Monday, June 1

You are my crack, my booze

Yeah so we all have hang-ups. Is it that we eat too much, or run too much, or maybe we run from ourselves, or obsess over anything and everything? Maybe it is pretty obvious a problem like drinking or snorting cocaine, and sometimes it is the most subtle things that unravel the person who seems the most put-together. Anything can be crippling to anyone and the combinations are endless and played out till the end of time!



For me, it is you.



You have a way of fulfilling me and then driving me crazy with your indecisive ways and your elusive smile that comes and goes, that smile that is crowded out by your roller coaster emotions and your burdened mind.



The line "To move confidently in the direction of your dreams...." should be your mantra. Confidence is lacking! Direction is lacking! Moving, out of confusion....is lacking!



and I don't want that to drag me down too....I am involved far too much and have entangled myself so tightly into this pattern that it is dividing ME from ME!
I was riding your roller coaster for so long! Willingly running back to the front of the line again and again, just one more ride....one more familiar dance.


So I thought I stepped out and away.....
but I haven't, I am just fooling myself, I only THINK I have at times.


I am determined though....
Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of the bait and switch tactic, even if it is by default, born out of your own confusion.
I don't want to be confused and I don't willingly confuse things.
I am happy.
I know who I am.

and in that, there is such peace...
But because you haven't found your own peace, you send shock waves through mine. Your confusion is confusing!
Like a vine it wraps it's uncertainty around me....and I am certain of this!!



How do you redesign a life? Could I approach it like redesigning a room?
Is it just a matter of moving the furniture and adding some accessories? Do I paint it?
Do I move myself? Are the accessories new habits? Is the paint a new outlook or perspective?
I am going to have to donate a lot of stuff to Goodwill.....
I am not going to need it in this room anymore,
because I am determined
and I want a new happy healthy room....
and when you find peace for yourself, then maybe......



~C

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