waiting to understand

God knows we are getting there one step every day winding through a twisted path wandering sometimes far away His nature to be close to us close enough to feel our breath and sometimes he settles for a shout through a fog for an after thought for a glance back as we walk our own way He is not offended only grieved your free will (the gift He died for) is yours and if you choose Him He wants it free and clear not through pressure or fear So He waits with open arms and with a bursting heart with a love you've never known with a love that even understands your wandering and when you are ready when you've figured it out the hard way that there is no real life without Him He will welcome you into open arms and won't mention before. ~C 1/3/13

What is harder than standing up for what you believe in when it doesn't allow you to continue in love? Forced to make a decision based on another persons poor decision We effect each other loves makes us one your decision is mine and mine are yours one wrong move and the house of cards we built together comes tumbling down You taught me not to trust you showed me that when I wasn't looking you would make decisions that I would not recognize even if I saw them with my own eyes So if I am with a mere version of who you are which is he? Jeckyl or Hyde? and why would I wait to find out? why would I gamble and wait for more lies? Oh this fleeting life we are but a vapor and then we are gone.... to NOT honor each other in the little time we are allotted is unthinkable and true love unreachable if we cannot first slay our own dragons and protect the one we love from the parts of us that want to destroy us.... The fight is a personal one first before w...

My childhood memories are like snapshots or slides with no sound there are tastes and sensations but like watching an old soundless home movie you are relying on other stimulation and maybe what you are seeing in your minds eye is heightened with remembering the mute button causing you to intently take it all in.... my earliest memories, besides the very VERY first one where Grandma Jodie has me seated on top of the counter in her kitchen she is making me a sandwich and is asking me if I want mint jelly want what? and then she lets me taste it and just like that no more memory.... Cut to the Bahamas is it years later, and how could that be? But I am in Kindergarten, on an island in confined paradise a world contained only by proximity in my heart it is boundless and wild and interesting always... I remember the Junkanu band on early mornings having their own tribal parade that for them must be like their church and I wonder at how fun it seems, and now as an...

I am not easy to love did I say I would be? not that I am unloveable no but that I am hard to hold like fireflies I was not meant for a jar to be contained or defined the moment you categorize me the magic is lost I am not easy to love but I do not mean in the convential way or maybe I do I can make a home but cooking and cleaning only take 2 stars but I make up for all that with kisses and cards I am not easy to love because I have traveled a road paved with much loss and muddled with trust broken and mared with my own wary need to make sure I do not expose all of me to such harshness in the future for my own self preservation this makes me difficult to love.... just try to get through my exterior wall of protection.... I am not easy to love because I need to evolve and grow constantly and I need you to be consistant in your love, patiently but be unpredictible with your personal adventure so you are surprising me with your ideas and dreams I want ...

Being 40 is bizarre, but only because it seems like life is happening faster than I can catch up to it at this point. My gauge is the people who I went to high school with or knew as a kid. I see their faces changing on facebook and I know I must be evolving in front of them in the same way. It is easier to avoid the changes happening in your own body because I am not standing around looking in a mirror all day....on purpose! Ha. 40 is putting on moisturizer every morning after your shower, its wearing glasses for the first time while reading because "WOW is that so much clearer!!!" Its not taking things as seriously and taking other things very seriously because you've arrived at this point in your life where drama doesnt have a place and life is too short to waste on the negative weighing you down. 40 is watching all of the great comedians and actors you grew up loving trasition to heaven, Its knowing in your gut that you will blink and you will be the grandparent. I ...

I used to have this thing about jobs If in about 3 years I did not evolve or advance in more ways than one I would find a new job most times a completely different job and then I would come alive again I am wondering if this is how my relationships are playing out now the three year itch where I calculate how much evolution is going on within me around me upon me All these stops and starts two steps forward two steps back the wrong kind of two step when I wish to be twirling If I am not advancing not discovering... (and not in a pushing hurrying sort of way either...) more so, am I elated about anything? am I FEELING it? am I growing mentally expanding spiritually, mastering the art of self discipline and shrinking physically? am I surprising myself and creating? If I get to a slow crawl in my spirit or even worse I start sliding backwards if the water is stagnant and I feel confined or agitated held back or chastised it is doom for me I can feel...

There is a kind of saving up that will never pay out Like the hoarding of metal Hours of collecting until it is a big ugly rusty heap and you'll go to cash in the whole lot and it wont be worth one hours work let alone all that space you gave up and the eyesore it created to keep it So why do you do it? and keep justifing that it was free? when the time you invested into it doesnt justify your energy? Like a bad relationship that subtracts and takes away over time there is less and less of you able to give because you spent all that time enduring Putting up with lesser than will drain you of what you are able to give will rob you of time that could be spent building an empire of good able to benefit a multitude Fine tune and prioritize, clean house and sweep it out discover treasure you did not even know you had while keeping only what creates delight  Use your time wisely, for it is fleeting No messes and drama , for they steal precious momen...

Christmastime is always bright and beautiful twinkling lights and christmas songs... crisp air and cozy covers performances and snuggles but no matter how distracted I get by the hussle and bustle the tears, are right there A momentary shift in thoughts comes resting upon you all that you were all that you made Christmas to be and I am flooded with how big your absence is how the specialness of you is not surrounding me New memories are made even though you are gone by lives that you made possible just by being here before Creating a magic that left a lasting glow creating a love that continues to show through the love I am able to give still an extension of your love a legacy that is sustained because the roots were deep the impression firmly made a snowflake flurry of wonderful images of you in my brain Christmastime will forever be bittersweet knowing it was your favorite and a time that you showered your love and delight on everyone but not being able...