waiting to understand

my mind is a garden where I have planted many things where you have also planted you have a section to the far back left and all the things you planted they are not all daisies and buttercups there are those thorny weeds the ones that cut me and no matter how I try to cut them back they seem determined to choke out the parts of the garden full of color and life each memory a petal on a flower of love you once showed me blooming for a time and then gone for a winter and then back again when I least expect it and that goes for the weeds too things remembered and the thorns with it and with those memories not the same first pain but pain born from its generations before of seasons long ago when you first planted it here God the great gardener not only knows how to tend but designed every species designed every weed has an understanding of the mix far greater and beyond me so I trust him to tell me what to weed out and there are times He has me just sitting just taking in the beauty of a n...

Let sleeping giants lie lest they be awakened and reminded, they should be terrorizing your town Your strength remains in keeping them tied down and by your strength I mean His ~C

Come get cozy just BE with me where holding me is your only distraction and your time is an offering where you kiss the top of my head and tell me you love me where you hold my little hand and ponder a time when I was littler your time holding me means more than all the things you could accomplish in that same amount of time without me and even though I do not even know all you do for me it is not about me appreciating any of those things it is what I process in my heart what I feel about my childhood and what I come to know, to learn and what better thing to know then the confines of your hugs your arms around me and the comfort of them? there will come a time where I will not even fit into your lap and I will not invite you quite like this a time where our closeness will be something completely different and so for now... hold me "get cozy" my Mommy ~C

don't tell me what I want to hear even if I beg you don't sugar coat it I rather have the truth too long living in a place where I created my own I no longer want to make a bed of lies at the cost of my youth be real with me I can handle it I rather deal with it now not later and deliver it knowing that I will receive it I promise I won't return to sender no matter the truth it is truth that I seek no amount of fluffing it up will minimize the impact it is what it is telling me is better and time does not heal all wounds time just draws it out and dulls the pain for a moment until you think of it again like skinning your knee again and again in the same exact spot and I don't want to fall anymore not in that way again I rather learn and apply my learning make something of my loss but your truth is the key to unlocking the pattern the mental trigger that will allow me to heal in even a small way that will allow peace a time in my life unfinished a time I have yet to unde...

I have designer luggage you notice it with envy and through my designer shades I notice you noticing it is what I counted on you really think I got it going on and I bought that thought or I mean I am paying it off.... like the luggage If I distract you with the outside of things maybe you will be satisfied enough to not want to look within I am more comfortable with that so don't try because packed inside I neatly folded my bitterness next to my unforgiveness and next to that, my resentment it is strategically placed next to my rejection as to not make wrinkles and with my toothbrush my contempt and tucked into a deep side pocket my broken heart to the x-ray scanner these things look like clothing but to me they are as weapons  and my only aim, is to conceal them but this still small voice says almost inaudibly to "check it" and as I heed it and do it I instantly know I will not need the claim ticket...

Alone most of our lives we spend emotionally alone feeling alone (whether we are alone or not) yearning for more for a connection that never seems to come we look out instead of in to find meaning anything that will fill this void this blank place that hates being empty and aches for fulfillment that cries out in the neediest voice until we realize until God rushes in and rewrites our patterns and renews our minds and suddenly the same scene is transformed into something else and you become your own best friend you learn what you love you feel connected to your purpose in a way you could have never imagined not before but thankfully, now even though you are still alone you are never now, a fullness in your heart that pushes out that consumes you your smile in the middle of nowhere for no one but you because you do not need a person to validate being you love being you you love being you love you and someone else could only add to all that ~C

I wonder if I am destined to be attracted and drawn to men who are emotionally or physically unavailable. These guys who want my attention and affections but are able to call the shots and distance themselves from me when ever they feel the need. My friends urge me to "let go" as if I have a choice in the matter, choice in the timing. It is God's perfect time that I will let go isn't it? My perfect time combined with His? I am not willingly shackling myself to the dungeon wall thank you very much. I do not drag around this emotional ball and chain with delight.... and REALLY, it is not a ball and chain. It is more like this subtle realization that the connection is still not lost. As if the line has not been dropped even though the other person has hung up. There is only silence on the other end now, but I find some tid bit of satisfaction in the fact that I AM still connected. Is it a control thing? That even though the other person chose to drop off, I do not have ...

from the backseat I hear a little voice ask "Mommy what is your name?" It is so neat that he wonders this out of the blue... "Christie" I say "Oh, Christie, I like that name" "Thanks Bud, I like your name too!" "Daddy and I got to pick your name!" So for the first time this little man who is so grown up already says my name calls me something other than Mommy and the significance of that hangs in the air my baby becomes a boy in that moment. ~C