Broken Trust

What is harder than standing up for what you believe in
when it doesn't allow you to continue in love?
Forced to make a decision based on another persons poor decision

We effect each other
loves makes us one
your decision is mine
and mine are yours
one wrong move
and the house of cards we built together
comes tumbling down

You taught me not to trust you
showed me that when I wasn't looking
you would make decisions that I would not recognize
even if I saw them with my own eyes

So if I am with a mere version of who you are
which is he? Jeckyl or Hyde?
and why would I wait to find out?
why would I gamble and wait for more lies?

Oh this fleeting life
we are but a vapor
and then we are gone....
to NOT honor each other
in the little time we are allotted
is unthinkable
and true love unreachable
if we cannot first slay our own dragons
and protect the one we love from the parts of us
that want to destroy us....

The fight is a personal one first
before we can fight for another,
don't we first have to actually belong to ourselves?
what do I have to offer you,
if I do not first own myself,
my decisions and actions,
my thoughts and my fears?

If I cannot control the desires that will directly effect you
and our lives together,
then we are never cohesive
and the angle is selfish from the start
driven from a place of survival,
because you are convinced you need that thing

That thing that calls to you
again and again
and it feeds you
a specific kind of food that causes a specific kind of craving
that forges a very fine tuned need

And that need owns you
it crowds out everything else in your life
until you are alone
and Satan loves you alone
defenseless
putty in his hand

But you know the truth don't you?
that flickering light of truth
that burns in your heart
that will not go out
as long as Jesus is on your lips
as long as you spend time on your knees
in the great fight of your life with your prayers
the fight for YOU
the fight for a chance at the life He meant for you
the life far better than the one that is tossing you now
the life that has you reaching and grasping for
but never holding....

His way is better
His path effortless in a way you do not yet know
the way you cannot know
until you reset
until you let go.

~C

11/24/13




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