at the scars I am amazed at it's size I am sure you can see the tears in my eyes I own my heart but I rarely go in and wonder at it but I fail to treat it like an old friend sometimes I even avoid it completely and throw caution to the wind better to chance the break than never really live.... right? Risking the condition of my own heart doesn't rattle me as much as risking yours I step forward and enter in and it is as if I expose you open your chest up and pour my love right in and love does take prisoners it will lock you right up until your filled from it or it begins to cause fractures... so at first an individual decision and then a mutual leap an investment of time and mileage of energy and so much love to regret what you take away from what we had is to deny the love that truly WAS is to say it wasn...

I'll miss you already even before you have to go even before the goodbyes are said and I've held you but you know and you say it too without saying anything at all time slows and then stops and we hang here in mid air wondering if our memories will live on for a lifetime even if we don't don't walk the future out together. ~C

Sigh Sigh Sigh cry cry cry why? why? why? Oh me, Oh my..... Bye & Bye I wish I may I wish I might go fly a kite just take a bite I don't want to fight goodnight ~C

Considerate to a fault where I bypass me to accommodate you If weighed your feelings would always have more value than mine selflessness is grand until you lose yourself in it until the blinders on the sides of your eyes keep you from being self aware Your wants your desires your interests your values they make up who you are to ignore them for the sake of loving someone is to admit that they fell in love with a chameleon someone who adapts instead of someone who IS Who am I? What do I want? What am I about? and why do I turn the music down when all I want to do is dance? ~C

Throughout most of my life I know that I know even when I don't want to know because once I do It rocks what is or shakes it up or changes it and sometimes I just want to float down the river and bask in the sun and spend my time dreaming and wondering at the beauty God's spun But He allows it to change like the seasons turn showing me that underneath it all my seams have come undone and everything I try to put together out of my own power and strength has no backing and no substance without His consequence His influence it is like building my life on sand striving and trying to do what He can do in a wave of His hand And I resist change when I can see it coming one little hint at a time and no preparing comforts the leap the going, when He asks I know that I know that I need to walk away but I stay anyway, till I can't My own ways not His best ways and I know it... it's not chance. ~C