The way of Love lately

I used to have this thing about jobs
If in about 3 years I did not evolve or advance
in more ways than one
I would find a new job
most times a completely different job
and then I would come alive again

I am wondering if this is how my relationships are playing out now
the three year itch
where I calculate how much evolution is going on within me
around me
upon me

All these stops and starts
two steps forward
two steps back
the wrong kind of two step
when I wish to be twirling

If I am not advancing
not discovering...
(and not in a pushing
hurrying sort of way either...)
more so,
am I elated about anything?
am I FEELING it?

am I growing mentally
expanding spiritually,
mastering the art of self discipline and shrinking physically?
am I surprising myself
and creating?

If I get to a slow crawl in my spirit
or even worse I start sliding backwards
if the water is stagnant
and I feel confined or agitated
held back or chastised
it is doom for me

I can feel myself withering
a kind of dying
and I can justify it as selflessness or tolerance or
an ability to absorb and adapt...
but then the imbalance happens
and my focus slides to the negative automatically
and I doubt and I worry for the collective futures being threatened by us both
EVEN if my nature is positive
like an incessant buzzing from the radio while your most favorite number one hit is playing...

and do not doubt if I truly love,
not for one minute,
one second.

I give you my heart
even if I have to wrestle it back later
for fear it will stop ticking.

see I love you,
but to survive I have to love me better.

~C

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