Sunday, June 7

endlessly waiting

It seems like I am waiting for you to reach out, but if it isn't there, it isn't there, is it?
It cannot work otherwise, and the fleeting times you do initiate burn bright red and linger in their rarity, a heightened moment of clarity that has me mouthing the words..."only if"
Only if, he did this constantly...OK then,consistently.
I want to be with someone who reaches for me. Who wants to want to reach for me.
but in the waiting I am learning to be fulfilled by God, and be resolute in his Love, so I am not endlessly looking for validation and affection, tossed by emotion, while I wait to experience it all again.
What's to say it won't all happen again if we try for it, like an endless tide pattern of low tide/ high tide....
I cannot function under the whims of the tide anymore, I am incapable now.
I feel like I am building up the nerve to strike out on my own, in my own way, on my own terms and I am preparing to say no, no that is not enough....and no I will not jump through hoops for you. and NO, I must resist the few bits that lead me down this path...they never sustain me, and they are fleeting, if only you could STAY.
Are you waiting until I get "toned"? All fit and trim and then what....will that make it all better? Won't there always be something lacking with that same old mind set? There will always be something else....
and if your mind set changed, it would radiate from you. It would be something that you could not hide or fool me with....
but you still talk of the world, embracing all the temptations and snares it lies before us, in possessions and the physical....succumbing to pride you are enamoured with and want what you see, and with what tempts you, and while I can appreciate what I see through artist eyes, I rather invest deeply in the matters of the heart and mind.
When you cultivate that or even attempt to, it is then that you can embrace yourself and your life for what it IS, and what it was meant to be.....with all it's flaws and short-comings even, because that is just part of the deal....it comes with being here.
We were not designed to constantly compare ourselves, our circumstances, our lot in life!
I remind myself of the word "insanity" and I check myself....am I doing AGAIN the same things and expecting different results?
Yeah, I am doing it again.....and I said I WOULD'T!!!
I tell myself it is just a matter of patience, of waiting, but I have yet to define how long or for what exactly. If I am not careful, life may slip by unnoticed.
So I dig deep into my gut and pull out what is hiding in there, and I analyze it in the light....the insecurities and the rejected scars that mar the fleshy pink. I want to be able to look at my stretch marks of life and recognize them for what they are....not flaws, but beautiful reminders of how far I've come, of what I've done and accomplished, and a reminder of what I participated in, and I gave, and I risked.....
and therefore altering my flesh, so that my spirit could thrive.
would you do it all again?
Then it was worth it, embrace it!

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