waiting to understand

Addiction is a crazy thing that causes suffering that pulls you down then holds you down until you stop resisting It seems like it adds while it takes away and by the time you realize what is going on it is too late you are hooked line and sinker you're hooked in a way that only something drastic will enable you to get away It steals from you and robs you blind and leaves you stumbling always searching to find.... peace and balance eluding you always just beyond reach and that voice that calls you back into darkness again says "it's not everything its cracked up to be" The fight, is a fight for all of you the fight only you can win don't let just getting by be enough for you don't let satan pin you to the mat and get the best of you you are so much better than that ~C

I do not want to say or do anything that confirms the lies you believe about you I do not want to think or feel the wanting for the thing that does not lead me back to you I don't want to keep making choices that prove to you I don't really love you I do not want to do the thing that I do not want to do.... So it is when I find myself walking in that direction that I pause that I wait willing myself to remember the goal the dream 40,000 key locks on one gate... that I put there myself to stop me from going in from going there again and sabotaging the life God destined for me, And then I turn and I run the other way away from what takes away away from the thing I always perceived as giving to me the getting...never a gain never worth the loss, the cost.... never worth losing us for never worth losing me for. ~C

A decision to love yourself to put YOU first instead of waiting for leftovers or being the leftovers or letting the leftovers of your heart choose for you I have this uncanny way of waiting for something like I am eternally at a bus stop and I have grown accustomed with not going anywhere as if I am waiting for someone to walk up and hand me a ticket where THEY think I should go But I know me I know what I like and what I don't and I have ideas of where I'd like to go.... the tricky part is the "here to there" part the puzzling thing is that I rather spend my time dreaming and not all the time GOING and then I feel like a loser for not going and then I just get sad and so on and so on Choosing change has to do with just doing it with accomplishing something little and then something more building something and believing in yourself, that it is within your capacity Believing God has an adventure past your doorstep if you are just willi...

On the outside, it's where you wear your inside and you cannot hide no matter how many layers you wear or try to distract as you accessorize.... what gives you away is that you are uncomfortable you shift and you straighten but your pants don't fit and in your heart you feel you just don't fit in not in your clothes or in with your friends or in your life like they cast the wrong body to play your body. Inside there is a woman dying to be lived out that looks nothing like you who is not self conscious or stressed who walks with a little self confidence and she is thinking of you as much as you are thinking of who you could be if you put in the effort. Letting your outside meet with your inside where your thoughts become actions and actions fuel goals and by putting one foot after the other and running the miles it takes to reach her, reach you. When you are determined and when your inside and your outside become so similar the success is...

This deep deep truth a rooted knowing that to pray for you would free me to pray for you would stop opening this old wound again and again would take the sting from my memories would break chains and allow me to really breathe again because in my spiritual life I am holding my breath unable to really move forward choking on the pain and the hurt and the loss and the anger all vines, wound too tight around my heart a constant string around my finger a reminder to forgive you to let you go from this cage where I have locked you up for hurting me and paced in front of it for what feels like decades nothing good comes from holding you there because sadly it holds ME there so I end up dwelling in a place I never wanted lurking in a past that keeps me hurting...wallowing like trying to hold a crow that keeps pecking your hand why would you let it make wounds when you could release it? Oh wretched heart that doesn't know what to do that doesn'...

Bright blond hair blue eyes and fair but tan in summer if you must know your share of random personal facts and She cares too much and she cannot be convinced that she should watch the news (truth can't be minced) and you can woo her with lies because she knows the things she likes to hear but she can see it in your eyes if you really love, if she is dear She likes to collect nudes but is too shy to be naked, listens to the roar of the ocean and wonders at how it never stops and never tires... She watches her children sleep and then takes countless pictures from all angles and stays up far too late writing these words copied from handwritten pages. ~C

Chances squandered opportunities lost like potential trapped within you bored with the waiting wondering if it will ever be never being able to breathe or step outside of you to see it's reality it's possibility This dream you think of everyday but never allow to come out to play That lurks in the shadows of who you could be and plays peek a boo with all that you "should" be Two voices war... one wanting the best for you The other trying to get the best OF you, that voice is trying to waste time to distract you to get you to burn out And the other, that one that wants the best it fights for NOW for you to take the steps now that will open the doors of later that will open the windows that let all the light in that will shine all over your future And you get to decide who wins out you get to foster hope or retire to sighing you get to dig deep and push or watch it slip away from you from a distance That lady that started as the s...