waiting to understand

Seeking instead of relishing relishing in the NOW, in what now has to offer you... wasting the day remembering or looking so far ahead, that you trip and fall, on your face, in the mud! Ah to be content, in myself TODAY! to accept the ME God created me to be! Why do I have to remind myself so often?? Isn't it so amazing to think of how many sperm were in that one shot...( OK gross maybe if you think too long on it and recognize that that was the very beginning of your existence ) but REALLY, out of all those sperm, YOU were the one that made it! Or half of you was...the other half of you resided in the egg, but let's not get distracted by a tangent of specifics! Let's focus on the MIRACLE!! So you made it! You beat the odds! What was it, 20,000 to One? (Do I have to google the answer and get an exact average #, because I am too immature for that....it will just send me back to sex ed class, and to how HILARIOUS it was for me. I am so immature....) So you won the lottery o...

It seems like I am waiting for you to reach out, but if it isn't there, it isn't there, is it? It cannot work otherwise, and the fleeting times you do initiate burn bright red and linger in their rarity , a heightened moment of clarity that has me mouthing the words..."only if" Only if, he did this constantly... OK then, consistently . I want to be with someone who reaches for me. Who wants to want to reach for me. but in the waiting I am learning to be fulfilled by God, and be resolute in his Love, so I am not endlessly looking for validation and affection, tossed by emotion, while I wait to experience it all again. What's to say it won't all happen again if we try for it, like an endless tide pattern of low tide/ high tide.... I cannot function under the whims of the tide anymore, I am incapable now. I feel like I am building up the nerve to strike out on my own, in my own way, on my own terms and I am preparing to say no, no that is not enough....and no I...

memories stained with heartache love sent out... return to sender mixed with love divine when "just right" "just right", no rhyme or reason like seasons change before you know it, so suddenly fortune or ruin so white and then.... pale grey like a morning that lulls you back into sleeping or a separateness that comes creeping the waterfall of love falls hard on rocks that both delight in the pounding water and can feel nothing at any moment and I am weeping at the loss of you and the sometimes love that you were keeping for me ~C

What could you do with sixteen years? How much could you love me in them? How many kisses? How many hugs? How many ways....love conveyed? How many days did you wonder why you picked a girl like me? But then how many days were you glad? Which thought outweighed the other? Taken for granted many times over beauty and light and love fortune sought elsewhere in anything....satisfactory....for a time while love sat and waited for you to discover it again in some new light, from some new angle Somewhere in those haunting green eyes lurks the memory of the man who delighted in me once and in an isolated moment all circumstances dim and I feel myself drawn to him like yesterday just yesterday ~C

drawn might as well be drawn and quartered on this road of love I have stumbled with bloody knees heart pierced and bleeding never understanding always wondering what went missing for you wishy washy love sloshing messy and undirected diluted and DISTRACTED but hauntingly good while it lasted for a time until I stumbled and fell again in the loss of your attention ~C

fly like a bird to find it open the cage you put yourself in and allow yourself to know yourself deeply and then we'll see if your heart belongs to me we'll see ~C

I was writing one night....pleading to God and I asked: God help me to visualize a resurrection from this death a flower blooming from manure a new life from your breath because all I can see out before me is questionable, rickety at best and the promise of something beautiful has doubt perched deep in my chest Give me your eyes to see beauty in the ash the enemy's fire has left I cannot find the bud forming I cannot see it finding me yet Hope won't elude me, but I dodge it not wanting to feel pain ever again not wanting to feel the rejection that haunts my heart, digging in Renew again my understanding of the truth you do not hide from me and bring it out into the open, right before me undeniably understandable to me so I might not waver in my path straight for you straight for the one I love, If that is of you and I won't look back and wonder I'll know because I know YOU. ************************************************ and the most amazing thing happened...from my sp...

Yeah so we all have hang-ups. Is it that we eat too much, or run too much, or maybe we run from ourselves, or obsess over anything and everything? Maybe it is pretty obvious a problem like drinking or snorting cocaine, and sometimes it is the most subtle things that unravel the person who seems the most put-together. Anything can be crippling to anyone and the combinations are endless and played out till the end of time! For me, it is you. You have a way of fulfilling me and then driving me crazy with your indecisive ways and your elusive smile that comes and goes, that smile that is crowded out by your roller coaster emotions and your burdened mind. The line "To move confidently in the direction of your dreams...." should be your mantra. Confidence is lacking! Direction is lacking! Moving, out of confusion....is lacking! and I don't want that to drag me down too....I am involved far too much and have entangled myself so tightly into this pattern that it is dividing ME fr...

It would have been really helpful if some of the fairy tales I heard as a kid ended in divorce. Because happily ever after....which to be truthful, sounds so simple and blissful, is just laughable now that I am all grown up and can appreciate those words for what they really mean! I am not a cynic.... I could never fully condescend what still dwells in my heart. ( Once a dreamer always a dreamer, thanks in part to all those unrealistic fairytale endings! ) So really, what if Snow White divorced the Prince two years later and maybe she remarried one of the dwarfs ? Too short? They domesticated her though and they love to dance, and they seem really attentive, appreciative, and adoring! Come on! Does height really matter? Ha ha.... What I am getting at, is that it would have been helpful to see some relationship problems, some bickering even....maybe she wanted to take a walk that day....and she asks the prince in a snotty tone why they always have to ride his horse? See!! Princesses do...